Culture
40 Funny Tweets About Parenting That Will Make Your Day
Parenting is both beautiful and difficult. These relatable parenting tweets will make you laugh out loud.
Two Left Feet
Our six-year-old does a lot of trash talking for someone who puts his shoes on the wrong feet 30 per cent of the time. —@dad_in_brief
Time is a Construct
Sorry we’re late. I let my kid tie his own shoes. —@Mom_Overboard
Check out these unbelievably cute photos of kids in the great outdoors.
Unsolved Mysteries
If I, as a mom, don’t know where something is in this house, it means it’s gone forever. —@momtruths2btold
Don’t miss these hilarious examples of irony in real life.
Strange Habits
I’m a parent. My hobbies include watching fresh produce rot in my fridge and telling my kids that they should have done what I asked the first time. —@PetrickSara
No Rest for the Wicked
Friend: What’s that thing where you’re always tired but can never get rest?
Me: Parenthood. —@MyMomologue
We’ve rounded up the funniest Canadian headlines of all time.
A Real Relic
Seven-year-old: “Wow, this must be an antique! It’s from way back in the 1900s!”
Me: “Okay, calm down. It’s from 1997.” —@maughammom
Take a look at the 50+ things everyone had in their house in the ’90s.
Picky Eaters
My favourite thing about buying food in bulk is when my kids immediately decide that they now hate that food. —@bluebonetbabies
Watch out for the things you should never say to a Canadian.
Practice Makes Perfect
Prepare your spouse for parenthood by waking them up at 3 a.m. to tell them it’s not raining and then demand some cheese. —@MacgyveringM22
Pressing Matters
Real question my kids got out of bed to ask me: “Mom, do you have any twigs I can use?” —@ashleyaustrew
A Love of Literature
Six-year-old: *checks out another Star Wars book from the school library*
Me: Why do you always get Star Wars books?
Six-year-old: I only read the classics. —@Xplodingunicorn
These corny Stars Wars jokes can be used for any occasion!
Personal Chef
Before having kids:
“I am NEVER making separate meals for my children.”
Four years later: “Let me repeat your order: tricolour pasta (al dente) with butter and cheese on a bed of string cheese on a fairy plate, cup of water with star-shaped ice cubes, yogurt two ways, Cheez-Its.” —@bretjturner
Fish have Feelings
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish.
[He screams, starts hyperventilating, begins to break from reality.]
Son: [Suddenly stops] Wait. Have I ever had fish? —@DadandBuried
Call Steve Irwin
Recently, a little boy politely said hi to my nephew. He responded, “Hi! I am Alligator” and pretended to eat the other kid with his arms. I have never been prouder. —@karencheee
A New Godzilla
My four-year-old is insisting he’ll only eat “monster food,” and whatever that is, it’s definitely not the grilled cheese my wife just made. —@Dadpression
A Personalized Bath
My friend Luke didn’t realize until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature. He thought it was just a term his mom used to describe his bathwater. —@Adam__Melia
Door Jam
In my experience, when one door closes it reopens and closes 13 more times by a small child. —@mommajessiec
You won’t believe the strangest things mechanics have found in cars!
Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk
Four-year-old: Daddy, I spilled some milk.
Me: A little or a lot?
Four-year-old: A tiny bit.
Me: Okay.
Four-year-old: But that tiny bit went everywhere. —@Distracted_Dad
Public Enemy
I told my daughter that showing her chewed-up food to her brother in public is gross, and she said, “Well I’m not here for the people.” —Saladin Ahmed, writer
Eat Your Veggies
“The carrots are working!” —My six-year-old son, finding his shoes in a dark room. —@whatbabytalk
Make It Rain
*Making macaroni and cheese*
Five-year-old: I wanna put the cheese in!
Me, handing her open packet of powder: Okay, can you very carefully pour this in?
Five-year-old: *Just waves the packet around like she’s throwing rice at a wedding* —@copymama
Celebrate the joys of gastronomy with these amazing movies about cooking.
No Paparazzi, Please!
