75 Funny Family Jokes That Are Guaranteed to Make You Laugh
A grab bag of 75 jokes about the people we know and love best—for better or worse.
Photo: Saty + Pratha
Eugene Levy on what’s got him through the pandemic:
Food, family and TV. Not necessarily in that order.
Dan Levy on having a famous dad:
In high school people would ask me if American Pie was based on my life. My life was not that interesting. There were no pies involved.
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Kids Know Best
Dad to tween: Nobody puts baby in a corner.
Tween: Why not? Aren’t babies safer in a corner?
I took my four-year-old son to the local park. A boy approached him and said, “I’m three.” Without hesitation, my son replied, “Hi, Three. I’m Ezra.”
—Victoria Stein, Pickering, Ont.
Mom: Do you want the baby to be a boy or a girl?
Kid: I want the baby to be Batman.
Son: This song said a bad word.
Me: You know not to repeat it.
Son: I know, but I am saying it in my brain.
After my daughter refused to get dressed, I lost my temper and told her she couldn’t come downstairs until she’d changed out of her pyjamas.
She then changed into another pair of pyjamas.
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Parent: How was your first day of second grade?
Kid: I survived. And I can’t wait to get my farts out.
After being told that it’s rude to call dinner gross, our four-year-old is finding increasingly creative ways to express himself:
“This tastes … unlucky to me.”
“This sends my mouth into outer space.”
“Cauliflower is,” as he pinches his fingers together, “this much delicious.”
—Alix E. Harrow, author
My two-year-old said she is a grownup. I told her that no she isn’t, she’s a toddler.
She replied: “No I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. He’s still making fun of me.
Our nine-year-old conducted an experiment to prove the tooth fairy isn’t real. When he lost a tooth, he kept it under his pillow and told no one for three days. No money. Then, when he told us he lost his tooth, there was money under his pillow the following day. Eventually, he confronted us with his scientific evidence.
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Recently, I was complaining that we have too much stuff in our house and need to get rid of some of it. My four-year-old looked me dead in the eye and said, “You should probably burn it in the oven like our food, Mommy.”
My daughter says every boy in the world has a penis, even Santa. So sad for her to one day learn that there’s no such thing as Santa’s penis
—Adam Scott, actor
When I was four, my dad got pulled over and I screamed, “I have to poop!” The cop then let my dad go. Later he took me to the bathroom and couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop—I just didn’t want him to get a ticket.
Me: If we’re going to the store, I have to change into a cuter outfit.
My nine-year-old son: Why?
Me: Because people are going to see me.
My nine-year-old son: Nobody’s really going to be paying attention to you, though.
While walking in a local park with my three young kids, we passed a bench that had been donated by a family in 1992. I heard one of them say, “I wonder if that family is still alive.”
My 10-year-old daughter responded, “Probably. I’m pretty sure Dad was already born in 1992 and he’s still alive!”
—Albert Kandie, Winnipeg
I told my nephew a watermelon was going to grow in his stomach because he ate some of the seeds. He then looked me straight in the eyes and, I kid you not, said, “Nope, there’s no sunlight so you’re wrong and college has failed you.” He’s seven.
When I was eight, I got lost at the mall and started crying because I couldn’t find my mom. A security guard came to help me, but I punched him in the groin as hard as I could because “stranger danger.” (He still had to help me find my mom.)
My five-year-old asked me to go find something downstairs. I couldn’t find it.
My five-year-old: “I’ve got an idea. This time, go back downstairs and try your best.”
One Sunday morning, my five-year-old son came to my bedroom, jumped into my bed and hugged me. Afterwards, he said, “Mommy, your breath smells yucky, but I still love you.”
—Ana Macias, Guelph, Ont.
My four-year-old granddaughter was pretending to enjoy a piece of make-believe cake. When her older brother, who is allergic to nuts, asked for his own pretend slice, she quickly responded, “No, you can’t have any. It has nuts in it!”
—Jennifer Khan, Vaughan, Ont.
My six-year-old, to her crying brother: It’s OK to be sad. Sometimes we need to let our feelings out. Just let yourself be sad.
Me: Oh darling, that’s so lovely. Well done. Wait, why is he crying anyway?
My six-year-old: I hit him.
On the way to daycare, I gave my three-year-old some money, which he then put in his pocket. When we arrived, he immediately announced to everybody, “I have money but I’m hiding it in my pocket!”
—Kashif Shaikh, Scarborough
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Parenting would be 30 per cent easier if you didn’t have to put sunscreen on your kids.
Ninety per cent of parenting is saying “Wherever you left it.”
My daughter and I accidentally busted in on my husband in the bathroom and he got mad which is funny because I haven’t peed alone in seven years.
—Busy Phillips, actor
When can I expect to stop having avocado under my fingernails at all times? When they go to college?
—Kristen Bell, actor
Parenting is missing your kids when they’re asleep—and missing your sanity when they’re awake.
