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The 100 Funniest Quotes of All Time

Between the savage insults and hilarious insights, this collection of the funniest quotes of all time will leave you laughing.

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Kellie Pickler funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

The funniest quotes of all time aren’t always intentional…

Case in point:

“I thought Europe was a country.” —Kellie Pickler, country music singer

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Funniest quotes of all time - Seinfeld on DeathPhoto: RD.com

Seinfeld on fear

“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” —Jerry Seinfeld

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Funniest quotes of all timePhoto: RD.com

The joys of parenthood

“I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, ‘If you had it to do all over again, would you still have kids?’ ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Just not these four.’” —Sheila Lee

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Funniest quotes of all time - Let me check my calendarPhoto: RD.com

Let me check my calendar

“I just realized that ‘Let me check my calendar’ is the adult version of ‘Let me ask my mom.’” —Noelle Chatham

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Funniest quotes of all time - Phyllis Diller on parenthoodPhoto: RD.com

Phyllis Diller on motherhood

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller

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Funniest quotes of all time - Sandra BullockPhoto: RD.com

Sandra Bullock on taking the high road

“Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired.” —Sandra Bullock 

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Funniest quotes of all timePhoto: RD.com

Some assembly required

“Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.” —@askdadblog (John Kinnear)

These silly warning labels will leave you scratching your head!

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Funniest quotes of all time - Carrie FisherPhoto: RD.com

Carrie Fisher on satisfaction

“Instant gratification takes too long.” —Carrie Fisher 

Don’t miss these side-splitting Star Wars jokes.

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Funniest quotes of all time - Nora EphronPhoto: RD.com

Nora Ephron on teenagers

“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” —Nora Ephron

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Funniest quotes of all time - living in the pastPhoto: RD.com

Living in the past

“I admit that I live in the past, but only because housing is so much cheaper.” —Matt Wohlfarth

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Funniest quotes of all time - homeworkPhoto: RD.com

At least the dog didn’t eat it

“I recently asked a student where his homework was. He replied, ‘It’s still in my pencil.’” —Larry Timmons

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Funniest quotes of all time - fit familyPhoto: RD.com

The family that runs together

“One of my biggest fears is that I’ll marry into a family that runs 5Ks on holidays.” —@xnatata

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Funniest quotes of all time - MapquestPhoto: RD.com

We’ve got the driveway covered

“Mapquest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.” —Aaron Karo 

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Funniest quotes of all time - Erma BombeckPhoto: RD.com

Erma Bombeck on a mother’s advice

“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck

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Funniest quotes of all timePhoto: RD.com

The problem with Dr. Google

“WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.” —Crystal Lowery

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Funniest quotes of all time - Reese Witherspoon on parentingPhoto: RD.com

Reese Witherspoon on parenting

“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon

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Funniest quotes of all time - Dave BarryPhoto: RD.com

Tech support

“User: the word computer professionals use when they mean ‘idiot.’” —Dave Barry

If you’ve ever called your kids for tech support, this hilarious story is a must-read!

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Funniest quotes of all time - Charlie Brown on anxietyPhoto: RD.com

Charlie Brown on anxiety

“Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” —Charlie Brown 

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Stephen Colbert funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Founding Fathers

“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.” —Stephen Colbert

You won’t believe these 50 things are banned in the U.S.

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Funniest quotes of all time - hospital gownPhoto: RD.com

Rear view

“As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.” —Adam Joshua Smargon

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Funniest quotes of all time - Emilia ClarkePhoto: RD.com

Good judge of character

“My father always said, ‘Never trust anyone whose TV is bigger than their bookshelf.’” —Emilia Clarke 

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Funniest quotes of all time - dessert deal-breakerPhoto: RD.com

Deal-breaker

“‘I don’t want a whole dessert; let’s just get two spoons.’ —Former friends of mine.” —Anna Kendrick 

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Donald Trump funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Lion versus sheep

“It is better to live one day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep.” —Donald Trump (retweeting a Benito Mussolini quote)

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Woody Allen funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

No sleep

“The lion shall lie down with the calf, but the calf won’t get much sleep.” —Woody Allen

These hilarious yearbook quotes will crack you up.

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Tara Reid funny quoteImage: Nicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Smart scientist

“I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.”  —Tara Reid, actress

You’ll want to keep these hilarious comebacks handy!

