150 Funniest Reader’s Digest Jokes of All Time
Let the arguments begin! Our editors says that these gags make them laugh every single time. See if you agree.
1. Hunting gone wrong
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
(This joke was voted funniest joke of all time in a 2002 online poll!)
2. A turtle and the snails
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
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3. What religion are bears?
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
(This joke was voted the funniest gag in a 2010 Reader’s Digest joke contest.)
4. Mystery of gas station bathrooms
“Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?” – George Carlin
5. Talking dog for sale
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
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6. Playing with fate
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.
“That’s true,” says God.
“So what happened?” she asks.
God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”
7. Living comfortably
A car hit an elderly man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?”
The man says, “I make a good living.”
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8. Panicking poodle
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
9. Facings the consequences
A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”
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10. Permanent insult
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin
11. Stereotypes in real life
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
“You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
12. Saving a Christian
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”
He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
He said, “Yes.”
I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”
He said, “A Christian.”
I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?”
He said, “Protestant.”
I said, “Me, too! What franchise?”
He said, “Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”
I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
Written and performed by comedian Emo Philips
13. Where’s the bathroom again?
The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
14. Soup or sex?
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
15. Revolving door
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.” – Steven Wright
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16. A great fitting suit
The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.
“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”
“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.
“No problem,” the sales clerk answered. “Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That’s why this suit is only $30.”
Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit’s left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. “Good heavens,” the first doctor said to the second, “look at that poor crippled fellow.”
“Yeah,” answered the second doctor. “But doesn’t that suit fit great?”
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, “You make a good point, my son.”
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
“We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!”
“Father!” cries the young monk. “What’s wrong?”
The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, “The word is celebrate!”
18. Seeing-eye dogs
Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a bar. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.”
The second guy says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”
First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.”
He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer says, “Ok then, come on in.”
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. The bouncer says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.”
He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer responds, “You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?”
The second guy exclaims, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”
19. Who’s side are you on?
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!” – Rodney Dangerfield
20. Messy drinker
A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
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21. Bigger in Texas
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”
The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
22. Moving stairs
“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.” – Mitch Hedberg
23. Let the job hunt begin
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” –Phyllis Diller
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24. Ocean full of beer
Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!” The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into brew.
The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says, “Nice going! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”
25. Brown bears vs. grizzly bears
A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.”
“So how do we know if they’re grizzly bear droppings?” asks one of the ramblers.
“It’s easy,” replies the ranger. “They’re full of small bells.”
26. God in a parking lot
A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, I found one!”
28. Hit it on the head
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
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29. A pessimist and an optimist
There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist.
First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room filled with toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. “What’s the matter?” the psychiatrist asked. “Don’t you want to play with any of the toys?”
“Yes,” the little boy bawled, “but if I did I’d only break them.”
Next, the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist climbed to the top of the pile, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands.
“What are you doing?” the baffled psychiatrist asked.
The little boy replied, “With all this manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!”
(This was reportedly President Ronald Reagan’s favourite joke.)
30. Ten seconds
Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.”
Patient: “What do you mean, 10? Ten what? Months? Weeks?!”
31. A Russian goes to Ukraine
As a Russian prepares to cross the Ukrainian border, the border guard asks, “Occupation?”
“No,” says the Russian. “Just visiting.”
32. Car check
Two men were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car’s indicators are working.
He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: “Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”
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33. Secret agent Murphy
A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.
“Hello,” said the agent, “I’m looking for a man called Murphy.”
“Well you’re in luck,” said the farmer. “As it happens, there’s a village right over the hill where a butcher is called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, and three widows are called Murphy. In fact, my name is Murphy.”
“Aha,” thought the agent, “here’s my man.” So he whispered the secret code: “The sun is shining … the grass is growing … the cows are ready for milking.”
“Oh,” said the farmer, “you’re looking for Murphy the spy. He’s in the village over the other direction.”
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34. A family affair
A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What’s up?” he says.
“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
“What are you doing!” says the husband. “My wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”
35. Different meanings
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.” — Demetri Martin
36. Follow the light
A guy walks into a dentist’s office and says, “I think I’m a moth.”
The dentist replies, “You shouldn’t be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist…”
The guys replies, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.”
The dentist says, “Well then what are you doing here?”
