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Funny Jokes to Tell on National Tell a Joke Day (And Every Other Day of the Year)

No kidding: You’re going to love this cheesy collection of puns and one-liners—they’re ideal for celebrating National Tell a Joke Day on August 16.

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ham sandwichPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer, bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

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Why are green beans the most Zen of all vegetables? Because they’ve found their inner peas.

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clydesdalePhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.

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fish without eyesPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

What do you call a fish without eyes? Fsh.

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alligator detectivePhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

What do you call an alligator detective? An investi-gator.

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scarecrow awardPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. Tickle your funny bone with the best Reader’s Digest jokes of all time.

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talking muffinPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

There are two muffins baking in the oven. One muffin says to the other, “Phew, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?” The other muffin says, “AAAAHHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!”

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soccer matchPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.

Can’t get enough of the beautiful game? Check out these hilarious soccer phrases from around the world.

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broken pencilPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless. Don’t think that’s the funniest joke ever? These are the funniest one-liners on the Internet.

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bird flu swine fluPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.

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foul playPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

After a crime, a detective noted that he thought it was foul play. The other detective said, “You mean, he was playing with birds?”

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brown and stickyPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

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policemanPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

What did the policeman say to his bellybutton? You’re under a vest.

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break a legPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

Why do people say “break a leg” when you go on stage? Because every play has a cast.

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karate pigPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

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ghost hearingPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

What kind of ghost has the best hearing? The eeriest. Here are more corny Halloween jokes.

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cemetery gatesPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

Why are there gates around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.

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seagullsPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over a bay, they would be bagels.

Do you celebrate “Pi Day” on March 14? Chances are, you’ll love these corny math jokes.

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computers overheatPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

When do computers overheat? When they need to vent.

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music planetsPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

Where can you buy chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

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sticky hairPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.

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rabbits travelPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

How do rabbits travel? By hareplanes.

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vampire sickPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

How do you tell if a vampire is sick? By how much he is coffin.

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cow two legsPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!

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fake spaghettiPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

What do you call fake spaghetti? An im-pasta.

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yoga landlordPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

What did the yoga instructor say when her landlord tried to evict her? Namaste.

Toasting a bride and groom in the near future? These jokes about marriage are perfect for a wedding.

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charging bullPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.

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mushroom partyPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi.

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farmer awardPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

Why did the farmer win an award? He was outstanding in his field.

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birds stick togetherPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

What do you call birds that stick together? Vel-crows.

Don’t miss these side-splitting jokes about lawyers.

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sea monsters eatPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships.

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nose 12 inchesPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

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ocean shorePhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing…It just waved.

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tomato racePhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup.

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golfer pantsPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.

Looking for more laughs? These funny yearbook quotes are guaranteed to crack you up.

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factory good productsPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

What do you call a factory that sells good products? A satisfactory.

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barber racePhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.

Don’t miss our rollicking roundup of the funniest quotes of all time.

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cows like to readPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

What do cows most like to read? Cattle-logs.

Don’t miss these hilarious dog cartoons.

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chicken coopPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? If it had four doors it would be called a chicken sedan.

Need to defuse an awkward situation? These funny phrases could definitely come in handy.

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sleeping dinosaurPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A dino-snore.

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pile of catsPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

What do you call a pile of cats? A meow-tain.

These funny animal pictures are sure to crack you up!

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four wheelsPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.

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poker junglePhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

Have you heard about the corduroy pillow? No? Really? It’s making headlines!

These hilarious dog puns will give you paws.

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drop a pianoPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.

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duck lipstickPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

How does a duck buy lipstick? She just puts it on her bill.

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frogs happyPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

Why are frogs are so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.

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one hatPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

Keep these funny holiday jokes in mind for your next Christmas party!

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sick boatPhoto: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com/Shutterstock

What do you do with a sick boat? Take is to the doc already.

These hilarious tweets are guaranteed to make you grin!

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Funny jokes to tell - why did the picture go to jail?NICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.

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Funny jokes to tell - what runs but never goes anywhere?NICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

What runs but never goes anywhere? A refrigerator.

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Funny jokes to tell - what do horses say when they fall?NICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

What do horses say when they fall? Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up.

Don’t miss these perfectly-timed photos of funny farm animals.

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Funny jokes to tell - an apple a day keeps the doctor awayNICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

An apple a day really can keep the doctor away … but only if you aim it well.

These clever jokes could make anyone sound smart!

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Funny jokes to tell - duck doctorsNICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

Why can’t you trust duck doctors? They’re all quacks.

