Funny Jokes to Tell on National Tell a Joke Day (And Every Other Day of the Year)

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer, bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

Why are green beans the most Zen of all vegetables? Because they’ve found their inner peas.

Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.

What do you call a fish without eyes? Fsh.

What do you call an alligator detective? An investi-gator.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. Tickle your funny bone with the best Reader’s Digest jokes of all time.

There are two muffins baking in the oven. One muffin says to the other, “Phew, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?” The other muffin says, “AAAAHHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!”

What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.

Can’t get enough of the beautiful game? Check out these hilarious soccer phrases from around the world.

Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless. Don’t think that’s the funniest joke ever? These are the funniest one-liners on the Internet.

What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.

After a crime, a detective noted that he thought it was foul play. The other detective said, “You mean, he was playing with birds?”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

What did the policeman say to his bellybutton? You’re under a vest.

Why do people say “break a leg” when you go on stage? Because every play has a cast.

What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

What kind of ghost has the best hearing? The eeriest. Here are more corny Halloween jokes.

Why are there gates around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over a bay, they would be bagels.

Do you celebrate “Pi Day” on March 14? Chances are, you’ll love these corny math jokes.

When do computers overheat? When they need to vent.

Where can you buy chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.

How do rabbits travel? By hareplanes.

How do you tell if a vampire is sick? By how much he is coffin.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!

What do you call fake spaghetti? An im-pasta.

What did the yoga instructor say when her landlord tried to evict her? Namaste.

Toasting a bride and groom in the near future? These jokes about marriage are perfect for a wedding.

How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.

Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi.

Why did the farmer win an award? He was outstanding in his field.

What do you call birds that stick together? Vel-crows.

Don’t miss these side-splitting jokes about lawyers.

What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships.

Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing…It just waved.

What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup.

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.

Looking for more laughs? These funny yearbook quotes are guaranteed to crack you up.

What do you call a factory that sells good products? A satisfactory.

How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.

Don’t miss our rollicking roundup of the funniest quotes of all time.

What do cows most like to read? Cattle-logs.

Don’t miss these hilarious dog cartoons.

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? If it had four doors it would be called a chicken sedan.

Need to defuse an awkward situation? These funny phrases could definitely come in handy.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A dino-snore.

What do you call a pile of cats? A meow-tain.

These funny animal pictures are sure to crack you up!

What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.

Have you heard about the corduroy pillow? No? Really? It’s making headlines!

These hilarious dog puns will give you paws.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.

How does a duck buy lipstick? She just puts it on her bill.

Why are frogs are so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.

What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

Keep these funny holiday jokes in mind for your next Christmas party!

What do you do with a sick boat? Take is to the doc already.

These hilarious tweets are guaranteed to make you grin!

Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.

What runs but never goes anywhere? A refrigerator.

What do horses say when they fall? Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up.

Don’t miss these perfectly-timed photos of funny farm animals.

An apple a day really can keep the doctor away … but only if you aim it well.

These clever jokes could make anyone sound smart!

Why can’t you trust duck doctors? They’re all quacks.

Impress a history buff with these hilarious history jokes.

Why did the robber jump in the shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway.

What did the elevator say when it sneezed? I think I’m coming down with something.

Everyone can relate to these funny tweets about technology.

What do you call shoes made of banana peels? Slippers.

Why did the bicycle collapse? It was two tired.

Does your workplace tend to be a little tense? Here are some funny jokes to defuse an awkward situation.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

Why did the restaurant hire a pig? He was good at bacon.

These funny Google searches will make you wonder who’s asking these questions, anyway!

Did you hear about the man who got hit by the same bike every morning? It was a vicious cycle.

Relive the history of the world in dumb jokes.

Why did the poor man stock up on yeast? To make some dough.

Don’t miss these hilarious real life prank stories!

What does corn say when you give it a compliment? Aw shucks!

These work-friendly jokes are safe for sharing at the office.

Why were the fish’s grades so bad? It was below sea level.

Don’t miss these physics jokes that every science nerd will love.

Why wouldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino? He was on a roll.

Don’t miss these funny examples of irony in real life.

What kind of shoes do burglars wear? Sneakers.

Check out the funniest Disney jokes of all time.

Why don’t melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.

For more groan-worthy humour, find out what would happen if the person who named walkie-talkies named everything.

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.

These funny tweets about food are sure to make you smile.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

Having trouble crafting the perfect message for a birthday card? Try these funny birthday jokes!

Never buy anything with Velcro. It’s a total rip-off.

Don’t miss these clever grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate.

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. Learn the secrets to telling a great joke.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was fine—he woke up.

Don’t miss these funny tweets every parent can relate to.

What do lawyers wear to work? Lawsuits.

These hilarious golf jokes are better than a hole in one.

When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.

Want to turn someone’s frown upside down? Try giving them one of these funny compliments!

A termite walks into the bar and asks, ”Is the bar tender here?” 

Get ready for more witty bar jokes anyone can remember.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.  He told me to stop going to those places.  

Here are more funny doctor jokes.

What’s the best way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. 

Don’t miss these bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at.

Why are the Irish so wealthy? Because their capital is always Dublin.

If you liked that joke, you’ll get a kick out of these hilarious thesaurus mistakes.

What has more lives than a cat? A frog, because it croaks every night. 

Check out our all-time funniest work jokes.

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law. 

Check out these up-and-coming Canadian comedians—and their best jokes!

It’s not hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.

These hilarious DIY jokes will bring down the house!

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my right hand. 

You won’t believe these funny classified ads actually ran!

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 

These funny work cartoons were made for sharing at the office.

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder. Looking for more funny jokes to tell? Check out these short jokes anyone can remember!