80+ Funny Tweets Every Parent Can Relate To
Parenting is both challenging and rewarding—and sometimes very, very funny. These totally relatable parenting tweets will make you laugh out loud.
Girls and Boys
The little girl I’m babysitting just asked me if I have a boyfriend. I said, “Not anymore,” and she said, “Boyfriends are a waste of time.” Then she turned to her brother and told him, “You’re gonna be a waste of time.” —@itsmadimay
Sorry, I can’t come down for real dinner yet. I have to finish the fake meal my toddler is slowly cooking for me. —@WalkingOutside
Old-Time Home Remedies
My five-year-old wrapped a sausage around my finger and called it a Band-Aid. Needless to say, he’s become my personal physician. —@dad_on_my_feet
Eight-year-old: Mom, I want to study pastrami.
Me: Why, honey?
Eight-year-old: I’m just super interested in the stars. —@pro_worrier_
My Quotable Kid
My four-year-old has been carrying a small notebook around all day. She opens it, writes small scribbles and quickly closes it back up. She’s calling it her “secret diarrhea.” Maybe someday I’ll correct her, but definitely not today. —@momtransparent1
Have kids so that someone can ask you to cut up their bagel and then ask you to put it back together. —@OhioMomoftwo
Mind = Blown
My daughter woke me up at 5 a.m. to urgently tell me that “Any balloon SpongeBob blows up is technically a water balloon,” and I have not been able to fall back asleep. —@isabelzawtun
Me: Mommy just needs a little space right now.
Child [perched on top of my head]: Why? —@LurkAtHomeMom
My daughter just asked me if I was 22. I said, “No, I’m 37.” Then she asked if I’m actually her grandma. —@UnfilteredMama
He Said, She Said
“... and then Mommy turned into a big mountain where the princess and the dragon had a party!” –My four-year-old explaining how I fell asleep in the middle of our game. —@bunandleggings
The "Why" Phase
Please respect our privacy at this difficult time while we deal with our toddler, who has just entered the “Why?” phase. —@whinecheezit
The Horror, the Horror
Sometimes I like to live dangerously by putting ketchup on my kid’s dinner plate without asking where they would like it. —@threetimedaddy
A Day in the Life
Yesterday, my four-year-old and I painted pictures, went to the park, played house, cooked dinner together and watched a movie. Or, as she described it to her teacher: “I picked up a dead bug and mommy yelled at me.” —@stayathomies
Hosts With the Most
How my family preps for guests:
Me: *Tidies up.*
Husband: *Fires up the barbecue.*
Toddler: *Removes all clothing.* —@jannakilimnik
Goldilocks Strikes Back
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *Makes new sandwich.*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *Makes one just right.*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore. —@mommajessiec
Over the Moon
Today my four-year-old asked me, “Daddy, does the moon have a job or does it just sit there?” —@thecatwhisprer
Have kids so you always have someone to point out how long your nose hairs are while standing in checkout lines. —@rodlacroix
What is a Weekend?
Me: Get yourself ready for school.
Me: It's Monday.
Five-year-old: Can't we just do Sunday again? —@Xplodingunicorn
We'll Need to See the Menu
My daughter is in her first year of middle school and I asked if she's planning to go to any of the dances. She said, "Only if there's going to be food." —@Valeegrrl
My kid just said good nightmare instead of good night, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening. —@Daddydoubts
The girl I babysit: I want to be tall and skinny when I grow up.
Me, realizing the damage society does to young girls but too tired to correct her: Me too.
Girl: Like Abraham Lincoln. —@Haleyflynnstead
How Could You?
When you mindlessly cut your kid's sandwich into squares instead of triangles and your whole world collapses around you. —@Henpeckedhal
No Compliments to the Chef
Seven-year-old: Can I have a snack?
Me: No, you'll ruin your dinner.
Seven-year-old: I thought that was your job. —@Xplodingunicorn
Future's Looking Bright
My kid just called romaine lettuce "gross kale" so the next batch of humans is coming alone nicely, thanks for asking. —@Lifeattiffanys
At the Drive-Thru Window...
Toddler: Can I say hi?
Me: Aww that's sweet.
*Rolls down window*
Toddler: Two milkshakes, please! —@Dadzzzasleep
Why So Serious?
Me: Why aren't you smiling in your school pictures?
Child: Because I'm at school.
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: Okay, I get it. —@Moooooog35
At Ease, Soldier
My son announces that he is going to empty the dishwasher with the same tone and tenor as if he were off to war. —@Junejuly12
Some Amenities Are Essential...
Planning a family vacation is mostly just making sure the hotel has a pool. —@Petricksara
If my kids' toys come to life, I'm doing the sensible thing and claiming them on my taxes. —@Pittdave13
When Kids Write Jokes
Okay, come in. —@KidsWriteJokes
Enough is Enough
Seven-year-old: Everybody needs to go home right now. —@XplodingUnicorn
Lost in Translation
Me: You're amazing!
