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100+ Funny Jokes for the Holidays

'Tis the season to celebrate funny Christmas, Hanukkah and other holiday moments.

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Advent calendarPhoto: Shutterstock

Just Desserts

Q: Did you hear about the man who stole an Advent Calendar?

A: He got 25 days.

Not sure what presents to purchase this year? Our holiday gift guide has all the answers.

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Menorah and dreidelsPhoto: Shutterstock

Choose Your Own Spelling

Me: [Searches ‘Chanukah’]

Google: Did you mean Hanukkah?



We’ll bet you don’t know these fascinating facts about Hanukkah.

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Sheet music Photo: Shutterstock

Hip Hop Holiday

Q: What kind of Christmas music do elves like?

A: Wrap music!

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Christmas treePhoto: Shutterstock

The Most Punderful Time of the Year

You: I love this time of year!

Me: You mean you ‘ove’ it.

You: What?

Me: Because there’s Noël. —@tiemoose

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TundraPhoto: Shutterstock

Polar Opposites

People act like the North Pole and the South Pole are exactly the same, but really, there’s a whole world of difference between them.

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GeesePhoto: Shutterstock

Avian Obsession

“The Twelve Days of Christmas” is completely unrealistic. There is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds. —@TweetPotato314

Where do those birds even come from? Find out the origins of the twelve days of Christmas.

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Couple pulling Christmas treePhoto: Shutterstock

Famous Last Words

“Let’s go get a Christmas tree!” — A divorce story.


Here’s how you can overcome social anxiety this holiday season.

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TreadmillPhoto: Shutterstock

Achievable Goals

I bought a treadmill because my New Year’s resolution is to have more things to put my laundry on. —@danwlin

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Christmas tree left outsidePhoto: Shutterstock

Holiday Hit

“All that time spent selecting and decorating, and a week after [Christmas], you see the tree by the side of the road, like a mob hit. A car slows down, a door opens, and a tree rolls out.” —Jerry Seinfeld

Anyone can make these DIY Christmas decorations!

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SnowmanPhoto: Shutterstock

Frosty Gets Fit

Q: What do you call a snowman with a six pack?

A: An abdominal snowman.

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Cat in boxPhoto: Shutterstock

Feline Friends

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards or the cats who refuse to sign. —@Cpin42

These are the funniest Christmas family photos.

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Office Christmas partyPhoto: Shutterstock

World’s Worst Office Parties

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon asked people to submit their worst Christmas office party stories. Here’s what people sent in:

– I stayed sober to avoid embarrassing myself in front of my coworkers. Then my heel broke, and I fell into the punch bowl.

– My boss ordered two pizzas for 15 employees, then ate one all by herself.

– My coworker got so drunk, he asked his girlfriend whether she was single. She said yes.

– I did a Secret Santa gift exchange; mine got me a can of creamed corn.

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PumpkinsPhoto: Shutterstock

Two in One

My kids: Can we decorate for Christmas now?!

Me: Sure. [Puts Santa hat on pumpkin.] —@Manda_like_wine

These genius tips will make your holidays so much better.

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Peanut butter and jelly sandwichPhoto: Shutterstock


Q: What did the peanut butter say to the grape on Christmas?

A: ‘Tis the season to be jelly!

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Christmas wrapping paperPhoto: Shutterstock

Fast Wrapper

My wife: How many presents did you get wrapped?

Me [proudly]: Four.

Wife: In an hour?

Me: They were oddly shaped. —@dejavudad

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Family carolingPhoto: Shutterstock

Peace and Quiet

Q: What’s a parent’s favourite Christmas Carol?

A: Silent night!


This is how one night of carolling brought a small town together.

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Christmas tree orbPhoto: Shutterstock

One Step at a Time

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes. —@AbbyHasIssues

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Jingle bellsPhoto: Shutterstock

Create Your Own Carol

How to make a Christmas song:

  1. Add sleigh bells
  2. That’s it, you’re done —@MaxxSIO

You won’t be able to guess the oldest Christmas carol.

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Person mailing Christmas cardPhoto: Shutterstock

Mistaken Identity

Our new neighbours thought our Wi-Fi network was our last name. So when they gave us a Christmas card, they addressed it to “The Linksys Family.” —via

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Happy New Year signPhoto: Shutterstock

Starting Strong

My New Year’s resolution is to be more assertive, if that’s ok with you guys? —@megankcomedy

You won’t be able to stop laughing at these hilarious tweets.

