47 of the Funniest One-Liners on the Internet

I spilled spot remover on my dog.

Now he’s gone. – Steven Wright

These 20 dog puns will give you paws.

I could tell that my parents hated me.

My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. – Rodney Dangerfield

Learn the history of the world in 27 dumb jokes.

Dogs are forever…

In the pushup position. – Mitch Hedberg

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch.

My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. – Woody Allen

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years.

I didn’t want to interrupt her. – Rodney Dangerfield

Don’t miss these 50 bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at.

A cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant…

And orders a waiter. – Morey Amsterdam

You’ll definitely want to see these hilarious jokes from Canadian comedians.

I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards.

I got a full house and four people died. – Steven Wright

Congress is the finest group…

Money can buy. – Morey Amsterdam

My one regret in life…

Is that I am not someone else. – Woody Allen

Check out these LOL-worthy jokes about marriage.

I was such an ugly kid…

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. – Rodney Dangerfield

I am a man of my word.

And that word is “unreliable.” – Demitri Martin

These are the most LOL-worthy jokes in Reader’s Digest history.

New York now leads the world’s great cities…

In the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move. – David Letterman

Why does man kill? He kills for food.

And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. – Woody Allen

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot.

But I always found them. – Rodney Dangerfield

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.

You couldn’t park anywhere near the place. – Steven Wright

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws.

Only catapults. – Demitri Martin

I did a sponsored walk once.

I raised so much money, I could afford a taxi. – Jimmy Carr

Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in?

Somebody’s making a penny. – Steven Wright

Don’t miss these 20 grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate.

People who live in glass houses…

Might as well answer the door. – Morey Amsterdam

There’s no business like show business…

But there are several businesses like accounting. – David Letterman

These work jokes can defuse any awkward situation.

I’m astounded by people who want to know the universe…

When it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. – Woody Allen

I like to go into The Body Shop and yell…

“I’ve already got one!” – Jimmy Carr

Big families are like waterbed stores.

They used to be everywhere and now they’re just weird. – Jim Gaffigan

It’s a small world…

But I wouldn’t want to paint it. – Steven Wright

I wonder what the word “dots”…

Looks like in braille. – Demitri Martin

Fall is my favourite season in Los Angeles.

Watching the birds change colour and fall from the trees. – David Letterman

It’s not that I’m afraid to die.

I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen

These 34 quotes from famous Canadians will make you laugh out loud.

I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces.

When you finish it, it says “Go Outside.” – Demitri Martin

If Shaw and Einstein couldn’t beat death…

What chance have I got? – Mel Brooks

I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant.

Bcause the customer is always right. – Mitch Hedberg

There should be a children’s song…

“If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.” – Jim Gaffigan

Critics can’t even make music…

By rubbing their back legs together. – Mel Brooks

The robe is a lazy man’s…

Tuxedo. – Jim Gaffigan

The final test of fame…

Is to have a crazy person imagine they’re you. – Mel Brooks

Find out the fascinating origins of these seven classic jokes.

I found there was only one way to look thin.

Hang out with fat people. – Rodney Dangerfield

I’d hate to be a giraffe…

With a sore throat. – Mitch Hedberg

When someone close to you dies…

Move seats. – Jimmy Carr

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one.

So I got a cake. – Mitch Hedberg

I worry about my Nan.

If she falls, and no one’s around to hear it, does she make a sound? – Jimmy Carr

If God wanted us to fly…

He’d have given us tickets! – Mel Brooks

I got a robe. It’s not a robe, really…

It’s just a towel that fits me. – Mitch Hedberg

When you go to the mind reader.

Do you get half price? – David Letterman

How do you know when fish goes bad?

It smells like fish either way. – Jim Gaffigan

Here are 25 clever jokes that’ll make you sound smart.

When you eat spicy food, you can lose your taste.

When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton. – Jimmy Carr

Bad taste is simply saying the truth…

Before it should be said. – Mel Brooks

How fast does a zebra need to run…

Before it looks grey? – Demitri Martin

Playing Frisbee with a five-year-old is amazingly similar…

To just running after a Frisbee. – Jim Gaffigan

If you find these kinds of jokes funny, science says you’re insecure.

Originally published as 47 of the Funniest One-Liners on the Internet on ReadersDigest.com.