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20 Funniest Lawyer Jokes Ever

Did you know that lawyer jokes are so old they can be found in the works of Shakespeare? These contemporary takes are worthy of the Bard himself.

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Scales of justicePhoto: Shutterstock

This Lawyer Is Thorough…

The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.

“The bad news is, your blood 
is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”

“What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is 130.”

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Funniest lawyer jokes - man with hands over his earsPhoto: Shutterstock

Trappiest Place on Earth

“A man won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on the It’s a Small World ride. He said he’ll use the money to cut out the part of his brain that won’t stop playing “It’s a Small World After All.” — Conan O’Brien

What makes a comedian laugh? Check out real comedians’ favourite jokes.

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Funniest lawyer jokes - jury duty in courtroomPhoto: Shutterstock

Long Tour of Duty

I work in a courthouse, so when I served jury duty, I knew most of the staff. As I sat with other prospective jurors listening to a woman drone on about how long the process was taking, a judge and two lawyers passed by, giving me a big hello. A minute later, a few maintenance workers did the same.

That set off the malcontent: “Just how long have you been serving jury duty?”

These are the funniest one-liners on the Internet.

4 / 20
Funniest lawyer jokes - autopsy toe tagPhoto: Shutterstock

A Little Too Literal

If you’re interested in becoming a lawyer, you’ll need a degree. But as these court transcripts reveal, the question is, in what?

Attorney: “How was your first marriage terminated?”
Witness: “By death.”
Attorney: “And by whose death was it terminated?”
Witness: “Guess.”

Attorney: “Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
Witness: “All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.”

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Funniest lawyer jokes - foot on gas pedalPhoto: Shutterstock

Roll Call

I was in juvenile court, prosecuting a teen suspected of burglary, when the judge asked everyone to stand and state his or her name and role for the court reporter.

“Leah Rauch, deputy prosecutor,” I said.

“Linda Jones, probation officer.”

“Sam Clark, public defender.”

“John,” said the teen who was on trial. “I’m the one who stole the truck.”

Check out these (true!) stories of the world’s dumbest criminals.

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Funny lawyer jokes - empty walletPhoto: Shutterstock

The First Case

An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. “Mr. Peterson,” she says. “Would you say you’re honest?”

“Honest?” replies Peterson. “Let me tell you something about honesty. My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case.” “Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”

“Dad sued me for the money.”

These hilarious yearbook quotes will crack you up.

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Funny lawyer jokes - justice is blindPhoto: Shutterstock

Court of Less Appeal

Justice isn’t just blind—it’s snickering at these real courtroom give-and-takes:

Judge (to young witness): Do you know what would happen to you if you told a lie?
Witness: Yes. I would go to hell.
Judge: Is that all?
Witness: Isn’t that enough?

Q: Isn’t it a fact that you have been running around with another woman?
A: Yes, it is, but you can’t prove it!

Q: Have you ever heard about taking the Fifth?
A: A fifth of wine?
Q: No, the Fifth Amendment.

Q: What did your sister die of?
A: You would have to ask her. I would be speculating if I told you.

Don’t miss these side-splitting history jokes.

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Funny lawyer jokes - black lawyer's robesPhoto: Shutterstock

Frame of Reference

When my 88-year-old mother was called for jury duty, she had to submit to questioning by the opposing lawyers.

“Have you ever dealt with an attorney?” asked the plaintiff’s lawyer.

“Yes. I had an attorney write my living trust,” she responded.

“And how did that turn out?”

“I don’t know,” she said. “Ask me when I’m dead.”

Check out 50 more corny jokes to celebrate National Tell a Joke Day.

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Funny lawyer jokes - slingshotPhoto: Shutterstock

The Judgment

After I prosecuted a man for killing a bird out of season with his slingshot, the court clerk suggested setting up a date for him to return with both the money for the fine and proof of community service. “That way,” she said innocently, “you can kill two birds with one stone.”

Here are more hilarious bar jokes anyone can remember.

10 / 20
Funny lawyer jokes - police lineupPhoto: Shutterstock

Protesting Too Much

Arrested on a robbery charge, our law firm’s client denied the allegations. So when the victim pointed him out in a lineup as one of four men who had attacked him, our client reacted vociferously.

“He’s lying!” he yelled. “There were only three of us.”

These hilarious Tweets are guaranteed to make you grin!

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Lawyer in office signing documentsPhoto: Shutterstock

Usual Suspect

While prosecuting a robbery case, I conducted an interview with the arresting officer. My first question: “Did you see the defendant at the scene?”

“Yes, from a block away,” the officer answered.