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Santa and reindeerPhoto: Shutterstock

Bad Behaviour

Q: Which of Santa’s reindeer has the worst manners?

A: Rude-olph!

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BooksPhoto: Shutterstock

Bought or Borrowed

To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present…they’re due back at the library tomorrow. —@kellywithawhy

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Academy Award Winner

My performance in “I’m so sad I can’t make it to your Christmas party” is already generating Oscar buzz. —@RobinMcCauley

These are the best Christmas movies of all time.

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Family wearing fuzzy socksPhoto: Shutterstock

The First Noel

Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

A: It’s Christmas, Eve!

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Christmas presentsPhoto: Shutterstock

Why Stop at 12?

On the 13th day of Christmas, my true love said to me, “I think I might be a hoarder.” —Jen Statsky, writer

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The QueenPhoto: Featureflash Photo Agency / Shutterstock

Christmas with the Crown

Prince Philip looks out the window on Christmas Eve. “That’s some reindeer,” he says. The queen replies, “65 years. Yes, that is a lot.” —Via

You should live your life by these brilliant quotes from The Crown.

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Cat in Santa hatPhoto: Shutterstock

Forged Signature

For the longest time, I thought my mother, father, and cat all had the same handwriting. Then I found out Mom was just signing cards for all of them. —Michelle Wolf, comedian

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Gingerbread menPhoto: Shutterstock

Sweet Dreams

Q: What does the Gingerbread Man use to make his bed?

A: Cookie sheets!

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Office holiday partyPhoto: Shutterstock

Putting a Face to the Names

The office holiday party is a great place to meet everyone you’ve been emailing from ten feet away. —@someecards

These Christmas brain teasers are almost impossible to solve.

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Santa ClausPhoto: Shutterstock

Selling Out

Jeez, did Santa’s agent turn down a single commercial? —Jim Gaffigan, comedian

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Chinese New Year lanternsPhoto: Shutterstock

Second Chances

For those of you who have already failed your New Year’s resolution, like I have, there is always the Chinese New Year to try again. —@ThomasPankonin

Check out these Chinese New Year traditions we can all celebrate.

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Girl in elf outfitPhoto: Shutterstock

Seasonal Syntax

Q: What do you call Santa’s helpers?

A: Subordinate Clauses.

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LatkesPhoto: Shutterstock

Comfort Food

I understand now why Hanukkah happens when it does. We could all use a little light right now. And fried stuff. —Jess Zimmerman, editor

Read about one family’s annual Hanukkah tradition, complete with latkes and lakes.

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Christmas sheepPhoto: Shutterstock

Baa Humbug

Q: What’s a sheep’s favourite Christmas song?

A: Fleece Navidad.

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Kid in winter outfitPhoto: Shutterstock

Literally Christmas

It was the beginning of December. I noticed my four-year-old putting on her hat and coat, so I asked her where she was going. She said she wanted to see if Christmas was really just around the corner. —Lynn Krochak

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DreidelsPhoto: Shutterstock

Time for a Rewrite?

Think how much more exciting “Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel” would be if they’d written it after the dreidel was dry and ready. —@Mikelffingwell

Find out why Hanukkah changes dates each year.

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Gone to the Dogs

My mom is angry with me for letting the dogs see their presents before tomorrow morning. Apparently, I ruined their Christmas. —@akfarizel

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Empty walletPhoto: Shutterstock

Going for Broke

Q: What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

A: Saint Nickel-less.

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Santa Claus blowing snowPhoto: Shutterstock

Santa on the Brain

Christmas: the time when everyone gets Santamental.

These Christmas miracles will restore your hope for the holidays.

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The Ultimate Gift

One of my four nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to. —@Kendragarden

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Chimney with Santa's footPhoto: Shutterstock

Chimney Sweep

Q: What’s red and white and falls down chimneys?

A: Santa Klutz.

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Man putting Christmas lights on roofPhoto: Shutterstock

Christmas Wish

The older you get, the more holidays become about keeping your father off a ladder. —@shutupmikeginn

You probably don’t realize you’re making these holiday safety mistakes.

