The History of the World in 27 Dumb Jokes
Were you bored silly in history class? Then you’ll love laughing at Socrates, Caesar, Queen Elizabeth II and more.
Jurassic Period: Dinosaurs
Q: Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
A: Because the pee is silent.
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1323 BC: King Tutankhamen Dies
Q: Why was King Tut so irresistible?
A: It was his pharaohmones.
Circa 469 BC: The Birth of Western Philosophy
Q: Who was Socrates’s worst student?
Q: Who was his busiest student?
A: The one with a lot on his Plato.
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221 BC: China Begins Construction On an Enormous Fortification
Q: Why did Mark Zuckerberg visit Beijing?
A: To see the Great Firewall.
27 BC to AD 476: The Roman Empire
Q: What did Caesar say when his friend asked how many oranges he’d had?
A: “Et two, Brute.”
6th Century: First Great Mayan City Reaches Its Peak
“A Mayan who?”
“A Mayan the way?”
Circa 1275: Europe Meets Asia
Q: Which explorer was the best at hide-and-seek?
A: Marco Polo.
1509: A New Tudor King Is Crowned
Q: Who invented fractions?
A: Henry the 1/8th.
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1620: The Mayflower Arrives at Plymouth Harbour
Q: What did one turkey say to the other when they saw the Pilgrims?
A: They look nice. Maybe they’ll have us over for dinner.
1775: The American Revolution
Q: Who yelled, “Coming are British the”?
A: Paul Reverse.
1789: George Washington Elected President
Q: Why do cherry trees smell?
A: Because George Washington cut one.
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1789: The French Revolution
Q: What happens when a guillotine operator is fired?
A: He gets no severance pay.
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1848: The Communist Manifesto Is Published
Q: Why did the Communist fail at school?
A: He got bad Marx.
1861: The War Between the States
Q: Civil War jokes?
A: I General Lee don’t find them funny.
1886: Lady Liberty Is Dedicated
Q: What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
A: It can’t sit down.
1903: First Airplane Flight
Q: Why did Wilbur and Orville invent the airplane?
A: Because if someone else had been first, it wouldn’t have been Wright.
1912: The Titanic Sinks
Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?
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“It’s true, alcohol kills people. But how many are born because of it?”
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1929: The Stock Market Collapses
Q: How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to sell it before it crashes.
1969: Americans Land on the Moon
The Soviets responded by announcing they would be sending a man to the sun. American engineers objected. “If you send a man to the sun, he will burn up!” The Soviets replied, “What do you think we are, stupid? We’ll send him at night!”
Q: Did you hear about the new Watergate watch?
A: Both hands always point to Nixon.
2015: Queen Elizabeth II Becomes Britain’s Longest-Serving Monarch
Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because the Queen has reigned there for years!
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