30 Funny Jokes for the Holidays
‘Tis the season to celebrate funny Christmas, Hanukkah and other holiday moments.
1. Into the Church
Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.
The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.
Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.
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A woman goes to the post office and asks for 50 Hanukkah stamps.
“What denomination?” asks the clerk.
The woman says, “Six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”
3. Good Lights
A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up.
“Great,” she said.
I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed.
“I don’t want this box,” she said abruptly. “It’s been opened.”
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4. Stop the Presses
These holiday headlines—concocted by the satirists at the Onion—are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth:
- Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings
- Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think
- Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year
- Book Given as Gift Actually Read
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5. Hiding the Presents
I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children, I had to find a suitable hiding place. I chose an ideal spot—the furnace room. I stacked the presents and covered them with a blanket, positive they’d remain undiscovered.
When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to “Mom and Dad, From the Kids.”
6. Gift Exchange
My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____.” His response: “Receipts.”
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7. Limited Knowledge
As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. “No problem,” I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
“You can’t do that,” argued my four-year-old.
“Don’t worry. Santa will never know.”
He shot me a look. “So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?”
8. Odd Christmas Visit
From an article on the Woolacombe Bay Hotel in Devon, England: “Their three-night Christmas break includes a packed program of family entertainment, a crèche, excellent cuisine, and a visit from Satan.”
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9. Quick Cleanup
Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read “Thank you for not looking in the bathtub.”
10. Post Holiday Blues
A waitress at our restaurant had a change of clothes stolen from the break room. Making matters worse, she’d planned on wearing them to the Christmas party.
As a brand-new employee, I didn’t know any of this backstory, so I was a bit surprised to find this indignant note posted on the community board: “It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found my clothes.”
From over-salted soups to tipsy guests, we’ve got every Christmas dinner disaster covered.
11. Easy to Forgive
Late for a seminar and unable to find parking, I pulled into a spot behind a church. It was only after I’d gotten out of the car that I spotted this sign: “No parking. Forgiveness is our business, but don’t make it harder than it already is.”
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12. Waiting for Christmas
My wife took our three-year-old to church for the first time. Getting impatient while waiting for the Mass to start, he turned to her and asked, “What time does Jesus get here?”
13. Christmas Eve Service
Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, “Now, where was I?”
A tired voice called out, “Right near the end!”
15. Entrance to Heaven
Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they’re met by St. Peter. “In order to get in,” he tells them, “you must each produce something representative of the holidays.”
The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. “This represents a candle of hope.” Impressed, Peter lets him in.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. “These are bells.” He’s allowed in too.
“So,” Peter says to the third man, “what do you have?”
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.
“What do these have to do with Christmas?” asks Peter.
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16. Bad Grades for Rudolph
Q: “Why didn’t Rudolph get a good report card?”
A: “Because he went down in History.”
17. Better Luck Next Year
I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “Toys not included.” —Bernard Manning
18. Alternate History
My mother cast one of her students as the innkeeper for the Christmas pageant. All the third grader had to do was tell Joseph, “There is no room at the inn.”
But during the performance—after Joseph begged for a room for his pregnant wife—the boy didn’t have the heart to turn him down.
“Well,” he said, “if it’s so urgent, come on in.”
19. Santa Speak
Q: What is Santa’s primary language?
A: North Polish.
20. Gift of the Magi?
This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox. —Anthony Jeselnik
21. Addicted to Christmas
Q: How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas?
A: He was hooked on trees his whole life.
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Our synagogue was throwing a coming-out party of sorts for our new officiant, which was to be billed as “Coffee with the Cantor.” The guest of honour, an Argentine, suggested that rather than coffee we serve mate, a variation of a South American tea.
That idea was quickly nixed, however, when we realized that we would be inviting congregants to “Mate with the Cantor.”
23. Elf Therapy
Q: Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
24. Seating Sections
While serving as church usher, I was carrying out our tradition of escorting parishioners to their seats before the service began. After I returned to the entrance of the sanctuary to escort the next party, I greeted two strangers and asked where they would like to sit.
Looking confused, the young man smiled and said, “Non-smoking, please.”
25. Insulting Santa
This mall Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap. —Conan O’Brien
26. Confessions of a Store Santa
While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?”
The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?”
He promptly replied, “Another train.”
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27. Mazel Tov, Mary!
Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard. —Andy Borowitz
28. The Truth About Santa
I tell my kids that Santa is fat because he eats the children who get up early on Christmas morning. That way, I get to sleep in.
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29. Meet and Greet
Spotted outside a church in Michigan during the holidays: “Honk if you love Jesus. Keep on texting while you drive if you want to meet him.”
30. Open Mic Night in the North Pole
Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke?
A: This one’ll sleigh you!