200 Best Reader’s Digest Jokes of All Time
Our editors say these classic Reader's Digest jokes make them laugh every single time. See if you agree.
This was voted one of the best jokes of all time in a 2002 online poll:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
This was voted one of the best jokes of all time in a 2010 Reader’s Digest jokes contest:
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Witty little knitter
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the highway. Looking at the car, he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting.
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, “Pull over!”
“No!” the woman yelled back, “Cardigan!” – Reddit.com
I quit my job working for Nike. I just couldn’t do it anymore. – Reddit.com
These funny work cartoons were made for sharing at the office.
Sad after the funeral of a friend, my wife and I ducked into a Chinese restaurant for a pick-me-up. The feel-good session ended when I read the fortune cookie: “You will soon be reunited with a good friend.” – Stanley Heerboth
“My wife does this cute thing now and then where she goes out shopping for next year’s yard sale items.” – @cravin4
These hilarious jokes about marriage will crack you up.
Everything must go
“Anyone want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.” – @johnlyontweets
I tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find. – Reddit.com
In bad taste
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are gross!”
I said, “People who sell veggies are grocer.” – Adele Cliff, comedian
Welcome to La La Land
A Hollywood producer calls his friend, another Hollywood producer, on the phone.
“Hey, how are you doing?” he asks.
“Well!” responds the friend. “I just sold a screenplay for $200,000. I also wrote a novel and got a $50,000 advance from the publisher. I have a new TV series airing next week, and everyone says it’s going to be a hit. I’m doing great! How are you?”
“OK,” says the first producer. “I’ll call you back when you’re alone.” – Jim Pietsch in The New York City Cab Driver’s Joke Book
Bang for your buck
“If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die.” – @hodgesboi15
With age comes wisdom
“Have children while your parents are young enough to take care of them.” – Rita Rudner
A mom texts, “Hi! Son, what do IDK, LY and TTYL mean?” He texts back, “I don’t know, love you and talk to you later.” The mom replies, “It’s OK, don’t worry about it. I’ll ask your sister. Love you too.” – Laughfactory.com
“My sunglasses are prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two people who can’t see.” – @kimtopher22
What happens when you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN? They get really upset. – @dadsaysjokes
Complete and utter nunsense
“If I were Maria in The Sound of Music and I heard them sing ‘How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria’ at my wedding, I would be like, ‘Why are you singing that mean song about me, and why do all of you know it?'” – @brotigupta
Long time coming
“Under quarantine, marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law. It took half a century, but hippies finally won.” – Ruth Buzzi, actor
“Interesting fact: a shark will only attack you if you’re wet.” – Sean Lock, comedian
That’s a bit dated
“Two guys stole a calendar. They got six months each.” – Alex Del Bene
Don’t miss these wild tales of the world’s dumbest criminals.
Talking dog for sale
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
That’ll come back to haunt you
I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request. The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”
“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.” – Jeannie Gibbs
You don’t know me
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I liked a show just because I watched 13 hours of it. – Tig Notaro, comedian
Check out the funniest comedies on Netflix Canada right now.
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.
“That’s true,” says God.
“So what happened?” she asks.
God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”
You were warned
“Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach, and now I’m the proud owner of aisle seven.” – @domesticgoddss
“My favourite part of watching Jeopardy! is saying “I should be on Jeopardy!” every time I answer a $200 clue that happens to be about one of my three interests.” – Laura Peek, comedian
Don’t miss this roundup of Alex Trebek’s most memorable Jeopardy! moments.
A car hit an elderly man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?”
The man says, “I make a good living.”
Don’t miss these physics jokes that every science nerd will love.
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
Know your customer
“Two salespeople approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me “miss.” The “Hello, ma’am” one should take note.” – @anniemumary
Catching the late bus
I usually work the evening shift, finishing close to 11:30 p.m. I normally have to run to catch the 11:30 bus. Last New Year’s Eve, I finished work and raced to catch the bus, but by 12:10 it still hadn’t come, so I figured I’d likely missed it.
I turned to a man who had been waiting alongside me the whole time and said, “Sir, how long have you been waiting?”
He looked at his watch and said, “Since last year.” – Misir Doobay, Toronto
Check out 30 New Year’s jokes that will have you laughing out loud.
