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47 of the Funniest One-Liners on the Internet

Nothing’s easier than a simple one-liner. From old favourites like Rodney Dangerfield to modern comedians like Jim Gaffigan, here are some of our favourites.

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I spilled spot remover on my dog.

Now he’s gone. – Steven Wright

These 20 dog puns will give you paws.

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Elderly couple holding a digital tablet laughingPhoto: Shutterstock

I could tell that my parents hated me.

My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. – Rodney Dangerfield

Learn the history of the world in 27 dumb jokes.

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Business woman in spectacles sitting at her desk in office and laughing. Woman sitting in office with laptop computer on her desk.Photo: Shutterstock

Dogs are forever…

In the pushup position. – Mitch Hedberg

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Happy millennial african american man laughing at joke hanging in pizzeria sharing pizza with best friends, smiling attractive black guy having fun talking to buddy sharing lunch at cafe restaurantPhoto: Shutterstock

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch.

My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. – Woody Allen

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Portrait of smiling senior couple sitting close together cuddling caringly and laughingat kitchen table with tea cups and homemade cookiesPhoto: Shutterstock

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years.

I didn’t want to interrupt her. – Rodney Dangerfield

Don’t miss these 50 bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at.

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four friends laughingPhoto: Shutterstock

A cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant…

And orders a waiter. – Morey Amsterdam

You’ll definitely want to see these hilarious jokes from Canadian comedians.

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Closeup portrait two surprised girls looking at cell phone, discussing latest gossip news, sharing intimate moments, shopping, laughing at what they see, isolated outdoors backgroundPhoto: Shutterstock

I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards.

I got a full house and four people died. – Steven Wright

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Young businesswoman laughing with colleagues while sitting at a table during a meeting in a modern officePhoto: Shutterstock

Congress is the finest group…

Money can buy. – Morey Amsterdam

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Two young men sitting on the steps and laughing, looking at the phonePhoto: Shutterstock

My one regret in life…

Is that I am not someone else. – Woody Allen

Check out these LOL-worthy jokes about marriage.

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Young happy Asian girls best friends laugh and smile while sitting and having fun with smart phone mobile indoor.Photo: Shutterstock

I was such an ugly kid…

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. – Rodney Dangerfield

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Happy casual beautiful woman with spread hands working on a laptop laying on the bed in the bedroomPhoto: Shutterstock

I am a man of my word.

And that word is “unreliable.” – Demitri Martin

These are the most LOL-worthy jokes in Reader’s Digest history.

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A happy young Indian woman looking in her phone and laughingPhoto: Shutterstock

New York now leads the world’s great cities…

In the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move. – David Letterman

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Great fun of working togetherPhoto: Shutterstock

Why does man kill? He kills for food.

And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. – Woody Allen

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Beautiful women using a laptop in the Street. Youth concept.Photo: Shutterstock

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot.

But I always found them. – Rodney Dangerfield

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Mature Female Friends Socializing In Backyard TogetherPhoto: Shutterstock

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.

You couldn’t park anywhere near the place. – Steven Wright

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Senior couple laughing while using digital tablet in bedroomPhoto: Shutterstock

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws.

Only catapults. – Demitri Martin

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Positive young woman reading funny sms message on modern smartphone and laughing while sitting in cafe interior at table with laptop computer and notepad.Smiling female chatting in social networksPhoto: Shutterstock

I did a sponsored walk once.

I raised so much money, I could afford a taxi. – Jimmy Carr

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Happy friends holding each otherPhoto: Shutterstock

Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in?

Somebody’s making a penny. – Steven Wright

Don’t miss these 20 grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate.

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Couple Adult Happiness Laughing Holiday ConceptPhoto: Shutterstock

People who live in glass houses…

Might as well answer the door. – Morey Amsterdam

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Cheerful cute young woman using laptop and laughing at homePhoto: Shutterstock

There’s no business like show business…

But there are several businesses like accounting. – David Letterman

These work jokes can defuse any awkward situation.

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Portrait of an elegant mature Asian woman laughing during the day. She's dressed professionally and leaning against a table in a coworking space, cafe or office in Asia. Photo: Shutterstock

I’m astounded by people who want to know the universe…

When it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. – Woody Allen

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Happy arabic young man giving high five to his friend. Group of mixed race people having fun in lounge barPhoto: Shutterstock

I like to go into The Body Shop and yell…

“I’ve already got one!” – Jimmy Carr

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Two cheerful girls in sunglasses having fun and walking on streetPhoto: Shutterstock

Big families are like waterbed stores.

