99 Hilarious Tweets That Are Guaranteed to Make You Grin
People on Twitter can get really creative—and these tweets are sure to put a smile on your face.
Me: I’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles.
Me: Probably tomorrow. —@fro_vo
Fudging the Numbers
Just did my own taxes. So should be in jail by Friday. —@yellowbonemama
Two in One
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll. —@Browtweaten
Right On Schedule
Me: I’m going to sleep in today.
The 500 birds outside my window: Lol. —@GroovyTasia
That’s An Order!
Might as well go ahead and get in the pond if you’re going to keep acting like a silly goose! —@lowendfury
My therapist just referred to her therapist as my grand-therapist, which is a lot to process. —@corietjohnson
Check out these times video conference calls went hilariously wrong!
I thought I liked seeing movies, but it turns out I just like eating candy in a dark room where no one’s allowed to talk to me. —@caraweinberger
It’s been six months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on. —@_CakeBawse
The Body is a Cheap Apartment
I’m becoming the landlord of my own body by refusing to fix anything wrong with it. —@i_zzzzzz
I love seeing people panic at karaoke when they realize how long and repetitive their song is. It’s like their eyes are asking, “Will I be singing ‘My Sharona’ forever?” —@isabelzawtun
Him: I think we should see other people.
Me: I disagree. I think we should break up and both be alone. —@ginnyhogan_
The ads for women’s shower products always say things like “Lock in your moisture” and “Rejuvenate your pores.” Meanwhile, men’s ads are just like “Smell like hammer, you idiot.” —@MNateShyamalan
It’s unfair to say that Scar murdered Mufasa in The Lion King. Cats just have a natural need to knock things off ledges. —@PatsATweetin
Always remember: you can do a cartwheel whenever and wherever you want. —@charstarlene
Life is Unfair
Me: Can I have a turn in the hedge now?
Hedgehog: No. —@abbieevansxo
True Love Waits
“If you love something, set it free.” –Me, spending money
You: We all attract what we fear.
Me: I am absolutely terrified of 10 billion dollars. —@leokolade
No Such Thing?
Not to brag, but I happen to be the reason why the yoga instructor stopped saying “There’s no such thing as a stupid question.” —@hellohappy_time
If you’re ever feeling down on yourself, just remember how in 2018, when I hosted Thanksgiving for my family, I told them to park in the wrong spot and every single person’s car got towed. —@dxxnya
One of my favourite games to play is “Is my headache from dehydration, caffeine withdrawal, lack of proper nutrition, my ponytail, stress, sleep deprivation, not wearing my glasses or a brain tumour?” —@pmilbs_
The Truth About Dating
Dating is just somebody revealing the grosser parts of themselves little by little until you say “Okay, that’s enough” or “Okay, this forever.” —@AmySilverberg
But First, Coffee
Me, before coffee:
Ugh, why is everyone shouting?
Me, after coffee: Okay, yes, I do see the fire now. —@rica_bee
I moved in with my girlfriend after one year. Some people say we’re rushing in, but we’re both so in love with saving $900 a month. —@mondaypunday
My friend and I were driving home the other night at what felt like well past midnight, but the clock said 8:36 p.m. If that doesn’t sum up being in your 40s, I don’t know what does. —@letmestart
Me: What makes you angry?
Pirate: When someone steals my p. —@tweetpotato314
Do We Have Your Attention?
Accordion to research, nine out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random instruments. —@peachesanscream
Plans For Expansion
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
City Planner: No, this is just the mock-up. The actual town will be much bigger. —@theandrewnadeau
That Time of Year
Winter is just me asking my body, “Hey, are you sick?” and my body answering, “Maybe!” —@jpbrammer
Location, Location, Location
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective. —@Chicksrule
Now We’re Cooking
Wife [on the phone]: Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
Wife: What temperature did you set it to?
Wife: That’s the clock
Me: 535 —@Iwearaonesie
Chase Your Dreams
If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. —@Planet_Irony
Now That’s a Reveal
Me: My wife is having a baby.
Colleague: Oh my God, do you know what it is?
Me: It’s a person, but smaller. —@Keetpotato
We All Get Our 15 Minutes of Fame
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “one-hit wonder” came up with any other phrases. —@Humurous1liners
Those Were the Days
Would love for one second of my adult life to feel as amped as I did as a child knowing I had five bucks to spend at the Scholastic Book Fair. — @Kristen_arnett
The airport is a lawless place. Seven a.m.? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17. — @Alyssalimp
Hmm… Let Me Get Back to You on That
You never realize how boring you are until someone asks you what you do for fun. —@Thefunnyteeng
He’s Not Wrong
“It’s five o’clock somewhere,” I say as I leave work at 9 a.m. —@Michaelsmartguy
Time is Relative
If I tell you I’m five minutes away and you believe me, that is your own personal problem. —@Heysar4h
I hate when babies start acting like everything’s brand new. It’s me. I just saw you last week and we were best friends. Don’t do this to me.” —@Stfubryann
My aunt got a Google Home for Christmas and she already had an Amazon Alexa. Recently we were messing around with the new device and asked, “Okay, Google, what do you think of Alexa?”