Going away on a business trip and my seven-year-old is very sad because “there won’t be anyone to reach the high things,” if you’re wondering how important I am.
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What do you call having your grandma on speed dial?
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.
―Ellen DeGeneres, comedian
Grandpa whispers to Grandma in church, “I’ve just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?” The grandma replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
After 40 years my grandma has finally gotten my grandpa to stop biting his nails. She hid his teeth.
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Photo: Courtesy Leonard Chan / Reader's Digest Canada
When I was a kid, my grandmother was always in her bathrobe with rollers in her hair, 24-7.
“When are you going to take those rollers out?” I thought. “Can we see that hairdo you’ve been working on for 20 years? I bet it’s a doozy.”
—Jen Grant, comedian
What’s the difference between an all-you-can-eat restaurant and your grandma’s cooking?
At an all you can eat, you get to decide when you’re full.
“Was there anything you needed? I gotta get off the phone and fold my socks.” (My grandma, upon picking up my phone call.)
—Andrea Jin, comedian
What did Grandma and Grandpa do for fun back in the day?
I don’t know. My 17 aunts and uncles won’t answer the question.
My grandpa just walked into a room with a guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast. I said, “Who is this guy?” He said, “my hip replacement.”
If you’ve ever had to provide tech support for your parents, you’ll relate to this hilarious story.
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The Joys of Parenting, According to Ryan Reynolds
While sleeping in, not sharing your food and only caring about yourself is awesome, you know, having a kid is okay, too.
Being a dad isn’t just about eating a huge bag of gummy bears as your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word “hero.”
I can’t tell if my daughter’s smashing plates all over the kitchen floor or singing the Paw Patrol theme song.
No matter which kids’ book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy.
These bad dad jokes are sure to make you laugh out loud.
Photo: Courtesy Cathy Boyd / Reader's Digest Canada
My mom is Eastern European. How Eastern European? She once wouldn’t taste a cake because it was too colourful.
—Monica Hamburg, comedian
When my mom fries fish outside, our property tax increases and our property value decreases.
—Celeste Lampa, comedian
#YoMamaSoCanadian she sends “you’re welcome” cards in response to “thank you” notes.
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Photo: Shawn Goldberg/Shutterstock.com / Reader's Digest Canada
We are planning a road trip through Canada. My wife is concerned that our old camper van may break down. I told her not to worry. After all we have Triple Eh.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
―George Burns, comedian
My parents were English campers, so terrible campers. What my dad ended up doing most of the time was ordering pizzas and making cups of tea… One morning he was like, “Get up, you lazy buggers.” We peered through the tent, and we can hear this low throng of an airplane engine and it came over and dropped DDT on my dad. There was a moth infestation. He just sat there with his cup of tea, and in that Liverpool way he said, alright, how fast until we can find this funny?
—Mike Myers, actor
I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was seated next to a crying baby. Apparently that’s not allowed when the baby is yours.
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Photo: Shawn Goldberg/Shutterstock.com / Reader's Digest Canada
It’s so cold in Winnipeg right now that I’m hoping for a heated argument with my wife.
I don’t know anyone who gets as much happiness out of their kids as [my wife and I] get out of our non-kids. Like, we’re psyched all the time! We’re laying in bed on Saturday mornings smoking weed, watching movies naked. If we had kids, we could not be doing this.
—Seth Rogen, actor
Marriage is asking each other what you want for dinner every day until you die.
I once walked in on my parents having sex. It was the most embarrassing 30 minutes of my life.
—Norm Macdonald, comedian
When you see the term “fun for the whole family” that’s the big tipoff that it’s fun for nobody. Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlours with ice cream and free jewelry.
—Jerry Seinfeld, comedian
Photo: Courtesy Darryl Purvis / Reader's Digest Canada
“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”
A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”
Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one!
There was a dad who tried to keep his wife happy through labour by telling jokes, but she didn’t laugh once. Know why?
It was the delivery.
My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.
For more laughs, check out the funniest Canadian jokes of all time.
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Canada’s First Family of Funny
At heart, Schitt’s Creek (streaming on CBC Gem and Netflix) is all about the strength we get from our families. The Roses—Johnny (Eugene Levy), Moira (Catherine O’Hara), Alexis (Annie Murphy) and David (Dan Levy)—also prove it’s possible to be extremely ridiculous and extremely lovable. Here are some of our favourite moments from the series:
“Just think of them as tiny little roommates whose tiny little poops you get to clean up.” —Alexis, explaining babies.
“Talk to the hand, son, because the ears are no longer working.” —Johnny, misusing his kids’ lingo.
“Um, I do drink red wine, but I also like white wine. And I’ve been known to sample the occasional rosé. And a couple summer back, I tried a merlot that used to be a chardonnay, which got a bit complicated. I like the wine, not the label.” —David, explaining his personal preferences.
“If airplane safety videos have taught me anything, David, it’s that a mother puts her own mask on first.” —Moira defending her parenting skills.
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