100+ Funny Jokes for the Holidays
'Tis the season to celebrate funny Christmas, Hanukkah and other holiday moments.
Q: Did you hear about the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
A: He got 25 days.
Not sure what presents to purchase this year? Our holiday gift guide has all the answers.
Hip Hop Holiday
Q: What kind of Christmas music do elves like?
A: Wrap music!
The Most Punderful Time of the Year
You: I love this time of year!
Me: You mean you ‘ove’ it.
Me: Because there’s Noël. —@tiemoose
I bought a treadmill because my New Year’s resolution is to have more things to put my laundry on. —@danwlin
“All that time spent selecting and decorating, and a week after [Christmas], you see the tree by the side of the road, like a mob hit. A car slows down, a door opens, and a tree rolls out.” —Jerry Seinfeld
Anyone can make these DIY Christmas decorations!
Frosty Gets Fit
Q: What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
A: An abdominal snowman.
World’s Worst Office Parties
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon asked people to submit their worst Christmas office party stories. Here’s what people sent in:
– I stayed sober to avoid embarrassing myself in front of my coworkers. Then my heel broke, and I fell into the punch bowl.
– My boss ordered two pizzas for 15 employees, then ate one all by herself.
– My coworker got so drunk, he asked his girlfriend whether she was single. She said yes.
– I did a Secret Santa gift exchange; mine got me a can of creamed corn.
My wife: How many presents did you get wrapped?
Me [proudly]: Four.
Wife: In an hour?
Me: They were oddly shaped. —@dejavudad
Peace and Quiet
Q: What’s a parent’s favourite Christmas Carol?
A: Silent night!
One Step at a Time
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes. —@AbbyHasIssues
Our new neighbours thought our Wi-Fi network was our last name. So when they gave us a Christmas card, they addressed it to “The Linksys Family.” —via HuffingtonPost.com
Q: Which of Santa’s reindeer has the worst manners?
Bought or Borrowed
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present…they’re due back at the library tomorrow. —@kellywithawhy
The First Noel
Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
A: It’s Christmas, Eve!
Why Stop at 12?
On the 13th day of Christmas, my true love said to me, “I think I might be a hoarder.” —Jen Statsky, writer
Christmas with the Crown
Prince Philip looks out the window on Christmas Eve. “That’s some reindeer,” he says. The queen replies, “65 years. Yes, that is a lot.” —Via express.co.uk
You should live your life by these brilliant quotes from The Crown.
For the longest time, I thought my mother, father, and cat all had the same handwriting. Then I found out Mom was just signing cards for all of them. —Michelle Wolf, comedian
Q: What does the Gingerbread Man use to make his bed?
A: Cookie sheets!
Jeez, did Santa’s agent turn down a single commercial? —Jim Gaffigan, comedian
For those of you who have already failed your New Year’s resolution, like I have, there is always the Chinese New Year to try again. —@ThomasPankonin
Check out these Chinese New Year traditions we can all celebrate.
I understand now why Hanukkah happens when it does. We could all use a little light right now. And fried stuff. —Jess Zimmerman, editor
Read about one family’s annual Hanukkah tradition, complete with latkes and lakes.
Q: What’s a sheep’s favourite Christmas song?
A: Fleece Navidad.
Time for a Rewrite?
Think how much more exciting “Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel” would be if they’d written it after the dreidel was dry and ready. —@Mikelffingwell
Find out why Hanukkah changes dates each year.
Gone to the Dogs
My mom is angry with me for letting the dogs see their presents before tomorrow morning. Apparently, I ruined their Christmas. —@akfarizel
Santa on the Brain
Christmas: the time when everyone gets Santamental.
These Christmas miracles will restore your hope for the holidays.
The Ultimate Gift
One of my four nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to. —@Kendragarden
At the Christmas Eve service at my church, the pastor, quizzing some children about the nativity, asked, “What gifts did the three wise men give the Christ child?”
“Gold!” yelled one child.
“Frankincense!” shouted another.
After a pause, a third asked, “Gift cards?”
The Nose Knows
Q: What did one snowman say to the other?
A: “Yeah, I smell carrots too.”
Employees who made their office Christmas parties memorable:
– The man who tried to photocopy his rear end, only to smash the glass and end up in the hospital.
