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101 Hilarious Tweets That Are Guaranteed to Make You Grin

People on Twitter can get really creative—and these tweets are sure to put a smile on your face.

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Precious Cargo

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller: What’s wrong with your baby? —@prufrockluvsong

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Cold Comfort

I wouldn’t mind living in a haunted house. Cold spot in the room? That sounds like a great place to chill the wine or to stand when I’m hot flashing. —@Lisabug74

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Miscommunication

Me: I’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles.
Dracula: Venn?
Me: Probably tomorrow. —@fro_vo

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Fudging the Numbers

Just did my own taxes. So should be in jail by Friday. —@yellowbonemama

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Inventing the Soul Patch

Friend: You missed a spot.
Guy: I don’t care. —@donttouchjames

These bad dad jokes from Twitter will make you LOL!

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Two in One

The opposite of formaldehyde is casual­dejekyll. —@Browtweaten

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Right On Schedule

Me: I’m going to sleep in today.
The 500 birds outside my window: Lol. —@GroovyTasia

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Canadian goosePhoto: Shutterstock

That’s An Order!

Might as well go ahead and get in the pond if you’re going to keep acting like a silly goose! —@lowendfury

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Family Therapy

My therapist just referred to her therapist as my grand-therapist, which is a lot to process. —@corietjohnson

Check out these times video conference calls went hilariously wrong!

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Home theatrePhoto: Shutterstock

Cinematic Experience

I thought I liked seeing movies, but it turns out I just like eating candy in a dark room where no one’s allowed to talk to me. —@caraweinberger

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Woman having trouble sleepingPhoto: Shutterstock

Injuries by Age

Age 5: I jumped off a swing.
Age 21: I jumped off a bar table.
Age 38: Sleeping. I hurt myself while I was sleeping. —@AbbyHasIssues

These funny sleep jokes will have you laughing in bed!

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Leg Day

It’s been six months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on. —@_CakeBawse

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The Body is a Cheap Apartment

I’m becoming the landlord of my own body by refusing to fix anything wrong with it. —@i_zzzzzz

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Stressful Singing

I love seeing people panic at karaoke when they realize how long and repetitive their song is. It’s like their eyes are asking, “Will I be singing ‘My Sharona’ forever?” —@isabelzawtun

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Breaking up conceptPhoto: Shutterstock

Brutal Honesty

Him: I think we should see other people.
Me: I disagree. I think we should break up and both be alone. —@ginnyhogan_

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False Advertising

The ads for women’s shower products always say things like “Lock in your moisture” and “Rejuvenate your pores.” Meanwhile, men’s ads are just like “Smell like hammer, you idiot.” —@MNateShyamalan

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Feline Instinct

It’s unfair to say that Scar murdered Mufasa in The Lion King. Cats just have a natural need to knock things off ledges. —@PatsATweetin

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Free Wheeling

Always remember: you can do a cartwheel whenever and wherever you want. —@charstarlene

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A Complete Misunderstanding

Debt collector: You have an outstanding bill.

Me: Aw, thank you! —@abbieexansxo

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Life is Unfair

Me: Can I have a turn in the hedge now?
Hedgehog: No. —@abbieevansxo

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Debit card machinePhoto: Shutterstock

True Love Waits

“If you love something, set it free.” –Me, spending money
—@alyssalimp

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Cast of the TV show FriendsPhoto: Amazon.ca

I’ll Be There for You

“I’m not here to make friends.” –The creator of Friends, who originally wanted to make a different show. —@yoyorobot

If you want to bring your A-game to trivia night, here are some pop culture facts to keep in mind.

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Canadian hundred dollar billsPhoto: Arlene Grace Evangelista/Shutterstock

Worst Nightmare

You: We all attract what we fear.
Me: I am absolutely terrified of 10 billion dollars. —@leokolade

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True Story

Mind-blowing literary fact: all non-fiction books take place in the same shared universe. —@osutein

These true crime books are so chilling, you shouldn’t read them at night!

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No Such Thing?

