75 Funny Schitt’s Creek Quotes to Live By

Moira on drinking:

“This wine is awful. Get me another glass.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, “Wine and Roses”

David on approachability:

“You know, being approachable isn’t that important anyway, The Queen hasn’t smiled since the ’70s, and her birthdays are still very well attended.” – David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Milk Money”

Moira on parenting:

“If airplane safety videos have taught me anything, David, it’s that a mother puts her own mask on first.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 3, “The Affair”

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David on setting boundaries:

“I’m trying very hard not to connect with people right now.” – David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, “The Drip”

Moira on the drawback of having staff:

“I have lost all my skills. And now I know how it feels to be utterly helpless like you and your sister.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Family Dinner”

Alexis on babies:

“Just think of them as tiny little roommates whose tiny little poops you get to clean up.” – Alexis Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 4, “Pregnancy Test”

Moira on home decor:

“This place is almost charming. Very rustic cottage… I was half expecting early Unabomber.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, “The Cabin”

David on complicated relationships:

“I’m starting to feel like I’m trapped in an Avril Lavigne lyric here.” – David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 3, “The Throuple”

Find out what Schitt’s Creek star and showrunner Dan Levy learned about comedy from working with his father, Eugene.

Moira on funerals:

“I made an obligatory appearance at the service and his hysterical girlfriend cornered me into saying a few words. I didn’t have a thought in my head, so I just stood up and sang “Danny Boy.” Not a dry eye in the house.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, “Carl’s Funeral”

David on having his driver’s licence photo taken:

“Yeah I just feel like the whole session was rushed. Like, there was no back lighting, or emotional direction.” – David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 3, “Driving Test”

Moira on guest feedback:

“‘I was served by an intimidating woman at the front desk, with an unrecognizable accent, and scary-looking attire.’ And what might this have to do with me?” — Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 3, “Motel Review”

Patrick on unrealistic expectations:

“David, you have to stop watching Notting Hill. It’s not helpful for our relationship.” – Patrick Brewer, Schitt’s Creek, Season 5, “The Hike”

Moira on making the pitch:

“If there is anyone at this fabulous little confab who knows how to work a room of fragile egos, it’s me. I once hosted the non-televised portion of the People Choice Awards.” — Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 3, “The Affair”

David on wildlife:

“I Googled that bug. It’s some sort of demonic cricket that takes chunks out of your skin when provoked. ‘Chunks’ is the word that Google used.” – David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, “Turkey Shoot”

Moira on the future:

“You must prepare for life, and whatever it will throw at you. The opportunities will diminish, and the ass will get bigger. Oh, you can bet your bottom dollar it will! Especially yours. You’re going to have a huge ass.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, “Don’t Worry, It’s His Sister”

Jocelyn on being different:

“You strike me as the sort of person that had a hard time in high school.” – Jocelyn Schitt, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, “Little Sister”

Moira on the importance of having an escape plan:

“My great grandmother took it from her husband when she left him and it has been passed down through all the women in my family as emergency currency in case we need to leave our husbands in the middle of the night.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Finding David”

David on nature:

“I could not be more at one with nature. I do Coachella every year.” – David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, “Turkey Shoot”

Moira on death:

“Oh Stevie, Stevie… You have years ahead of you still to collect a cartage of adoring mourners. In the meantime, they will laugh in your face and they’ll stab you in the back, but the moment you give up the ghost, oh, they’ll all have nothing but nice things to say about you. I know I will.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 4, “RIP Moira Rose”

David on his evolving sense of style:

“I haven’t BeDazzled anything since I was 22.” – David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 3, “Opening Night”

Moira on regret:

“I am suddenly overwhelmed with regret. It’s a new feeling for me, and I don’t find it at all pleasurable.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Moira’s Nudes”

Alexis on her journey:

“I don’t skate through life, David. I walk through life. In really nice shoes.” – Alexis Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 3, “Driving Test”

David on knowing your strengths:

“I would hardly call myself an expert on this subject. And by subject, I mean genuine human emotion.” – David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 4, “Singles Week”

Moira on good advice:

“Do you remember what Goldie Hawn told us at the amfAR dinner? ‘You are the life you accept for yourself.’ Those are Goldie’s words. Or something someone said to her. In India. Or perhaps she read it… In any case it has always stayed with me.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Moira vs. Town Council”

David on versatility:

