Only in Canada: The Funniest (True!) News Headlines From Across the Country
From a thoughtful thief returning a stolen car (with a full tank of a gas) to a multi-million dollar maple syrup heist, here are a few hilarious headlines that could only have happened in the Great White North.
“Saskatchewan RCMP head to ‘frosh’ party, bring chips, salsa”
When RCMP officers in Saskatchewan got wind of an underage party north of Regina, they decided to give partygoers a heads-up in the most Canadian way possible, Global News reported in 2015. “Thanks for the invite to the underage frosh party in the Lumsden area on Saturday night,” read a cheeky post from the Mounties on the party’s Facebook page. “Lumsden RCMP will bring chips and salsa and a choice of possible charges.” Indeed, the officers made good on their promise, setting up a check stop at the venue’s entrance to make sure no teenagers were drinking and driving.
“Goat ‘arrested’ after walking into Saskatchewan Tim Hortons, refusing to leave: ‘He was very unhappy’”
As Canada’s national police force, the RCMP is no stranger to odd complaints. Case in point: an autumn night in 2015 when officers were called to a Martensville, Saskatchewan, Tim Hortons to remove a goat that refused to leave, as reported by the National Post. “He was very unhappy with this so the members decided to take him home instead of to holding cells at detachment,” read a cheeky RCMP news release. Organizers of the University of Saskatchewan Rodeo later said that the goat escaped from their event the previous night.
Check out 10 fascinating Tim Hortons facts you probably didn’t know.
“Zamboni driver charged with impaired driving after damaging rink, police say”
The audience at a bantam hockey game in Ste. Anne, Manitoba, got more than they bargained for in the form of a drunk Zamboni driver crashing into the boards between periods. According to CBC, officials were forced to cancel the game due to the damaged rink. Local police later arrested and charged the intoxicated man with impaired driving, resisting arrest and refusing a breathalyzer.
Make sure you never say this to a Canadian.
“Three men sentenced for $18-million Quebec maple syrup heist”
The subject of one of the most audacious heists in Canadian history was a true Canadian staple: maple syrup. Between 2011 and 2012, nearly 3,000 tonnes of the sweet stuff—valued at $18 million—were stolen from a storage facility in Quebec. The mastermind, Richard Vallieres, was given an eight-year sentence and a $9.4 million fine in 2017, according to the Toronto Star; two other men were each given two-year jail terms. Thankfully, the stolen amount comprised barely one-tenth of Quebec’s maple syrup reserves.
Here are 10 must-try Canadian foods—and the best places in the country to find them.
“The most Canadian car thief ever returns stolen vehicle with full tank of gas”
In 2018, a Nova Scotia woman returned from shopping to find her car had vanished from the parking lot. But what looked like a carjacking wasn’t one at all: it turns out a motorist driving an identical vehicle had parked in the spot next to her and accidentally drove off in the wrong car! (How his key fob managed to work, we’ll never know.) Upon realizing his error, the mistaken motorist tracked the woman down and returned her car—with a full tank of gas. In true Maritime fashion, she reimbursed him!
Here’s another story that may convince you that Newfoundland is the kindest province.
“Have a good day: B.C. man politely asks family of bears to leave his yard”
When Jordan Cote of Sooke, B.C., found a black bear with two young cubs just metres away from his deck, he asked them to leave his property with customary Canadian politeness. “I need you guys to go,” Cote can be heard saying in a video of the incident he later posted to the “Meanwhile in Sooke” Facebook group. “I hope you enjoyed my yard. Have a good day.” In an interview with CTV News, Cote said he was shocked at how calm the mama bear remained.
Looking for more laughs? Here are the best Canadian jokes of all time.
“Snow go: Canadian winter festival cancelled because of snow”
Much of Canada experienced extreme cold and snowstorms at the beginning of 2019—and Montreal was no exception. As reported by CTV News, snowfall in the city was particularly heavy over the third weekend of January as temperatures dipped to a bone-chilling -29°C. An annual winter festival that takes place in Montreal Park even had to be cancelled! The name of the event? The Festival of Snow. (Oh, the irony!)
Here’s what one man wishes he’d known before moving to Montreal.
“Sask. ranchers stunned as beaver herds 150 cattle”
Beavers are fascinating animals: they’re capable of building giant dams, remain monogamous, and even have transparent “third eyelids” that act as underwater goggles. Another fun fact: they can act as herders! In 2017, Saskatchewan rancher Adrienne Ivey and her husband were surprised to see 150 of their heifers crowded together on their pasture. Upon closer investigation, they realized that the cattle were following a single beaver that had wandered onto their ranch.
Don’t miss these quirky roadside attractions across Canada.
“Gray jay? Canadians ruffled over national bird they’ve never heard of”
The Royal Canadian Geographic Society and its magazine, Canadian Geographic, ran a two-year National Bird Project, inviting the public to vote for their favourite winged wonders. In 2016, the verdict came in: the gray jay. As reported by CTV News, its selection ruffled some feathers, but the gray jay did have its defenders. “If you had to pick three characteristics of Canadians, they would be, I think, hardy, friendly and smart,” said David Bird, head of McGill University’s Avian Science and Conservation Centre. “And the gray jay epitomized all of those things.” The Government of Canada has yet to adopt any bird as a national symbol.
Check out these beautiful Canadian birds photographed by Our Canada readers.
“Canadians slowly but surely dropping the famous ‘eh’ from their speech, linguist says”
The one-word expression that came to define Canadian English—both within Canada and around the world—is disappearing, Sali Tagliamonte, a linguist at the University of Toronto, told Vancouver-based the Province in 2013. The word that’s pushing “eh” out of the way? According to Tagliamonte, the word “right” has replaced “eh” among young Canadians.
Find out the fascinating story behind the distinct language of Newfoundland.
“Hockey game breaks out after massive pileup on Quebec highway”
In January 2019, travellers found themselves waiting for Highway 40 near L’Assomption, Quebec, to re-open after a 50-car pileup. What’s notable is that they passed the time in the most Canadian way imaginable: they played an impromptu game of hockey on the road. Several people suffered minor injuries as a result of the pileup, but there’s no doubt the game of hockey helped turn a bad situation into something a bit more fun.
Here are 50 Canadian comedians to watch out for—and their best jokes.
“Teen charged for school bus joyride to Tim Hortons”
A 17-year-old resident of Oakville, Ont., faced charges in 2015 when he allegedly stole a school bus and took his friends for a ride through the streets of Hamilton, according to the Toronto Sun. The rogue teenagers were eventually arrested when police saw them getting out of the bus near a Tim Hortons. Upon checking the bus, police were able to determine that the 17-year-old had stolen it a full week prior to the joyride!
If you enjoyed these funny news headlines, be sure to check out our roundup of the 50 funniest town names across Canada.