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Life’s Like That!

Silly stories, wonderful witticisms and sweet Tweets that are guaranteed to put a smile on your face.

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Life's Like That: Bad haircutPhoto: ShutterStock

What’s the Point?

I’d spent more than two hours in the salon getting my hair permed, cut and styled. Relieved to be done, I went to pay the receptionist. “Good afternoon!” she said cheerfully. “Who’s your appointment with today?” Reddit

Feline Funnies

“Someday this will all be yours,” I tell my cat, waving my arms wildly at a few Amazon boxes by the front door.”@cloudypianos

It’s so sad that curiosity led to so many life-changing inventions but is still mostly remembered for killing that one cat.”@sixthformpoet

Bank of Dad

When I returned home from college for spring break, I noticed a note on the refrigerator door. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work. I promptly added: “Send Michelle money every month.” A few days later, my brother wrote: “Make payments on car for Jason.” My boyfriend joined in with: “Buy Tom a Jeep.” Finally, my father added a new goal to his amended list: “Wean kids.” ajokeaday.com

 

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Life's Like That Photo: ShutterStock

Moms Know Best

My beautiful 91-year-old mother, who has dementia, often says nonsensical things. Every now and then, though, we get a complete and clear sentence out of her. While feeding her lunch recently, Mom looked me in the eye and said, “Please learn how to cook.” – Elizabeth Twolan, Kemptville, Ont.

The Realities of Aging

Want to know how I realized I’m old? I recently went to renew my driver’s licence. After chatting with the clerk, I was eventually handed an interim licence. When I looked at it, I discovered that, without even asking, the clerk had changed my hair colour from “black” to “grey.” – Tung K. Ngai, Vancouver

Losing weight in middle age is like trying to make a macrame owl out of cooked spaghetti. It’s difficult, frustrating and a waste of spaghetti.@pixtopher

Fitness Formalities

I go to the gym so infrequently that I still call it the James. @thesulk

 

Looking for more laughs? Check out these 22 Harry Potter Jokes Every Muggle Should Know!

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Life's Like That: Celery Photo: Shutterstock

Short and Sweet

It’s called “celery” because “cold, wet plant bones” takes too long to say.” @curlycomedy

Could You Be More Specific?

The stand that holds my husband’s prized samurai swords was dusty, so he left our housecleaner a note reading, “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the stand just as dirty as before but with this added message: “Nice swords.” – gophercentral.com

Simple Solutions

A few days ago, my husband told me he was tired. I replied, “There’s a nap for that.” – Judith Mathon, Kelowna, B.C.

Guess Who?

What they say: “Hi, I’m Brandon. This is Liz and Steven.”
What I remember: “Hi, I’m BLERP-BLAP. This is GLAUNGH and CRAIG, or maybe GREG.” @arieldumas

 

Looking for more laughs? Try these 9 Funny Jokes to Defuse Awkward Situations at Work!

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Back seat driverPhoto: Shutterstock

Professional Opinion

My six-year-old son ran to me after lightly scraping his knee at a park. I looked at the scratch and kissed it better, and he ran off to play again. My brother, who was standing nearby, raised his eyebrows and quipped, “Four years of medical school and that’s all you’ve got?”  – Linda O’Connor, Kingston, Ont. 

Sweet Revenge

On the day I got my learner’s permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver’s seat. “Why aren’t you sitting up front, on the passenger’s side?” I asked.

“Kirsten, I’ve been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl,” Dad replied. “Now it’s my turn to sit back here and kick the seat.”  – Kirsten Wiley

Simple Self-Care

I deleted an email with the subject “three-second joy exercise,” and I think I found a new three-second joy exercise. – Comedian Mark Chalifoux 

Valid Question

We had just moved to the country from the city when our neighbour came by. “Several of my hogs have gotten loose,” he said. “Have you seen them?”My concerned husband responded, “What do they look like?” -Betsy Smith

Expectation vs. Reality

“Baggage carousel” sounds a lot more fun than it actually is. – @ingridmusic

 

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Guess Who?Photo: Shutterstock

Guess Who?

What they say: “Hi, I’m Brandon. This is Liz and Steven.”
What I remember: “Hi, I’m BLERP­BLAP. This is GLAUNGH and CRAIG, or maybe GREG.” – @ArielDumas 

Could You Be More Specific?

The stand that holds my husband’s prized samurai swords was dusty, so he left our housecleaner a note reading “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the stand just as dirty as before but with this added message: “Nice swords.”  gophercentral.com

Simple Solutions

A few days ago, my husband told me he was tired.
I replied, “There’s a nap for that.” – Judith Mathon, Kelowna, B.C. 