“Umm, I do drink red wine, but I also drink white wine… And I’ve been known to sample the occasional rosé. And a couple summers back, I tried a merlot that used to be a chardonnay, which got a bit complicated. I like the wine, not the label.” – David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, “Honeymoon”

Moira on aging:

“Allow me to offer you some advice. Take a thousand naked pictures of yourself now. You may currently think, “Oh, I’m too spooky,” or “Nobody wants to see these tiny boobies,” but believe me: one day you will look at those photos with much kinder eyes and say, ‘Dear God, I was a beautiful thing!'” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Moira’s Nudes”

Moira on the less fortunate:

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but is this car your home?” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Finding David”

Stevie on festive spirit:

“I have my own holiday tradition. It’s like the 12 Days of Christmas, but it’s one day with 12 bottles of wine.” – Stevie Budd, Schitt’s Creek, Season 4, “Merry Christmas, Johnny Rose”

Keep these funny holiday jokes in mind for your next Christmas party.

David on being a good boyfriend:

“He told me he doesn’t want my help, so I’m just going to play the supportive partner and watch him fail.” – David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 5, “Housewarming”

Moira on the importance of communication:

“John, how was I to know you were in peril? You keep everything inside, like a bashful clam!” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 5, “The Hike”

Moira on running away from your problems:

“What you did was impulsive, capricious and melodramatic. But it was also wrong.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Finding David”

David on devotion:

“I just want you to know that no matter what anyone says, you will always be our first dad.” – David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 3, “The Affair”

Moira on wearing several hats:

“I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the Everybody Nose benefit for juvenile rhinoplasty, when she suddenly drops out due to exhaustion. I had to be both puppet and puppeteer.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 4, “Asbestos Fest”

Alexis on the good old days:

“I miss being surrounded by loose acquaintances who think I’m funny and smart and charming.” – Alexis Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, “The Cabin”

Moira on coping:

“Oh, I’d kill for a good coma right now.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, “Town For Sale”

David on perseverance:

“She sort of fades into the background after a while. You know, like a smoke alarm.” – David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Jazzagals”

Moira on campaigning:

“Politics 101, John. When you have limited resources, your best course of action is to create a stir. It’s exciting. It’s fun. It’s like that episode of Sunrise Bay when I stole my own bébé.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Lawn Signs”

David on making dinner:

“Let’s not ruin a meal by talking about the process.” – David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Family Dinner”

Moira on the meaning of Christmas:

“All I can think about is the 22-foot Norwegian Pine we once had. And the protesters shouting at the flatbed truck as it made its way through our front gates. Now that was festive.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 4, “Merry Christmas, Johnny Rose”

David on trust:

“I was perfectly fine not trusting people. Not trusting people is what I’m used to. It is my comfort zone.” – David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 4, “The Barbecue”

Moira on gossip:

“Gossip is the devil’s telephone. Best to just hang up.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 4, “Girls Night”

Stevie on persuasion:

“I’m only doing this because you called me rude, and I take that as a compliment.” – Stevie Budd, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, “Our Cup Runneth Over”

Want to turn someone’s frown upside down? Try giving them one of these funny compliments.

Moira on showbiz:

“I worked in soaps. They had me play my own father, who then became pregnant despite the vasectomy. I still hold the record for the longest-running demonic possession on daytime television.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 5, “The Crowening”

David on helping others:

“The idea of me life coaching another human being should scare you. A lot.” – David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, “Little Sister”

Moira on morals:

“Well, Jocelyn, there are certain things that are just not done: Smoking in a car with a baby—unless you crack a window; tipping before tax; mixing drinks with cola; and giving away a coat that doesn’t belong to you.” — Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, “Town For Sale”

David on role models:

“Like Beyonce, I excel as a solo artist and my mom dressed me well into my teens.” – David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 4, “Girls’ Night”

Moira on new experiences:

“Okay, I’ve never ‘just packed a bag,’ so you might just have to give me a minute.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 4, “Dead Guy in Room 4”

David on hospitality:

“Come in, come in. Make yourself at home. There’s nothing in the fridge, and I marked the booze so I’ll know if you touch it!” – David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 4, “Pregnancy Test”

Moira on haste:

“Oh, I won’t wait for anyone’s decision. I once got Winnie Mandela to RSVP to an Artists Against Eczema benefit within the hour.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Moira vs. Town Council”

David on karma:

“It’s just one long string of really bad luck and I don’t know what kind of carnage I inflicted in my past life to deserve it. I must have been Dracula or a spin instructor or something.” – David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 4, “The Barbecue”

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Moira on taking pride in a job well done:

“I manned that front desk with the vigour of a wartime radio operator.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 3, “Motel Review”

Could you use some professional motivation? These funny work jokes will help you make it through the week.

