40+ Hilarious Tweets That Are Guaranteed to Make You Grin

Eavesdropper

My absolute No. 1 favourite phrase to overhear is: “Just between you and me…” —Raina Douris, radio host

Here are the things you should never say to a Canadian.

The Carpet Says…

I’m just sick of people walking all over me. —@chrisdowning

Serial Stalker

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the thousands of pictures you have of them sleeping? —@laurajaylovette

Brighten your day with these funny animal pictures!

Exhausted Bunch

Q: Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
A: It had too many sleepless knights. —@Dadsaysjokes

Test your history chops with these hilarious history jokes.

Funny and Freaky

If you need something to pass time on a plane, over the course of the flight, slowly and silently apply an entire face of clown makeup. —@bridger_w

Winning Strategy

Everyone, everyone, hold up. I have an idea. What if we all stand BACK from the luggage carousel and only step forward if you actually see your bag? —Andrew Chang, news anchor

These are the things you should never say to flight attendants.

Think About It

“But you said you were 10 minutes away.”
First of all, I didn’t say where I was 10 minutes away from. —@ImTheeBrock

Discover the strangest things mechanics have found in cars.

Sweet Dreams Get Crushed

I heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house and ran to see if he was okay. I discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appears visibly upset when it dissolves in the water. —@TheOutli3R

We dare you not to smile while looking at these adorable pictures of baby animals.

Wrecking Ball

Just saw an article about an “easy at-home workout” you can do in your living room with a kettlebell, which sounds like a fun way to break everything in my apartment. —Raina Douris, radio host

Don’t Try This at Home

I saw a sign that said “falling rocks,” so I tried and it doesn’t. —@ElleOhHell

Dad Joke

Friend: Okay, when does a joke become a dad joke?
Me, with no hesitation: When it becomes apparent. —@taddmike

Here are more bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at.

Theory of Evolution

Personally I think giraffes grew those necks because they really wanted to be alone. —Sandra Newman, author

Know-it-All

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. But teach a man to fish and he’ll be like, “Um, actually, I know how to fish, I’ll show you.” And you’ll wish you had your old fish so you could throw it at him. —Aparna Nancherla, comedian

Dream Team

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau, they would win celebrity-couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.” —Bryan Donaldson, TV writer

We bet you didn’t know these historical figures were related!

A Perfect Hybrid

If I had to come up with a slogan for raccoons it’d definitely be, “Dogs and hands, together at last.” —Merritt K., podcaster

Fruits of My Labour

Firemen keep harvesting my cat tree. —@zoebread

See the cutest cat breeds as kittens!

Talking ’Bout Your Generation

Millennials. Walking around like they rent the place. —@SpenceDen

Learn why millennials are the happiest generation ever.

Sorry, Couldn’t Hear You

Store clerk: Ma’am, you’re not allowed to try out the earplugs before you buy them.
Me: What? —@ElleOhHell

Musical Number

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows? —@donni

Don’t miss these facts behind the greatest songs of all time.

Well, This Is Awkward

Me: *Struggling to think of things to talk about.* “So, what do you do for a living?”
Barber: *Slowly stops cutting my hair.* —@KeetPotato

A Bit Too Clever

Someone came into the library where I work and asked me if we had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat. I said it rang a bell but I wasn’t sure if it was there or not. —@localnotail

Learn about the most famous first pets to live in the White House.

To Seal One’s Wait

Do people who line up at the gate before their flight starts boarding also stand next to the toilet 20 minutes before they even have to pee? —@joshgondelman

Power Naps

My body: WHAT DO WE WANT?
My brain: SLEEP!
My body: WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
My brain: AT EITHER 2 p.m. OR 3 p.m. NO OTHER TIME.
My body: No, that’s not—
My brain: WE ARE UNWILLING TO COMPROMISE. —@keelyflaherty

I Make My Own Rules

Proud to announce my dream of becoming a criminal lawyer is halfway complete! Just working on the lawyer part now. —@sabrinahamiddd

We’ve rounded up the funniest lawyer jokes ever.

Crucial Details

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter… it’s the thought that counts. —@C00LpenNAME

Check out these LOL-worthy wedding jokes about marriage!

Undercover

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today and thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.” —@Tmoney68

Keep it Tidy

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than the other prisoners. —@mstern68

Forensic Files

Whenever I watch Forensic Files and realize I’ve already seen the episode, I get so mad I could poison someone in small amounts every day for six months. —Jeremy Rowley, Comedian

Check out these true stories of the world’s dumbest criminals.

Know Your Rights

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested? —Evan Kessler, Comedian

Mystery Guest

If you pay me $50, I’ll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so people think you died with a dark and interesting secret. —Dana Schwartz, Writer

Nature Works in Mysterious Ways

How is it that unicorns are fake but giraffes are real? Like, what’s more believable: a horse with a horn or a leopard-moose-camel with a 40-foot neck? —@_kylebrownlee

Sharing Is Caring

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure.” —@SkinnerSteven

Important Parenting Advice

Don’t name your baby James. Name him Jame. He is one Jame. —@ohheyohhihello

These relatable parenting tweets will make you laugh out loud.

Is There a Cure For That?

I went to the doctor and he said, “You’ve got hypochondria.” I said, “Not that as well!” —Tim Vine, comedian

Tips, Please

What are some cures for insomnia that do not involve drinking less caffeine and alcohol, or turning off your phone and computer, or getting exercise or meditating or reducing stress in any way? —Bess Kalb, TV Writer

Our editors have rounded up the funniest jokes in Reader’s Digest history.

Survival Skills

What doesn’t kill you gives you a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humour. —@potsiegirlsarah

Psst—if you laugh at these dark jokes, you’re probably a genius!

A Real Labyrinth

IKEA is just an escape room you don’t have to pay to enter. —@_caroline__28

Here’s the real reason why IKEA products have such weird names.

The Rest is Unwritten

Broken pencils are pointless. —@BreakingHunt

Every science nerd will appreciate these physics jokes.

Questionable Trends

You either die a hero or live long enough to see wide-legged jeans come back into style multiple times. —Adam Sternbergh, writer

Getting to the Root of the Problem

Me: This town ain’t big enough…
Gunslinger: Yeah, yeah, for the two of us.
Me: No, I mean in general. There isn’t enough infrastructure to support the population.
Gunslinger: You know what? You’re right.
[We begin urban planning.] —@ThugRaccoons

But Where?

Me, in hell: I was told there would be a “special” place for me? —Alice Wetterlund, comedian

Search History: A Window to the Soul

My most recent Google searches are as follows:
“DIY wine opener”
“How to pour wine after breaking the cork”
“How to store wine without cork”
“How long is open wine good for”
“Why do dogs walk funny with shoes on” —@fratulez

Kitty’s Got Claws

Dressed the neighbour’s cat in a superhero costume so that when it went home they’d wonder, “Is my cat fighting crime?” —@AimeeHelene1

Next, check out these hunger-inducing tweets about food!