50+ Canadian Comedians to Watch Out For—and Their Best Jokes
These Canadian comedians are making us proud—and making us laugh, too! Check out the best jokes from these rising stars on the comedy circuit.
In a medical emergency, I recommend you:
1) Call 911.
2) Unlock the door.
3) Summon every last ounce of strength you have to shove your dirty dishes in the sink so that the paramedics don’t see your shame.
It was a dark day when Canada discontinued the penny. That was the day the cost of wishes went up 500 per cent.
Only geniuses will get these tough trivia questions right.
I think that being an astronaut on the way to the moon would be the worst time to find out that you’re a werewolf.
Leonard Chan is based in Toronto and performs regularly across North America. Find out where he’s touring at theleonardchan.com.
These brainteasing puzzles will have your head spinning.
As an arm amputee people always ask me if I wish I had hands. Honestly I mostly just wish you guys didn’t have hands.
Courtney Gilmour is the winner of the 2017 Homegrown Comics Competition at Just for Laughs. You can catch her performing with Yuk Yuk’s across Canada.
These are the most Canadian headlines of all time.
Someone asked me if I was a practising Muslim, and I said, “Yes, I’m hoping to make the national team this year. I don’t know if you’ve heard of them, they’re called in the Muslim All-Stars and they put the ‘all’ in Allah.”
Nour Hadidi hosts and produces So Fresh N So Clean – Toronto’s only clean comedy show – on the first Friday of every month. Follow her at @NourHadidi.
These work cartoons will help get you through the week.
I can’t believe microwaves are still hanging on. They’re not even good at the one thing they’re supposed to do. They’ve been around for 40 years and nobody knows how long you’re supposed to put anything in there. Even products designed specifically for it have directions like “Put it in for between five and 12 minutes,” “Make sure it’s on high.” Yeah, always on high! Nobody knows how to take it off high.
Decker’s Just for Laughs Montreal festival set is on Netflix. You can hear him on Sirius XM radio and CBC Radio’s “The Debaters.” Follow him on Twitter @ivandecker.
We’ve rounded up the most famous practical jokes in history.
I don’t know what I hate more about going to the dentist: the physical torture or the small talk.
Tranna Wintour is a transgender comedian and writer based in Montreal. Find her upcoming shows at trannawintour.com.
I’ve never been especially cool. When I was a kid, I once shop-lifted a thesaurus. But then I felt so guilty, so sorry, so remorseful, so shameful, so repentant—so I returned it.
Salomon is a former war crimes lawyer turned stand up comedian who lives in NYC. Find her on Twitter at @jess_salomon.
These are the absolute funniest jokes about lawyers.
I think they should have named sandwich bags, “bags that are a little bit too small for a sandwich.”
Keep up to date with James Brown’s shows and musings online at jamesbrown.space.
You don’t need to be a foodie to get a kick out of these funny food jokes.
After a show, I once got asked, “How Muslim are you?” I didn’t know what to say. Is there a Muslim scale? Was I supposed to be like, “Hey so from bacon to ISIS, I’m right in the middle.”
In 2018, Hoodo Hersi was selected as a Homegrown Talent at Just for Laughs, and as an Audible New Voice at SF Sketchfest. Follow her on Twitter @hoodocomedy.
These funny phrases are definitely worth memorizing.
I’m a 35-year-old unemployed, whisky-drinking, pot-smoking Muslim who’s dating a British girl. The only people I’m terrorizing are my parents. I have a jihad on their dreams!
Faisal Butt is a Toronto-based stand-up comedian. Find his upcoming shows at iamfaisalbutt.com.
You’re guaranteed to smile at these funny texts from parents gone bad.
I see a lot of people wearing T-shirts that say “NO FUN” on them. I was considering getting one until I realized it already says that on my face. People would be like, “Why does it say no fun on that guy twice?”
Darryl Orr has been performing stand-up comedy for 10 years. You can follow him on Twitter at @fishinadarryl.
These are the most outrageous news stories from around the world.
I was at a seminar entitled, Arouse Their Interest Through Reverse Psychology…but you don’t want to hear about that.
Every science lover will appreciate these funny physics jokes.
I wonder if there’s an alternate universe out there where zombies tell stories about “non-dead” humans:
“And then it was July and Linda realized she was three months late on declaring her taxes.”
“Mommy, I’m scared.”
“Its just a story, baby…it’s just a story.”
Brandon Calder is part of the YouTube sketch comedy group Moving Mind Studio and stars in Laugh Out Loud network’s Campus Law. Find him online at movingmindstudio.com.
My friend told me he was going to become a risk taker. He said he was going to go sky diving, bungee jumping and ride every roller coaster he sees. But all those activities have safety precautions–they’re not risky. I stood on my IKEA coffee table while changing a light bulb the other day. That was risky, because IKEA furniture is basically made of sawdust and hope.
Kate co-hosts the podcast “A Positive Spin” with comedian Sara Starkman, where they highlight positive news stories.
Find out the real reason why IKEA products have such strange names.
My girlfriend and I just broke up. We were in a long-distance relationship, which is easily the best kind of relationship to have if you’d like strangers to tell you that it’s not going to work.
Cullen recently released a new comedy album called Most Likely to Be a Comedian. You can find his tour dates at cullenthecomic.com.
Find out the origins of these classic jokes everyone knows.
I believe that mental health is as important as physical health. So whenever I see a jogger I yell at them, “What are you running from, honey?”