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Music smarts

“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.” —Billy Connolly, actor

Want to turn someone’s frown upside down? Try giving them one of these funny compliments!

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Kanye West funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Designer dreams

“I won’t go into a big spiel about reincarnation, but the first time I was in the Gucci store in Chicago was the closest I’ve ever felt to home.” —Kanye West, rap artist

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Shane Richie funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Former life

“I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.” —Shane Richie, British actor

Don’t miss the funniest royal family moments in pictures.

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Axl Rose funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Relationships

“It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.” —Axl Rose, lead singer of Guns N’ Roses

These cheesy pick up lines are good for a laugh (if not love!).

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bigamyNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

The definition of monogamy

“Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same.” —Anonymous

Don’t miss the funniest lawyer jokes of all time.

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Funniest quotes of all timePhoto: RD.com

Sharing is caring

“Not sure which is harder on a relationship: sharing a dresser for three years or sharing an iPhone charger for one day.” —Rhea Butcher

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Winston Churchill funny quote

Poison for breakfast

Following an argument, an angry Lady Astor told Winston Churchill, “Winston, if you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee.” Churchill snapped, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

For more (dramatized) bon mots from Churchill, check out this roundup of unforgettable The Crown quotes.

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Mick Jagger funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Funny wrinkles

When Mick Jagger insisted that his wrinkles were actually laugh lines, jazz singer George Melly replied, “Surely nothing could be that funny.”

Speaking of funny, these hilarious dog cartoons are sure to crack a smile.

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Funniest quotes of all time - Jack HandeyPhoto: RD.com

Deep thoughts

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” —Jack Handey

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Muhammed Ali funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Superman

A sports columnist recalled the story of a flight attendant who asked Muhammad Ali to fasten his seat belt. Ali replied, “Superman don’t need no seat belt.” The flight attendant’s retort: “Superman don’t need no airplane either.”

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Laurence Oliver funny quoteLaurence Oliver funny quote

Leading the blind

Seeing a male dog sniffing a female dog, the young daughter of Laurence Olivier asked Noël Coward what they were doing. Coward: “The one in front has suddenly gone blind and the other one has very kindly offered to push him.”

These hilarious dog puns will give you paws.

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Joe Pyne funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Wooden table

In the 1960s, Joe Pyne, one of the original shock jocks, apparently began an interview with Frank Zappa by saying, “So I guess your long hair makes you a woman.” Zappa responded, “So I guess your wooden leg makes you a table.”

Here are 22 Canadian comedians to watch out for—and their best jokes.

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Katharine Hepburn funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Didn’t act

Katharine Hepburn so hated filming a movie with John Barrymore, she declared, “Mr. Barrymore, I am never going to act with you again.” Barrymore replied, “My dear, you still haven’t.”

Here’s every Oscar best picture winner ranked—from worst to best.

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Kevin smith funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Batman

Director/writer Kevin Smith told Tim Burton that Burton’s Planet of the Apes reminded him of a comic book he’d written. Burton responded, “Everyone knows I never read comics.” Smith shot back, “That explains Batman.”

Find out the most popular movie the year you were born.

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Marc Connelly funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Smooth Operator

An acquaintance walked past Algonquin Round Table member Marc Connelly and ran a hand over Connelly’s bald pate. “That feels just as smooth and as nice as my wife’s behind,” he said. Connelly, running his own hand over his head, remarked, “So it does!”

These funny photos will make you laugh out loud.

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Leonard Nimoy funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Dreams of Nimoy

Leonard Nimoy was asked by a woman, “Are you aware that you [as Spock] are the source of erotic dream material for ladies around the world?” Nimoy’s reply: “May all your dreams come true.”

Got a soft spot for sci-fi? Don’t miss these inspiring Doctor Who quotes.

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Dennis Miller funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

The three Rs

“You know there’s a problem when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R.” —Dennis Miller, comedian

Do you tend to have trouble making it to the punchline? Here are 75 short jokes anyone can remember.

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oscar wilde funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Carelessness

“To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.” —Oscar Wilde

Don’t miss these funny tweets every parent can relate to.

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Billy Wilder funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

No ear

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” —Billy Wilder, director

Having a manic Monday? These jokes about work will help you get through the week.

