70+ Funny Tweets Every Parent Can Relate To
Parenting is both challenging and rewarding—and sometimes very, very funny. These totally relatable parenting tweets will make you laugh out loud.
He Said, She Said
“… and then Mommy turned into a big mountain where the princess and the dragon had a party!” –My four-year-old explaining how I fell asleep in the middle of our game. —@bunandleggings
The “Why” Phase
Please respect our privacy at this difficult time while we deal with our toddler, who has just entered the “Why?” phase. —@whinecheezit
You’ve Got a Friend in Me
“You’re just like me: trash!” –My toddler, quoting Toy Story 4 to strangers on the street. —@dadthatwrites
On that note, here are the best Halloween movies for kids!
The Horror, the Horror
Sometimes I like to live dangerously by putting ketchup on my kid’s dinner plate without asking where they would like it. —@threetimedaddy
A Day in the Life
Yesterday, my four-year-old and I painted pictures, went to the park, played house, cooked dinner together and watched a movie. Or, as she described it to her teacher: “I picked up a dead bug and mommy yelled at me.” —@stayathomies
Hosts With the Most
How my family preps for guests:
Me: *Tidies up.*
Husband: *Fires up the barbecue.*
Toddler: *Removes all clothing.* —@jannakilimnik
Goldilocks Strikes Back
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *Makes new sandwich.*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *Makes one just right.*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore. —@mommajessiec
Over the Moon
Today my four-year-old asked me, “Daddy, does the moon have a job or does it just sit there?” —@thecatwhisprer
Have kids so you always have someone to point out how long your nose hairs are while standing in checkout lines. —@rodlacroix
What is a Weekend?
Me: Get yourself ready for school.
Me: It’s Monday.
Five-year-old: Can’t we just do Sunday again? —@Xplodingunicorn
We’ll Need to See the Menu
My daughter is in her first year of middle school and I asked if she’s planning to go to any of the dances. She said, “Only if there’s going to be food.” —@Valeegrrl
My kid just said good nightmare instead of good night, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening. —@Daddydoubts
Hell Hath No Fury
There is nothing quite like being condescended to by a four-year-old with her shoes on the wrong feet. —@Thecatwhisperer
Check out the best jokes from Canada’s top comedians.
The girl I babysit: I want to be tall and skinny when I grow up.
Me, realizing the damage society does to young girls but too tired to correct her: Me too.
Girl: Like Abraham Lincoln. —@Haleyflynnstead
How Could You?
When you mindlessly cut your kid’s sandwich into squares instead of triangles and your whole world collapses around you. —@Henpeckedhal
No Compliments to the Chef
Seven-year-old: Can I have a snack?
Me: No, you’ll ruin your dinner.
Seven-year-old: I thought that was your job. —@Xplodingunicorn
Future’s Looking Bright
My kid just called romaine lettuce “gross kale” so the next batch of humans is coming alone nicely, thanks for asking. —@Lifeattiffanys
At the Drive-Thru Window…
Toddler: Can I say hi?
Me: Aww that’s sweet.
*Rolls down window*
Toddler: Two milkshakes, please! —@Dadzzzasleep
Why So Serious?
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school pictures?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: Okay, I get it. —@Moooooog35
At Ease, Soldier
My son announces that he is going to empty the dishwasher with the same tone and tenor as if he were off to war. —@Junejuly12
Some Amenities Are Essential…
Planning a family vacation is mostly just making sure the hotel has a pool. —@Petricksara
If my kids’ toys come to life, I’m doing the sensible thing and claiming them on my taxes. —@Pittdave13
When Kids Write Jokes
Okay, come in. —@KidsWriteJokes
Enough is Enough
Seven-year-old: Everybody needs to go home right now. —@XplodingUnicorn
Lost in Translation
Me: You’re amazing!
Four-year-old: I’m not a raisin! —@LaGuardiaCross
Four-year-old: Mommy, what if you never would have had kids?