Not to brag, but I happen to be the reason why the yoga instructor stopped saying “There’s no such thing as a stupid question.” —@hellohappy_time

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Parking metrePhoto: Shutterstock

Confidence Boost

If you’re ever feeling down on yourself, just remember how in 2018, when I hosted Thanksgiving for my family, I told them to park in the wrong spot and every single person’s car got towed. —@dxxnya

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Businesswoman with headachePhoto: Shutterstock

WebMD

One of my favourite games to play is “Is my headache from dehydration, caffeine withdrawal, lack of proper nutrition, my ponytail, stress, sleep deprivation, not wearing my glasses or a brain tumour?” —@pmilbs_

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The Truth About Dating

Dating is just somebody revealing the grosser parts of themselves little by little until you say “Okay, that’s enough” or “Okay, this forever.” —@AmySilverberg

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Hilarious tweets - man needs coffeePhoto: Shutterstock

But First, Coffee

Me, before coffee:
Ugh, why is everyone shouting?
Me, after coffee: Okay, yes, I do see the fire now. —@rica_bee

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Hilarious tweets - couple unpacking, moving in togetherPhoto: Shutterstock

Modern Romance

I moved in with my girlfriend after one year. Some people say we’re rushing in, but we’re both so in love with saving $900 a month. —@mondaypunday

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Hilarious tweets - driving at nightPhoto: Shutterstock

Night Owls

My friend and I were driving home the other night at what felt like well past midnight, but the clock said 8:36 p.m. If that doesn’t sum up being in your 40s, I don’t know what does. —@letmestart

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Hilarious tweets - piratePhoto: Shutterstock

Truly Irate

Me: What makes you angry?
Pirate: When someone steals my p. —@tweetpotato314

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Do We Have Your Attention?

Accordion to research, nine out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random instruments. —@peachesanscream

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Plans For Expansion

Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
City Planner: No, this is just the mock-up. The actual town will be much bigger. —@theandrewnadeau

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Hilarious tweets - man blowing nose cold in winterPhoto: Shutterstock

That Time of Year

Winter is just me asking my body, “Hey, are you sick?” and my body answering, “Maybe!” —@jpbrammer

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Hilarious tweets - woman making speechPhoto: Shutterstock

Location, Location, Location


The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective. —@Chicksrule

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Canon Copy Edited

Writer: The Wizard of Oz
Editor: Oz’s Wizard —@Ben_rosen

These hilarious work jokes will help you get through the week.

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Now We’re Cooking


Wife [on the phone]: Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
Me: Yep.
Wife: What temperature did you set it to?
Me: 534
Wife: That’s the clock
Me:
Wife:
Me: 535 —@Iwearaonesie

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Hilarious tweets - coffee mugsPhoto: Shutterstock

A Whole Latte Laughs

Me: Honey, it’s really muggy out today.
Wife: If I go outside and all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving you.
Me: *Sips coffee from bowl* —@Mynameisntdave

If that made you grin, you’ll love these ridiculous coffee puns.

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Hilarious Tweets - dog taking a napPhoto: Shutterstock

Chase Your Dreams

If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. —@Planet_Irony

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Hilarious Tweets - Baby revealPhoto: Shutterstock

Now That’s a Reveal

Me: My wife is having a baby.
Colleague: Oh my God, do you know what it is?
Me: It’s a person, but smaller. —@Keetpotato

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Hilarious Tweets - Record player one-hit wonderPhoto: Shutterstock

We All Get Our 15 Minutes of Fame

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “one-hit wonder” came up with any other phrases. —@Humurous1liners

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Hilarious Tweets - little girl readingPhoto: Shutterstock

Those Were the Days

Would love for one second of my adult life to feel as amped as I did as a child knowing I had five bucks to spend at the Scholastic Book Fair. — @Kristen_arnett

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Hilarious Tweets - airportPhoto: Shutterstock

Anything Goes

The airport is a lawless place. Seven a.m.? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17. — @Alyssalimp

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Hilarious tweets - Man scratching head he doesn't knowPhoto: Shutterstock

Hmm… Let Me Get Back to You on That

You never realize how boring you are until someone asks you what you do for fun. —@Thefunnyteeng

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Hilarious Tweets - Woman unplugging cordPhoto: Shutterstock

It’s Called Problem Solving

I just found out my mum didn’t know how to set the clock on her new microwave. So she stayed up until midnight and then plugged it in. —@Giftedrascal

Everyone can relate to these funny tweets about technology.