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Three wise menPhoto: Shutterstock

Try Again

At the Christmas Eve service at my church, the pastor, quizzing some children about the nativity, asked, “What gifts did the three wise men give the Christ child?”

“Gold!” yelled one child.

“Frankincense!” shouted another.

After a pause, a third asked, “Gift cards?”

—Alan Shaw

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Menorah lightingPhoto: Shutterstock

Hollywood Hanukkah

Christmas movies rebooted as Hanukkah movies:

Home Shalom

A Christmas Carole King

It’s a Wonderful Life When You Call Your Mother 


These are the best holiday episodes of TV shows on Netflix right now.

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Two snowmenPhoto: Shutterstock

The Nose Knows

Q: What did one snowman say to the other?

A: “Yeah, I smell carrots too.”

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Man in Santa hat on office floorPhoto: Shutterstock

Party Fouls

Employees who made their office Christmas parties memorable:

– The man who tried to photocopy his rear end, only to smash the glass and end up in the hospital.

– The manager who took his staff out for a three-course Christmas meal and “had an emergency” when dessert arrived, leaving his team with the bill.

– The poor soul who fell asleep on the toilet at a restaurant and woke up to find that the entire place was empty–and he was locked in.

—Coburg Banks

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Grumpy kid in santa hatPhoto: Shutterstock

The Non-Believer

Q: What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?

A: A rebel without a Claus.


These funny parenting tweets will make every parent smile.

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CucumbersPhoto: Shutterstock

In a Pickle

A co-worker was forced to participate in a $10 maximum Secret Santa one year. He protested by bringing cucumbers that cost $1 each. —@kingedhill

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Cherry brandyPhoto: Shutterstock

The Giving Spirit

Knowing that the pastor enjoyed his drink, a hotel owner offered him a case of cherry brandy for Christmas in exchange for a free ad in the church newsletter. The pastor agreed and ran this in the next issue: “The pastor would like to thank Patrick Smith for his kind gift of a crate of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given.” —via

This is what Christmas was like during the Great Depression.

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Merry Measurement

Q: What’s St. Nicholas’s favorite measurement in the metric system?

A: The Santameter!

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Record playerPhoto: Shutterstock

Too Soon

“It’s way too early for Christmas music.”

— People in the year 75 B.C. —@Online_Shawn

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Yule logPhoto: Shutterstock

Yuletide Visitors

Me: Knock! Knock!

You: Who’s there?

Me: Yule log.

You: Yule log who?

Me: Yule log the door after you let me in, won’t you?

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MenorahPhoto: Shutterstock

Small Blessings

The Hanukkah miracle is that the menorah oil lasted eight extra days. I re-create this miracle with every tube of toothpaste. —@daemonic3

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HollyPhoto: Shutterstock

Silver Screen

Q: Where do Christmas plants go to become stars?

A: Holly-wood!

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Red squirrel in winter landscapePhoto: Shutterstock

Into the Church

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.

Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

The origins of the Easter Bunny are more mysterious than you think!

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Santa hat and 'Bah humbug' lettersPhoto: Shutterstock

Scrooge Budget

Experts agree the best way to save money on gift giving this holiday season is by alienating all your friends and family. —@22_Minutes

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Canadian post officePhoto: ValeStock/Shutterstock


A woman goes to the post office and asks for 50 Hanukkah stamps.

“What denomination?” asks the clerk.

The woman says, “Six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”

We’ll bet you didn’t know these surprising facts about Christmas in Canada.

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Figgy puddingPhoto: Shutterstock

Instant Classic

“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”

“That’s right.”

“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”


“But it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“

“—Figgy pudding, yeah.”


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Christmas lights and starPhoto: Shutterstock

Good Lights

A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up.

“Great,” she said.

I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed.

“I don’t want this box,” she said abruptly. “It’s been opened.”

Here are the surprising pieces of Christmas trivia you never knew.

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Cat playing with ornamentPhoto: Shutterstock

Missing Evidence

“Google that and prove it.” —My six-year-old when I told her she’s not getting a cat because Santa is allergic to them. —@dooce

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Snow familyPhoto: Shutterstock

Snow Kids

Q: What do snowmen call their offspring?

A: Chill-dren!

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Santa wearing sunglassesPhoto: Shutterstock

Senior Citizens

You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger. Robert Paul

These stories about meeting Santa will fill you with the Christmas spirit!

