70+ Work Jokes to Get You Through the Week
In need of some professional motivation? This hilarious collection of work jokes should banish even a serious case of the Mondays.
Marriage vows should be rewritten as “to have and to hold and to listen to stories about your workplace drama until death do us part.”
These relatable parenting tweets will make you laugh out loud.
Bring extra peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the interviewers. It looks selfish if you’re the only one eating.
Check out the best jokes from Canada’s top comedians.
Turning the Tables
During every pause at a job interview, ask your potential boss, “What are you thinking about right now?”
—Anne T. Donahue, writer
I’m about to arrive 10 minutes early to a meeting. Where can I pick up my medal?
Taking the Initiative
My boss told me to have a good day… so I went home.
—Derek Young, Toronto
Looking on the Bright Side
One of my students just called me a “cruel beastie,” which I’m taking as a sign of affection.
Coming of Age
There is no slower passage of time than the hours spent supervising a middle-school dance.
These funny phrases are definitely worth memorizing!
It’s a Scream, Baby
I can really relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
—Tig Notaro, comedian
Our nephew was getting married to a doctor’s daughter. At the wedding reception, her father stood to make his speech, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper earlier. He stopped several times, overcome with what we could only assume were moments of deep emotion. But, after a particularly long pause, he explained, “I’m sorry. I can’t seem to read what I wrote. Is there by chance a pharmacist in the house?”
Cause for Applause
TGIF? What about TGUCW? Thank God unions created the weekend.
—Sam Kaizer, Montreal
After harvesting a bumper crop of vegetables last year, I took some to the office and piled them on the table in the coffee area. Then I posted a sign advertising that they were free. The next day I noticed an addition to my note. Below “Free zucchini,” someone had written, “Save the whales.”
A friend and I had a small temporary-staffing service. Our agency did mandatory background checks on all candidates. One day after a round of interviews, my colleague was entering information from a young man’s application into the computer. She called me over to show me that he had noted a previous conviction of manslaughter. Below that, on the line listing his skills, he had written, “Good with people.”
My First Day on the Job as Bank Manager
Customer: I’d like a car loan.
Me: I’m not lending you my car.
Check out more hilarious tweets that are guaranteed to make you grin!
Four weeks into a job, you’ve seen everybody’s shirts.
—Anna Drezen, comedian
Don’t miss this roundup of our funniest lawyer jokes of all time.
My colleagues and I decided to remove the suggestion box from our offie because it received so few entries. We stuck the box on top of a two-metre-high metal storage cabinet and forgot about it. Months later, we found a single slip of paper inside. The suggestion read, “Lower the box!”
These hilarious golf jokes are better than a hole-in-one.
Always Cite Your Sources
A job application asked me to list three references. I wrote in Wikipedia, Google and the Oxford Dictionary.
I didn’t get the job.
—Susan Flynn, London, Ontario
Check out these coffee puns for a whole latte laughs.
Grounds for Dismissal
Buddha: All attachments will bring suffering.
Me: [Gets fired for never using attachments.]
Everyone can relate to these funny tweets about technology.
Reviews With Attitude
Dining out tonight? Choose your restaurant carefully. These are real reviews from Zagat:
* “‘Breaking bread’ should not mean you have to use the side of the table.”
* “I thought I was looking at an oil painting when suddenly it moved. It was my waitress.”
* “The only way the tables could be closer together would be to stack them.”
* “The duck was tired, tough and took 90 minutes to arrive. It must have had a long flight.”
* “Primary attraction was the small wildlife wandering across the table.”
* “The chef keeps renaming and relocating the restaurant like it’s a member of the Federal Witness Protection Program.”
* “The waiter repeatedly called my aging parents ‘coach’ and ‘darling.’”
* “Overpriced and undergood.”
These work-friendly jokes are clean, but funny!
Strengths and Weaknesses
Interviewer: Would you call yourself a hard worker?
Me: Absolutely. I make almost everything harder than it has to be.
Friend: Dress for the job you want.
[Later, at work.]
Boss: Why are you wearing cat ears? – @internethippo
It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my co-worker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognize you.” – Elaine Schyve
Heard over the plant’s paging system: “Will John Porter please return to where you were before you went where you are?” – Irene Onorato
Looking for more laughs? Check out these 17 Light Bulb Jokes That Make You Sound Smart!
One of these recent headlines is made up. Which one?
* “Judge Bars Warlock From Harassing Witch in Salem”
* “China May Be Using Sea To Hide Its Submarines”
* “UNC Boosters Outraged That Some Athletes Took Real Classes”
* “Senator Beagle Aims To Reform Ohio’s Dog Laws”
* “Man Asked To Clean Up After Dog Pulls Gun”
* “State Trooper Heard Dope On The Phone”
* “Lack Of Bologna Leads To Charges” – The Borowitz Report (See answer at bottom!)
Shame on Me
WHAT DO WE WANT?