Facing the consequences
A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”
Stereotypes in real life
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
“You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
Can you keep a secret?
“I’m always struck by the unbridled optimism of conspiracy theorists. They have seemingly never tried to keep a dozen people quiet while planning a surprise party.” – Jennifer Wright, author
Where’s the bathroom again?
The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Soup or sex?
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.” – Steven Wright
Get ready for more witty bar jokes anyone can remember.
Down to size
During the pandemic, my two granddaughters—six and eight years old—were being home-schooled by their mom. One day, the eight-year-old had a spelling bee with her sister. “Spell ‘elephant,'” the older one said.
“Let her spell small animals, not big ones,” said her mom.
The older sister paused, then said, “Spell ‘mosquito.'” – Misir Doobay, Toronto
Is there rehab for gossiping?
I don’t need it, but I’ll tell you who does… — Jen Statsky, writer
A great fitting suit
The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.
“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”
“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.
“No problem,” the sales clerk answered. “Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That’s why this suit is only $30.”
Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit’s left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. “Good heavens,” the first doctor said to the second, “look at that poor crippled fellow.”
“Yeah,” answered the second doctor. “But doesn’t that suit fit great?”
Holy spelling mistake!
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, “You make a good point, my son.”
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
“We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!”
“Father!” cries the young monk. “What’s wrong?”
The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, “The word is celebrate!”
Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a bar. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.”
The second guy says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”
First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.”
He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer says, “Ok then, come on in.”
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. The bouncer says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.”
He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer responds, “You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?”
The second guy exclaims, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Don’t miss these hilarious dog cartoons.
That’s why they’re called “luxury goods”
I was browsing in the men’s department at Neiman Marcus when a knitted black designer blazer caught my eye. Although the tag said it was on sale, it still cost more than I cared to spend. Tempting fate, I tried it on. Just then, a saleswoman appeared.
“It fits you perfectly,” she said.
“Yes,” I said, “but I really don’t need it.”
Without missing a beat, she replied, “We don’t sell things that people need.” – Joe Caputo
Two weeks after I had photos taken of my baby, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a colour monitor. The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he rattled off his sales pitch so quickly that I couldn’t get a word in.
Finally, after we’d seen all 20 poses, he asked me which ones I was most interested in.
“None,” I replied. “This isn’t my child.” – GCFL.net
A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
You need to learn these corny Halloween jokes!
Bigger in Texas
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”
The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.” – Mitch Hedberg
Let the job hunt begin
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” –Phyllis Diller
Keep these funny holiday jokes in mind for your next party!
Ocean full of beer
Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!” The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into brew.
The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says, “Nice going! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”
These hilarious tweets are guaranteed to make you grin!
Brown bears vs. grizzly bears
A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.”
“So how do we know if they’re grizzly bear droppings?” asks one of the ramblers.
“It’s easy,” replies the ranger. “They’re full of small bells.”
Don’t miss these perfectly-timed photos of funny farm animals.
God in a parking lot
A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, I found one!”
A long life
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.” – Woody Allen
Hit it on the head
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
Get to know these funny jokes for National Tell a Joke Day!
Out of shape
Why did I have to learn what a rhombus is? Literally nothing is rhombus shaped. – Marie Faustin, comedian
Don’t miss this collection of the best knock knock jokes for kids.
A pessimist and an optimist
There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist.
First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room filled with toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. “What’s the matter?” the psychiatrist asked. “Don’t you want to play with any of the toys?”
“Yes,” the little boy bawled, “but if I did I’d only break them.”
Next, the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist climbed to the top of the pile, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands.
“What are you doing?” the baffled psychiatrist asked.
The little boy replied, “With all this manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!”
(This was reportedly President Ronald Reagan’s favourite joke!)
Check out these funny political quotes you can’t help but laugh at.
Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.”
Patient: “What do you mean, 10? Ten what? Months? Weeks?!”
These wise—and often hilarious—quotes from The Good Place can be applied to everyday life!
A Russian goes to Ukraine
As a Russian prepares to cross the Ukrainian border, the border guard asks, “Occupation?”
“No,” says the Russian. “Just visiting.”
Two men were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car’s indicators are working.
He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: “Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”
Secret agent Murphy
A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.
“Hello,” said the agent, “I’m looking for a man called Murphy.”