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Dog in Santa hatPhoto: Shutterstock

Party Pup

“Oh, God, sorry, I’d love to talk and catch up, but, ah, man, I’m just…I’m petting this dog right now, so…” —Me, at a Christmas party


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Christmas coalPhoto: Shutterstock

Stop the Presses

These holiday headlines—concocted by the satirists at the Onion—are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth:

  • Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings
  • Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think
  • Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year
  • Book Given as Gift Actually Read

These are the fascinating origins of classic jokes.

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Lie detector testPhoto: Shutterstock

It’s the Thought That Counts

[Friend opens Christmas present.]

Me: It’s a lie detector.

Friend: Oh… I love it.

Me: [whispering] We’ll see.


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Christmas presentsPhoto: Shutterstock

Hiding the Presents

I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children, I had to find a suitable hiding place. I chose an ideal spot—the furnace room. I stacked the presents and covered them with a blanket, positive they’d remain undiscovered.

When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to “Mom and Dad, From the Kids.”

This is how to wrap Christmas presents like a pro.

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Kid with advent calendarPhoto: Shutterstock

Celebrating Early

According to this advent calendar I’m eating, Christmas was five minutes ago. —@Book_Krazy

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ThunderstormPhoto: Shutterstock

Stormy Weather

Q: How can Santa deliver presents during a thunderstorm?

A: His sleigh is flown by raindeer!

Can you find the doll hidden in a sea of toys?

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Wedding ringPhoto: Shutterstock

Engagement Party

If you like Christmas so much, why don’t you merry it? —@fro_vo

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ReceiptsPhoto: Shutterstock

Gift Exchange

My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____.” His response: “Receipts.”

Take a page out of Santa’s playbook with our helpful list of shopping dos and don’ts!

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Clean Slate

I have decided to leave my past behind me in the New Year, so if I owe you money…I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on. —@JayStewartPhoto

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Cookies and milk for SantaPhoto: Shutterstock

Limited Knowledge

As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. “No problem,” I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.

“You can’t do that,” argued my four-year-old.

“Don’t worry. Santa will never know.”

He shot me a look. “So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?”

Save time and money on your Christmas cookie baking with these genius hacks.

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Melting snowmanPhoto: Shutterstock

Spring Present

Top tip: this winter, hide a collection of bones in your snowman as a surprise for the children when it melts. —@MooseAllain

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Audience clappingPhoto: Shutterstock

Clapping for Christmas

Q: What do the elves call it when Father Christmas claps his hands at the end of a play?

A: Santapplause!

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Movie theatrePhoto: Shutterstock

Coming Soon

Just once I’d like to see a big event-movie trailer that opens with “THIS HANNUKAH, IN A THEATER NEAR YOU…” —@LostCatDog

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Man in Satan costumePhoto: Sergio Delle Vedove/Shutterstock

Odd Christmas Visit

From an article on the Woolacombe Bay Hotel in Devon, England: “Their three-night Christmas break includes a packed program of family entertainment, a crèche, excellent cuisine, and a visit from Satan.”

Don’t miss these Christmas traditions from around the world.

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Broken Christmas orbsPhoto: Shutterstock

A Delicate Process

How to Decorate a Christmas Tree When You Have Kids:
1. Unpack ornament
2. Drop repeatedly until it shatters into a million pieces
3. Repeat


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White shower curtainsPhoto: Shutterstock

Quick Cleanup

Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read “Thank you for not looking in the bathtub.”

Here’s what you should never post on social media during the holidays.

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Milk and cookiesPhoto: Shutterstock

The Way the Cookie Crumbles

The kids left “Santa” whole wheat cookies so Santa “forgot” to leave their presents. —@sammyrhodes

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Kid in front of 'show and tell' blackboardPhoto: Shutterstock


Q: What’s Jack Frost’s favourite part of the school day?

A: Snow and tell.

—Joshua S.

Want to make the perfect snowman? Check out these tips!

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SpidermanPhoto: Alexander Tolstykh / Shutterstock

Dangerous Questions

Four-year-old: Is Santa real?

Me: No.

Four-year-old: What about the Easter Bunny?

Me: No.

Four-year-old: Spiderman?

Me: You better hope Spiderman didn’t hear that.