And the guy says, “Your light was on.”
37. Three huts on a desert island
A man was stranded on a desert island for 20 years when a navy ship finally spots him. The captain comes ashore and notices three huts. “What are they used for?” the captain asks.
“Well, the hut one on the left is where I live,” says the man. “and the one on the right is where I go to church.”
“So what about that hut in the middle?”
The man sneers, “That’s the church I used to attend!”
38. Chicken’s for dinner
“Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing.”
“There’s a simple test you can run to see how bad the problem is: Start out 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone say something and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
That evening, the man’s wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he’s in the living room. In a normal tone, he asks, “Honey, what’s for supper?”
So he moves to the other end of the room and repeats, “Honey, what’s for supper?” Still no response. Next, he moves into the dining room. “Honey, what’s for supper?” No response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. “Honey, what’s for supper?” Again, there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for supper?”
“For the fifth time, Harry, CHICKEN!”
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39. Drunk Superman
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.
“Magic beer,” he says.
“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”
Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.
“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof—and plummets 15 stories to the ground.
The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
40. Always complaining
Every 10 years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”
Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.”
It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”
“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”
41. Misfortunate pirate
Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?”
Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”
“And yer hand?” asks Morty.
“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”
“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”
“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”
“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”
“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”
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42. Rude pancakes
A mother asks her young sons what they want for breakfast. The first little boy says, “I’ll have some @#$%^& pancakes.”
The mother angrily sends him to his room for cursing. She glares at the other little boy and asks, “What do you want for breakfast?!”
The second boy says, “Well, I sure don’t want the @#$%^& pancakes!”
43. A Jew goes to confession
An old man goes to confession. He tells the priest that on Friday night, he’d been in the bar when he met a young woman. “Maybe 22,” he says. “A gorgeous blonde. I started lusting, Father.”
“Yes,” says the priest, “Lust is a dangerous sin.”
“There’s more,” says the man. “We went back to her place and made passionate love for hours.”
The priest pauses. “And how long has it been since your last confession?”
“I’ve never come. This is my first.”
“How is this your first confession?”
“Then… why are you telling me all this?”
“Telling you? I’m telling everyone!”
44. An interesting game
“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting.’ So we stopped playing chess.”—Matt Kirshen
45. Barrel of beer
A man comes to Mrs. Smith’s door and says, “There’s been an accident at the brewery. Your husband fell into a vat of beer and drowned.”
Mrs. Smith wails, “Oh, the poor man! He never had a chance!”
The man says, “I don’t know about that. He got out three times to go to the bathroom.”
46. Never give up
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” — Henry Youngman
47. Fishing rink
A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. “There are no fish under the ice!” He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: “There are no fish under the ice!”
He nervously looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?”
“No, this is the rink manager!”
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48. God’s miracle
A priest is driving along a country road when a trooper pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: “Have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The cop replies: “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says: “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
49. Army vs. Navy
“When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.” — Dick Gregory
50. The lie detector
Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.
The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”
Son: “OK, OK, I was at the movies.”
Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”
Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“
Mother laughs: “Ha! He really is your son!”
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51. What’s the oddest thing that happens with a hypochondriac support group?
Members call in sick, but they all show up for the meeting. Submitted by Wendy Davis
52. My mother asked me to hand out invitations to my brother’s surprise party. That’s when I realized he was her favourite twin. Submitted by Terry Sangster
53. A hobo knocks on the door of the St. George and the Dragon Inn. The landlady answers. “Could you give a poor man something to eat?” asks the hobo.
“No!” yells the woman, slamming the door in his face.
A few minutes later, the hobo knocks again. “Now what do you want?” the woman asks.
“Could I have a few words with George?” Submitted by David Miteff
54. An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. “Mr. Peterson,” she begins, “would you say you’re honest?”
“Honest?” replies the lawyer. “Let me tell you something about honesty: My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case.
“Impressive,” says the banker. “And what sort of case was that?”
“My father sued me for the money.” Submitted by Dee Hudson
55. A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
“My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee.”
“I know,” says the second dog owner.
“How do you know?”