Me to a kid in the elevator holding a stuffed pig: Hey! Is that a pig?
Kid: He doesn’t like you.
Me: How can I make him like me?
Kid: If you stop asking questions. —Helen Rosner, food writer
A Real Bad Boy
One of the weirdest things people would ask me when my kid was younger was, “Is he a good baby?”
Oh, no, this is one of those extremely bad babies. He runs an organized crime syndicate from his crib and sneaks cigarettes whenever I’m not looking. —Anne Thériault, writer
Roll With It
Today my child is upset by “All the stuff that doesn’t have wheels.” —@MyMomologue
We guarantee you’ll be able to relate to these funny tweets about technology!
On Repeat
If you’re on the fence about having kids, I suggest you listen to the same YouTube clip for five days straight, then see how you feel. —@ramblinma
Get ready to reminisce with these hilariously awkward first kiss stories.
Have Your Cake and Eat it, Too
Three-year-old: *face covered in frosting*
Me: Were you eating cake?
Three-year-old: No. I just kissed it. —@XplodingUnicorn
Animals are Friends
[Making pigs in a blanket]
Six-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
Six-year-old: Nobody you know in a blanket. —@XplodingUnicorn
Brighten your day with these funny animal pictures.
Future Biologist
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie. That’s what I’m here for.
Nine-year-old: Why are arms the only body parts that have a pit?
Me: Just go to sleep. —@Pork_Chop_Hair
Strange Cookbook
Eight-year-old: How come you only cook food that I hate?
Me: Well, for starters,
I keep a secret recipe book called Meals
Kids Hate.
Eight-year-old: …
Me: …
Eight-year-old: *Whispers, wide-eyed.* I knew it! —@LurkAtHomeMom
From tips to misunderstandings, these hilarious food tweets will make you… hungry.
Conspiracy Theorist
The best joke I heard this week was from my 11-year-old nephew: “Gender was invented by bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms.” —@waxpancake
Don’t miss these bad jokes that you can’t help but laugh at.
Philosopher in the Making
My daughter woke me up at 5 a.m. to urgently tell me “Any balloon SpongeBob blows up is technically a water balloon,” and I have not been able to fall back asleep. —@isabelzawtun
Mr. Know-It-All
Me: Time for bed.
Four-year-old: No,
it’s not.
Me: You can’t tell time.
Four-year-old: I can tell you’re wrong. —@XplodingUnicorn
Check out these adorable pictures of dogs dressed for work.
Strange Stalker
Sometimes I miss having a toddler, but then I hear one throwing a tantrum because “The moon keeps following me,” and I think, “Yeah, I’m good.” —@FatherWithTwins
You won’t want to miss these hilarious light bulb jokes.
Helping Hand
Me, the first time my kid tries to help out: “Oh, that’s so nice. Thank you.”
Me, every other time since: “Pal, get out of the dishwasher. We need to leave in less than an hour.” —@thedad
Up your humour game with these hilarious short jokes.
Condiment Lover
Me: The broth in this beef stew I made is really good.
Son: Slowly squeezes ketchup into stew without breaking eye contact. —@KateWhineHall
A Message From Beyond the Grave
Me: *dies*
My kids: *using the Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R? —@Carbosly
Guessing Game
A children’s birthday party game: guess which guests are contagious. —@PetrickSara
These jokes about birthdays are guaranteed to get a laugh!
Daily Motivation
Instead of brushing her teeth like I asked, my five-year-old went to the bathroom, lay down in front of the toilet and took a nap. I guess what I’m trying to say is she’s my new life coach. —@daddysdigest
Get through the week with these funny jokes about work.
Back-Handed Compliment
Daughter: What’s nostalgia?
Wife: It’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[Later] Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: Aww, we missed you!
Daughter: [whispering] Nostalgia. —@NewDadNotes
Hamper Damper
How to stay on top of the laundry when you have two or more kids:
1. You can’t.
2. Find a new dream. —@MacgyveringM22
Next, crack a rib with the funniest Reader’s Digest jokes of all time.