The 75 Funniest Quotes of All Time
Your complete guide to witticisms, quips, retorts, rejoinders and pithy replies for every occasion.
What defines a country?
“I thought Europe was a country.” —Kellie Pickler, country music singer.
If you agree with the fact that these are the funniest quotes, you’ll also enjoy the funniest one-liners on the Internet.
“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.” —Stephen Colbert
You won’t believe these 50 things are banned in the U.S.
“The lion shall lie down with the calf, but the calf won’t get much sleep.” —Woody Allen
These hilarious yearbook quotes will crack you up.
“I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.” —Tara Reid, actress
You’ll want to keep these hilarious comebacks handy!
“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.” —Billy Connolly, actor
Don’t miss these wise The Sopranos quotes to live your life by.
“I won’t go into a big spiel about reincarnation, but the first time I was in the Gucci store in Chicago was the closest I’ve ever felt to home.” —Kanye West, rap artist
“I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.” —Shane Richie, British actor
Don’t miss the funniest royal family moments in pictures.
“Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same.” —Anonymous
Don’t miss the funniest lawyer jokes of all time.
Poison for breakfast
Following an argument, an angry Lady Astor told Winston Churchill, “Winston, if you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee.” Churchill snapped, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
For more (dramatized) bon mots from Churchill, check out this roundup of unforgettable The Crown quotes.
When Mick Jagger insisted that his wrinkles were actually laugh lines, jazz singer George Melly replied, “Surely nothing could be that funny.”
Speaking of funny, these hilarious dog memes are sure to crack a smile.
A sports columnist recalled the story of a flight attendant who asked Muhammad Ali to fasten his seat belt. Ali replied, “Superman don’t need no seat belt.” The flight attendant’s retort: “Superman don’t need no airplane either.”
Speaking of superpowers, these inspiring Stan Lee quotes are downright heroic.
Leading the blind
Seeing a male dog sniffing a female dog, the young daughter of Laurence Olivier asked Noël Coward what they were doing. Coward: “The one in front has suddenly gone blind and the other one has very kindly offered to push him.” These inspiring Ernest Hemingway quotes will make you see the glass half full.
In the 1960s, Joe Pyne, one of the original shock jocks, apparently began an interview with Frank Zappa by saying, “So I guess your long hair makes you a woman.” Zappa responded, “So I guess your wooden leg makes you a table.”
Here are 22 Canadian comedians to watch out for—and their best jokes.
Katharine Hepburn so hated filming a movie with John Barrymore, she declared, “Mr. Barrymore, I am never going to act with you again.” Barrymore replied, “My dear, you still haven’t.”
Here’s every Oscar best picture winner ranked—from worst to best.
Director/writer Kevin Smith told Tim Burton that Burton’s Planet of the Apes reminded him of a comic book he’d written. Burton responded, “Everyone knows I never read comics.” Smith shot back, “That explains Batman.”
Find out the most popular movie the year you were born.
An acquaintance walked past Algonquin Round Table member Marc Connelly and ran a hand over Connelly’s bald pate. “That feels just as smooth and as nice as my wife’s behind,” he said. Connelly, running his own hand over his head, remarked, “So it does!” If you need a break from laughing at the funniest quotes ever, check out these insightful, inspiring and just plain wise quotes from the Dalai Lama.
Dreams of Nimoy
Leonard Nimoy was asked by a woman, “Are you aware that you [as Spock] are the source of erotic dream material for ladies around the world?” Nimoy’s reply: “May all your dreams come true.”
Got a soft spot for sci-fi? Don’t miss these inspiring Doctor Who quotes.
The three Rs
“You know there’s a problem when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R.” —Dennis Miller, comedian
Do you tend to have trouble making it to the punchline? Here are 75 short jokes anyone can remember.
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” —Billy Wilder, director
Having a manic Monday? These jokes about work will help you get through the week.
“She loves nature in spite of what it did to her.” —Bette Midler
“Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.” —Nicole Hollander, cartoonist. Are you cracking up from the funniest quotes of all time? These hilarious dog cartoons will also tickle your ribs.
“Start every day with a smile and get over it.” —W. C. Fields (attributed)
Are you enjoying these funniest quotes? Check out the most inspiring Indian quotes of all time.