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Bette Midler funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Nature lover

“She loves nature in spite of what it did to her.” —Bette Midler

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No men

“Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.” —Nicole Hollander, cartoonist

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Funniest quotes of all time - Stephen KingPhoto: RD.com

Stephen King on writing

“The road to hell is paved with adverbs.” —Stephen King

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W.C. Fields funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Smile on

“Start every day with a smile and get over it.” —W. C. Fields (attributed)

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Jessica Biel funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Miranda personality

“I wish I had the confidence of the woman who boldly admits she’s the Miranda of her crew.” —Jessica Biel, actress

These work-friendly jokes will still crack you up.

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Dorothy Parker funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Look at the rich

“Want to know what God thinks of money? Look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker, writer

These funny Google searches will make you wonder, “Who’s asking these questions, anyway?”

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Aisha Tyler funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Sing it out

“Karaoke is the great equalizer.” —Aisha Tyler, talk show host

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Stepen Hawking funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Crossing the road

“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is pre­determined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.” —Stephen Hawking, physicist

There’s a surprisingly humorous side to Stephen Hawking you didn’t know about.

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Neil DeGrasse tyson funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Insurance gods

“The only people who still call hurricanes acts of God are the people who write insurance forms.” —Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist. 

Don’t miss these funny (but true!) tales of the world’s dumbest criminals.

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Richard Dawkins funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Open-minded

“By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.” —Richard Dawkins, scientist

Check out our all-time funniest work jokes.

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Molly Ivins funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Narrow-minded

“He was so narrow-minded, he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.” —Molly Ivins, author

Looking for more LOLs? Don’t miss this hilarious collection of corny jokes.

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Kenneth Cole funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Family debate

“I’ve come to learn that the best time to debate family members is when they have food in their mouths.” —Kenneth Cole, fashion designer

Grab your mouse ears and have a chuckle at these Disney jokes.

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Clint Eastwood funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Marriage from heaven

“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” —Clint Eastwood

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Socrates funny quotesNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Get married

“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.”  —Socrates

Take our Word Power challenge and test your knowledge of philosophy terms.

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Will ferrell funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Slow computer test

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell

Everyone can relate to these funny tweets about technology.

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Butch Hancock funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Someone you love

“Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love.” —Butch Hancock, country musician. 

These funny phrases are definitely worth memorizing.

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Rod Stewart funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Marriage gift

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” —Rod Stewart, rock star

These jokes about marriage are so accurate they’ll have you cracking up.

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Alex Woollcott funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Everything has a consequence

“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott, actor

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Louis CK funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Bacon is everything

“When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn’t matter who’s president.” —Louis CK

Don’t miss these surprisingly inspirational quotes from the world’s funniest comedians.

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George Raft funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Spending foolishly

“Part of [the $10 million] went for gambling, horses, and women. The rest I spent foolishly.” —George Raft, film star

These working from home memes are hilariously accurate.

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Charles Barkley funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

No character

“I was going to sue for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character.” —Charles Barkley, TV basketball analyst

These hilarious family stories are guaranteed to make you laugh out loud.

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Johnny Carson funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Don’t give up the good stuff

“I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.” —Johnny Carson

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Samuel Johnson funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Very dull

“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.” —Samuel Johnson, 18th-century author

Relive the history of the world in dumb jokes.

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Pauline Kael funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Nose flair

“Her only flair is in her nostrils.” —Pauline Kael, film critic

For more groan-worthy humour, find out what would happen if the person who named walkie-talkies named everything.

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Funniest quotes of all time - Jim Carrey on taking risksPhoto: RD.com

Jim Carrey on taking risks

“You can fail at what you don’t want—so you might as well take a chance at doing what you love.” —Jim Carrey

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Jean Webster funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

No ideas

“She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.” —Jean Webster, author

Calling all word nerds! You’ll love these clever thesaurus jokes.

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Abraham Lincoln funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Smallest ideas

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”  —Abraham Lincoln

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Henry Clapp funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Worshiping himself

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” —Henry Clapp, newspaper editor

These funny sleep jokes will have you laughing in bed.

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Funniest quotes of all time - readingPhoto: RD.com

Opting out

“A note from a student’s mother: ‘Please excuse Chris from reading, because he doesn’t like it.’” —Roy Hartley

You won’t believe these ridiculous excuses people actually used to get out of work!