– The manager who took his staff out for a three-course Christmas meal and “had an emergency” when dessert arrived, leaving his team with the bill.
– The poor soul who fell asleep on the toilet at a restaurant and woke up to find that the entire place was empty–and he was locked in.
Q: What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A: A rebel without a Claus.
These funny parenting tweets will make every parent smile.
In a Pickle
A co-worker was forced to participate in a $10 maximum Secret Santa one year. He protested by bringing cucumbers that cost $1 each. —@kingedhill
The Giving Spirit
Knowing that the pastor enjoyed his drink, a hotel owner offered him a case of cherry brandy for Christmas in exchange for a free ad in the church newsletter. The pastor agreed and ran this in the next issue: “The pastor would like to thank Patrick Smith for his kind gift of a crate of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given.” —via HotSermons.com
“It’s way too early for Christmas music.”
— People in the year 75 B.C. —@Online_Shawn
Me: Knock! Knock!
You: Who’s there?
Me: Yule log.
You: Yule log who?
Me: Yule log the door after you let me in, won’t you?
The Hanukkah miracle is that the menorah oil lasted eight extra days. I re-create this miracle with every tube of toothpaste. —@daemonic3
Q: Where do Christmas plants go to become stars?
Into the Church
Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.
The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.
Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.
The origins of the Easter Bunny are more mysterious than you think!
Experts agree the best way to save money on gift giving this holiday season is by alienating all your friends and family. —@22_Minutes
A woman goes to the post office and asks for 50 Hanukkah stamps.
“What denomination?” asks the clerk.
The woman says, “Six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”
We’ll bet you didn’t know these surprising facts about Christmas in Canada.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“But it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—Figgy pudding, yeah.”
A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up.
“Great,” she said.
I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed.
“I don’t want this box,” she said abruptly. “It’s been opened.”
Here are the surprising pieces of Christmas trivia you never knew.
“Google that and prove it.” —My six-year-old when I told her she’s not getting a cat because Santa is allergic to them. —@dooce
You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger. —Robert Paul
These stories about meeting Santa will fill you with the Christmas spirit!
“Oh, God, sorry, I’d love to talk and catch up, but, ah, man, I’m just…I’m petting this dog right now, so…” —Me, at a Christmas party
Stop the Presses
These holiday headlines—concocted by the satirists at the Onion—are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth:
- Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings
- Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think
- Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year
- Book Given as Gift Actually Read
These are the fascinating origins of classic jokes.
It’s the Thought That Counts
[Friend opens Christmas present.]
Me: It’s a lie detector.
Friend: Oh… I love it.
Me: [whispering] We’ll see.
Hiding the Presents
I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children, I had to find a suitable hiding place. I chose an ideal spot—the furnace room. I stacked the presents and covered them with a blanket, positive they’d remain undiscovered.
When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to “Mom and Dad, From the Kids.”
This is how to wrap Christmas presents like a pro.
According to this advent calendar I’m eating, Christmas was five minutes ago. —@Book_Krazy
Q: How can Santa deliver presents during a thunderstorm?
A: His sleigh is flown by raindeer!
Can you find the doll hidden in a sea of toys?
If you like Christmas so much, why don’t you merry it? —@fro_vo
My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____.” His response: “Receipts.”
Take a page out of Santa’s playbook with our helpful list of shopping dos and don’ts!
As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. “No problem,” I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
“You can’t do that,” argued my four-year-old.
“Don’t worry. Santa will never know.”
He shot me a look. “So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?”
Save time and money on your Christmas cookie baking with these genius hacks.
Top tip: this winter, hide a collection of bones in your snowman as a surprise for the children when it melts. —@MooseAllain
Just once I’d like to see a big event-movie trailer that opens with “THIS HANNUKAH, IN A THEATER NEAR YOU…” —@LostCatDog
Odd Christmas Visit
From an article on the Woolacombe Bay Hotel in Devon, England: “Their three-night Christmas break includes a packed program of family entertainment, a crèche, excellent cuisine, and a visit from Satan.”
Don’t miss these Christmas traditions from around the world.
A Delicate Process
How to Decorate a Christmas Tree When You Have Kids:
1. Unpack ornament
2. Drop repeatedly until it shatters into a million pieces
Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read “Thank you for not looking in the bathtub.”