It answered, “I like her blue light.” From across the room, Alexa turned on and said, “Thanks.”
I’m scared. —@Allisoncalhoun1
The police just came to my house. They explained to me that someone had sent them photos of my car. They were worried, as blond hair was sticking out the back. The policeman then asked me to open my trunk, so I did. Their grisly discovery? My clip-in weave. —@Megalexandrax
My co-worker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota in 1973. He didn’t try going back to it for 30 years, but when he finally did, the moment he stepped in someone yelled, “Get the hell out of here, Dennis.” That’s probably my favourite story ever. —@Bmangall20
These funny family stories will have you laughing out loud!
I used to know a girl called Paige Turner. I could read her like a book. —@MOSHK_88
Keep laughing with these funny examples of irony in real life.
My absolute No. 1 favourite phrase to overhear is: “Just between you and me…” —Raina Douris, radio host
Here are the things you should never say to a Canadian.
The Carpet Says…
I’m just sick of people walking all over me. —@chrisdowning
Funny and Freaky
If you need something to pass time on a plane, over the course of the flight, slowly and silently apply an entire face of clown makeup. —@bridger_w
Everyone, everyone, hold up. I have an idea. What if we all stand BACK from the luggage carousel and only step forward if you actually see your bag? —Andrew Chang, news anchor
These are the things you should never say to flight attendants.
Think About It
“But you said you were 10 minutes away.”
First of all, I didn’t say where I was 10 minutes away from. —@ImTheeBrock
Discover the strangest things mechanics have found in cars.
Sweet Dreams Get Crushed
I heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house and ran to see if he was okay. I discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appears visibly upset when it dissolves in the water. —@TheOutli3R
We dare you not to smile while looking at these adorable pictures of baby animals.
Don’t Try This at Home
I saw a sign that said “falling rocks,” so I tried and it doesn’t. —@ElleOhHell
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. But teach a man to fish and he’ll be like, “Um, actually, I know how to fish, I’ll show you.” And you’ll wish you had your old fish so you could throw it at him. —Aparna Nancherla, comedian
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau, they would win celebrity-couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.” —Bryan Donaldson, TV writer
We bet you didn’t know these historical figures were related!
To Seal One’s Wait
Do people who line up at the gate before their flight starts boarding also stand next to the toilet 20 minutes before they even have to pee? —@joshgondelman
My body: WHAT DO WE WANT?
My brain: SLEEP!
My body: WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
My brain: AT EITHER 2 p.m. OR 3 p.m. NO OTHER TIME.
My body: No, that’s not—
My brain: WE ARE UNWILLING TO COMPROMISE. —@keelyflaherty
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today and thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.” —@Tmoney68
Keep it Tidy
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than the other prisoners. —@mstern68
Whenever I watch Forensic Files and realize I’ve already seen the episode, I get so mad I could poison someone in small amounts every day for six months. —Jeremy Rowley, Comedian
Check out these true stories of the world’s dumbest criminals.
Know Your Rights
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested? —Evan Kessler, Comedian
Nature Works in Mysterious Ways
How is it that unicorns are fake but giraffes are real? Like, what’s more believable: a horse with a horn or a leopard-moose-camel with a 40-foot neck? —@_kylebrownlee
Sharing Is Caring
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
Is There a Cure For That?
I went to the doctor and he said, “You’ve got hypochondria.” I said, “Not that as well!” —Tim Vine, comedian
Check out our funniest doctor jokes of all time.
What are some cures for insomnia that do not involve drinking less caffeine and alcohol, or turning off your phone and computer, or getting exercise or meditating or reducing stress in any way? —Bess Kalb, TV Writer
Our editors have rounded up the funniest jokes in Reader’s Digest history.
What doesn’t kill you gives you a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humour. —@potsiegirlsarah
The Rest is Unwritten
Broken pencils are pointless. —@BreakingHunt
Every science nerd will appreciate these physics jokes.
Getting to the Root of the Problem
Me: This town ain’t big enough…
Gunslinger: Yeah, yeah, for the two of us.
Me: No, I mean in general. There isn’t enough infrastructure to support the population.
Gunslinger: You know what? You’re right.
[We begin urban planning.] —@ThugRaccoons
Me, in hell: I was told there would be a “special” place for me? —Alice Wetterlund, comedian
Do you often have trouble making it to the punchline? Check out these short jokes anyone can remember!
Search History: A Window to the Soul
My most recent Google searches are as follows:
“DIY wine opener”
“How to pour wine after breaking the cork”
“How to store wine without cork”
“How long is open wine good for”
“Why do dogs walk funny with shoes on” —@fratulez
These funny work cartoons will help you make it through the week.