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
See, this is the problem. – @timfederle
Is there a way I can filter out all the work emails except for the ones telling me there are doughnuts or cake in the office? – @johnlyontweets
The Customer Is Always Wrong
Real questions from customers to bemused store clerks:
* “Where are your vegan apples?”
* “What’s the weather like on the patio?”
* “Now, the baked potato, what is that?”
* “What would you do if I robbed you?” – Reddit
Interviewer: What’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I’m vague.
Interviewer: Can you elaborate?
Me: Yeah. – @patmorrison22
ANSWER TO TOP: The made-up headline is “UNC Boosters Outraged That Some Athletes Took Real Classes.”
What Not to Wear
[Holding up two ties]
Me: “Which one? I have a big meeting today.”
Wife: “Both are nice.”
Wife: “How did it go?”
Me: “Well, wearing two ties was a real disaster.” – @murrmann5
One For The Ages
I work as a historical interpreter in a museum that depicts life in a gold-rush town during the early 1900s. To enhance visitors’ experience, I often encourage them to play along and pretend they live in the era. Recently, I asked a customer if he was a new miner in town. “No,” he replied. “I’m 35.” – Kelleigh Marshall, Wells, British Columbia
I have 11 missed calls from my boss, and I can only assume it’s because he’s super excited to give me a raise. – @noticablybacon
A nervous patient arrived at our dental clinic for root canal surgery. We brought him into the examination room and left him for a few moments. When the dentist arrived, he found the patient standing next to a tray of equipment. “What are you doing?” the dentist asked. The patient replied, “Removing the ones I don’t like.” – GCFL
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
The line at our local post office was out the door. There was only one postal worker on duty, and the customers were getting testy. Hoping to hurry things along, a patron yelled out, “How can I help you go faster?” The postal worker yelled back, “You can go home!” – Scarlett Buzek
Now That’s Good Service
Stepping up to the counter at a fast-food restaurant, I asked for a baked potato with butter on the side. With the gusto of someone newly employed, the teenager taking my order asked, “Which side?” – Elizabeth Jones
We all had to sign a card for a co-worker who’s retiring, and I just wrote “Please take me with you” in it. – @glenna_opt
My co-worker is pregnant, and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write, so I just put, “HAVE A GOOD BABY, TANYA.” – @online_shawn
Need an excuse for being late to the office? Don’t try these—they didn’t work the first time:
“I forgot it wasn’t the weekend.”
“My dad offered to make me a grilled cheese sandwich, and I couldn’t say no.”
“I had to watch a soccer game that was being played in Europe.”
“My mother-in-law wouldn’t stop talking.” – careerbuilder.com
All About Insurance
Before I could enrol in my company’s medical insurance plan, I needed to fill out a questionnaire. As expected, the form was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance. One question asked, “Do you think you may need to go to the emergency room within the next three months?”
I spent 20 minutes explaining insurance options to one of our employees. After reviewing the different plans and monthly deductions, he decided to max out, choosing $100,000 worth of life insurance. But he had one last question.
“Now,” he said, “what do I have to do to collect?” -gophercentral.com
What’s Your Emergency?
Each year, Ontario’s Chatham-Kent police force releases its list of silliest 911 calls. Here are 2016’s highlights:
One woman called to say all her cable TV programs were in French but she didn’t speak French.
Police were called to settle a heated dispute between two neighbours who were arguing over who owned a jar of peanut butter.
A woman inquired whether it was legal to trap squirrels and let them go in a nearby farmer’s field. -CTV News
Readers remember sassy responses to teachers’ questions:
Q: Can you use “etiquette” in a sentence?
A: I don’t know the meaning of the word “etiquette.” -Preetha Rengaswamy
Q: What percentage of the European population died following the outbreak of the plague?
A: One hundred per cent, eventually. -Kim McCollum
I work for the transportation department at a university. One day, a student came in to buy a parking permit.“What’s your licence plate number?” I asked. She replied, “Front or back?” -Marqui Moss
The Stages of Working From Home:
1) Yay, I get to work from home.
2) It would be nice to talk to people.
3) I hope that pigeon sits in the window today. – @MarkAgee
I teach at a university. During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my adult students, who was pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class I asked if she was feeling okay.
“Oh, I’m fine,” she answered. “The baby was pushing his foot against my ribs, and it hurt a little.”
I was happy to hear her reply until she continued, “It’s strange. He normally sleeps during your class.” – gcfl.net
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yogurt called Debbie. – @FussySaffa
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually someone will microwave that fish in the work break room. – @TheCatWhisprer
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
*45 minutes later*
Me: I’m very comfortable with silence. – @Rollinintheseat
Industry Advice from Famous Actors:
Crying scenes are tough. Personally, onions make me cry, so when I have to cry, I think of a dead onion. – Tom Hanks
The most important part of acting is listening, so always act like you’re listening. – Stephen Colbert
I used to work in a doctor’s office. Last year, I was speaking to a patient about an upcoming medical procedure and advised him to fast for 12 hours leading up to the appointment. He looked at me quite shocked and said, “All at once?” -Ruth Lee, Branchton, Ont.