Four-year-old: I'm not a raisin! —@LaGuardiaCross
Four-year-old: Mommy, what if you never would have had kids?
Me: Then I wouldn't know how much I was missing. You make me better. You help me love more deeply than I ever thought I could. You fill me with joy and pride. I'm thankful for you and I'm so happy you're here!
Four-year-old: I'm gonna toot. —@MyMomologue
Check out more hilarious tweets that are guaranteed to make you grin!
When the Tub is Too Far
Me: What are you doing?
Three-year-old: Taking a bath.
Me: Why are you in the sink?
Three-year-old: Taking a bath!
Me: Remember to wash your hair. —@ParentNormal
A New Name
My two-year-old referred to her coat pockets as “snack holes,” and this is what I shall forever call them. —@RebeccaCaprara
Two Left Feet
Our six-year-old does a lot of trash talking for someone who puts his shoes on the wrong feet 30 per cent of the time. —@dad_in_brief
I’m a parent. My hobbies include watching fresh produce rot in my fridge and telling my kids that they should have done what I asked the first time. —@PetrickSara
Practice Makes Perfect
Prepare your spouse for parenthood by waking them up at 3 a.m. to tell them it’s not raining and then demand some cheese. —@MacgyveringM22
Real question my kids got out of bed to ask me: “Mom, do you have any twigs I can use?” —@ashleyaustrew
Before having kids:
“I am NEVER making separate meals for my children.”
Four years later: “Let me repeat your order: tricolour pasta (al dente) with butter and cheese on a bed of string cheese on a fairy plate, cup of water with star-shaped ice cubes, yogurt two ways, Cheez-Its.” —@bretjturner
Fish have Feelings
Son: What’s for dinner?
[He screams, starts hyperventilating, begins to break from reality.]
Son: [Suddenly stops] Wait. Have I ever had fish? —@DadandBuried
Call Steve Irwin
Recently, a little boy politely said hi to my nephew. He responded, “Hi! I am Alligator” and pretended to eat the other kid with his arms. I have never been prouder. —@karencheee
A New Godzilla
My four-year-old is insisting he’ll only eat “monster food,” and whatever that is, it’s definitely not the grilled cheese my wife just made. —@Dadpression
A Personalized Bath
My friend Luke didn’t realize until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature. He thought it was just a term his mom used to describe his bathwater. —@Adam__Melia
Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk
Four-year-old: Daddy, I spilled some milk.
Me: A little or a lot?
Four-year-old: A tiny bit.
Four-year-old: But that tiny bit went everywhere. —@Distracted_Dad
I told my daughter that showing her chewed-up food to her brother in public is gross, and she said, “Well I’m not here for the people.” —Saladin Ahmed, writer
Eat Your Veggies
“The carrots are working!”—My six-year-old son, finding his shoes in a dark room. —@whatbabytalk
Make It Rain
*Making macaroni and cheese*
Five-year-old: I wanna put the cheese in!
Me, handing her open packet of powder: Okay, can you very carefully pour this in?
Five-year-old: *Just waves the packet around like she’s throwing rice at a wedding* —@copymama
Celebrate the joys of gastronomy with these amazing movies about cooking.
No Paparazzi, Please!
Me to a kid in the elevator holding a stuffed pig: Hey! Is that a pig?
Kid: He doesn’t like you.
Me: How can I make him like me?
Kid: If you stop asking questions. —Helen Rosner, food writer
A Real Bad Boy
One of the weirdest things people would ask me when my kid was younger was, “Is he a good baby?”
Oh, no, this is one of those extremely bad babies. He runs an organized crime syndicate from his crib and sneaks cigarettes whenever I’m not looking. —Anne Thériault, writer
Have Your Cake and Eat it, Too
Three-year-old: *face covered in frosting*
Me: Were you eating cake?
Three-year-old: No. I just kissed it. —@XplodingUnicorn
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie. That’s what I’m here for.
Nine-year-old: Why are arms the only body parts that have a pit?
Me: Just go to sleep. —@Pork_Chop_Hair
Eight-year-old: How come you only cook food that I hate?
Me: Well, for starters, I keep a secret recipe book called Meals Kids Hate.
Eight-year-old: *Whispers, wide-eyed.* I knew it! —@LurkAtHomeMom
From tips to misunderstandings, these hilarious food Tweets will make you... hungry.
Philosopher in the Making
My daughter woke me up at 5 a.m. to urgently tell me “Any balloon SpongeBob blows up is technically a water balloon,” and I have not been able to fall back asleep. —@isabelzawtun
Me: The broth in this beef stew I made is really good.
Son: Slowly squeezes ketchup into stew without breaking eye contact. —@KateWhineHall
A Message From Beyond the Grave
My kids: *using the Ouija board*
Daughter: What’s nostalgia?
Wife: It’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[Later] Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: Aww, we missed you!
Daughter: [whispering] Nostalgia. —@NewDadNotes