“My dog told me.” Submitted by Sourabh Bhatia
56. A man with a huge grin approaches a priest.
“Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says. “I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”
“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”
“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”
“No, but it’ll wipe that stupid smile off your face.” Submitted by Edward F. Castellanos
57. I was driving when I first saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasn’t. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. But again the camera flashed. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snail’s pace. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt. Submitted by Adam J. Smargon
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58. When do cows go to sleep?
When it’s pasture bedtime. Submitted by Hoss Alfred
59. After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.
“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded.
“What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re it!”
That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest.
“What are you doing?”
“Counting your ribs.” Submitted by William Halliday
60. “What does the word ‘contemplate’ mean?” the college student asked his English professor.
“Think about it,” the professor answered.
“Ugh!” the student groaned. “Can’t you just tell me?” Submitted by Dana Thayer
61. A man is on trial for armed robbery. The jury comes back with the verdict. The foreman stands, clear his throat and announces, “Not guilty.”
The defendant leaps to his feet. “Awesome!” he shouts. “Does that mean I get to keep the money?” Submitted by Lawrence Adelson
62. Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls of his bar stool and lies motionless on the floor.
“One thing about Fred,” his buddy says to the bartender. “He knows when to stop.” Submitted by Ken Zavislik
63. The manager of a jewellery store nabs a shoplifter trying to steal a necklace. “Listen,” the crook says, “you don’t want any trouble, and neither do I. What do you say I just buy the necklace and we forget this ever happened?”
The manager agrees and writes up a sales slip.
“You know,” says the crook, “this is more than I wanted to spend. Got anything less expensive?” Submitted by Rosemary Covert
64. Snake 1: Are we poisonous?
Snake 2: I don’t know. Why?
Snake 1: I just bit my lip. Submitted by Faith Lackey
65. Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
A: Breathe! Breathe! Submitted by Paul Lewis
66. “I think my goldfish has seizures,” a man tells the veterinarian.
“He seems fine now,” says the vet.
“Now, sure. But wait till I take him out of the bowl.” Submitted by Nancy Send
67. An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. But two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt.
“What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks.
“Here, boy,” he replies. Submitted by Denise Stewart
68. Q: You’re riding a horse at full speed. You’re being chased by a lion and there’s a giraffe in the way in front of you. How will you escape this highly dangerous situation?
A: Get off the carousel. Submitted by Stephanie Finlayson
69. A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch.
“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise.”
“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?”
“Thirty-six.” Submitted by Melissa Steginus
70. The other day I was thinking, “I must be the most unobservant person in the world.” Then I thought, “Well, maybe other people are equally unobservant and I just haven’t noticed before.” Submitted by D. Norris
71. I love that TV show with all the different video clips of things going disastrously wrong. What’s it called? Oh yes—the news. Submitted by Max Cooper
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72. A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you…” Submitted by Christine Schrum
73. After a husband and wife have a heated argument, the wife calls her mother. “He fought with me again! I’m coming over to live with you.”
To which her mother replies, “No, no, darling. He must pay for his mistake. I’m coming to live with you.” Submitted by Joan Vercueil
74. A couple of cockroaches are munching on the contents of a garbage can in a deserted alley. “Have you popped into that new coffee shop across the street yet?” asks one. “The floors are so shiny you can see your antennae in them. The walls are so clean you can’t run up them. The air is so fresh it smells like flowers.”
“Stop!” cries the second cockroach. “Please, not while I’m eating.” Submitted by Shirleen Slabber
75. I got an A on my very first university English paper. While the professor was impressed with my work, she said she had deducted a few marks for a spelling error. After several readings, I couldn’t find my mistake. Preparing to challenge the prof, I stood up and stopped flipping through my assignment. There, on the front cover, was a red circle around my misspelled name. Submitted by Lucinda Rajaselvan
76. The police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing over a lifeless man, holding a bent and twisted five-iron. The detective asks, “Is that your husband?”
“Yes,” replies the woman.
“Did you hit him with the golf club?”
“Yes, I did,” sobs the woman.
“How many times did you hit him?” asks the detective.
“I don’t know,” she replies. “Five, six, maybe seven times. Oh look, just put me down for five.” Submitted by Kerrie Pont
77. The prosecutor was relentless as he badgered the witness:
“What did the accused do when he learned the jewellery was stolen?”
“He did what any honest man would do,” said the witness.
