20+ Harry Potter Jokes Every Muggle Should Know

You don't have to be a die-hard Potterhead to find these Harry Potter jokes hilarious—but it might help!

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Chapter One: Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Groan

Q: Why is Mad-Eye Moody such a bad teacher?
A: Because he can’t control his pupils.

Q: How many Slytherins does it take to stir a cauldron?
A: Just one. He puts his wand in the cauldron and the world revolves around him.

Q: Why does Voldemort prefer Twitter to Facebook?
A: Because he only has followers, not friends.

Q: What’s the difference between a comma and Crookshanks?
A: A comma is a pause at the end of a clause, and Crookshanks has claws at the end of his paws.

Q: Where can you find Dumbledore’s Army?
A: Up his sleevy.

Q: Why did Professor Snape stand in the middle of the road?
A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

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Chapter Two: Harry Potter and the Pub-Joke Prince

A wizard walks into a pub and orders a Forgetfulness Potion. He turns to the witch next to him and says, “So, do I come here often?”

The barman says, “We don’t serve time-travellers here.”
Hermione walks into a pub with a time-turner.

Professor Quirrell walks into a bar, unwraps his turban, and present’s the Dark Lord’s face to the barman. The Dark Lord orders a beer.
“Sorry, can’t serve you,” the barman says. “You’re already out of your head.”

A muggle walks into the Hog’s Head inn with a frog on his shoulder. The barkeep says, “That’s pretty cool—where’d you get it?”
“London,” the frog croaks, “They’ve got millions of ’em!”

Two Hungarian Horntails walk into a pub. The first one says, “Sure is hot in here.”
The second one snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”

Madam Hooch walks into a pub. The barkeep says, “Hey, we have booze named after you!”
Hooch beams, “You have a drink named Rolanda?”

After you’ve got these Harry Potter jokes memorized, check out 75 short jokes to make anyone laugh!

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Chapter Three: Harry Potter Jokes That Were Too Groan-Worthy to List at the Top of This Page

Q: Why does Voldemort love Nagini so much?
A: Because she gives him hugs and hisses.

Q: Why does Neville always use two bathroom stalls?
A: Because he has a Longbottom.

Q: Why did Lucius Malfoy cross the road twice?
A: Because he’s a double-crosser

Q: What do you call two Quidditch players who share a dorm?
A: Broom-mates

Q: How do you get a mythical creature into your house?
A: Through the Gryffindor

Q: How do the Malfoys enter a building?
A: They Slytherin

Q: What do you call a wizard with his hand in a thestral’s mouth?
A: A mechanic

Q: Which side of a centaur has more hair?
A: The outside

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
You know.
You know who?

Enjoying these Harry Potter jokes? Check out 25 more knock-knock jokes that are genuinely funny!

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Epilogue: Harry Potter and An Important Reminder…

Wizards who drink Polyjuice Potion are people two.

Next, find out the best Harry Potter movie, according to Rotten Tomatoes.

Reader's Digest
Originally Published in Reader's Digest

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