47 of the Funniest One-Liners on the Internet
Nothing’s easier than a simple one-liner. From old favourites like Rodney Dangerfield to modern comedians like Jim Gaffigan, here are some of our favourites.
I spilled spot remover on my dog.
Now he’s gone. – Steven Wright
I could tell that my parents hated me.
My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. – Rodney Dangerfield
I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch.
My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. – Woody Allen
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years.
I didn’t want to interrupt her. – Rodney Dangerfield
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A cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant…
And orders a waiter. – Morey Amsterdam
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My one regret in life…
Is that I am not someone else. – Woody Allen
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I am a man of my word.
And that word is “unreliable.” – Demitri Martin
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New York now leads the world’s great cities…
In the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move. – David Letterman
Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in?
Somebody’s making a penny. – Steven Wright
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There’s no business like show business…
But there are several businesses like accounting. – David Letterman
I’m astounded by people who want to know the universe…
When it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. – Woody Allen
Fall is my favourite season in Los Angeles.
Watching the birds change colour and fall from the trees. – David Letterman
It’s not that I’m afraid to die.
I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen
I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces.
When you finish it, it says “Go Outside.” – Demitri Martin
The final test of fame…
Is to have a crazy person imagine they’re you. – Mel Brooks
How do you know when fish goes bad?
It smells like fish either way. – Jim Gaffigan
When you eat spicy food, you can lose your taste.
When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton. – Jimmy Carr
Playing Frisbee with a five-year-old is amazingly similar…
To just running after a Frisbee. – Jim Gaffigan