“And what was that?”
“It’s just as I thought—you don’t know.” Submitted by Gene Newman
78. Jim was invited to Buckingham Palace. He wasn’t familiar with royal etiquette, so he decided to simply follow the Queen’s lead and hope for the best. When tea was served, the Queen removed her cup from her saucer. Jim nervously mimicked her. She poured some milk into the saucer and Jim did likewise. When she put the saucer on the floor, he was surprised. Then she called, “Here, kitty…” Submitted by Khalid Khan
79. Q: How many college students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but he waits until the last minute to cram it in. Submitted by Greg Madden
80. A husband texts his wife on a frosty winter morning:
His wife texts back, “Pour lukewarm water over it.”
Five minutes later he replies: “Computer completely messed up now.” Submitted by Catherine Hiscox
81. When a daydreaming taxi driver accidentally drove past his destination, his passenger gently tapped him on the shoulder from the back seat.
Startled, the driver went through a red light and almost hit a bus before he pulled over. As he tried to catch his breath, the passenger said, “I’m sorry I gave you a jolt—it was my fault.”
“No, it was mine,” the driver said. “This is my first day driving a cab. For the past 25 years, I drove a hearse.” Submitted by Janeth Murphy
82. Recently, a man walked into my barbershop and asked how much for a haircut.
“Eight dollars,” I answered.
“And for a shave?”
“All right,” he said, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.” Submitted by Abdulmajeed Mamudu
83. Two criminals are taking a walk deep in the woods one dark night.
“Boy, it sure is creepy out here,” says the first outlaw.
“How do you think I feel?” asks his companion. “I have to walk back alone.” Submitted by Harry Klein
84. A distraught senior citizen dialed her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so,” said the doctor.
There was a moment of silence before the woman replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked ‘No Refills.’” Submitted by Roy Warner
85. An elderly gentleman walked into an upscale cocktail lounge. Well-dressed, with a flower pinned to his lapel, he cut a suave figure. Seated at the bar was a fine-looking lady of a certain age. The gentleman walked over, sat beside her, ordered a drink, then turned to her to ask, “Tell me, good-looking, do I come here often?” Submitted by Bill Warren
Relive the history of the world in 27 dumb jokes.
86. A zookeeper spotted a visitor throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit…
“Why are you doing that?” asked the keeper.
“The sign says it’s okay,” replied the visitor.
“No, it doesn’t.”
“Yes, it does. It says, ‘Do not feed. $10 fine.’” Submitted by John Langley
87. One night, while we were out for supper at a Mediterranean restaurant, my sister-in-law had a question about one of the appetizers. When the server showed up to take our order, she asked, “Where do you get your mussels?”
The young waitress blushed, looked sheepishly at her biceps and quietly answered, “Cross-training?” Submitted by Dan Grabke
88. Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she phones him, furious.
“What are you complaining about?” he fires back. “You still haven’t used the present I gave you last year.” Submitted by L.B. Weinstein
89. Late one evening, Norm’s doorbell rang. When he answered the door, he found a six-foot-tall cockroach standing in front of him. The bug grabbed Norm by the collar, punched him in the eye, threw him across the living room and then ran off.
The next day, Norm went to see his doctor to have his bruised eye examined. “Ah, yes,” the doctor said when Norm explained what had happened to him. “There’s a nasty bug going around.” Submitted by D.G.
90. The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder.
“Well,” said her husband to the shaken pastor when all the commotion ending, “she’s there.” Submitted by Norm Schmitz
91. One friend complains to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.”
“If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asks the other friend.
“I’d like to lose another 15 pounds first.” Submitted by Mary Buoye
92. Walking along the beach, a man finds a bottle. He rubs it and instantly, a genie appears.
“I’ll grant you three wishes,” the genie says. “There’s just one condition. I’m a lawyer’s genie, so for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the same thing, only double.”
After thinking a moment, the man says, “For my first wish, I would
like $10 million.”
“Lawyers will get $20 million,” the genie reminds him.
“What else do you want?”
“I’d love to have a red Porsche,” he says. Instantly, the car appears on the beach.
“What’s your last wish?”
“Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.” Submitted by Robert L. Jaffee
Discover the fascinating origins of seven classic jokes.
