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20 Funny Phrases That Are Definitely Worth Memorizing

Sometimes the best way to get out of an awkward situation is laughing your way out. Memorize these funny phrases and use them as necessary.

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Funny phrasesPhoto: Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When your friend complains about Weight Watchers

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and then I eat it.

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funny phrases - Young successful businessman smiling, laughing over white background.Photo: Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When Aunt Muriel asks when you’re going to have kids

I’m jealous of my parents. I’ll never have a kid as cool as theirs, one who is smart, has devilishly good looks, and knows all sorts of funny phrases.

Canadian comedians reveal the best jokes they’ve ever told.

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funny phrases - Smiling emotional student girl laughing at joke, posing aganist gray background. Dark-haired brunette young female expressing positive emotions, happily looks at camera.Photo: Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When Beyoncé concert tickets go on sale

My wallet is like an onion. Every time I open it, it makes me cry.

Sort through the history of the world in 27 dumb jokes.

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funny phrases - Close up portrait of cheerful little kid with curly ginger hair and freckles laughing with closed eyes after hearing funny joke from friend.Photo: Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When your friends give you the single raised eyebrow

Don’t worry, if Plan A doesn’t work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

These hilarious work cartoons will help you get through the week!

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funny phrases - Beautiful dark-skinned female with long brunette hair and broad happy smile wearing denim shirt enjoying good positive news concerning her promotion at work, posing isolated against white blank wallPhoto: Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When you’re told to get your butt off the couch

I’m not lazy. I’m just very relaxed.

Check out these 12 everyday phrases with surprisingly dark origins.

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funny phrases - Happy cheerful young girl with bun smiling laughing over white background. Crossed arms.Photo: Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When you see motivational posters in your office

Don’t you tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

For more funny phrases, check out these 19 cheesy pick-up lines guaranteed to get a laugh.

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Positive emotions concept. Beautiful happy Caucasian blonde woman dressed casually smiling broadly, showing her perfect white teeth, relaxing, closing eyes because of joy, spending weekend indoorsPhoto: Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When you’re stuck in a tough situation

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

These powerful Yoda quotes will awaken your inner force.

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Funny friend tells hilarious jokes. Indoor shot of pleased happy african-american in stylish outfit smiling broadly and gesturing over chest during conversation, having nice talk with coworkerPhoto: Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When your friend acts overly ambitious

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Don’t miss the fascinating origins of seven classic jokes.

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Portrait of happy young beautiful ginger girl laughing. Off camera. Copy space. Isolated on white.Photo: Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When he just can’t get over the breakup

If you can’t live without me, then why aren’t you dead yet?

Look no further than these inspirational quotes to live by for wise lessons.

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Waist-up portrait of Caucasian good-looking hairless male model with beard dressed in casual clothes posing indoors, laughing at someone`s joke during conversation. Man expressing positive emotionsPhoto: Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When your family is concerned about your weight

I get enough exercise from pushing my luck.

Test your knowledge of these Canadian slang terms!

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Good-looking attractive female with long dark hair and closed eyes dressed in red sweater and jeans laughing at someone`s joke during conversation. Young woman expressing positive emotionsPhoto: Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When people ask why you’re still single

My bed and I are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.

These 170 jokes about marriage are hilariously accurate.

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What nice time to live. Portrait of carefree attractive male student in white t-shirt, hearing funny joke, laughing out loud, feeling pain in belly muscles from chuckle, standing over gray wallPhoto: Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When you finally decide to stop procrastinating

I made a huge to-do list today. I just need to figure out who’s going to do it.

Prepare to LOL with the best Canadian jokes ever.

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Portrait of young emotional beautiful girl laughing with closed eyes over white background.Photo: Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When others second-guess your life choices

When people tell me, “You’re going to regret that in the morning,” I sleep until noon because I’m a problem solver.

Check out the 100 funniest Reader’s Digest jokes of all time.

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Studio shot of handsome european adult with beard and moustache, laughing out loud, stooped back, holding hands in pockets of jeans, over gray background. Guy watches stand up show on TVPhoto: Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When your family jokes about you being over the hill

Birthdays are good for you. Studies show that people who have the most of them live the longest.

Word nerds will appreciate these clever grammar jokes!

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Portrait of sincere young happy cheerful girl smiling laughing over white background.Photo: Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When your spouse addresses your late-night snacking

If you’re not supposed to eat at night, then why is there a light bulb in the fridge?

These 50 funny tweets about food are sure to make you smile!

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Hearing out great stories from friend. Portrait of emotive charming modern woman tilting head, holding hand on face, laughing while talking with boyfriend, having date in park, wearing leather jacketPhoto: Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When it’s time to get a haircut

I don’t need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

Check out 25 more clever jokes that make you sound smart.

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Funny smiling unshaven male wears casual blue clothes, being glad, expresses positive emotions, laughs at joke with closed eyes. People, happiness, positiveness conceptPhoto: Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When you’re contemplating the advancements of humanity since the dawn of time

I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my own food. I have no idea where sandwiches live.

Remember these funny Monday jokes to get you through the week.

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Inviting us come and dinner together. Portrait of positive friendly-looking attractive girlfriend in white t-shirt, smiling broadly and expressing good attitude while talking casually with coworkersPhoto: Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When someone asks how you like your job

The best part of going to work is coming home at the end of the day.

Here are 15 witty bar jokes anyone can remember.

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Close up isolated portrait of cheerful happy young man with afro hairstyle in casual white t-shirt smiling brightly, looking in camera with excited and joyful expression.Photo: Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When someone calls you crazy

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

These 17 light bulb jokes will actually make you sound smart.

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Cheerful happy young beautiful girl looking at camera smiling laughing over white background.Photo: Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

When you’re asked about your religious beliefs

God created the world. Everything else is made in China. Can’t get enough funny phrases?

Next, keep the laughs going with these 47 of the funniest one-liners on the Internet.

Reader's Digest
Originally Published on Reader's Digest