David on vulnerability:

“I’ve been burned so many times I’m like the human equivalent of the inside of a roasted marshmallow.” – David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 4, “Singles Week”

Moira on hospital lingo:

“Is ‘tests’ code for open heart surgery? You can tell me, I once played a nurse on M.A.S.H.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 5, “The Hike”

Here are more funny doctor jokes.

Alexis on getting snubbed:

“He hasn’t even asked for my phone number, which in my experience means he’s either newly married or he’s gay.” – Alexis Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 3, “The Affair”

Moira on event planning:

“And who’s to say what we can pull off? I recently heard of a small town in Scotland—no bigger than a thimble—that is making millions from a week-long singles fest. Now, if an idea as simple as that can work for a people as infamously disorganized as the Scotch, surely we can aspire to something of equal scale.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 4, “The Olive Branch”

David on timing:

“We can talk about this anytime you’d like. Preferably not before 10a.m., because I’m not really a morning person.” – David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 3, “Grad Night”

Moira on getting sick:

“Oh, it’s always just a cold, John—until it’s full-blown typhoid!” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Bob’s Bagels”

Twyla on fine dining:

“I heard that someone wants mozzarella sticks for their birthday. I’m pretty sure that I scraped most of the freezer burn off of those.” – Twyla, Schitt’s Creek, Season 3, “Grad Night”

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Moira on cooking:

“Oh good, now I see bubbles. David! What does burning smell like?” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Family Dinner”

David on how to get by in the big city:

“You just watch a season of Girls and do the opposite of what they do. It’s easy.” – David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, “Town For Sale”

Moira on pacing yourself:

“Let’s go. I’ve had enough waking hours for one day.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 4, “Merry Christmas, Johnny Rose”

Alexis on keeping cool:

“It’s just a checkpoint, okay? I’ve been through tons of these in Johannesburg. Umm, it’s like a drive thru, except everybody has a gun.” – Alexis Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Milk Money”

Moira on empathy:

“Why should I be the only one encumbered with this emotional cargo?” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 4, “Open Mic”

Alexis on riding a bicycle:

“David, the pedals make it move more.” – Alexis Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Estate Sale”

Moira on awareness:

“I can’t feel my tongue. But I know it’s there because I’m talking.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, “Wine and Roses”

Alexis on her job qualifications:

“I don’t want to brag, but Us Weekly once described me as ‘up for anything.’” – Alexis Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Moira’s Nudes”

Moira on love:

“I want you to know, John, that you are the most important thing in this world to me. You know that, don’t you? And I include Caroline in that, and I’ve had that wig for 40 years.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 5, “The Hike”

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Alexis on getting pulled over:

“Just remember: no sudden movements, do not reach for the glove box, and no matter what happens, do not tell them your real name.” – Alexis Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Milk Money”

Moira on living with less:

“Children, keep an eye on these bags. Apparently in hell, there’s no bellman!” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, “Our Cup Runneth Over”

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Johnny on digital marketing:

“A hashtag? Is that two words?” – Johnny Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 3, “Motel Review”

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Moira on calling it quits:

“Pick up a hammer and nail this coffin shut!” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, “Our Cup Runneth Over”

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Johnny on getting the best deal on a new car:

“Oh, I know I don’t have any money, but I need to look like I don’t have money.” – Johnny Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 3, “New Car”

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Moira on volunteering:

“We’re all pitching in these days, dear. Like communists or non-union actors.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 3, “Grad Night”

Find out the 10 (hilarious) things you should never say to a Canadian.

Moira on party planning:

“There are myriad tactics to boost numbers at your party! Well, you start by comping a few influential guests. You’d be shocked at how many celebrities show up to a thing with the promise of a free Wagyu slider.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 3, “Murder Mystery”

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Moira on fashion crimes:

“I didn’t like the matchy-matchy skirt and blazer. No, she looked like an aging stewardess from a Latvian airline.” – Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Milk Money”

Now that these Schitt’s Creek quotes have put a smile on your face, keep the laughs coming with our favourite short jokes.