Me: Then I wouldn’t know how much I was missing. You make me better. You help me love more deeply than I ever thought I could. You fill me with joy and pride. I’m thankful for you and I’m so happy you’re here!
Four-year-old: I’m gonna toot. —@MyMomologue
Check out more hilarious tweets that are guaranteed to make you grin!
Wake Up Call
I don’t know what kind of life I envisioned myself having at this age, but watching a half-naked toddler lick the frosting off a Pop-Tart while sitting on my chest at 5:45 a.m. was almost definitely not a part of it. —@DadandBuried
Don’t miss these hilariously awkward family photos!
Six-year-old: [yelling] Mom! I stubbed my foot thumb!
Me: Your what?
Six-year-old: My foot thumb! [points to big toe]
Me: Oh, your BIG toe!
Six-year-old: WHATEVER! —@DomesticGoddss
These funny phrases are definitely worth memorizing.
When the Tub is Too Far
Me: What are you doing?
Three-year-old: Taking a bath.
Me: Why are you in the sink?
Three-year-old: Taking a bath!
Me: Remember to wash your hair. —@ParentNormal
Farm to Table
Three-year-old: Can we go to the farm for lunch?
Three-year-old: Daddy takes us to the farm.
Me: Um, do you mean McDonalds?
Three-year-old: Yes. —@andwhatamom
These funny photos of farm animals will leave you smiling.
My son’s begging to be home schooled so he can “take a really long lunch break,” and, like, that’s valid. —@ValeeGrrl
Want to sound smart? Make sure these clever jokes are in your arsenal.
A New Name
My two-year-old referred to her coat pockets as “snack holes,” and this is what I shall forever call them. —@RebeccaCaprara
Two Left Feet
Our six-year-old does a lot of trash talking for someone who puts his shoes on the wrong feet 30 per cent of the time. —@dad_in_brief
Time is a Construct
Sorry we’re late. I let my kid tie his own shoes. —@Mom_Overboard
Check out these unbelievably cute photos of kids in the great outdoors.
I’m a parent. My hobbies include watching fresh produce rot in my fridge and telling my kids that they should have done what I asked the first time. —@PetrickSara
No Rest for the Wicked
Friend: What’s that thing where you’re always tired but can never get rest?
Me: Parenthood. —@MyMomologue
We’ve rounded up the funniest Canadian headlines of all time.
My favourite thing about buying food in bulk is when my kids immediately decide that they now hate that food. —@bluebonetbabies
Watch out for the things you should never say to a Canadian.
She poops too much: my son’s review of his new baby sister. —@UnfilteredMama
Practice Makes Perfect
Prepare your spouse for parenthood by waking them up at 3 a.m. to tell them it’s not raining and then demand some cheese. —@MacgyveringM22
Real question my kids got out of bed to ask me: “Mom, do you have any twigs I can use?” —@ashleyaustrew
A Love of Literature
Six-year-old: *checks out another Star Wars book from the school library*
Me: Why do you always get Star Wars books?
Six-year-old: I only read the classics. —@Xplodingunicorn
These corny Stars Wars jokes can be used for any occasion!
Before having kids:
“I am NEVER making separate meals for my children.”
Four years later: “Let me repeat your order: tricolour pasta (al dente) with butter and cheese on a bed of string cheese on a fairy plate, cup of water with star-shaped ice cubes, yogurt two ways, Cheez-Its.” —@bretjturner
Fish have Feelings
Son: What’s for dinner?
[He screams, starts hyperventilating, begins to break from reality.]
Son: [Suddenly stops] Wait. Have I ever had fish? —@DadandBuried
Call Steve Irwin
Recently, a little boy politely said hi to my nephew. He responded, “Hi! I am Alligator” and pretended to eat the other kid with his arms. I have never been prouder. —@karencheee
A New Godzilla
My four-year-old is insisting he’ll only eat “monster food,” and whatever that is, it’s definitely not the grilled cheese my wife just made. —@Dadpression
A Personalized Bath
My friend Luke didn’t realize until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature. He thought it was just a term his mom used to describe his bathwater. —@Adam__Melia
In my experience, when one door closes it reopens and closes 13 more times by a small child. —@mommajessiec
You won’t believe the strangest things mechanics have found in cars!
Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk
Four-year-old: Daddy, I spilled some milk.
Me: A little or a lot?
Four-year-old: A tiny bit.
Four-year-old: But that tiny bit went everywhere. —@Distracted_Dad
I told my daughter that showing her chewed-up food to her brother in public is gross, and she said, “Well I’m not here for the people.” —Saladin Ahmed, writer
Eat Your Veggies
“The carrots are working!”—My six-year-old son, finding his shoes in a dark room. —@whatbabytalk
Make It Rain
*Making macaroni and cheese*
Five-year-old: I wanna put the cheese in!
Me, handing her open packet of powder: Okay, can you very carefully pour this in?
Five-year-old: *Just waves the packet around like she’s throwing rice at a wedding* —@copymama
Celebrate the joys of gastronomy with these amazing movies about cooking.
No Paparazzi, Please!
Me to a kid in the elevator holding a stuffed pig: Hey! Is that a pig?
Kid: He doesn’t like you.
Me: How can I make him like me?
Kid: If you stop asking questions. —Helen Rosner, food writer
A Real Bad Boy
One of the weirdest things people would ask me when my kid was younger was, “Is he a good baby?”
Oh, no, this is one of those extremely bad babies. He runs an organized crime syndicate from his crib and sneaks cigarettes whenever I’m not looking. —Anne Thériault, writer
If you’re on the fence about having kids, I suggest you listen to the same YouTube clip for five days straight, then see how you feel. —@ramblinma
Get ready to reminisce with these hilariously awkward first kiss stories.
Have Your Cake and Eat it, Too
Three-year-old: *face covered in frosting*
Me: Were you eating cake?
Three-year-old: No. I just kissed it. —@XplodingUnicorn
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie. That’s what I’m here for.
Nine-year-old: Why are arms the only body parts that have a pit?
Me: Just go to sleep. —@Pork_Chop_Hair
Eight-year-old: How come you only cook food that I hate?
Me: Well, for starters, I keep a secret recipe book called Meals Kids Hate.
Eight-year-old: *Whispers, wide-eyed.* I knew it! —@LurkAtHomeMom
From tips to misunderstandings, these hilarious food Tweets will make you… hungry.
Philosopher in the Making
My daughter woke me up at 5 a.m. to urgently tell me “Any balloon SpongeBob blows up is technically a water balloon,” and I have not been able to fall back asleep. —@isabelzawtun
Me: Time for bed.
Four-year-old: No, it’s not.
Me: You can’t tell time.
Four-year-old: I can tell you’re wrong. —@XplodingUnicorn
Check out these adorable pictures of dogs dressed for work.
Me, the first time my kid tries to help out: “Oh, that’s so nice. Thank you.”
Me, every other time since: “Pal, get out of the dishwasher. We need to leave in less than an hour.” —@thedad
Up your humour game with these hilarious short jokes.
Me: The broth in this beef stew I made is really good.
Son: Slowly squeezes ketchup into stew without breaking eye contact. —@KateWhineHall
A Message From Beyond the Grave
My kids: *using the Ouija board*
A children’s birthday party game: guess which guests are contagious. —@PetrickSara
These jokes about birthdays are guaranteed to get a laugh!
Instead of brushing her teeth like I asked, my five-year-old went to the bathroom, lay down in front of the toilet and took a nap. I guess what I’m trying to say is she’s my new life coach. —@daddysdigest
Get through the week with these funny jokes about work.
Daughter: What’s nostalgia?
Wife: It’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[Later] Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: Aww, we missed you!
Daughter: [whispering] Nostalgia. —@NewDadNotes