Impress a history buff with these hilarious history jokes.

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Funny jokes to tell - why did the robber jump in the showerNICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

Why did the robber jump in the shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway.

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Funny jokes to tell - what did the elevator say when it sneezed?NICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

What did the elevator say when it sneezed? I think I’m coming down with something.

Everyone can relate to these funny tweets about technology.

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Funny jokes to tell - what do you call shoes made of banana peels?NICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

What do you call shoes made of banana peels? Slippers.

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Funny jokes to tell - why did the bicycle collapseNICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

Why did the bicycle collapse? It was two tired.

Does your workplace tend to be a little tense? Here are some funny jokes to defuse an awkward situation.

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Funny jokes to tell - what do you call a bear with no teeth?NICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

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Funny jokes to tell - why did the restaurant hire a pig?NICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

Why did the restaurant hire a pig? He was good at bacon.

These funny Google searches will make you wonder who’s asking these questions, anyway!

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Funny jokes to tell - vicious cycleNICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

Did you hear about the man who got hit by the same bike every morning? It was a vicious cycle.

Relive the history of the world in dumb jokes.

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Funny jokes to tell - why did the poor man stock up on yeast?NICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

Why did the poor man stock up on yeast? To make some dough.

Don’t miss these hilarious real life prank stories!

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Funny jokes to tell - what does corn say when you give it a compliment?NICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

What does corn say when you give it a compliment? Aw shucks!

These work-friendly jokes are safe for sharing at the office.

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Funny jokes to tell - why were the fish's grades so bad?NICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

Why were the fish’s grades so bad? It was below sea level.

Don’t miss these physics jokes that every science nerd will love.

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Funny jokes to tell - why wouldn't the sesame seed leave the casino?NICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

Why wouldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino? He was on a roll.

Don’t miss these funny examples of irony in real life.

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Funny jokes to tell - what kind of shoes do burglars wear?NICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

What kind of shoes do burglars wear? Sneakers.

Check out the funniest Disney jokes of all time.

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Funny jokes to tell - why don't melons get married?NICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

Why don’t melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.

For more groan-worthy humour, find out what would happen if the person who named walkie-talkies named everything.

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Funny jokes to tell - why don't eggs tell jokes?NICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.

These funny tweets about food are sure to make you smile.

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Corny jokes - restaurant on the moonNICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

Having trouble crafting the perfect message for a birthday card? Try these funny birthday jokes!

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Corny jokes - never buy anything with velcroNICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

Never buy anything with Velcro. It’s a total rip-off.

Don’t miss these clever grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate.

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Corny jokes - invisible manNICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. Learn the secrets to telling a great joke.

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Corny jokes - did you hear about the kidnapping at schoo?NICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was fine—he woke up.

Don’t miss these funny tweets every parent can relate to.

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Corny jokes - what do lawyers wear to work?NICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

What do lawyers wear to work? Lawsuits.

These hilarious golf jokes are better than a hole in one.

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Corny jokes - when is a door not a doorNICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM


When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.

Want to turn someone’s frown upside down? Try giving them one of these funny compliments!

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Corny jokes - a termite walks into a barNICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

A termite walks into the bar and asks, ”Is the bar tender here?” 

Get ready for more witty bar jokes anyone can remember.

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Corny jokes - broken armNICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.  He told me to stop going to those places.  

Here are more funny doctor jokes.

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Corny jokes - burn 1000 caloriesNICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

What’s the best way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. 

Don’t miss these bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at.

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Corny jokes - why are the Irish so wealthy?NICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

Why are the Irish so wealthy? Because their capital is always Dublin.

If you liked that joke, you’ll get a kick out of these hilarious thesaurus mistakes.

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Corny jokes - what has more lives than a cat?NICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

What has more lives than a cat? A frog, because it croaks every night. 

Check out our all-time funniest work jokes.

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Corny jokes - what do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?NICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law. 

Check out these up-and-coming Canadian comedians—and their best jokes!

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Corny jokes - it's not hard to meet expensesNICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

It’s not hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.

These hilarious DIY jokes will bring down the house!

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Corny jokes - all those who believe in psychokinesisNICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my right hand. 

You won’t believe these funny classified ads actually ran!

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Corny jokes - if a parsley farmer is suedNICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 

These funny work cartoons were made for sharing at the office.

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Corny jokes - this is my step ladderNICOLE FORNABAIO/RD.COM

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder. Looking for more funny jokes to tell? Check out these short jokes anyone can remember!

Originally Published on Reader's Digest