40+ Hilarious Tweets That Are Guaranteed to Make You Grin
People on Twitter can get really creative—and these tweets are sure to put a smile on your face.
My absolute No. 1 favourite phrase to overhear is: “Just between you and me…” —Raina Douris, radio host
Here are the things you should never say to a Canadian.
The Carpet Says…
I’m just sick of people walking all over me. —@chrisdowning
Q: Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
A: It had too many sleepless knights. —@Dadsaysjokes
Test your history chops with these hilarious history jokes.
Funny and Freaky
If you need something to pass time on a plane, over the course of the flight, slowly and silently apply an entire face of clown makeup. —@bridger_w
Everyone, everyone, hold up. I have an idea. What if we all stand BACK from the luggage carousel and only step forward if you actually see your bag? —Andrew Chang, news anchor
These are the things you should never say to flight attendants.
Think About It
“But you said you were 10 minutes away.”
First of all, I didn’t say where I was 10 minutes away from. —@ImTheeBrock
Discover the strangest things mechanics have found in cars.
Sweet Dreams Get Crushed
I heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house and ran to see if he was okay. I discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appears visibly upset when it dissolves in the water. —@TheOutli3R
We dare you not to smile while looking at these adorable pictures of baby animals.
Don’t Try This at Home
I saw a sign that said “falling rocks,” so I tried and it doesn’t. —@ElleOhHell
Friend: Okay, when does a joke become a dad joke?
Me, with no hesitation: When it becomes apparent. —@taddmike
Here are more bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at.
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. But teach a man to fish and he’ll be like, “Um, actually, I know how to fish, I’ll show you.” And you’ll wish you had your old fish so you could throw it at him. —Aparna Nancherla, comedian
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau, they would win celebrity-couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.” —Bryan Donaldson, TV writer
We bet you didn’t know these historical figures were related!
Fruits of My Labour
Firemen keep harvesting my cat tree. —@zoebread
See the cutest cat breeds as kittens!
Talking ’Bout Your Generation
Millennials. Walking around like they rent the place. —@SpenceDen
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows? —@donni
Don’t miss these facts behind the greatest songs of all time.
Well, This Is Awkward
Me: *Struggling to think of things to talk about.* “So, what do you do for a living?”
Barber: *Slowly stops cutting my hair.* —@KeetPotato
A Bit Too Clever
Someone came into the library where I work and asked me if we had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat. I said it rang a bell but I wasn’t sure if it was there or not. —@localnotail
Learn about the most famous first pets to live in the White House.
To Seal One’s Wait
Do people who line up at the gate before their flight starts boarding also stand next to the toilet 20 minutes before they even have to pee? —@joshgondelman
My body: WHAT DO WE WANT?
My brain: SLEEP!
My body: WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
My brain: AT EITHER 2 p.m. OR 3 p.m. NO OTHER TIME.
My body: No, that’s not—
My brain: WE ARE UNWILLING TO COMPROMISE. —@keelyflaherty
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter… it’s the thought that counts. —@C00LpenNAME
Check out these LOL-worthy wedding jokes about marriage!
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today and thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.” —@Tmoney68
Keep it Tidy
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than the other prisoners. —@mstern68
Whenever I watch Forensic Files and realize I’ve already seen the episode, I get so mad I could poison someone in small amounts every day for six months. —Jeremy Rowley, Comedian
Check out these true stories of the world’s dumbest criminals.
Know Your Rights
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested? —Evan Kessler, Comedian
Nature Works in Mysterious Ways
How is it that unicorns are fake but giraffes are real? Like, what’s more believable: a horse with a horn or a leopard-moose-camel with a 40-foot neck? —@_kylebrownlee
Sharing Is Caring
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
Is There a Cure For That?
I went to the doctor and he said, “You’ve got hypochondria.” I said, “Not that as well!” —Tim Vine, comedian
What are some cures for insomnia that do not involve drinking less caffeine and alcohol, or turning off your phone and computer, or getting exercise or meditating or reducing stress in any way? —Bess Kalb, TV Writer
Our editors have rounded up the funniest jokes in Reader’s Digest history.
What doesn’t kill you gives you a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humour. —@potsiegirlsarah
A Real Labyrinth
IKEA is just an escape room you don’t have to pay to enter. —@_caroline__28
Here’s the real reason why IKEA products have such weird names.
The Rest is Unwritten
Broken pencils are pointless. —@BreakingHunt
Every science nerd will appreciate these physics jokes.
Getting to the Root of the Problem
Me: This town ain’t big enough…
Gunslinger: Yeah, yeah, for the two of us.
Me: No, I mean in general. There isn’t enough infrastructure to support the population.
Gunslinger: You know what? You’re right.
[We begin urban planning.] —@ThugRaccoons
Me, in hell: I was told there would be a “special” place for me? —Alice Wetterlund, comedian