The 75 Funniest Quotes of All Time

Your complete guide to witticisms, quips, retorts, rejoinders and pithy replies for every occasion.

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Kellie Pickler funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

What defines a country?

“I thought Europe was a country.” —Kellie Pickler, country music singer. 

If you agree with the fact that these are the funniest quotes, you'll also enjoy the funniest one-liners on the Internet.

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Stephen Colbert funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Founding Fathers

“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.” —Stephen Colbert

You won't believe these 50 things are banned in the U.S.

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Donald Trump funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Lion versus sheep

“It is better to live one day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep.” —Donald Trump (retweeting a Benito Mussolini quote)

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Woody Allen funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

No sleep

“The lion shall lie down with the calf, but the calf won’t get much sleep.” —Woody Allen

These hilarious yearbook quotes will crack you up.

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Tara Reid funny quoteImage: Nicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Smart scientist

“I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.”  —Tara Reid, actress

You'll want to keep these hilarious comebacks handy!

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Billy Connolly funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Music smarts

“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.” —Billy Connolly, actor

Don't miss these wise The Sopranos quotes to live your life by.

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Kanye West funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Designer dreams

“I won’t go into a big spiel about reincarnation, but the first time 
I was in the Gucci store in Chicago was the closest I’ve ever felt 
to home.” —Kanye West, rap artist

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Shane Richie funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Former life

“I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.” —Shane Richie, British actor

Don't miss the funniest royal family moments in pictures.

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Axl Rose funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Relationships

“It’s really hard to maintain a 
one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.” —Axl Rose, lead singer of Guns N’ Roses. 

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bigamyNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Husbands

“Bigamy is 
having one husband too many. 
Monogamy is the same.” —Anonymous

Don't miss the funniest lawyer jokes of all time.

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Winston Churchill funny quote

Poison for breakfast

Following an argument, an 
angry Lady Astor told Winston Churchill, “Winston, if you were 
my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee.” Churchill snapped, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

For more (dramatized) bon mots from Churchill, check out this roundup of unforgettable The Crown quotes.

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Mick Jagger funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Funny wrinkles

When Mick Jagger insisted that his wrinkles were actually laugh lines, jazz singer George Melly replied, “Surely nothing could be that funny.”

Speaking of funny, these hilarious dog memes are sure to crack a smile.

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Muhammed Ali funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Superman

A sports columnist recalled the story of a flight attendant who asked Muhammad Ali to fasten his seat belt. Ali replied, “Superman don’t need no seat belt.” The flight attendant’s retort: “Superman don’t need no airplane either.”

Speaking of superpowers, these inspiring Stan Lee quotes are downright heroic.

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Laurence Oliver funny quoteLaurence Oliver funny quote

Leading the blind

Seeing a male dog sniffing a 
female dog, the young daughter of Laurence Olivier asked Noël Coward what they were doing. Coward: “The one in front has suddenly gone blind and the other one has very kindly offered to push him.” These inspiring Ernest Hemingway quotes will make you see the glass half full.

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Joe Pyne funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Wooden table

In the 1960s, Joe Pyne, one of 
the original shock jocks, apparently began an interview with Frank 
Zappa by saying, “So I guess your long hair makes you a woman.” Zappa responded, “So I guess your wooden leg makes you a table.”

Here are 22 Canadian comedians to watch out for—and their best jokes.

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Katharine Hepburn funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Didn't act

Katharine Hepburn so hated filming a movie with John Barrymore, she declared, “Mr. Barrymore, I am never going to act with you again.” Barrymore replied, “My dear, you still haven’t.”

Here's every Oscar best picture winner ranked—from worst to best.

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Kevin smith funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Batman

Director/writer Kevin Smith 
told Tim Burton that Burton’s Planet of the Apes reminded him of 
a comic book he’d written. Burton responded, “Everyone knows I never read comics.” Smith shot back, “That explains Batman.”

Find out the most popular movie the year you were born.

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Marc Connelly funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Smooth Operator

An acquaintance walked past Algonquin Round Table member Marc Connelly and ran a hand over Connelly’s bald pate. “That feels 
just as smooth and as nice as my wife’s behind,” he said. Connelly,
 running his own hand over his 
head, remarked, “So it does!” If you need a break from laughing at the funniest quotes ever, check out these insightful, inspiring and just plain wise quotes from the Dalai Lama.