Short and Sweet

It’s called “celery” because “cold, wet plant bones” takes too long to say. – @curlycomedy

 

Looking for more laughs? Check out Laughs at Work!

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Portion ControlPhoto: Shutterstock

 Portion Control

I’m bad at portioning uncooked pasta, so if you and 110 of your friends want to come over, dinner is ready. – @blackcatbettie

Travel Tips

[Normal life] I’ve worn the same shirt every day for a week.
[Packing for vacation] Hmmm. I’ll probably change a few times a day, so that’s…32 shirts. – @jonnysun

Selective Hearing

It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike. – @Innocent_Knave

The Blame Game

A client called to report an accident and asked if her insurance rates would go up.

“Our underwriting department determines that,” I replied, then asked for her licence plate number. Verifying her information, I said, “NMF? Is that N as in Nancy, M as in Mary and F as in Frank?”

“Yes,” she said. “But could you please tell your underwriters that it’s also N as in ‘not,’ M as in ‘my,’ and F as in ‘fault’?” – gcfl.net

 

Looking for more laughs? Check out these 70 Most LOL-Worthy Jokes in Reader’s Digest History!

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Incredible LikenessPhoto: Shutterstock

Incredible Likeness

When I went to get my driver’s licence renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along, and after nearly an hour, the man ahead of me finally got his licence. He inspected his photo and commented to the clerk, “I was waiting so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

The employee looked at the picture closely. “It’s okay,” he replied. “That’s how you’ll look if the cops pull you over, anyway.” –  gcfl.net

A Matter of Time

Avocado: I’m not ripe.
Avocado: I’m not ripe.
Avocado: I’m not ripe.
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW.
Avocado: Okay, you were in the bathroom so I rotted. – @elspetheastman 

Reliving The Good Times

If I had a time machine, I’d probably spend a lot of trips in it just going back 15 minutes to re-eat meals. – @alispagnola

Whose Mom Is it, Anyway?

At a recent meeting for parents of high-school students, I overheard one woman say to another: “I realize you’re a person in your own right, but whose mother are you?” – Adam Hrankowski, Prince George, B.C. 

Modern Malaise

Why am I not asleep? he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away. – @joshgondelman

 

Looking for more laughs? Check out As Kids See It

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Size MattersPhoto: Shutterstock

Size Matters

As I was waiting at the vet’s office, a chihuahua walked in with its owner. The dog was quiet until a Rottweiler entered a few minutes later. As the tiny canine yapped and snarled, its owner calmly looked down and said, “Oh, please. The only way you could hurt that dog would be if you got stuck in its throat.” – Linda Martin

Beg Your Pardon

On the night before my daughter’s 10th birthday, I realized I didn’t have the “1” and “0” candles needed to top the cake. My 78-year-old father-in-law was visiting, so we jumped in the car and headed to the drugstore. While sorting through the numbered candles, I decided to grab an extra “1” to be ready for next year. At the checkout, the teenage cashier glanced at the candles, looked at my father-in-law and asked, “Is he 101 years old?” – Sam Beckford, Langley, B.C.  

 

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Come Again?Photo: Shutterstock

Come Again?

It can be difficult to distinguish between sounds. Case in point: the other day I blew my nose and my wife, who was in another room, yelled out, “What?” – Paul Swets 

Safety First

When we take our dog on car trips, we carry his drinking water in a gin bottle. During one jaunt, we’d stopped to let him out of the car. As I was pouring some water into his bowl, I noticed a man watching.

He came over and whispered, “I hope you won’t let him drive!” – gcfl.net 

Family Feud

My brother and I were texting about plans for me to visit. I was concerned about my asthma, since he lives in another city, which is quite high above sea level. But because of autocorrect, I accident­ally sent this: “We have talked about coming to visit you, but between my asthma and your attitude, I’m not sure it will be possible.” – Susan Finnegan 

Know Thy Neighbour

We decided to move out of the house we’d lived in for four years. A few days before we left for good, my husband drove a rented truck up to our garage door so we could start loading boxes. Later that day, one of our neighbours arrived carrying a plate of muffins. “Isn’t that thoughtful,” my husband said to me. “He must have realized we packed our kitchen stuff.”

The man stuck out his hand and boomed, “Welcome to the neighbourhood!”  – gcfl.net

 

Looking for more laughs? Check out these 13 Funny Dad Quotes to Use This Father’s Day!

