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As Kids See It

Kids say the darnedest things, and we’re grateful that these parents and grandparents were there to hear them! If you’re looking for laughs, check out our collection of hilarious anecdotes and cute quotes from the mouths of babes.

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As Kids See It, Reader's DigestPhoto: ShutterStock

Lived Experience

My husband and I took our six-year-old granddaughter to the hospital to see her baby brother for the first time. She sat beside her mom on the bed and held the boy for a while. The nurse came in to check his heartbeat, and when the stethoscope touched him, the infant started to cry. My granddaughter went over to the bed, kissed her brother on the forehead and said, “Don’t worry, buddy. I’ve been there and I know what you’re going through. ” – Gwen Hacking, Naicam, Saskatchewan

Tummy Talk

My two-year-old daughter, Rebecca, was lying on her grandfather’s chest shortly before dinner time. When his stomach growled, she jumped up and exclaimed, “Grandpa, you’re purring!” – Chris Daniels, Pitt Meadows, British Columbia

Groundbreaking Design

Six-Year-Old: I wish we had circle rooms.
Me: Why?
Six-Year-Old: There would be no corners for time outs. – @xplodingunicorn

It’s Like You’re Right Here

I often FaceTime with my four-year-old granddaughter, Amelia, who lives in Winnipeg. During a recent conversation, she was eating lunch while her mom helped her younger sister in the washroom. At one point, Amelia was struggling to open a bag of buns. Frustrated, she stopped, set the bag in front of the iPad and asked, “Papa, can you open this for me, please?” – Greg Gramlich, Barrhead, Alberta

Whodunit?

“Sometimes I feel like you don’t really listen to me when I talk,” said my son or daughter. – @dannyzuker

 

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As Kids See It, Reader's DigestPhoto: ShutterStock

Over My Head

My six-year-old son asked to see the academic book I’d recently written. I handed him a copy, and he carefully examined the pages. When he was done, he closed the book and, looking perplexed, asked, “Dad, do you understand any of this?” – Tanni Haas

Hide and Seek

Me: Do you know where your slippers are, dear?
Toddler Daughter: Um… I think they’re in Canada?
Me: So we’ve narrowed it down. – Comedian Steve Patterson

Artistic Expression

Our friend and her four-year-old son were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant when a man covered in tattoos walked in. The boy turned to him and said, “Looks like somebody got into the markers.” – Kendall J. Barrowes

One for the Kids

Q: What do you do if you see a spaceman?
A: Park your car, man. Reddit

Facial Recognition

After sporting a beard for a few months, I decided to shave. At first, neither of my kids noticed. It wasn’t until late in the afternoon that my six-year-old daughter, Amelia, suddenly spotted the change. As we sat watching her brother at his swimming lesson, she looked at me, did a double take and said, “Daddy, you forgot your beard!” – Steve Waycott, Rothesay, New Brunswick

A Little Learning…

Sometimes you’re in awe of all the things your toddler has learned. Other times you regret teaching them things like how to open doors. – @mamatoga

Food Fibs

Not that I condone lying, but it’s incredible what variety of foods you can get a toddler to eat by telling them it’s “an apple” or “cheese.” – @acekmay

 

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Hashtag 1 - As Kids See It, Reader's DigestPhoto: ShutterStock/Brett Walther

Making a Hash of It

On our grandson’s 13th birthday, I decided to offer him 13 pearls of wisdom. On a hand-made birthday card, I listed each piece of advice in a numbered list. At the party, his 10-year-old sister offered to read the card aloud to the guests. She opened the card and saw the first piece of advice, which was labelled “#1.” Peering at the point, she began: “Hashtag one!” – Yvonne Rafuse, Pleasantville, Nova Scotia

Know Thine Enemy

When he heard that former baseball great Tim Raines was being inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame, my 11-year-old son, Christian, asked me who Raines was. I told him that he was a formidable player who often led the league in batting averages and steals. I also told him that he returned to the field after a brave two-year battle with lupus. Upon hearing this last detail, Christian breathlessly asked, “Who’s Lupus?” – Dwight Buckle, Guelph, Ontario

Nice Try

My kid just flushed her socks down the toilet because “dirty stuff goes there.” Sound logic, questionable execution. – @daddydoinwork

Not Quite Ready

Six-Year-Old: Can I hold the baby?
Me: Do you promise to be really careful?
Six-Year-Old: [Holding a full juice cup sidewise and jumping] YES! I PROMISE! – @lurkathomemom

Stranger Things

Readers share the outrageous beliefs they held as kids:
* I believed that school buses ate the little kids they picked up every morning. I always saw the passengers get on, but I was never there when they got dropped off at the end of the day. – Patricia Greig King
* I thought lightning came from the flash of a huge camera in the sky. So every time I saw lightning, I would smile really big. – Jiem Jayno
* I believed that if I went too high on the swing, I would poke a hole in the sky with my feet. – Sylvia Aldrich
* I used to think that if the ice cream truck was playing music, it meant that it was out of ice cream. Thanks, Mom. – Rebecca Ahlgrim