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Leonard Nimoy funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Dreams of Nimoy

Leonard Nimoy was asked by a woman, “Are you aware that you [as Spock] are the source of erotic dream material for ladies around the world?” Nimoy’s reply: “May all your dreams come true.”

Got a soft spot for sci-fi? Don't miss these inspiring Doctor Who quotes.

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Dennis Miller funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

The three Rs

“You know there’s a problem when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R.” —Dennis Miller, comedian

Do you tend to have trouble making it to the punchline? Here are 75 short jokes anyone can remember.

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oscar wilde funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Carelessness

“To lose 
one parent may be 
regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.” —Oscar Wilde

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Billy Wilder funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

No ear

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” —Billy Wilder, director

Having a manic Monday? These jokes about work will help you get through the week.

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Bette Midler funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Nature lover

“She loves nature in spite of what it did to her.” —Bette Midler

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Nicole Hollander funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

No men

“Can 
you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.” —Nicole Hollander, cartoonist. Are you cracking up from the funniest quotes of all time? These hilarious dog cartoons will also tickle your ribs.

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W.C. Fields funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Smile on

“Start every day with a smile and get over it.” —W. C. Fields (attributed)

Are you enjoying these funniest quotes? Check out the most inspiring Indian quotes of all time.

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Jessica Biel funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Miranda personality

“I wish I had the confidence of the woman who boldly admits she’s the 
Miranda of her crew.” —Jessica Biel, actress

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Dorothy Parker funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Look at the rich

“Want to know what God thinks of money? Look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker, writer

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Aisha Tyler funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Sing it out

“Karaoke is the great equalizer.” —Aisha Tyler, talk show host

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Stepen Hawking funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Crossing the road

“I have noticed that even 
people who claim everything is pre­determined and that we can do nothing to change it look 
before they cross the road.” —Stephen Hawking, physicist

There's a surprisingly humorous side to Stephen Hawking you didn't know about.

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Neil DeGrasse tyson funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Insurance gods

“The only people who still 
call hurricanes acts of God are the people who write insurance forms.” —Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist. Hilarious quotes are great, but sometimes we need photos to get that extra laugh. Check out these funny animal pictures.

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Richard Dawkins funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Open-minded

“By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.” —Richard Dawkins, scientist

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Molly Ivins funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Narrow-minded

“He was so narrow-minded, 
he could see through a 
keyhole with both eyes.” —Molly Ivins, author

Looking for more LOLs? Don't miss this hilarious collection of corny jokes.

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Kenneth Cole funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Family debate

“I’ve come to learn that the best 
time to debate family members 
is when they have food in 
their mouths.” —Kenneth Cole, fashion designer

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Clint Eastwood funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Marriage from heaven

“They say marriages are made 
in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” —Clint Eastwood. A lot of hilarious quotes are about marriage, but you'll also want to read these Downton Abbey quotes that will warm your heart.

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Socrates funny quotesNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Get married

“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher."  —Socrates

Take our Word Power challenge and test your knowledge of philosophy terms.

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Will ferrell funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Slow computer test

“Before you marry a person, 
you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet 
service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell

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Butch Hancock funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Someone you love

“Life in Lubbock, Texas, 
taught me that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, 
and you should save it for someone you love.” —Butch Hancock, country musician. 

These funny phrases are definitely worth memorizing.

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Rod Stewart funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Marriage gift

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” —Rod Stewart, rock star

Looking for a quick chuckle? These funny limericks should do the trick!

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Alex Woollcott funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Everything has a consequence

“All the things I like to do are 
either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott, actor

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Louis CK funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Bacon is everything

“When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn’t matter who’s president.” —Louis CK

Don't miss these surprisingly inspirational quotes from the world's funniest comedians.

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George Raft funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Spending foolishly

“Part of [the $10 million] went 
for gambling, horses, and women. The rest I spent foolishly.” —George Raft, film star

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Charles Barkley funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

No character

“I was going to sue for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character.” —Charles Barkley, TV basketball analyst

These hilarious family stories are guaranteed to make you laugh out loud.

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Johnny Carson funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Don't give up the good stuff

“I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.” —Johnny Carson

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Samuel Johnson funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Very dull

“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.” —Samuel Johnson, 18th-century author

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Pauline Kael funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Nose flair

“Her only flair is in her nostrils.” —Pauline Kael, film critic. These jokes about marriage are so accurate they'll have you cracking up.