Probably an Understatement
One of my customers was unhappy with her breakfast.
“What’s wrong with it?” I asked.
“It’s the hash browns,” she said. “They’re too potato-y.” -J.H.
No one has ever been more impressed to learn that I’m a Navy SEAL than my grandson’s kindergarten class. On career day, I told them stories of my exploits in the military. After I finished, hands shot up all over the classroom. One little girl inquired, “Can you balance a ball on the end of your nose?” -gcfl.net
Can’t Believe I Said That
Next time you fumble during a job interview, take comfort in the fact that it couldn’t have gone this badly:
*I was so nervous that when the interviewer asked me what position I wanted to hold in five years, I said “race car driver.”
*The guy asked me to tell him a little about myself, and I literally forgot who I was.
*I was asked about punctuality. I went on about how it was good to speak clearly and politely, and it was nice to use proper grammar in speech and writing. –dailymail.co.uk
At Least He’s Consistent
I supervised an employee who had a negative view of everything I did.
If I took a vacation day, I was “never there.”
If I praised someone’s work, it was “too little, too late.”
He eventually took another job but was fired six months later. Shortly thereafter, he contacted me, hoping to return to his old job.
“Have you learned from this experience?” I asked.
“Yes, I should have stayed here,” he admitted. “You’re too indecisive to have ever fired me.” –Terry O’Connor
It’s difficult to say what my wife does: she sells seashells by the seashore. –Comedian Milton Jones
Next, use these funny jokes to defuse awkward situations at work.
Your Best Self
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job-application form. – Businessperson Stanley Randall
Rules and Regulations
Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company I work for. As a manager, I’m constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise. One day I asked a few of the guys, “Does anyone know what the speed limit is in our parking lot?” A long silence followed, then one of them piped up, “That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving?” – gcfl.net
An insurance agent called our medical office. A doctor had filled out a leave-of-absence form for a patient, but, the agent said, it had been altered. The giveaway? The return-to-work date had been changed to February 30. – J.L.
A new law in France gives employees the right to disconnect from work email when they’re out of the office. Current affairs magazine The Week asked its readers what such legislation might be called:
- The Civil Nights Act
- The E-mancipation Proclamation
- The Freedom From Information Act
- Social Notworking
- The French Disconnection
When Working From Home
Note to self: before baby-talking to the cat, make sure conference call has disconnected. —@Bradknewman
Step by Step
My co-worker Ruth had reached a milestone birthday, so we planned a little celebration. I was tasked with ordering the cake. I wrote a short verse and asked the bakery to decorate the cake with the four lines of text, then to add “Happy birthday Ruth” at the end. They followed the directions verbatim. My poem was written on the cake in pretty blue icing, followed by “Happy birthday Ruth at the end.”
—Sharon McGregor, Campbell River, B.C.
How to Translate Your Work Emails
I have a question = I have 18 questions.
I’ll look into it = I’ve already forgotten about it.
I tried my best = I did the bare minimum.
Happy to discuss further = Don’t ask me about this again. – thecooperreview.com
What Was Your Name Again?
My daughter was typing up a test for a religion class she teaches. The answer to one question was “Joseph of Arimathea.” The computer obviously disagreed and, thanks to spell-check, changed it to “Joseph of Aromatherapy.” – Ruth Ann Campbell
What They Say Is True
My wife, a phlebotomist, entered a patient’s room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on his nightstand, she remarked, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away, right?”
“That’s true,” he griped. “I haven’t seen a doctor in three days.” – Larry Jensen
We asked prospective job applicants at our company to fill out a questionnaire. For the line “Choose one word to summarize your strongest professional attribute,” one woman wrote, “I’m good at following instructions.” – theclever.com
This or That
How many opticians does it take to change a light bulb?
Is it one or two? One…or two? – reddit.com
Riddle Me This
Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has 1,000 letters?
A: Post office. – laughfactory.com
We asked 40 comedians to reveal their favourite jokes ever!
People often ask me how I got my job as a film editor. Well, to cut a long story short.
—Martin Williams, journalist
You won’t believe these funny classified ads actually ran!
Some co-workers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names. But I typically use, “You’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Check out these short jokes anyone can remember!
Most days in the clinic where I used to work, the phones rang a lot. One very hectic day, when the phones had been particularly busy, I got a bit confused when answering a line that had been waiting: “Thanks for helping, how can I hold you?”
—Diane Stift, St. Albert, Alberta
Don’t miss the funniest Reader’s Digest jokes of all time.
Working at an unemployment office has to be a tense job, knowing if you get fired, you still have to come into work the next day.
—Adam Rowe, comedian
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Looking for more laughs? These funny work cartoons will help you make it through the week!