93. I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween…
Now he won’t come when I call him. Submitted by Reid Faylor
94. Growing up with a curious younger brother and a sharp-eared dad led to some memorable conversations as a teenager. One afternoon, I decided to clean a purse of mine by throwing it into the washing machine—spring cleaning and all that.
“Why are you washing it?” my brother asked, perplexed.
“From the next room over, my dad yelled, “She’s money laundering!” Submitted by Shinae Hartley
95. A farmer sees a chicken strutting across a rural highway. He shouts to her, “Hey, why are you crossing the road?”
The chicken replies, “To change the light bulb in the henhouse.”
“Can you change it by yourself, or will you need help? In other words, how many chicken does it take to change a light bulb?”
Says the chicken, “Sorry, but that’s the subject of another joke.” Submitted by Gary Johnston
96. While cleaning out the garage, I found an old protest sign that read, “DISARM TODAY!”
On the other side, it said, “DAT ARM TOMORROW.” Submitted by Jim Vandermaas
97. You know, people don’t usually compliment me on my driving, so I was very pleased this morning when I saw a note on my car that said, “Parking fine.” That was very nice of them! Submitted by Isaac Sargent
98. I was staying in a hotel where the towels were so thick that I could hardly close my suitcase. Submitted by Adam J. Smargon
99. While going through his deceased father’s things, a man found a 25-year-old claim stub for a shoe repair. Curious, he went to the store and handed the ticket to the owner, who headed to the back of the store before reappearing.
“Good news,” he said. “I found them. They’ll be ready next Friday.” Submitted by Ronald Moore
100. What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
Cookie sheets. Submitted by Timothy Manganaro
101. A Dubliner proposes to his girlfriend on St. Patrick’s Day and gives her a ring with a synthetic diamond.
“You cheap bum!” she yells. “This isn’t even real.”
“I know,” he says. “But in honour of Saint Patrick, I thought I’d buy you a sham-rock.” Anonymous
102. A stranger enters a store and spots a sign: DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep on the floor.
“Is that the dog we’re supposed to be aware of?” he asks the owner.
“That’s him,” comes the reply.
“He doesn’t look at all dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?”
“Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.” Submitted by L.B. Weinstein
103. I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween. He bit himself. Submitted by Christina Melton
104. I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way? Submitted by Adam J. Smargon
105. Did you hear about the identical twins who robbed a bank? After they were caught, they finished each other’s sentences. Submitted by Janet Winkler
106. A businessman flying first class is sitting next to a parrot. The plane takes off and the parrot orders a Glenlivet, neat. The businessman asks for a Coke. After a few minutes, the bird yells, “Where’s my scotch? Give me my scotch!” The flight attendant rushes over with their drinks.
Later, they order an other round. Again, the bird gives the crew grief for being slow and the businessman joins in, “Yeah, the service stinks!”
Just then, the flight attendant grabs the pair, opens the hatch and throws them out of the plane. As they hurtle towards the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, “Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings.” Anonymous
107. My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment. Submitted by D.T.
108. A month after Donald MacDonald started at Harvard, his mother called from Scotland. “And how are the American students, Donald?” she asked.
“They’re so noisy,” he complained. “One neighbour endlessly bangs his head against the wall, while another screams all night.”
“How do you put up with it?”
“I just ignore them and play my bagpipes.” Submitted by Marilyn Adkins
109. Sarah, the self-appointed arbiter of the town’s morals, stuck her nose into everyone’s business. She made a mistake, however, when she accused her neighbour George of being an alcoholic after spotting his pickup parked in front of a bar one afternoon.
“George, everyone who sees it there will know what you’re doing,” she told him in front of their church group.
George ignored her and walked away. Later that evening, he parked his pickup in front of Sarah’s house and left it there all night. Submitted by Chuck Welch
110. Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.
“What’s that big brass gong for?” asked the friend.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? How’s it work?”
“Watch,” said the drunk. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “Hey, you jerk! It’s three in the morning!” Anonymous
111. Fortune tellers are so easy to buy clothes for—they’re all mediums. Submitted by Fred Meckley
112. A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him.
“How are you feeling?” she asks.
“I’m okay,” he says, “but I didn’t like the four-letter word the doctor used during surgery.”