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Hilarious Tweets - upside down alarm clock 7:07 LOLPhoto: Shutterstock

All the LOLs

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me… Then realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07. —@Pembdave

These hilarious golf jokes are better than a hole-in-one.

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Hilarious Tweets - Business man on beachPhoto: Shutterstock

He’s Not Wrong

“It’s five o’clock somewhere,” I say as I leave work at 9 a.m. —@Michaelsmartguy

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Time is Relative

If I tell you I’m five minutes away and you believe me, that is your own personal problem. —@Heysar4h

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Hilarious Tweets - surprised baby

Fairweather Friend

I hate when babies start acting like everything’s brand new. It’s me. I just saw you last week and we were best friends. Don’t do this to me.” —@Stfubryann

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voice controlled smart speakerPhoto: r.classen/Shutterstock

Modern Malaise

My aunt got a Google Home for Christmas and she already had an Amazon Alexa. Recently we were messing around with the new device and asked, “Okay, Google, what do you think of Alexa?”

It answered, “I like her blue light.” From across the room, Alexa turned on and said, “Thanks.”

I’m scared. —@Allisoncalhoun1

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Hilarious Tweets - blonde hair weavePhoto: Shutterstock

Criminally Fabulous

The police just came to my house. They explained to me that someone had sent them photos of my car. They were worried, as blond hair was sticking out the back. The policeman then asked me to open my trunk, so I did. Their grisly discovery? My clip-in weave. —@Megalexandrax

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Elephant’s Memory

My co-worker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota in 1973. He didn’t try going back to it for 30 years, but when he finally did, the moment he stepped in someone yelled, “Get the hell out of here, Dennis.” That’s probably my favourite story ever. —@Bmangall20

These funny family stories will have you laughing out loud!

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Diminishing Returns


My girlfriend has started calling my hair “the economy” because it’s begun showing strong signs of a recession. —@realHamOnWry

You won’t be able to unsee these funny stock photos!

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Airplane above cloudsPhoto: Shutterstock

Stay Positive


Me: I have to be honest, Steve. I’m a motivational speaker, not a flight instructor.
Steve: WHAT? I CAN’T LAND THIS PLANE!
Me: Not with that attitude you can’t. —@Reverend_Scott

Comedians reveal their favourite jokes ever!

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A Man Walks Into a Bar…


It was painful. —@cleanjoking

These work-friendly jokes will have you smiling in the office.

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Is There An App For That?


I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance. —@DTWillingham

You won’t believe these mind-blowing facts.

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Well Read


I used to know a girl called Paige Turner. I could read her like a book. —@MOSHK_88

Keep laughing with these funny examples of irony in real life.

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funny tweets overhearringPhoto: Shutterstock

Eavesdropper

My absolute No. 1 favourite phrase to overhear is: “Just between you and me…” —Raina Douris, radio host

Here are the things you should never say to a Canadian.

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funny tweets carpetPhoto: Shutterstock

The Carpet Says…

I’m just sick of people walking all over me. —@chrisdowning

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funny tweets catPhoto: Shutterstock

Serial Stalker

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the thousands of pictures you have of them sleeping? —@laurajaylovette

Brighten your day with these funny animal pictures!

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funny tweets knightPhoto: Shutterstock

Exhausted Bunch

Q: Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
A: It had too many sleepless knights. —@Dadsaysjokes

Test your history chops with these hilarious history jokes.

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funny tweets planePhoto: Shutterstock

Funny and Freaky

If you need something to pass time on a plane, over the course of the flight, slowly and silently apply an entire face of clown makeup. —@bridger_w

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funny tweets luggage conveyorPhoto: Arina P Habich/Shutterstock.com

Winning Strategy

Everyone, everyone, hold up. I have an idea. What if we all stand BACK from the luggage carousel and only step forward if you actually see your bag? —Andrew Chang, news anchor

These are the things you should never say to flight attendants.