“Well you’re in luck,” said the farmer. “As it happens, there’s a village right over the hill where a butcher is called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, and three widows are called Murphy. In fact, my name is Murphy.”
“Aha,” thought the agent, “here’s my man.” So he whispered the secret code: “The sun is shining … the grass is growing … the cows are ready for milking.”
“Oh,” said the farmer, “you’re looking for Murphy the spy. He’s in the village over the other direction.”
Pressed for time? Check out our best short jokes!
A family affair
A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What’s up?” he says.
“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
“What are you doing!” says the husband. “My wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.” — Demetri Martin
Follow the light
A guy walks into a dentist’s office and says, “I think I’m a moth.”
The dentist replies, “You shouldn’t be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist…”
The guys replies, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.”
The dentist says, “Well then what are you doing here?”
And the guy says, “Your light was on.”
A man was stranded on a desert island for 20 years when a navy ship finally spots him. The captain comes ashore and notices three huts. “What are they used for?” the captain asks.
“Well, the hut one on the left is where I live,” says the man. “and the one on the right is where I go to church.”
“So what about that hut in the middle?”
The man sneers, “That’s the church I used to attend!”
Chicken’s for dinner
“Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing.”
“There’s a simple test you can run to see how bad the problem is: Start out 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone say something and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
That evening, the man’s wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he’s in the living room. In a normal tone, he asks, “Honey, what’s for supper?”
So he moves to the other end of the room and repeats, “Honey, what’s for supper?” Still no response. Next, he moves into the dining room. “Honey, what’s for supper?” No response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. “Honey, what’s for supper?” Again, there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for supper?”
“For the fifth time, Harry, CHICKEN!”
Need the laughs to come fast? Don’t miss this roundup of the funniest one-liners on the Internet.
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.
“Magic beer,” he says.
“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”
Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.
“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof—and plummets 15 stories to the ground.
The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Every 10 years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”
Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.”
It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”
“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”
Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?”
Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”
“And yer hand?” asks Morty.
“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”
“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”
“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”
“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”
“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”
It doesn’t have to be Pi Day (March 14) to bring out these funny math jokes!
A mother asks her young sons what they want for breakfast. The first little boy says, “I’ll have some @#$%^& pancakes.”
The mother angrily sends him to his room for cursing. She glares at the other little boy and asks, “What do you want for breakfast?!”
The second boy says, “Well, I sure don’t want the @#$%^& pancakes!”
What a confession
An old man goes to confession. He tells the priest that on Friday night, he’d been in the bar when he met a young woman. “Maybe 22,” he says. “A gorgeous blonde. I started lusting, Father.”
“Yes,” says the priest, “Lust is a dangerous sin.”
“There’s more,” says the man. “We went back to her place and made passionate love for hours.”
The priest pauses. “And how long has it been since your last confession?”
“I’ve never come. This is my first.”
“How is this your first confession?”
“Then… why are you telling me all this?”
“Telling you? I’m telling everyone!”
An interesting game
“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting.’ So we stopped playing chess.”—Matt Kirshen
Barrel of beer
A man comes to Mrs. Smith’s door and says, “There’s been an accident at the brewery. Your husband fell into a vat of beer and drowned.”
Mrs. Smith wails, “Oh, the poor man! He never had a chance!”
The man says, “I don’t know about that. He got out three times to go to the bathroom.”
A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. “There are no fish under the ice!” He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: “There are no fish under the ice!”
He nervously looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?”
“No, this is the rink manager!”
A priest is driving along a country road when a trooper pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: “Have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The cop replies: “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says: “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
The lie detector
Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.
The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”
Son: “OK, OK, I was at the movies.”
Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”
Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“
Mother laughs: “Ha! He really is your son!”
Don’t miss these clever grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate.
What’s the oddest thing that happens with a hypochondriac support group?
Members call in sick, but they all show up for the meeting. Submitted by Wendy Davis
Happy birthday to… Him
My mother asked me to hand out invitations to my brother’s surprise party. That’s when I realized he was her favourite twin. Submitted by Terry Sangster
Impress a history buff with these hilarious history jokes.
A hobo knocks on the door of the St. George and the Dragon Inn. The landlady answers. “Could you give a poor man something to eat?” asks the hobo.
