14 History Jokes Only History Buffs Will Understand

Roman rules

A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please!”

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An executive order

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting. —Ronald Reagan

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Dark humour

Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages?

Because there were so many knights.

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Spring fling

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims.

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Marx’s drink of choice

Why did Karl Marx dislike Early Grey tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

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French fighters

A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare. The librarian replies, “You’ll only lose it.”

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A royal response

What did Richard III say when a planning proposal was submitted for building parking lot?

“Over my dead body.”

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A presidential quip

In my many years, I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress. —President John Adams

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Washington’s habits

Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping?

Because he couldn’t lie.

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A General Lee good student

What yearbook superlative was Robert E. Lee given at graduation?

Most likely to secede.

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Some things never change

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for 40 years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. —Elayne Boosler, comedian

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Royal regrets

How did Louis XIV feel after completing the Palace of Versailles?

Baroque.

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Corsican roots

Teacher: Can you describe for me Napoleon’s origin?

Student: ‘Course I can!

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Numbers game

Who invented fractions?

Henry the 1/8th.

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Originally published as 14 History Jokes Only History Buffs Will Understand on ReadersDigest.com.