“What did he say?” the nurse asks.
“Oops.” Submitted by Robert Rea
113. Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out.
“Want to grab a drink?” he asks the centipede, but there’s no answer from the box.
A few minutes later, he asks again—still no reply. Finally, he hollers, “Hey! Do you want to get a drink?”
“I heard you the first time!” says a small, irritated voice. “I’m putting on my shoes!” Anonymous
114. I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday.
I’ll tell you what—never again. Submitted by Tim Vine
115. Q: What do you call twin police officers?
A: Copies. Submitted by Tyler Meason
116. The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.
“How did you do it?” he asked.
“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she explained. “You were looking for a piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.” Anonymous
117. A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. “What are you?” asks the cat.
“A gnome,” comes the reply. “I steal food from humans. I kill their plants and I love mischief. And what, may I ask, are you?”
The cat replies, “Um, I’m a gnome.” Submitted by Blake Kiltoff
118. What is my relationship deal breaker? Being broken up with. Submitted by Jennifer Estlin
119. Moved by the church service, the richest man in town stood up and addressed the congregation. “I remember the day I earned my first dollar,” he said.
“That night I went to a church meeting and the speaker told us about his humanitarian work. I had only that single dollar, and I had to make a decision: Give it to his worthy cause or keep it. So I gave him all the money I had. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a millionaire today.”
As he sat down, a woman shouted, “I dare you to do it again.” Submitted by Debra Miteff
120. A job applicant was asked, “What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?”
“Well,” he began, “my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality—telling what’s real from what’s not.”
“Okay,” said the interviewer. “And what about your strengths?”
“I’m Batman.” Anonymous
121. Do you ever just lie on the ground and look up at the stars…
After security tackles you on the red carpet? Submitted by Ryan George
122. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Submitted by Robert Gallagher
123. I was at a Canadian Tire, chatting with the young woman at the till.
“You haven’t been here a while, haven’t you?” I asked.
“No,” she said. “That’s my twin sister. She’s been here six months. I started a couple of weeks ago.”
“Really?” I said. “Well, if they liked having one of you, they must be even happier now.”
“Actually,” she replied, “the manager was telling my sister that she was such a good worker that he wished he could clone her. So she brought me in the next day, took me to the manager and said, ‘Okay, here you go!’” Submitted by Andy Fielding
124. I was skyping with my three-year-old grandson when he suddenly announced, “You can come out of the computer now, Grandma!” Submitted by June Pearson
125. I was driving my three-year-old granddaughter, Nevaeh, to daycare one morning after a heavy snowfall. I said to her, “Everything is so so white Grandma doesn’t even know where the road is.” She innocently replied, “Grandma, it’s under the snow.” Submitted by Bonnie Gronning
126. There is a lot of competition for parking at the local dental office, hence the sign: “Dental office parking only. Violators will be extracted.” Submitted by Helen McNair
127. My father-in-law, Paul, lives on a farm near Wynyard, Sask. Years back, a group of hunters from the United States came up to shoot some birds. During their visit, they noticed a flatbed of manure nearby. One turned to my father and said, “Do y’all put manure on your strawberries?” My dad smiled, then responded, “I don’t know how you do things where you come from, but up here we put sugar and cream on our berries.” Submitted by Stacey Hebert
128. I was out walking with my daughters one evening…
When, suddenly, my two-year-old looked up and asked, “Who folded the moon?” Submitted by Julianna Waldner
129. A friend and I were enjoying a coffee in our local haunt when an acquaintance stopped at our table and said, “Hi, Ken. Can I join you?”
“Why, am I falling apart?” I replied. Submitted by Ken MacKay
130. Green beans are the most Zen of all the vegetables because they’ve found their inner peas. Submitted by Andre Batista
131. After working late one evening, I stopped at the drive-through on my way home. I approached the speaker and placed my order: a Big Mac, large fries and a chocolate shake.
The person on the other side of the intercom replied, “Pardon me?” so I repeated myself.