Jenny can be heard on CBC Radio’s The Debaters, and seen on comedy stages from Alaska to Australia.
You’ll wish you’d been using these hilariously good comebacks your whole life.
I miss my old car. We would always play this fun game where the engine light would come on, and then I would just call its bluff.
Alberta-based stand-up comedian Amy Bugg has appeared on CBC’s Grownups Read Things They Wrote as Kids.
These DIY jokes will bring down the house!
I’m really bad at buying gifts for people, especially family members. On my father’s 40th birthday, I got him a CD from the band UB40, just to remind him that he be 40.
Catch Too Much Information hosted by Norm Sousa (@normsousa) on Super Channel.
These birthday jokes are guaranteed to get a laugh.
There are two kinds of people in the world: people who say, “Why aren’t you dancing? C’mon, come dance!” and people I like.
Watch Ennis Esmer as troublemaking tennis pro Nash in the comedy Red Oaks on Amazon Prime. Follow him on Twitter at @ennisesmer.
We guarantee that you can’t help but laugh at these bad jokes.
When I tell bar audiences I used to be a pastor, they laugh at me. When I tell church people I am a comedian, they pray for me.
Cliff Prang is a professional actor, comedian and speaker, and an amateur stay-at-home dad. You can find him online at cliffprang.com.
These good news stories will brighten your day.
My eight-year-old daughter, Sania, is a terrible joke teller, which is embarrassing to me, a man who makes his living as a comedian. She always has to be on, always has a zinger for every moment.
“Hey, Papa, that hat doesn’t match your face!”
“What? What joke book is that from?”
“Hey, Papa, nice shirt. Did your mom buy that for you?”
“No, your mom did. Now calm down!”
“Papa, knock knock.”
“Oh. Well, that’s nice. Love who?” “Nobody loves you!”
And that’s how you get grounded for telling jokes.
Download “From Zero to Hero,” the new stand-up special from Toronto comedian Ali Hassan (@StandUpAli), on iTunes.
Check out these hilariously awkward family photos.
I bought a new blender the other day. The box says it “easily processes everything!” And it’s like, okay, buddy, we’re not all so lucky.
Sophie Kohn is part of the stand- up comedy collective Joke Party. Catch their show every Wednesday at Comedy Bar in Toronto.
Here’s some excellent bread puns for the next time you want to loaf around.
I have a great idea for Netflix called the relationship filter, for when you are viewing alone and want to have the feeling of watching with a loved one. It would just be a voice that comes on at a certain point in the film to say, “Who’s that person?” then a little while later, “Oh, he’s from The West Wing.”
You’ll fall in love with these jokes about marriage.
My mixed family looks like a ghost and a shadow made love and I was the result. The Sears family photo was always a little tricky for us. The first few takes and my father would come out just eyes and teeth in the background. Then they’d adjust the lighting and my dad would be beautifully lit, but my mom looked like an apparition.
These are the funniest Reader’s Digest jokes of all time.
People always tell me, “Everything happens for a reason.” But they can never name the reason, so basically they’re just telling me, “Everything happens.”
Demers performs stand-up across North America. Find out if he is performing in your city at djdemers.com.
The least useful piece of information? When the karaoke screen tells you what key your song is in. Has anybody ever used that? No one’s like, “Oh, ‘Rebel Yell’ is in the key of E? I thought it was in A. Thank God, I almost made a fool of myself.”
Jordan Foisy is a contributor at Vice Canada and CBC Comedy. Follow him on Twitter @JordanFoisy.
Some songs are creepy—these songs are downright terrifying.
I just bought a Canada Goose jacket. I love it—it’s warm, it’s comfortable. The only problem is, whenever I run into other people wearing Canada Goose jackets, we all have to walk in a V-formation.
Follow Montreal comedian David Acer on Twitter @David_Acer.
Our editors says that these gags make them laugh every single time. See if you agree!
My aunt came to visit me from Nicaragua, and I took her to Niagara Falls. We visited Louis Tussaud’s wax museum. My aunt goes, “These are the ugliest candles I have ever seen.”
Do you ever just lie on the ground and look up at the stars after security tackles you on the red carpet?
These hilarious first kiss stories will make you glad you’re no longer a teenager.
I feel bad for hockey players because they can get traded. Imagine if you were 19 and you worked at Subway and one day you went in for your shift and they said, “Sorry, now you work at Quiznos in Winnipeg.”
Find out how to pronounce these tongue-twisting hockey player names.
I saw a sign on a lawn that said, “Please Don’t Walk On Our Grass.” Then I saw an old man’s face in the window, and his face also said that.
Jackie Pirico is a Toronto comedian who performs on stages across North America. Find her on Twitter @jackiepirico.
People born after 1990 won’t understand these retro pop culture references.
I accidentally walked in on a guy having a shower after yoga class. He was not the least bit fazed. “Namaste,” he said, as I opened the shower curtain. I closed it and replied, “Nah, ’ma go.”
The Julien Dionne Comedy Hour podcast is available on iTunes or at juliendionne.com.
These cheesy pick-up lines are guaranteed to get a laugh.
I think it’s time for me to cut back on the therapy. The other day, someone cut me off in traffic and made a rude gesture. I leaned out the window and yelled, “Who are you really angry at?”
Taylor is the creator and star of the all-female Baroness von Sketch Show. Stream full episodes on cbc.ca.
Next, check out these witty bar jokes anyone can remember.