And One for the Kids

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear. Reddit

Party Poopers

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occured to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”@caissie

In Grade 5, I had to do a report on Benjamin Franklin, and my parents interpreted it as me liking him, so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed.@corysnearowski

Likely Story

All right, who switched out my five-year-old’s Star Wars gummy vitamins for ones that are exactly the same but apparently “too spicy”? @designerdaddy

 

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Which is worse? Photo: Shutterstock

Which is Worse?

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today or the one who showed me how to pick the lock. – @amydillon 

Toddler Time Bomb

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day. – @mamabirddiaries 

Takeoff Troubles

My son first took a plane at the age of four. He was scared about flying, so he told the flight attendant he wanted the plane not to “fly” but instead to “get going on the road!” Playing along, she agreed. As the plane sped down the runway, my son called out, “When I said ‘on the road,’ I didn’t mean so fast!” – Ana Carolina Carrillo 

Message From Beyond

After the death of an elderly family friend, my seven-year-old granddaughter, Zoe, asked her mom to describe heaven. Her mother struggled to find an answer, eventually replying that while we can’t know exactly what heaven is like, it’s said to be a wonderful and peaceful place. Zoe thought about that very seriously for a few minutes, then replied, “Well, Mommy, when you get there, will you send me a text and tell me about it?” – Jane Marshall, West Vancouver

Finicky Foodies

Kids can be notoriously picky eaters. Just ask any parent:
“I like meat, pasta and cheese, unless you mix them all together. Then I don’t like it.”
—My eight-year-old on lasagna – @DomesticGoddss

Culinary Catastrophe

I never knew that parsley had the power to destroy someone’s life, but six leaves of it in my kid’s rice has taught me otherwise. – @Six_Pack_Mom

Seeing Double

My friend, a nurse, was reviewing a patient’s medical records when she realized that the girl and her mother shared the same first name.
“Doesn’t that ever get confusing?” my friend asked.
“Oh no,” the girl replied. “I just call her Mom.” – Beth Nelson

Hard Pass

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400. - @mommy_cusses

The Gift of Knowledge

While on a family vacation in the Virgin Islands, I went on a walk with my six-year-old grandson, Matteo. We spotted a species of tree that we’d never seen before, with spiky thorns that climbed up its slender trunk. It looked like a dragon’s back. Matteo pointed at it. “How did it get like that?” he asked.

This was a chance to introduce him to the idea of evolution. We sat on the ground and talked for 45 minutes. It was glorious. The next day, he was swimming with his cousin and asked her a question. She said, “That sounds like a science question. Why don’t you ask Grandpa?”

“I’m not making that mistake again,” he replied. – Actor, Alan Alda

One for the Kids

Q: What kind of lion never roars?
A: A dandelion! – babycenter.com

 

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Scathing ReviewPhoto: Shutterstock

Scathing Review

Me: *singing along with the radio*
Three-year-old: Why don’t you let it sing all by itself? – @ToastyGiraffe

Come Again?

My 10-year-old granddaughter, Campbell, had a very sore throat. I texted her and asked if she had lozenges. She texted back, “No, the doctor said I probably have the strep throat that’s been going around at school.”  Joanne Ryan, Seaforth, Ont.

Senses Sensibility

One day when my brother, Andy, was four, my mother flipped on her turn signal as she was driving us to school. “Mommy, what’s that ticking sound?” my brother asked from the back seat. She smiled into the rear-view mirror and said, “That’s so other cars know I’m planning to turn.”

“But Mommy,” Andy said, “I don’t think the other cars can hear it!” – Gwen Hill, Saanichton, B.C. 

Perpetual Rejection

Apparently I pack an apple in my five-year-old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours. – @Brianhopecomedy

Creative Non-Fiction

The students in my class were asked to write about the harmful environmental effects of oil on fish. One 11-year-old wrote, “When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night, it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead.” – gophercentral.com 

Family Ties

My five-year-old grandson was growing frustrated with his little sister, Nora, and was complaining about it. I jokingly proposed, “How about we take Nora outside and leave her on a chair with a big sign that says ‘Will trade for two kittens’?”
My grandson pondered the idea for a while. “Grandma,” he finally said, “we can’t do that.”
I was touched, thinking he didn’t want to lose his sister.
“Why?” I asked.
His tone serious, he replied, “Because Daddy’s allergic to cats.”  – Edith, Bolton, Ont.

