A Trusted Friend in a Complicated World

30 Best Comebacks and Good Roasts for Any Situation

Ever thought of the perfect comeback ... after the fact? Here are the best comebacks for your sassy and savage future moments.

Smiling woman with finger on face, surrounded by speech bubbles containing comebacks and roasts.
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The best comebacks for all your clap-back needs

Have you ever dreamed of being effortlessly witty, delightfully dry, maybe even perfectly poised in any situation that calls for someone to check themselves? Well, here’s a secret: The best comebacks are prepared in advance! We’ve all had the experience of replaying a frustrating conversation or awkward social interaction back in our mind hours later, only to have the perfect one-liner come to us right when it’s least useful. Your pet probably appreciates how sharp and funny you are at home, but it sure would be nice to have some of that sass on hand when you need it.
While most of us have trouble formulating a sarcastic sentence under pressure, memorizing a few good comebacks will allow you to remain cool as a cucumber in any situation. If you, too, would like to be able to say what you mean at the time—instead of to yourself in the shower hours later—take a read through these roasts, then sleep easy in the knowledge that you’re going to come out the winner in any verbal duel. Sweet dreams!
Man with hands up delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "That sounds like a you problem."
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It’s not me, it’s you

“That sounds like a you problem.” This is one of those good comebacks for when your kids are making their lack of planning your emergency.

Smiling woman delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "Someday you'll go far..."
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Oh, the places you’ll go!

“Someday you’ll go far—and I really hope you stay there.”

Man with tongue out delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "Beauty is only skin deep..."
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This one cuts deep

“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.” This one comes from writer Dorothy Parker, the queen of good comebacks and funny insults.

Laughing man delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "That must suck."
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Love thy neighbor

“Oh, you don’t like being treated the way you treat me? That must suck.” Funny comebacks don’t always fit into not-so-funny situations.

Smiling man with arms crossed delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "I've been called worse things..."
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A political twist

“I’ve been called worse things by better men.” Pierre Trudeau, a Canadian politician, upon hearing Richard Nixon insulted him.

Smiling man delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "Oh, I'm sorry."
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Combat an interrupter

“Oh, I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?” This is one of those good comebacks for the person constantly stepping on your conversation.

Surprised man delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "You bring everyone a lot of joy..."
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This one’s for the killjoys

“You bring everyone a lot of joy … when you leave the room.” This one goes left, then right, then left again, salting the wound.

Laughing woman delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "Oops, my bad."
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Oh, baby!

“Oops, my bad. I could’ve sworn I was dealing with an adult.” This one is a little stealthy.

Surprised man delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "Did I invite you to my barbecue?"
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B.B.Quiet, please

“Did I invite you to my barbecue? Then why are you all up in my grill?” This is from The Clique, a popular teen series by author Lisi Harrison. Harrison rules when it comes to good comebacks.

Laughing woman delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "I'm an acquired taste."
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Savor this spicy line

“I’m an acquired taste. If you don’t like me, acquire some taste.” This one is applicable to many scenarios, so you’ll want to commit it to memory.

Pensive woman delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "I think you owe it an apology."
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Channel your inner Lorax

“Somewhere out there, a tree is tirelessly producing oxygen for you. I think you owe it an apology.”

Surprised woman delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "Well, the jerk store called..."
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Back to basics

“Well, the jerk store called, and they’re running out of you.” George Constanza of Seinfeld fame dropped this epic line.

Smiling woman pointing delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "What am I? Out of your league!"
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Punching below your weight

“A gross guy at a bar blurted out, ‘What ARE you?’ referring to my ethnic ambiguity,” shared one Buzzfeed contributor. “I ignored him and walked away with my friends, but what I should’ve said was ‘Out of your league.'”

Smiling laughing man delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "What, like it's hard?"
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The comeback is damning, your honor

Who could forget about the scene in Legally Blonde when Elle Woods’s loser ex-boyfriend condescendingly asks, “You got into Harvard Law?” to which Elle responds, “What, like it’s hard?”

Man miming a phone call delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "Hold on, I'm getting a call."
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Hang on, I need to take this

“The [fill in the blank] called. They want their [blank] back” never loses. And is adaptable to just about any jab thrown your way. Personally, we’re a fan of @generalgreviousdatingsim’s “I need to take this call, just hang on a second. It’s the circus. They’re asking for you. Apparently, they have a vacancy in clownery they think you’d be suited for.” Knocks ’em dead every time.

Laughing woman delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "Oooh, you wanna kiss me so bad."
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Lean in, big guy

Another comeback that doesn’t miss: “Oooh, you wanna kiss me so bad.” If someone is angry—or obsessed—enough with you, the insinuation that they in fact harbor affection toward you is all it takes to tilt a power struggle back in your favor. A little reverse psychology can work wonders.

Smiling woman pointing up delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "You smell like hot dog water."
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Burn (or grill, or boil—microwave even)

“I heard a kid tell one of his classmates that they ‘smell like hot dog water,'” shares one Buzzfeed contributor. A devastating blow to anyone who has ever experienced hot dog water, as well as hot dogs everywhere.