“Was the area well lit?”

“No. It was pretty dark.”

“Then how could you identify the defendant?” I asked, concerned.

Looking at me as if I were nuts, he answered, “I’d recognize my cousin anywhere.”

Is work awkward? Try these funny jokes to defuse the situation.

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Funny lawyer jokes - criminal in handcuffsPhoto: Shutterstock

Running the Show

I am a deputy sheriff assigned to courthouse security. As part of my job, I explain court procedures to visitors. One day I was showing a group of ninth-graders around. Court was in recess and only the clerk and a young man in custody wearing handcuffs were in the courtroom. “This is where the judge sits,” I began, pointing to the bench. “The lawyers sit at these tables. The court clerk sits over there. The court recorder, or stenographer, sits over here. Near the judge is the witness stand and over there is where the jury sits. As you can see,” I finished, “there are a lot of people involved in making this system work.”

At that point, the prisoner raised his cuffed hands and said, “Yeah, but I’m the one who makes it all happen.”

Check out more jokes that make you sound smart!

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Funny lawyer jokes - cop car lightsPhoto: Shutterstock

Guilty as Charged

In Fort Worth, Texas, I was hauled before the judge for driving with expired licence plates. The judge listened attentively while I gave him a long, plausible explanation.

Then he said with great courtesy, “My dear sir, we are not blaming you—we’re just fining you.”

These work-friendly jokes will still crack you up.

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Funny lawyer jokes - judge striking gavelPhoto: Shutterstock

Love Report

A young man I know, who recently became law clerk to a prominent New Jersey judge, was asked to prepare a suggested opinion in an important case. After working on the assignment for some time, he proudly handed in a 23-page document.

When he got it back, he found a terse comment in the judge’s handwriting on page 7: “Stop romancing—propose already.”

Want to roast the happy couple before you toast them? Check out the best wedding jokes of all time.

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Funny lawyer jokes - shovelling snowPhoto: Shutterstock

No Lawsuits

Sidewalks were treacherous after a heavy snowstorm blanketed the University of Idaho campus. Watching people slip and slide, I gingerly made my way to class.

Suddenly I found myself on a clean, snow-free section of walkway. This is weird, I thought— until I noticed that it was directly in front of the College of Law building.

Don’t miss our roundup of the funniest quotes of all time!

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Two lawyers talking on courthouse stepsPhoto: Shutterstock

Waiting for the Fine

The judge had not yet put in an appearance in the San Diego traffic court. When the bailiff entered the courtroom, he sensed the nervousness of the traffic offenders awaiting their ordeal.

“Good morning, ladies and gentlemen,” he said. “Welcome to ‘What’s My Fine?’”

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Funny lawyer jokes - Criminal facing judge in courtPhoto: Shutterstock

Bad Job

As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face. I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions.

“Milton,” I asked, puzzled, “how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?”

“I was in prison,” he answered. “You should know that—you were the one who sent me there.”

“That’s not possible,” I said. “I wasn’t even a judge then.”

“No, you weren’t the judge,” the defendant countered, smiling mischievously. “You were my lawyer.”

Do you often have trouble making it to the punchline? Here are more short jokes anyone can remember!

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Funny lawyer jokes - group of lawyersPhoto: Shutterstock

Liar Liar

As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?

The defence attorney took a different approach, however. “I see you are a teacher,” he said. “What do you teach?”

“English and theatre,” I responded.

“Then I guess I better watch my grammar,” the defence attorney quipped.

“No,” I shot back. “You better watch your acting.”

When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.

Here are 20 clever grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate.

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Funny lawyer jokes - attorney at lastPhoto: Shutterstock

Not So Humble

I was once a legal secretary to a young law clerk who passed the bar exam on his third try. This fledgling attorney worked hard on his initial pleading, which should have read “Attorney at Law” at the top of the first page.

After I submitted the finished document for his review and signature, I was embarrassed when he pointed out a critical typing error. “Must you rub it in?” he asked.

I had typed: “Attorney at Last.”

Check out 80+ funny work cartoons to get you through the week!

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Funny lawyer jokes - stack of legal paperworkPhoto: Shutterstock

Tough Punishment

I was a brand-new attorney in practice alone, and I had a likewise inexperienced secretary fresh out of high school. The importance of proofreading the results of my dictation was highlighted one day when a reminder to a client’s tenant to pay her rent or suffer eviction was transcribed as follows: “You are hereby notified that if payment is not received within five business days, I will have no choice but to commence execution proceedings.”

Next, check out the funniest Reader’s Digest jokes of all time.

Originally Published on Reader's Digest