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Isaac Asimov funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Know it alls

“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” —Isaac Asimov, science fiction writer

It doesn’t have to be April Fool’s Day to appreciate these hilarious real life prank stories!

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Robert Benchley funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Dog teacher

“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley, humourist

Here are 15 hilarious dog memes you’ll want to share right now.

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Cats versus dogs

“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez, producer

Don’t miss this gallery of funny farm animals!

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Holy wine

“Wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy.” —Benjamin Franklin

Americans don’t have a monopoly on humour! Check out the funniest Canadian quotes of all time.

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Steve Mirsky funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Superior beer

“Why beer is better than wine: human feet are conspicuously absent from beer making.” —Steve Mirsky, author

Check out these witty bar jokes anyone can remember.

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PJ O'Rourke funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Government landscaping

“The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove crabgrass on your lawn.” —P. J. O’Rourke, writer

These hilarious golf jokes are better than a hole in one.

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P.J. O'Rourke funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Failing government

“The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work, and then they get elected and prove it.” —P. J. O’Rourke, writer

Looking for a quick chuckle? These funny limericks should do the trick!

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Trash run

“I’ve been married to one Marxist and one Fascist, and neither one would take the garbage out.” —Lee Grant, actress

These bad dad jokes are sure to make you laugh out loud.

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Cher funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Marrying nothing

“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him.” —Cher

These popular song lyrics don’t mean what you think they do.

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Fiction

“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.” —Tom Clancy, author

These funny tweets about food are sure to put a smile on your face.

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reading health booksNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Read up

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain

You’ll get a kick out of these hilarious thesaurus mistakes.

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Optimism

“An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, ‘So far so good!’” —Anonymous

These hilarious history jokes are sure to make you snicker.

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Versus pessimism

“The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.” —George Will, columnist

Don’t miss these bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at.

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Blondes

“I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb … and I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton

Don’t miss this side-splitting roundup of the funniest song titles ever.

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Raymond Chandler funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Versus brunettes

“It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained-glass window.” —Raymond Chandler, author

Don’t miss these funny doctor jokes.

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Walter Kerr funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Delusions

“He suffers from delusions of adequacy.” —Walter Kerr, critic

Check out these up-and-coming Canadian comedians—and their best jokes!

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Brendan Behan funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Critics

“Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it’s done, they’ve seen it done every day, but they’re unable to do it themselves.” —Brendan Behan, Irish author

These hilarious DIY jokes will bring down the house!

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Mark Twain funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Reports of death

“The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.” —Mark Twain

Here are nine more famous quotes everybody gets wrong.

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Albert Einstein funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Infinite things

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” —Albert Einstein

Einstein himself would appreciate these hilarious physics jokes.

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Good girls

“Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.” —Helen Gurley Brown, former editor of Cosmopolitan. If you’re enjoying this list of the funniest quotes of all time, you’ll love this collection of hilarious tweets.

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will rogers funny quotesNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Stupidity

“If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?” —Will Rogers

You won’t believe these funny classified ads actually ran!

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Not a fan favourite

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” —Oscar Wilde

These funny work cartoons were made for sharing at the office.

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Speaking of the dead


“They say you shouldn’t say anything about the dead unless it’s good. He’s dead. Good.” —Moms Mabley

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Washington D.C.

“Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.” —President John F. Kennedy

Speaking of Northern charm, get a load of these hilarious Canadian headlines.

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Trouble, trouble, trouble

“The trouble with this country is that there are too many people going about saying, ‘The trouble with this country is …’” —Sinclair Lewis

After you’ve memorized these funniest quotes of all time, check out our best-ever Reader’s Digest jokes.

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Prodigy

When a fan asked Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart for tips on writing symphonies, the composer is said to have suggested, “Begin with some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony.” “But Herr Mozart,” replied the fan, “you were writing symphonies when you were eight.” “Yes,” said Mozart. “But I never asked anybody.”

Having trouble finding the right words for a birthday greeting? These hilarious birthday jokes are guaranteed to get a laugh.

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Funniest quotes of all time - ATMPhoto: RD.com

Cash flow problem

“Filling out a credit card application, my friend came upon this question: ‘What is your source of income?’ She wrote: ‘ATM.’” —Michael Mcrae 

Now that you know the funniest quotes of all time, check out our best short jokes!

Originally Published on Reader's Digest