The Way the Cookie Crumbles
The kids left “Santa” whole wheat cookies so Santa “forgot” to leave their presents. —@sammyrhodes
Q: What’s Jack Frost’s favourite part of the school day?
A: Snow and tell.
Want to make the perfect snowman? Check out these tips!
Four-year-old: Is Santa real?
Four-year-old: What about the Easter Bunny?
Me: You better hope Spiderman didn’t hear that.
Post Holiday Blues
A waitress at our restaurant had a change of clothes stolen from the break room. Making matters worse, she’d planned on wearing them to the Christmas party.
As a brand-new employee, I didn’t know any of this backstory, so I was a bit surprised to find this indignant note posted on the community board: “It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found my clothes.”
From over-salted soups to tipsy guests, we’ve got every Christmas dinner disaster covered.
Shear the Spirit
Q: What do sheep say to shepherds at Christmastime?
A: Season’s bleatings!
These are the weirdest things people have found after the snow melted.
Easy to Forgive
Late for a seminar and unable to find parking, I pulled into a spot behind a church. It was only after I’d gotten out of the car that I spotted this sign: “No parking. Forgiveness is our business, but don’t make it harder than it already is.”
Christmas Eve Service
Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, “Now, where was I?”
A tired voice called out, “Right near the end!”
For Christmas, I gave my kid a BB gun. He gave me a sweater with a bull’s-eye on the back.
Entrance to Heaven
Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they’re met by St. Peter. “In order to get in,” he tells them, “you must each produce something representative of the holidays.”
The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. “This represents a candle of hope.” Impressed, Peter lets him in.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. “These are bells.” He’s allowed in too.
“So,” Peter says to the third man, “what do you have?”
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.
“What do these have to do with Christmas?” asks Peter.
Bad Grades for Rudolph
Q: “Why didn’t Rudolph get a good report card?”
A: “Because he went down in History.”
Better Luck Next Year
I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “Toys not included.” —Bernard Manning
Test your smarts with these hilarious history jokes.
My mother cast one of her students as the innkeeper for the Christmas pageant. All the third grader had to do was tell Joseph, “There is no room at the inn.”
But during the performance—after Joseph begged for a room for his pregnant wife—the boy didn’t have the heart to turn him down.
“Well,” he said, “if it’s so urgent, come on in.”
The Christmas Song
Q: What do you call a bunch of chess masters bragging about their skill in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Gift of the Magi?
This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox. —Anthony Jeselnik
Addicted to Christmas
Q: How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas?
A: He was hooked on trees his whole life.
Check out these bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at.
Our synagogue was throwing a coming-out party of sorts for our new officiant, which was to be billed as “Coffee with the Cantor.” The guest of honour, an Argentine, suggested that rather than coffee we serve mate, a variation of a South American tea.
That idea was quickly nixed, however, when we realized that we would be inviting congregants to “Mate with the Cantor.”
Any tree can be a Christmas tree if you yell at your family around it. —@weinerdog4life
Q: Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Canadian comedians reveal the best jokes they’ve ever told.
While serving as church usher, I was carrying out our tradition of escorting parishioners to their seats before the service began. After I returned to the entrance of the sanctuary to escort the next party, I greeted two strangers and asked where they would like to sit.
Looking confused, the young man smiled and said, “Non-smoking, please.”
Find out the origins of these classic Christmas traditions.
Confessions of a Store Santa
While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?”
The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?”
He promptly replied, “Another train.”
These are the world’s most festive Christmas cities.
Mazel Tov, Mary!
Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard. —Andy Borowitz, writer
When You’re Having Fun
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
Check out the best Christmas markets in Canada.
A Good Deal
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing—it was on the house!
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Find out why Christmas is on December 25.
Two menorahs are sitting in the window.
The first one says, “Wow, it’s getting hot with all these candles.”
The second one says, “Whoa, a talking menorah!”
Meet and Greet
Spotted outside a church in Michigan during the holidays: “Honk if you love Jesus. Keep on texting while you drive if you want to meet him.”
Open Mic Night in the North Pole
Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke?
A: This one’ll sleigh you!
Now that you’ve got these hilarious holiday jokes under your belt, check out these funny real life holiday stories sent to us by readers.