They used to be everywhere and now they’re just weird. – Jim Gaffigan

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boy is laughing loudly in cafePhoto: Shutterstock

It’s a small world…

But I wouldn’t want to paint it. – Steven Wright

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Two young pretty girls in casual stylish wear laughing while sitting at cafePhoto: Shutterstock

I wonder what the word “dots”…

Looks like in braille. – Demitri Martin

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Cheerful multi-ethnic couple relaxing together on sofa with laptop and cup coffee. Smiling man and woman sitting on couch at home.Photo: Shutterstock

Fall is my favourite season in Los Angeles.

Watching the birds change colour and fall from the trees. – David Letterman

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laughing Senior woman using laptop for websurfing. Mature lady with cup of coffee watching funny movie.Photo: Shutterstock

It’s not that I’m afraid to die.

I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen

These 34 quotes from famous Canadians will make you laugh out loud.

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Joyful laughing african american couple looking at phonePhoto: Shutterstock

I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces.

When you finish it, it says “Go Outside.” – Demitri Martin

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group of multiethnic senior friends spending time together and laughingPhoto: Shutterstock

If Shaw and Einstein couldn’t beat death…

What chance have I got? – Mel Brooks

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Cheerful young man in trendy baseball cap watching funny video on mobile phone using 4G connection, smiling hipster guy reading good news from networks standing on wall promotional backgroundPhoto: Shutterstock

I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant.

Bcause the customer is always right. – Mitch Hedberg

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Happy family lies on bed and watching something on laptop.Laughing and fun.Photo: Shutterstock

There should be a children’s song…

“If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.” – Jim Gaffigan

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Portrait of smiling senior woman standing with her arms crossed and looking away at copy space against blue background. Caucasian middle aged female looking happily at copy space.Photo: Shutterstock

Critics can’t even make music…

By rubbing their back legs together. – Mel Brooks

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Photo of three young laughing colleagues sitting near coffee while work with laptops and notebook. Coworking.Photo: Shutterstock

The robe is a lazy man’s…

Tuxedo. – Jim Gaffigan

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Portrait of attractive young african man sitting with skateboard and using smart phonePhoto: Shutterstock

The final test of fame…

Is to have a crazy person imagine they’re you. – Mel Brooks

Find out the fascinating origins of these seven classic jokes.

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Side view shot of fit young woman standing outdoors, looking away and laughing. Happy female runner in sportswear in morning.Photo: Shutterstock

I found there was only one way to look thin.

Hang out with fat people. – Rodney Dangerfield

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Head and Shoulders of Young Woman with Red Hair Wearing Eyeglasses and Laughing Joyfully While Working on Computer with Over-Sized Monitor at Home in KitchenPhoto: Shutterstock

I’d hate to be a giraffe…

With a sore throat. – Mitch Hedberg

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Young Adult Female Runners Arms Around each other smiling in country fieldPhoto: Shutterstock

When someone close to you dies…

Move seats. – Jimmy Carr

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Group Of Friends In Caf�¢?? Relaxing TogetherPhoto: Shutterstock

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one.

So I got a cake. – Mitch Hedberg

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Senior woman enjoying a laugh with her granddaughter. They are sitting on the sofa together.Photo: Shutterstock

I worry about my Nan.

If she falls, and no one’s around to hear it, does she make a sound? – Jimmy Carr

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Brothers laughing and having fun.Photo: Shutterstock

If God wanted us to fly…

He’d have given us tickets! – Mel Brooks

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Laughing woman in marine shirt with curly hair over white wall. Toothy smile and red lips.Photo: Shutterstock

I got a robe. It’s not a robe, really…

It’s just a towel that fits me. – Mitch Hedberg

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Amazing girls laughing and having fun together.Photo: Shutterstock

When you go to the mind reader.

Do you get half price? – David Letterman

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Young African woman laughing while relaxing on her living room sofa browsing online with a digital tabletPhoto: Shutterstock

How do you know when fish goes bad?

It smells like fish either way. – Jim Gaffigan

Here are 25 clever jokes that’ll make you sound smart.

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Image of happy caucasian woman 20s laughing and talking on smartphone while using laptop in cafePhoto: Shutterstock

When you eat spicy food, you can lose your taste.

When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton. – Jimmy Carr

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Prosperous bearded entrepreneur watching business webinar online on website on laptop computer connected to wireless 4G internet while writing down notes for productive work sitting in officePhoto: Shutterstock

Bad taste is simply saying the truth…

Before it should be said. – Mel Brooks

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Positive granny with her friendsPhoto: Shutterstock

How fast does a zebra need to run…

Before it looks grey? – Demitri Martin

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Portrait of two attractive girls dressed in jeans blue and yellow jackets having fun and laughing against a black wall.Photo: Shutterstock

Playing Frisbee with a five-year-old is amazingly similar…

To just running after a Frisbee. – Jim Gaffigan

If you find these kinds of jokes funny, science says you’re insecure.

Originally Published on Reader's Digest