“No!” yells the woman, slamming the door in his face.
A few minutes later, the hobo knocks again. “Now what do you want?” the woman asks.
“Could I have a few words with George?” Submitted by David Miteff
Return on investment
An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. “Mr. Peterson,” she begins, “would you say you’re honest?”
“Honest?” replies the lawyer. “Let me tell you something about honesty: My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case.
“Impressive,” says the banker. “And what sort of case was that?”
“My father sued me for the money.” Submitted by Dee Hudson
Here are the funniest court cases of all time!
My dog is smarter than your dog
A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
“My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee.”
“I know,” says the second dog owner.
“How do you know?”
“My dog told me.” Submitted by Sourabh Bhatia
Take that look off your face
A man with a huge grin approaches a priest.
“Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says. “I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”
“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”
“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”
“No, but it’ll wipe that stupid smile off your face.” Submitted by Edward F. Castellanos
You won’t be able to un-see these funny stock photos. (Consider yourself warned!)
I was driving when I first saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasn’t. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. But again the camera flashed. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snail’s pace. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt. Submitted by Adam J. Smargon
Q: When do cows go to sleep?
A: When it’s pasture bedtime. Submitted by Hoss Alfred
These breads puns will come in handy the next time you feel like loafing around.
One, two, three…
After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.
“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded.
“What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re it!”
That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest.
“What are you doing?”
“Counting your ribs.” Submitted by William Halliday
These cheesy pick-up lines are are sure to get you a laugh (if not love).
Think about it…
“What does the word ‘contemplate’ mean?” the college student asked his English professor.
“Think about it,” the professor answered.
“Ugh!” the student groaned. “Can’t you just tell me?” Submitted by Dana Thayer
These hilarious school stories are guaranteed to give you a laugh.
A man is on trial for armed robbery. The jury comes back with the verdict. The foreman stands, clear his throat and announces, “Not guilty.”
The defendant leaps to his feet. “Awesome!” he shouts. “Does that mean I get to keep the money?” Submitted by Lawrence Adelson
Enough is enough
Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his bar stool and lies motionless on the floor.
“One thing about Fred,” his buddy says to the bartender. “He knows when to stop.” Submitted by Ken Zavislik
The manager of a jewellery store nabs a shoplifter trying to steal a necklace. “Listen,” the crook says, “you don’t want any trouble, and neither do I. What do you say I just buy the necklace and we forget this ever happened?”
The manager agrees and writes up a sales slip.
“You know,” says the crook, “this is more than I wanted to spend. Got anything less expensive?” Submitted by Rosemary Covert
Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
A: Breathe! Breathe! Submitted by Paul Lewis
“I think my goldfish has seizures,” a man tells the veterinarian.
“He seems fine now,” says the vet.
“Now, sure. But wait till I take him out of the bowl.” Submitted by Nancy Send
Help (desperately) wanted
An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. But two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt.
“What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks.
“Here, boy,” he replies. Submitted by Denise Stewart
Check out the most Canadian headlines of all time.
Survival of the fittest
Q: You’re riding a horse at full speed. You’re being chased by a lion and there’s a giraffe in the way in front of you. How will you escape this highly dangerous situation?
A: Get off the carousel. Submitted by Stephanie Finlayson
Sadly, female airline pilots are still relatively rare. As a result, while in uniform, I’m often mistaken for a flight attendant, a ticket agent, or even a snack bar employee. One day, I was brushing my teeth in the restroom before a flight when a woman walked in. “My sister would be so proud of you!” she declared.
I figured her sister must also be in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why.
The woman responded, “She’s a dentist.” – GCFL.net
A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch.
“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise.”
“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?”
“Thirty-six.” Submitted by Melissa Steginus
Makes you think
The other day I was thinking, “I must be the most unobservant person in the world.” Then I thought, “Well, maybe other people are equally unobservant and I just haven’t noticed before.” Submitted by D. Norris
The original reality TV show
I love that TV show with all the different video clips of things going disastrously wrong. What’s it called? Oh yes—the news. Submitted by Max Cooper
After a husband and wife have a heated argument, the wife calls her mother. “He fought with me again! I’m coming over to live with you.”