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funny tweets running latePhoto: Shutterstock

Think About It

“But you said you were 10 minutes away.”
First of all, I didn’t say where I was 10 minutes away from. —@ImTheeBrock

Discover the strangest things mechanics have found in cars.

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funny tweets racoon with breadPhoto: Shutterstock

Sweet Dreams Get Crushed

I heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house and ran to see if he was okay. I discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appears visibly upset when it dissolves in the water. —@TheOutli3R

We dare you not to smile while looking at these adorable pictures of baby animals.

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funny tweets kettlebellPhoto: Shutterstock

Wrecking Ball

Just saw an article about an “easy at-home workout” you can do in your living room with a kettlebell, which sounds like a fun way to break everything in my apartment. —Raina Douris, radio host

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funny tweets falling rocksPhoto: Shutterstock

Don’t Try This at Home

I saw a sign that said “falling rocks,” so I tried and it doesn’t. —@ElleOhHell

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funny tweet parentPhoto: Shutterstock

Dad Joke

Friend: Okay, when does a joke become a dad joke?
Me, with no hesitation: When it becomes apparent. —@taddmike

Here are more bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at.

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funny tweets two giraffesPhoto: Shutterstock

Theory of Evolution

Personally I think giraffes grew those necks because they really wanted to be alone. —Sandra Newman, author

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funny tweets fishingPhoto: Shutterstock

Know-it-All

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. But teach a man to fish and he’ll be like, “Um, actually, I know how to fish, I’ll show you.” And you’ll wish you had your old fish so you could throw it at him. —Aparna Nancherla, comedian

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funny tweets red carpetPhoto: Shutterstock

Dream Team

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau, they would win celebrity-couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.” —Bryan Donaldson, TV writer

We bet you didn’t know these historical figures were related!

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funny tweets raccoonPhoto: Shutterstock

A Perfect Hybrid

If I had to come up with a slogan for raccoons it’d definitely be, “Dogs and hands, together at last.” —Merritt K., podcaster

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Fruits of My Labour

Firemen keep harvesting my cat tree. —@zoebread

See the cutest cat breeds as kittens!

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funny tweets rentPhoto: Shutterstock

Talking ’Bout Your Generation

Millennials. Walking around like they rent the place. —@SpenceDen

Learn why millennials are the happiest generation ever.

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funny tweets ear plugsPhoto: Shutterstock

Sorry, Couldn’t Hear You

Store clerk: Ma’am, you’re not allowed to try out the earplugs before you buy them.
Me: What? —@ElleOhHell

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funny tweets crowPhoto: Shutterstock

Musical Number

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows? —@donni

Don’t miss these facts behind the greatest songs of all time.

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funny tweets barberPhoto: Shutterstock

Well, This Is Awkward

Me: *Struggling to think of things to talk about.* “So, what do you do for a living?”
Barber: *Slowly stops cutting my hair.* —@KeetPotato

Feeling uncomfortable? These funny jokes can defuse an awkward situation.

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funny tweets cat and dogPhoto: Shutterstock

A Bit Too Clever

Someone came into the library where I work and asked me if we had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat. I said it rang a bell but I wasn’t sure if it was there or not. —@localnotail

These funny dog cartoons are sure to make you chuckle.

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funny tweets couple airportPhoto: Shutterstock

To Seal One’s Wait

Do people who line up at the gate before their flight starts boarding also stand next to the toilet 20 minutes before they even have to pee? —@joshgondelman

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funny tweets napPhoto: Shutterstock

Power Naps

My body: WHAT DO WE WANT?
My brain: SLEEP!
My body: WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
My brain: AT EITHER 2 p.m. OR 3 p.m. NO OTHER TIME.
My body: No, that’s not—
My brain: WE ARE UNWILLING TO COMPROMISE. —@keelyflaherty

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funny tweets courtPhoto: Shutterstock

I Make My Own Rules

Proud to announce my dream of becoming a criminal lawyer is halfway complete! Just working on the lawyer part now. —@sabrinahamiddd

We’ve rounded up the funniest lawyer jokes ever.

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funny tweets chalk outlinePhoto: Shutterstock

Crucial Details

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter… it’s the thought that counts. —@C00LpenNAME

Check out these LOL-worthy wedding jokes about marriage!