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Office Christmas partyPhoto: Shutterstock

Post Holiday Blues

A waitress at our restaurant had a change of clothes stolen from the break room. Making matters worse, she’d planned on wearing them to the Christmas party.

As a brand-new employee, I didn’t know any of this backstory, so I was a bit surprised to find this indignant note posted on the community board: “It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found my clothes.”

From over-salted soups to tipsy guests, we’ve got every Christmas dinner disaster covered.

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Sheep in santa hatPhoto: Shutterstock

Shear the Spirit

Q: What do sheep say to shepherds at Christmastime?

A: Season’s bleatings!

These are the weirdest things people have found after the snow melted.

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Church parking lot signPhoto: Shutterstock

Easy to Forgive

Late for a seminar and unable to find parking, I pulled into a spot behind a church. It was only after I’d gotten out of the car that I spotted this sign: “No parking. Forgiveness is our business, but don’t make it harder than it already is.”

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Santa jumping between housesPhoto: Shutterstock

Doesn’t Add Up

Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don’t get how they made it to all those houses in one night. —@KenJennings

These are the funniest jokes in Reader’s Digest history!

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Empty church pewsPhoto: Shutterstock

Waiting for Christmas

My wife took our three-year-old to church for the first time. Getting impatient while waiting for the Mass to start, he turned to her and asked, “What time does Jesus get here?”

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Notepad Photo: Shutterstock

Time Flies

Jan. 1: Made my New Year’s Resolution.
Jan. 2: Okay, I’m gonna start it today.
Jan. 3: Okay, I mean it now.
Dec. 31: Damn, that went by quickly. Guess I’ll try again tomorrow!


These New Year’s resolutions are actually easy to keep!

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Priest giving sermonPhoto: Andre Silva Pinto/Shutterstock

Christmas Eve Service

Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, “Now, where was I?”

A tired voice called out, “Right near the end!”

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Person putting up Christmas lightsPhoto: Shutterstock

Human Hubris

The amount of time and energy we spend putting up and taking down holiday decorations tells me our ‘top of the food chain’ claim is invalid. —@LindaInDisguise

If you want to sound smart, try out some of these clever jokes.

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Christmas tree with giftsPhoto: Shutterstock

Interesting Gifts

For Christmas, I gave my kid a BB gun. He gave me a sweater with a bull’s-eye on the back.

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Phone on low batteryPhoto: Shutterstock

A True Miracle

Imagine if your cell phone battery was on ten per cent and it lasted for eight days. Now you understand Hanukkah. —@HolyGhostNYC

Keep laughing with these short jokes anyone can remember.

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Graphic of heavenPhoto: Shutterstock

Entrance to Heaven

Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they’re met by St. Peter. “In order to get in,” he tells them, “you must each produce something representative of the holidays.”

The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. “This represents a candle of hope.” Impressed, Peter lets him in.

The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. “These are bells.” He’s allowed in too.

“So,” Peter says to the third man, “what do you have?”

The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.

“What do these have to do with Christmas?” asks Peter.

“They’re Carol’s.”

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Man committing identity theftPhoto: Shutterstock

Reinvent Yourself

“New year, new me,” is a fun thing to say while committing identity theft. —@joshgondelman

Celebrate the new year with these traditions from around the world.

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ReindeerPhoto: Shutterstock

Bad Grades for Rudolph

Q: “Why didn’t Rudolph get a good report card?”
A: “Because he went down in History.”

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BatteriesPhoto: Shutterstock

Better Luck Next Year

I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “Toys not included.” —Bernard Manning

Test your smarts with these hilarious history jokes.

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Alternate History

My mother cast one of her students as the innkeeper for the Christmas pageant. All the third grader had to do was tell Joseph, “There is no room at the inn.”

But during the performance—after Joseph begged for a room for his pregnant wife—the boy didn’t have the heart to turn him down.

“Well,” he said, “if it’s so urgent, come on in.”

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Chess boardPhoto: Shutterstock

The Christmas Song

Q: What do you call a bunch of chess masters bragging about their skill in a hotel lobby?

A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Here are the Canadian comedians you should watch out for—and their favourite jokes.

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Santa Claus reading his listPhoto: Shutterstock

Santa Speak

Q: What is Santa’s primary language?
A: North Polish.