To which her mother replies, “No, no, darling. He must pay for his mistake. I’m coming to live with you.” Submitted by Joan Vercueil
A bug’s life
A couple of cockroaches are munching on the contents of a garbage can in a deserted alley. “Have you popped into that new coffee shop across the street yet?” asks one. “The floors are so shiny you can see your antennae in them. The walls are so clean you can’t run up them. The air is so fresh it smells like flowers.”
“Stop!” cries the second cockroach. “Please, not while I’m eating.” Submitted by Shirleen Slabber
The limitations of spell check
I got an A on my very first university English paper. While the professor was impressed with my work, she said she had deducted a few marks for a spelling error. After several readings, I couldn’t find my mistake. Preparing to challenge the prof, I stood up and stopped flipping through my assignment. There, on the front cover, was a red circle around my misspelled name. Submitted by Lucinda Rajaselvan
Par for the course
The police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing over a lifeless man, holding a bent and twisted five-iron. The detective asks, “Is that your husband?”
“Yes,” replies the woman.
“Did you hit him with the golf club?”
“Yes, I did,” sobs the woman.
“How many times did you hit him?” asks the detective.
“I don’t know,” she replies. “Five, six, maybe seven times. Oh look, just put me down for five.” Submitted by Kerrie Pont
The prosecutor was relentless as he badgered the witness:
“What did the accused do when he learned the jewellery was stolen?”
“He did what any honest man would do,” said the witness.
“And what was that?”
“It’s just as I thought—you don’t know.” Submitted by Gene Newman
These are the funniest lawyer jokes of all time.
Jim was invited to Buckingham Palace. He wasn’t familiar with royal etiquette, so he decided to simply follow the Queen’s lead and hope for the best. When tea was served, the Queen removed her cup from her saucer. Jim nervously mimicked her. She poured some milk into the saucer and Jim did likewise. When she put the saucer on the floor, he was surprised. Then she called, “Here, kitty…” Submitted by Khalid Khan
Don’t miss this roundup of the Canadian comedians to watch out for—and their best jokes.
Q: How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he waits until the last minute to cram it in. Submitted by Greg Madden
These smart light bulb jokes are truly illuminating.
Making a splash
A husband texts his wife on a frosty winter morning:
His wife texts back, “Pour lukewarm water over it.”
Five minutes later he replies: “Computer completely messed up now.” Submitted by Catherine Hiscox
Everyone can relate to these funny tweets about technology.
When a daydreaming taxi driver accidentally drove past his destination, his passenger gently tapped him on the shoulder from the back seat.
Startled, the driver went through a red light and almost hit a bus before he pulled over. As he tried to catch his breath, the passenger said, “I’m sorry I gave you a jolt—it was my fault.”
“No, it was mine,” the driver said. “This is my first day driving a cab. For the past 25 years, I drove a hearse.” Submitted by Janeth Murphy
Recently, a man walked into my barbershop and asked how much for a haircut.
“Eight dollars,” I answered.
“And for a shave?”
“All right,” he said, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.” Submitted by Abdulmajeed Mamudu
A dark turn
Two criminals are taking a walk deep in the woods one dark night.
“Boy, it sure is creepy out here,” says the first outlaw.
“How do you think I feel?” asks his companion. “I have to walk back alone.” Submitted by Harry Klein
A distraught senior citizen dialed her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so,” said the doctor.
There was a moment of silence before the woman replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked ‘No Refills.’” Submitted by Roy Warner
Refresh my drink… Erm, I mean memory
An elderly gentleman walked into an upscale cocktail lounge. Well-dressed, with a flower pinned to his lapel, he cut a suave figure. Seated at the bar was a fine-looking lady of a certain age. The gentleman walked over, sat beside her, ordered a drink, then turned to her to ask, “Tell me, good-looking, do I come here often?” Submitted by Bill Warren
Relive the history of the world in dumb jokes.
A zookeeper spotted a visitor throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit…
“Why are you doing that?” asked the keeper.
“The sign says it’s okay,” replied the visitor.
“No, it doesn’t.”
“Yes, it does. It says, ‘Do not feed. $10 fine.'” Submitted by John Langley
These funny animal pictures are sure to crack you up!
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween…
Now he won’t come when I call him. Submitted by Reid Faylor
These hilarious dog puns will give you paws.
Do you even lift?
