20 Funny Phrases That Are Definitely Worth Memorizing
Sometimes the best way to get out of an awkward situation is laughing your way out. Memorize these funny phrases and use them as necessary.
When your friend complains about Weight Watchers
I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and then I eat it.
When Aunt Muriel asks when you’re going to have kids
I’m jealous of my parents. I’ll never have a kid as cool as theirs, one who is smart, has devilishly good looks, and knows all sorts of funny phrases.
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When Beyoncé concert tickets go on sale
My wallet is like an onion. Every time I open it, it makes me cry.
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When your friends give you the single raised eyebrow
Don’t worry, if Plan A doesn’t work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
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When you’re told to get your butt off the couch
I’m not lazy. I’m just very relaxed.
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When you see motivational posters in your office
Don’t you tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
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When you’re stuck in a tough situation
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
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When your friend acts overly ambitious
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
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When he just can’t get over the breakup
If you can’t live without me, then why aren’t you dead yet?
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When your family is concerned about your weight
I get enough exercise from pushing my luck.
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When people ask why you’re still single
My bed and I are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.
When you finally decide to stop procrastinating
I made a huge to-do list today. I just need to figure out who’s going to do it.
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When others second-guess your life choices
When people tell me, “You’re going to regret that in the morning,” I sleep until noon because I’m a problem solver.
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When your family jokes about you being over the hill
Birthdays are good for you. Studies show that people who have the most of them live the longest.
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When your spouse addresses your late-night snacking
If you’re not supposed to eat at night, then why is there a light bulb in the fridge?
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When it’s time to get a haircut
I don’t need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
When you’re contemplating the advancements of humanity since the dawn of time
I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my own food. I have no idea where sandwiches live.
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When someone asks how you like your job
The best part of going to work is coming home at the end of the day.
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When someone calls you crazy
I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
When you’re asked about your religious beliefs
God created the world. Everything else is made in China. Can’t get enough funny phrases?
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