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funny tweet pilot planePhoto: Shutterstock

Undercover

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today and thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.” —@Tmoney68

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funny tweets prison cellsPhoto: Shutterstock

Keep it Tidy

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than the other prisoners. —@mstern68

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funny tweets crime scenePhoto: Steve Jolicoeur/Shutterstock.com

Forensic Files

Whenever I watch Forensic Files and realize I’ve already seen the episode, I get so mad I could poison someone in small amounts every day for six months. —Jeremy Rowley, Comedian

Check out these true stories of the world’s dumbest criminals.

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funny tweets arrestPhoto: Shutterstock

Know Your Rights

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested? —Evan Kessler, Comedian

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funny tweets umbrella at funeralPhoto: Shutterstock

Mystery Guest

If you pay me $50, I’ll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so people think you died with a dark and interesting secret. —Dana Schwartz, Writer

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funny tweets giraffePhoto: Shutterstock

Nature Works in Mysterious Ways

How is it that unicorns are fake but giraffes are real? Like, what’s more believable: a horse with a horn or a leopard-moose-camel with a 40-foot neck? —@_kylebrownlee

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funny tweets brochurePhoto: Shutterstock

Sharing Is Caring

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure.” —@SkinnerSteven

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funny tweets babyPhoto: Shutterstock

Important Parenting Advice

Don’t name your baby James. Name him Jame. He is one Jame. —@ohheyohhihello

These relatable parenting tweets will make you laugh out loud.

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funny tweet doctorPhoto: Shutterstock

Is There a Cure For That?

I went to the doctor and he said, “You’ve got hypochondria.” I said, “Not that as well!” —Tim Vine, comedian

Check out our funniest doctor jokes of all time.

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funny tweets insomniaPhoto: Shutterstock

Tips, Please


What are some cures for insomnia that do not involve drinking less caffeine and alcohol, or turning off your phone and computer, or getting exercise or meditating or reducing stress in any way? —Bess Kalb, TV Writer

Our editors have rounded up the funniest jokes in Reader’s Digest history.

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funny tweet therapyPhoto: Shutterstock

Survival Skills


What doesn’t kill you gives you a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humour. —@potsiegirlsarah

Psst—if you laugh at these dark jokes, you’re probably a genius!

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funny tweets IKEAPhoto: Prachana Thong-on / Shutterstock.com

A Real Labyrinth

IKEA is just an escape room you don’t have to pay to enter. —@_caroline__28

Here’s the real reason why IKEA products have such weird names.

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funny tweet broken pencilPhoto: Shutterstock

The Rest is Unwritten

Broken pencils are pointless. —@BreakingHunt

Every science nerd will appreciate these physics jokes.

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funny tweets wide legged jeansPhoto: Shutterstock

Questionable Trends

You either die a hero or live long enough to see wide-legged jeans come back into style multiple times. —Adam Sternbergh, writer

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funny tweets gunslignerPhoto: Shutterstock

Getting to the Root of the Problem

Me: This town ain’t big enough…
Gunslinger: Yeah, yeah, for the two of us.
Me: No, I mean in general. There isn’t enough infrastructure to support the population.
Gunslinger: You know what? You’re right.
[We begin urban planning.] —@ThugRaccoons

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funny tweets hellPhoto: Shutterstock

But Where?

Me, in hell: I was told there would be a “special” place for me? —Alice Wetterlund, comedian

Do you often have trouble making it to the punchline? Check out these short jokes anyone can remember!

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funny tweets winePhoto: Shutterstock

Search History: A Window to the Soul

My most recent Google searches are as follows:
“DIY wine opener”
“How to pour wine after breaking the cork”
“How to store wine without cork”
“How long is open wine good for”
“Why do dogs walk funny with shoes on” —@fratulez

These funny work cartoons will help you make it through the week.

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funny tweets super catPhoto: Shutterstock

Kitty’s Got Claws

Dressed the neighbour’s cat in a superhero costume so that when it went home they’d wonder, “Is my cat fighting crime?” —@AimeeHelene1

Next, check out these hunger-inducing tweets about food!

Originally Published in Reader's Digest Canada