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Jean Webster funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

No ideas

“She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.” —Jean Webster, author

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Abraham Lincoln funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Smallest ideas

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”  —Abraham Lincoln

You won't believe these ridiculous excuses people actually used to get out of work.

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Henry Clapp funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Worshiping himself

“He is a self-made man and 
worships his creator.” —Henry Clapp, newspaper editor

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Isaac Asimov funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Know it alls

“People who think they know 
everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” —Isaac Asimov, science fiction writer

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Robert Benchley funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Dog teacher

“A dog teaches a boy 
fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley, humourist

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Jeff Valdez funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Cats versus dogs

“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez, producer

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Benjamin Franklin funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Holy wine

“Wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy.” —Benjamin Franklin

Americans don't have a monopoly on humour! Check out the funniest Canadian quotes of all time.

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Steve Mirsky funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Superior beer

“Why beer is better than wine: human feet are 
conspicuously absent from beer making.” —Steve Mirsky, author

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PJ O'Rourke funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Government landscaping

“The Democrats are the party that says government 
will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove crabgrass 
on your lawn.” —P. J. O’Rourke, writer

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P.J. O'Rourke funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Failing government

“The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work, and then they get elected and prove it.” —P. J. O’Rourke, writer

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Lee Grant funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Trash run

“I’ve been married to 
one Marxist and one Fascist, and 
neither one would take the 
garbage out.” —Lee Grant, actress

In the mood for love? You'll swoon over the 15 most romantic quotes from books.

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Cher funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Marrying nothing

“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him.” —Cher

These popular song lyrics don't mean what you think they do.

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Tom ClancyNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Fiction

“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.” —Tom Clancy, author

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reading health booksNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Read up

“Be careful about reading health books. 
You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain

These hilarious history jokes are sure to make you snicker.

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anonymous funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Optimism

“An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, ‘So far so good!’” —Anonymous

Could you use a hit of optimism? These inspiring hope quotes will instantly lift you up.

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George Will funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Versus pessimism

“The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly 
surprised.” —George Will, columnist

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Dolly Parton funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Blondes

“I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb ... and I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton

Looking for some wise words? Here are 15 profound The Good Place quotes to live your life by.

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Raymond Chandler funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Versus brunettes

“It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained-glass window.” —Raymond Chandler, author

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Walter Kerr funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Delusions

“He suffers from delusions of adequacy.” —Walter Kerr, critic

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Brendan Behan funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Critics

“Critics are 
like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it’s done, they’ve seen it done every day, but they’re 
unable to do it themselves.” —Brendan Behan, Irish author

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Mark Twain funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Reports of death

“The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.” —Mark Twain

Here are nine more famous quotes everybody gets wrong.

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Albert Einstein funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Infinite things

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not 
sure about the universe.” —Albert Einstein

Einstein himself would appreciate these hilarious physics jokes.

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Helen Gurley Brown funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Good girls

“Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.” —Helen Gurley Brown, former editor of Cosmopolitan. If you're enjoying this list of the funniest quotes of all time, you'll also enjoy these funny work cartoons.

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will rogers funny quotesNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Stupidity

“If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?” —Will Rogers

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Oscar Wilde funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Not a fan favourite

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” —Oscar Wilde

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Moms Mabley funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Speaking of the dead

“They say you shouldn’t say anything about the dead unless it’s good. 
He’s dead. Good.” —Moms Mabley

Having trouble with these inscription on a birthday card? These hilarious birthday jokes are guaranteed to get a laugh.

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President John F. Kennedy funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Washington D.C.

“Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.” —President John F. Kennedy

Speaking of Northern charm, get a load of these hilarious Canadian headlines.

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Sinclair Lewis funny quoteNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Trouble, trouble, trouble

“The trouble with this country is that there are too many people going 
about saying, ‘The trouble with this country is …’” —Sinclair Lewis

Don't miss the funniest political insults of all time.

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Prodigy

When a fan asked Wolfgang 
Amadeus Mozart for tips on writing symphonies, the composer 
is said to have suggested, “Begin with some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony.” “But Herr Mozart,” replied the fan, “you were writing symphonies when you were eight.” “Yes,” said Mozart. “But I never asked anybody.” Now that you know the funniest quotes of all time, check out the funniest Reader's Digest jokes ever!

Originally Published on Reader's Digest