Smiling man looking up delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "Don't be sorry for who you are!"
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Sorry not sorry, as they say

“This exchange happened accidentally between me and my boyfriend the other day, and it’s been legendary for us ever since: After making an honest mistake he said, ‘Sorry, I’m an idiot.’ And I, wanting to reassure him but failing miserably, replied, ‘Don’t be sorry for who you are!'” shares another Buzzfeed contributor. Given the frequency of mock apologies in verbal squabbles, “don’t be sorry for who you are” is definitely one to keep in your pocket. One of the funniest one-liners on the Internet, if you ask me.

Smiling woman looking up delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "Your teeth aren't as white as they could be."
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Be specific

From Reddit user VigorousRapscallion: “I was playing a drinking game that involves rules being made on the fly. We had a no-swearing rule, and then an insult rule, which means they were G-rated insults. My friend is up and I’m the insultee and, without hesitation, she says, ‘Your teeth aren’t as white as they could be!’ I was flabbergasted. The complete lack of hesitation combined with the specificity of the insult was devastating.”

Man giving a thumbs down delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "I'm going to give it a thumbs down."
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Two thumbs down

“I accidentally cut someone off the other day, and instead of flipping me off, the guy gave me a big thumbs down out the window, and that hit harder,” shares Reddit user C0L0RBLINDz. Remember, thumbs are human beings’ greatest tools for a reason—use them.

Smiling woman delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "What are you gonna do?"
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When life gives you strawberry lemons …

This one might not be so universal, but—whew—does Buzzfeed contributor hollisl4d528cac4 have one that’ll stick in your mind. “One day in middle school my friends and I were all coincidentally wearing either pink or yellow shirts. We got into a fight with a random girl at the park, and when we were walking away she screamed after us, ‘What are you gonna do, strawberry lemonade?’”

Smiling woman pointing up delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "Better than anybody here!"
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Play silly games, win silly prizes

“My boss asked, ‘Can I ask a stupid question?’ My reply? ‘Better than anybody here.’ Luckily, my boss had a sense of humor,” shares one Buzzfeed contributor. Tread carefully with this one, friends!

Smiling woman pointing at herself delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain it to you."
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Let me draw you a picture

“I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain it to you” is another great one to keep in your pocket when someone is being willfully ignorant. Talk about a double whammy!

Laughing woman delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "I don't think about you at all."
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Who now?

Take a page from Don Draper’s book. In an episode of Mad Men, an adversarial colleague tells Don, “I feel bad for you.” To which Don cooly replies, “I don’t think about you at all.” Ouch. I guess that’s why they’re so mad.

Laughing woman delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "That's all you got lady..."
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Objection!

When a big-time lawyer rolls up on Erin Brockovich and blatantly challenges Brockovich’s knowledge and abilities, Julia Roberts’s character is quick to set her straight. The lawyer tries to save face with, “I think we got off on the wrong foot here,” and Brockovich quickly counters with “That’s all you got lady, two wrong feet and ugly shoes.” Save it for the next time someone is rude to you and tries to cry “wrong foot.”

Smiling woman with finger on chin delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "But you have heard of me!"
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A pirate’s life

Remember when Captain Jack Sparrow, under threat of capture and arrest, takes a moment to deliver a devastating zinger? His arresting officer claims, “You are without a doubt the worst pirate I’ve ever heard of.” “Ah,” replies Sparrow, “but you have heard of me.” There is no comeback like one that tosses your opponent’s words back at them!

Laughing woman delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "I'll never forget the first time we met..."
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Remember what?

“I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying” is an annihilating one-two punch. An atom bomb you can just drop and walk away from.

Laughing man delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you."
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Can’t argue with logic

“I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.” There is no greater punisher than objectivity sometimes, you know?

Laughing woman delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "We'll have to put a bag over that personality."
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A new twist on an old jab

“Your face is fine, but we’ll have to put a bag over that personality.” We would disintegrate on the spot if someone said this to us. This one is even better if you have a real bag to use as a prop.

Smiling woman delivering a comeback roast, speech bubble text: "Worry about your eyebrows."
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The nuclear route

“Don’t worry about me. Worry about your eyebrows.” And then watch this person’s eyebrows bounce up in alarm. This one is total warfare—only use if peace is not an option.

Additional reporting by Erin Kayata.

Sources:

  • Buzzfeed: “14 Hilarious Comebacks That Only Took People a Few Hours to Come Up With”
  • Buzzfeed: “23 Times Tumblr Had a Weird but Perfect Comeback Ready”
  • Buzzfeed: “18 Brutal but G-Rated Insults You Should Begin Using Immediately”
  • Reddit: “What is the harshest G-rated insult you have received?”
  • Buzzfeed: 18 Devastating Burns That People Have Had the Pleasure of Hearing”

Caroline Fanning
Caroline joined Reader’s Digest as an editorial intern in 2017 and has since risen through the ranks to editor. The RD List, "We Found a Fix" column and "Nicest Places in America" series are her dearest darlings. There is someone walking around Washington State with one of her stories tattooed on their bicep—her crowning achievement. She graduated from Stockton University in Atlantic City, New Jersey, in 2017 and currently lives and will likely expire in Asbury Park, New Jersey.