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Kids decorating treePhoto: Shutterstock

Great Use of Space

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree. —@simoncholland

Want to change it up this year? Try these holiday decorating tips from across Canada.

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Xbox OnePhoto: Shutterstock

Gift of the Magi?

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox. —Anthony Jeselnik

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Christmas tree ornamentsPhoto: Shutterstock

Addicted to Christmas

Q: How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas?
A: He was hooked on trees his whole life.

Check out these bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at.

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Jewish parishioners at synagoguePhoto: Shutterstock


Our synagogue was throwing a coming-out party of sorts for our new officiant, which was to be billed as “Coffee with the Cantor.” The guest of honour, an Argentine, suggested that rather than coffee we serve mate, a variation of a South American tea.

That idea was quickly nixed, however, when we realized that we would be inviting congregants to “Mate with the Cantor.”

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GymPhoto: Shutterstock

Seeking Investors

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the first month of the year, collects subscription fees, then converts to a bar named Regret. —@siddharth3

These books will help with your New Year’s resolutions.

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Christmas treePhoto: Shutterstock

O Tannenbaum

Any tree can be a Christmas tree if you yell at your family around it. —@weinerdog4life

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ElfPhoto: Shutterstock

Elf Therapy

Q: Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Canadian comedians reveal the best jokes they’ve ever told.

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Church pewsPhoto: Shutterstock

Seating Sections

While serving as church usher, I was carrying out our tradition of escorting parishioners to their seats before the service began. After I returned to the entrance of the sanctuary to escort the next party, I greeted two strangers and asked where they would like to sit.

Looking confused, the young man smiled and said, “Non-smoking, please.”

Find out the origins of these classic Christmas traditions.

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Christmas decorations at shopping mallPhoto: Aaron Lim/Shutterstock

Insulting Santa

This mall Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap. —Conan O’Brien

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Mall Santa with child on his lapPhoto: Shutterstock

Confessions of a Store Santa

While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?”

The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?”

He promptly replied, “Another train.”

These are the world’s most festive Christmas cities.

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Christmas partyPhoto: Shutterstock

Mazel Tov, Mary!

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard. —Andy Borowitz, writer

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Alarm clock with Santa hatPhoto: Shutterstock

When You’re Having Fun

Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!


Check out the best Christmas markets in Canada.

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Santa and reindeer in front of moonPhoto: Shutterstock

A Good Deal

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing—it was on the house!


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A reindeerPhoto: Shutterstock

Seeing Red

Me: I wrote you a song, Rudolph.
Rudolph: It better not be about my nose.
Rudolph: Sing the song, man.


These are the best Christmas songs ever written.

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Santa coming from the chimneyPhoto: Shutterstock

The Truth About Santa

I tell my kids that Santa is fat because he eats the children who get up early on Christmas morning. That way, I get to sleep in.

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Santa ClausPhoto: Shutterstock

Festive Fear

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

A: Claustrophobic.


Find out why Christmas is on December 25.

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Menorah candlesPhoto: Shutterstock

Candle Conversations

Two menorahs are sitting in the window.

The first one says, “Wow, it’s getting hot with all these candles.”

The second one says, “Whoa, a talking menorah!”

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Friends celebrating the new yearPhoto: Shutterstock

Head Start

My New Year’s resolution is to be more efficient. So I’m giving up on it right now instead of wasting all January acting like I can achieve it. —@alispagnola

These resolutions can help you live longer.

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Driving in the winterPhoto: Shutterstock

Meet and Greet

Spotted outside a church in Michigan during the holidays: “Honk if you love Jesus. Keep on texting while you drive if you want to meet him.”

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Couple fightingPhoto: Shutterstock

Irreconcilable Differences

I may only get married once, I may get married five times. But at least one of my marriages is going to end because of Christmas decorations. —@DadandBuried

This is why we hang stockings for Christmas.

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Woman untangling Christmas lightsPhoto: Shutterstock

Practice Makes Perfect

Untangling my headphone cord all year is good training for Christmas lights. —@Cheeseboy22

These photos show what Christmas looked like 100 years ago.

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Reindeer in the snowPhoto: Shutterstock

Open Mic Night in the North Pole

Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke?
A: This one’ll sleigh you!

Now that you’ve got these hilarious holiday jokes under your belt, check out these funny real life holiday stories sent to us by readers.

Originally Published in Reader's Digest