47 of the Funniest One-Liners on the Internet
Nothing’s easier than a simple one-liner. From old favourites like Rodney Dangerfield to modern comedians like Jim Gaffigan, here are some of our favourites.
I spilled spot remover on my dog.
Now he’s gone. – Steven Wright
I could tell that my parents hated me.
My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. – Rodney Dangerfield
I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch.
My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. – Woody Allen
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years.
I didn’t want to interrupt her. – Rodney Dangerfield
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A cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant…
And orders a waiter. – Morey Amsterdam
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I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died. – Steven Wright
My one regret in life…
Is that I am not someone else. – Woody Allen
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I was such an ugly kid…
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. – Rodney Dangerfield
I am a man of my word.
And that word is “unreliable.” – Demitri Martin
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Why does man kill? He kills for food.
And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. – Woody Allen
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot.
But I always found them. – Rodney Dangerfield
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws.
Only catapults. – Demitri Martin
I did a sponsored walk once.
I raised so much money, I could afford a taxi. – Jimmy Carr
Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in?
Somebody’s making a penny. – Steven Wright
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People who live in glass houses…
Might as well answer the door. – Morey Amsterdam
There’s no business like show business…
But there are several businesses like accounting. – David Letterman
I like to go into The Body Shop and yell…
“I’ve already got one!” – Jimmy Carr
Big families are like waterbed stores.
They used to be everywhere and now they’re just weird. – Jim Gaffigan
Fall is my favourite season in Los Angeles.
Watching the birds change colour and fall from the trees. – David Letterman
It’s not that I’m afraid to die.
I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen
I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces.
When you finish it, it says “Go Outside.” – Demitri Martin
If Shaw and Einstein couldn’t beat death…
What chance have I got? – Mel Brooks
There should be a children’s song…
“If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.” – Jim Gaffigan
Critics can’t even make music…
By rubbing their back legs together. – Mel Brooks
The final test of fame…
Is to have a crazy person imagine they’re you. – Mel Brooks
I found there was only one way to look thin.
Hang out with fat people. – Rodney Dangerfield
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one.
So I got a cake. – Mitch Hedberg
I got a robe. It’s not a robe, really…
It’s just a towel that fits me. – Mitch Hedberg
How do you know when fish goes bad?
It smells like fish either way. – Jim Gaffigan
When you eat spicy food, you can lose your taste.
When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton. – Jimmy Carr
How fast does a zebra need to run…
Before it looks grey? – Demitri Martin
Playing Frisbee with a five-year-old is amazingly similar…
To just running after a Frisbee. – Jim Gaffigan