Then they responded, confused, “Excuse me, ma’am, but you’re at Tim Hortons.” Submitted by Wendy Singedonk
132. Young children have a unique superpower: place a toddler in a queen-sized bed and they will find a sleeping position that ensures no one else can fit in there with them. Submitted by Rita Hickey
133. A little boy was sitting beside me in the hospital waiting room. He looked at all the rings on my fingers, then exclaimed, “You must have had a lot of husbands!” Submitted by Esther Dawson
134. Me: I brought some books for us to read.
Four-year-old boy I babysit: *suspicious*
Me: *Lays out books*
Four-year-old: Well, this is disappointing. Submitted by Chelsea Larson
Choose from these LOL-worthy jokes about marriage.
135. The anti-aging ad that I’d like to see…
Is a baby covered in cream, saying, “Ah! I’ve used too much!” Submitted by Andrew Bird
136. I was mugged twice last year. The odds of getting mugged once are 1 in 50. The odds of getting mugged twice are 1 in 2,500. The odds that I got mugged twice last year because I look like the kind of guy that would calculate those odds? One in 1. Submitted by Dan Upham
137. A friend who had just turned 50, and couldn’t quite deal with that fact, was wearing a T-shirt that said, “I’m not 50! I’m 49.95.”
When my nine-year-old son, Simon, saw the T-shirt, he asked, “Yes, but how much with tax?” Submitted by Gilles St-Laurent
138. I have always been a disappointment. When I was five years old, I looked down at the crayons I was colouring with and sighed: When I was two, this was not what I saw myself doing at five. Submitted by Eric Lyden
139. I went to the butcher’s the other day and bet him $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. “No,” he responded. “The steaks are too high.” Submitted by Tommy Cooper
140. As an assisted-living caregiver, I have a 92-year-old client, Margaret, with whom I bake cookies. During one visit, we were both busy with this task when the phone rang. Since Margaret was gone several minutes, she felt the need to explain her absence to me: “My friend and I aren’t able to spend much time together anymore because she is more decapitated than I am.” Submitted by Vicki Alum
141. At a job review, my boss told me this year the company would compensate for inflation but that additional raises would be considered on a case-by-case basis. I took that as my cue to outline my expanded role, and listed my actions and achievements.
“So, as you can see,” I said, “I’m doing a lot more than inflating at my desk.”
I got the raise. Submitted by Joni Krats
142. Working in a library, one of the tasks we have to do twice a week is call patrons about their overdue items. One day I had to call someone about a late book entitled Don’t Forget: Easy Exercises for a Better Memory. Submitted by Joyce Tenhage
These corny Star Wars jokes are funny for every occasion.
143. My parents sent me to school in Switzerland
There they taught me how to be neutral. Submitted by Craig Sharf
144. The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you’re not in shape for it, it’s too far to walk back. Submitted by Franklin P. Jones
145. One day my two children, 17-year-old Matt and 11-year-old Mitch, were having an argument. I listened in and overheard Mitch say to Matt, “Even if you were an only child, you still wouldn’t be Mom and Dad’s favourite.” Submitted by Denise Horn
146. While working the beverage cart at the local golf course, a customer asked me if I could go back to the previous green to see if she had left her sandwich there. I had spent some time looking for a sandwich on the grass, when a golfer asked me if someone had lost a sand wedge. Submitted by C.A. Tomac
147. Grown-up Crayon Colours
• New Flat-Panel Television Pitch
• Turn-Signal Vermilion
• Credit-Card Magnetic-Strip Coal
• Netflix-Envelope Scarlet
• Cubicle Ecru
• Unraked-Leaves Sienna
• Energy-Efficient Fluorescent-Bulb Quartz
• Blue-Screen-of-Death Cobalt. Submitted by Casey Johnston
148. One day, when it was raining heavily, my boss asked me to water the plants outside the office.
I looked at him, puzzled, and said, “But, sir, it’s raining!” He replied, “Then take an umbrella and water the plants.” Submitted by Nilesh Patel
149. At the local hospital’s emergency room, the nurse joked, as she fitted me with an ID wristband, “You’ve been bar-coded!”
I, being 72, added, “Long past the best-before date.” Submitted by Colin Campbell
150. English is not my mother’s first language, so it is always interesting to see what comes up in her emails.
One day, as we were discussing computers and the amazing things they can do, she inadvertently typed a pun: “What techknowledgy!” Submitted by Esther Jones
These funny work cartoons will get your through the week.