One night, while we were out for supper at a Mediterranean restaurant, my sister-in-law had a question about one of the appetizers. When the server showed up to take our order, she asked, “Where do you get your mussels?”
The young waitress blushed, looked sheepishly at her biceps and quietly answered, “Cross-training?” Submitted by Dan Grabke
Q: What’s Edith Piaf’s favourite airline?
A: L’avion rose. Submitted by Mark Flowerdew
Thinking outside the box
Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she phones him, furious.
“What are you complaining about?” he fires back. “You still haven’t used the present I gave you last year.” Submitted by L.B. Weinstein
It really knocked him out
Late one evening, Norm’s doorbell rang. When he answered the door, he found a six-foot-tall cockroach standing in front of him. The bug grabbed Norm by the collar, punched him in the eye, threw him across the living room and then ran off.
The next day, Norm went to see his doctor to have his bruised eye examined. “Ah, yes,” the doctor said when Norm explained what had happened to him. “There’s a nasty bug going around.” Submitted by D.G.
A sure sign
The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder.
“Well,” said her husband to the shaken pastor when all the commotion ending, “she’s there.” Submitted by Norm Schmitz
A matter of timing
One friend complains to another, “All my husband and I do any more is fight. I’ve been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.”
“If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asks the other friend.
“I’d like to lose another 15 pounds first.” Submitted by Mary Buoye
Walking along the beach, a man finds a bottle. He rubs it and instantly, a genie appears.
“I’ll grant you three wishes,” the genie says. “There’s just one condition. I’m a lawyer’s genie, so for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the same thing, only double.”
After thinking a moment, the man says, “For my first wish, I would like $10 million.”
“Lawyers will get $20 million,” the genie reminds him.
“What else do you want?”
“I’d love to have a red Porsche,” he says. Instantly, the car appears on the beach.
“What’s your last wish?”
“Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.” Submitted by Robert L. Jaffee
Growing up with a curious younger brother and a sharp-eared dad led to some memorable conversations as a teenager. One afternoon, I decided to clean a purse of mine by throwing it into the washing machine—spring cleaning and all that.
“Why are you washing it?” my brother asked, perplexed.
“From the next room over, my dad yelled, “She’s money laundering!” Submitted by Shinae Hartley
Stay in your lane
A farmer sees a chicken strutting across a rural highway. He shouts to her, “Hey, why are you crossing the road?”
The chicken replies, “To change the light bulb in the henhouse.”
“Can you change it by yourself, or will you need help? In other words, how many chicken does it take to change a light bulb?”
Says the chicken, “Sorry, but that’s the subject of another joke.” Submitted by Gary Johnston
Ever wondered how “why did the chicken cross the road” became a thing? Here are the fascinating origins of classic jokes.
When you’re thirsty…
My four-year-old grandson loves picking dandelions, placing them in a glass of water and presenting then to his mom. One day, I saw him reach for the glass of dandelion water and stopped him just before he drank from it.
“Don’t drink that,” I said. “That water is yucky!”
He replied, “Well, it tasted good yesterday.” – Tammy McKenzie, High River, Alberta
This and That
While cleaning out the garage, I found an old protest sign that read, “DISARM TODAY!”
On the other side, it said, “DAT ARM TOMORROW.” Submitted by Jim Vandermaas
I was staying in a hotel where the towels were so thick that I could hardly close my suitcase. Submitted by Adam J. Smargon
A man at a restaurant orders Swedish meatballs. When the waiter brings him the meal, he asks if they are genuine. “Yes,” says the waiter. “If you look closely, you can see the little black dots in the meatballs. Those are the umlauts.” Submitted by David Wong
While going through his deceased father’s things, a man found a 25-year-old claim stub for a shoe repair. Curious, he went to the store and handed the ticket to the owner, who headed to the back of the store before reappearing.
“Good news,” he said. “I found them. They’ll be ready next Friday.” Submitted by Ronald Moore
Q: What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
A: Cookie sheets. Submitted by Timothy Manganaro
Cheap and cheerful
A Dubliner proposes to his girlfriend on St. Patrick’s Day and gives her a ring with a synthetic diamond.
“You cheap bum!” she yells. “This isn’t even real.”
“I know,” he says. “But in honour of Saint Patrick, I thought I’d buy you a sham-rock.” Anonymous