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Terrible TouristsPhoto: Shutterstock

Terrible Tourists

My parents have been to Las Vegas several times and have a real fondness for the city. A few years ago, we all went on a family vacation to visit relatives in Italy. In Venice, we took a gondola ride. We hadn’t been in the boat for more than five minutes when my mom turned to my dad and exclaimed, “Wow! It’s just like the Venetian!”  – Laura Gobbo, Burnaby, B.C.

 

Not Like the Other

My husband and I both drive red vehicles. Our youngest daughter also has a red car, as do our eldest daughter and her spouse. Our son is the odd one out. One day he called to tell me he was looking at a new vehicle—and that it happened to be red. “Well,” I said, “It looks like you’ve finally seen the light!”

“Yeah,” he replied. “I’m tired of being the black Jeep of the family.” – Heather Denning, Kyle, Sask.

I Can’t Punderstand you

At a dinner party, our guests asked us what kind of vegetables we would be cooking. “Let’s see,” my fiancée began, “summer squash—”
And some aren’t,” I interjected. – reddit.com 

Shattered Expectations

A boy breaks an old vase at his rich uncle’s house. Extremely angry, his uncle yells, “Do you know how old that vase was? It was from the 17th century!”

“Oh good,” the boy says, sighing with relief. “I thought it was new.” – short-funny.com

 

Looking for more laughs? Check out the 20 Funniest Lawyer Jokes Ever!

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Not About YouPhoto: Shutterstock

Not About You

The photographer was putting me and my husband in place for our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modelled?”
My cheeks instantly turned red. “No,” I said. “But I always thought…”
The photographer cut me off: “I meant him.” -Joanne Noffke

Good Reviews

I got on board with The Lord of the Rings once I learned it’s an epic three-book saga about destroying a hideous piece of jewellery once and for all.  – @juliothesquare

Does Not Compute

My husband, who’s originally from Scotland, still has a distinct accent. He recently asked Siri a question through his iPad. There was a pause before Siri answered, “I’m sorry. I do not translate.” – Dianne Monteith, London, Ont.

Workout Buddies

Waldo asked me to spot him at the gym. Couldn’t do it.  – @twittels

Looking for more laughs? Check out these 18 Math Jokes to Get Every Nerd Through Pi Day!

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Long Live the Banana SlicerPhoto: Shutterstock

Put it in My Cart

Many reviews for products on Amazon are helpful, and others are jokes—literally:

The Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer

“What can I say about the 571 Banana Slicer that hasn’t already been said about the wheel, penicillin or the iPhone? My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day’s banana slices: ‘You think I have the energy to slave over your @#$% bananas?’ ‘I worked a 12-hour shift just to come home to THIS?!’ The minute I heard our six-year-old re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That’s when I found the 571 Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier.”

BIC Pen

“Worked fine with my right hand, but when I used my left hand, my writing came out looking like the work of an imbecile. I assume BIC created a right-handed-only pen.”

The Never-ending Wait

I came home to find my husband sitting on the couch, watching TV.
“I thought you were going to mow the lawn,” I said.
“I’m waiting on a part,” he replied.
“What part is that?”
“The part of me that wants to do it.” –Beth Madden

As Seen on TV

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert. –@tastefactory

Bad Adage

I haven’t eaten an apple in days. The doctors are closing in. My barricade won’t last much longer. They’re coming. Tell my family I love th—
@slightlyfunny77

End Results

Personal trainer: No pain, no gain.
Me: Deal. –@abbycohenwl

 

Think you’re witty? If You Laugh at These Dark Jokes, You’re Probably a Genius

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ATM DramaPhoto: Shutterstock

ATM Drama

Please insert your card
Do not remove card
Do not remove card
Do not re-
REMOVE CARD NOW! REMOVE IT NOW! OH MY GOD, ARE YOU CRAZY? GET IT OUT! – @infinitesimull

Timing Is Everything

Please don’t start pretending to like me just because I’m sick or dying. Please start pretending to like me now, when I can use it. – @RedIsDead

Consumerist Nightmare

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth; it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need. – @alan_maguire

Chilling

I wrote a horror story. It’s called “I just lost my phone in my blankets for six minutes.” – @hashtag_stacks

Seems Unfair

Oh, what, so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming?  – @figgled

 

Looking for the formula for laughs? Here are 18 Math Jokes to Get Every Nerd Through Pi Day

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Originally Published in Reader's Digest Canada