“I wish I had the confidence of the woman who boldly admits she’s the Miranda of her crew.” —Jessica Biel, actress
Sing it out
“Karaoke is the great equalizer.” —Aisha Tyler, talk show host
Crossing the road
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.” —Stephen Hawking, physicist
There’s a surprisingly humorous side to Stephen Hawking you didn’t know about.
“The only people who still call hurricanes acts of God are the people who write insurance forms.” —Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist. Hilarious quotes are great, but sometimes we need photos to get that extra laugh. Check out these funny animal pictures.
“By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.” —Richard Dawkins, scientist
“He was so narrow-minded, he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.” —Molly Ivins, author
Looking for more LOLs? Don’t miss this hilarious collection of corny jokes.
Marriage from heaven
“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” —Clint Eastwood. A lot of hilarious quotes are about marriage, but you’ll also want to read these Downton Abbey quotes that will warm your heart.
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
Take our Word Power challenge and test your knowledge of philosophy terms.
Someone you love
“Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love.” —Butch Hancock, country musician.
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” —Rod Stewart, rock star
Looking for a quick chuckle? These funny limericks should do the trick!
Bacon is everything
“When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn’t matter who’s president.” —Louis CK
Don’t miss these surprisingly inspirational quotes from the world’s funniest comedians.
“Part of [the $10 million] went for gambling, horses, and women. The rest I spent foolishly.” —George Raft, film star
“I was going to sue for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character.” —Charles Barkley, TV basketball analyst
These hilarious family stories are guaranteed to make you laugh out loud.
Don’t give up the good stuff
“I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.” —Johnny Carson
“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.” —Samuel Johnson, 18th-century author
“Her only flair is in her nostrils.” —Pauline Kael, film critic. These jokes about marriage are so accurate they’ll have you cracking up.
“She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.” —Jean Webster, author
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” —Abraham Lincoln
You won’t believe these ridiculous excuses people actually used to get out of work.
Know it alls
“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” —Isaac Asimov, science fiction writer
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley, humourist
“Wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy.” —Benjamin Franklin
Americans don’t have a monopoly on humour! Check out the funniest Canadian quotes of all time.
“Why beer is better than wine: human feet are conspicuously absent from beer making.” —Steve Mirsky, author
“The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work, and then they get elected and prove it.” —P. J. O’Rourke, writer
“I’ve been married to one Marxist and one Fascist, and neither one would take the garbage out.” —Lee Grant, actress
In the mood for love? You’ll swoon over the 15 most romantic quotes from books.
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him.” —Cher
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.” —Tom Clancy, author
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
These hilarious history jokes are sure to make you snicker.
“An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, ‘So far so good!’” —Anonymous
Could you use a hit of optimism? These inspiring hope quotes will instantly lift you up.
“The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.” —George Will, columnist
“I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb … and I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton
Looking for some wise words? Here are 15 profound The Good Place quotes to live your life by.
“He suffers from delusions of adequacy.” —Walter Kerr, critic
“Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it’s done, they’ve seen it done every day, but they’re unable to do it themselves.” —Brendan Behan, Irish author
Reports of death
“The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.” —Mark Twain
Here are nine more famous quotes everybody gets wrong.
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” —Albert Einstein
Einstein himself would appreciate these hilarious physics jokes.
“Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.” —Helen Gurley Brown, former editor of Cosmopolitan. If you’re enjoying this list of the funniest quotes of all time, you’ll also enjoy these funny work cartoons.
Not a fan favourite
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” —Oscar Wilde
Speaking of the dead
“They say you shouldn’t say anything about the dead unless it’s good. He’s dead. Good.” —Moms Mabley
Having trouble with these inscription on a birthday card? These hilarious birthday jokes are guaranteed to get a laugh.
“Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.” —President John F. Kennedy
Speaking of Northern charm, get a load of these hilarious Canadian headlines.
Trouble, trouble, trouble
“The trouble with this country is that there are too many people going about saying, ‘The trouble with this country is …’” —Sinclair Lewis
Don’t miss the funniest political insults of all time.
When a fan asked Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart for tips on writing symphonies, the composer is said to have suggested, “Begin with some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony.” “But Herr Mozart,” replied the fan, “you were writing symphonies when you were eight.” “Yes,” said Mozart. “But I never asked anybody.” Now that you know the funniest quotes of all time, check out the funniest Reader’s Digest jokes ever!