Sophisticated Palate

Me: What do you want for lunch?
Three-year-old: An apple.
Me: What else?
Three-year-old: Leaves. – @AlexMcDaniel

Age is Just a Number

When I turned 60, my grand­children sang “Happy Birthday” to me over FaceTime. My five-year-old granddaughter, Emily, asked how old I was, and after I told her, she seemed momentarily confused. “That must be really old,” she said, “because I can’t even count that high yet.” – Brenda Hatcher, Mahone Bay, N.S. 

Patience-Testing Tots

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses. But what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses. – @WorkingMom86 

To anyone out there thinking about having kids, my two-year-old threw a temper tantrum because she couldn’t get rid of her shadow. – @XplodingUnicorn

Can’t Argue With That Logic

My son’s kindergarten class was learning about outer space, and during playtime, his teacher noticed that he was pretending to land on the sun. She asked if he remembered that the sun is made of hot plasma. “That’s okay,” he responded, “I threw water on it first!” – Wendy Mercier, Penticton, B.C.  

One of the Kids

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide. – reddit.com 

 

Looking for more laughs? Check out these 10 Funny Pet Jokes!

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Two For OnePhoto: Shutterstock

Two for One

When I told my seven-year-old daughter we were expecting twins, she said, “You don’t need two. Can’t you send one of them back?” – goodnet.org

Joys & Sorrows

My daughter was enjoying a bedtime snuggle with her three-year-old son, Luka. Making conversation, she asked him, “What makes you happy?”
He eagerly responded, “Chocolate milk.”
“And what makes you sad?” my daughter continued.
Luka replied, sombrely and quietly, “The other kind.” – Roger Kowalchuk, Thunder Bay, Ont. 

Location, Location

Many years ago, my husband and I were babysitting our nephew, who was six at the time. He excitedly told us that when his dad arrived, they were going to go watch Home Alone, a movie he’d seen advertised. When we casually asked which theatre they’d be going to, he paused. Obviously thinking of all those commercials, he replied, “A theatre near you!” – Cathryn Hnatuk, Provost, Alta.  

If I Could, I Would

My three-year-old grandson sat in the bathroom and watched as I removed my dentures and brushed them. After a few minutes, he asked, “Can you take your ears off, too?” – S.W.

Who Arrr You, Really?

I recently retired from the RCMP after 37 years of service, and my wife bought me a regimental sword, which I mounted on the wall in our rec room. The first time our six-year-old grandson saw it, he turned to my daughter, wide-eyed, and asked who the sword belonged to. When she told him it was mine, he replied, “Grandpa was a PIRATE?” – Glen Haner, Calgary

Eclectic Menu

Three-year-old Charlie: “What did you have for lunch, Leo?”
Seven-year-old Leo: “I don’t really remember.”
Charlie: “Fish? Toucans?” – Jennifer Warren, Montreal

Outdated Tech

My daughter looked at an Etch A Sketch the other day and asked, “Mom, was this an iPad when you were a little girl?” – littlehoots.com

Time After Time

While driving with my granddaughter, I grew annoyed with the slow driver ahead of me and said, “Come on, Sam, get moving.” A few days later, we found ourselves on the same road behind another sluggish driver. “Come on, Sam, get moving,” I muttered again.

Immediately, my granddaughter replied, “That’s not Sam. Sam has a blue car.” – gcfl.net

Nutritious & Delicious

Over dinner, I explained the health benefits of a colourful meal to my family. “The more colours, the greater the variety of nutrients,” I said. Pointing to our food, I asked, “How many colours do you see?”

“Six,” volunteered my daughter. “Seven if you count the burned parts.” – Facebook.com

Best Dressed

We were preparing to go see a film, and my daughter Julie appeared wearing a sparkly tutu and sweater.
Me: “Whoa, we’re just going to the movies. That’s a little too fancy.”
Julie: “Mom, does the movie theatre say ‘No fancy allowed’?” – littlehoots.com 

Language Barrier

When my little cousin put perfume in the fish tank, her mom asked her to apologize to the fish. My cousin looked at my aunt, puzzled, and said, “But Mommy, I don’t speak fish.” – goodnet.org

One for the Kids

Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The elf-abet. babycenter.com – babycenter.com

 

Looking for more laughs? Check out these 22 Harry Potter Jokes Every Muggle Should Know!

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Just Like in the MoviesPhoto: Shutterstock

Just Like in the Movies

Me: Honey, do you know what Daddy does in the army?
Five-year-old daughter: You protect people.
Me: Do you know what that means?
Daughter: [pause] It means you’re like a Ninja Turtle. – reddit.com

Mysteries of Parenting

Why is play cleaning so much fun, but picking up their toys is so far-fetched?  – @yenniwhite

Obvious Answer

When my six-year-old grandson, Bryce, returned home from school the other day, he informed his mother he’d taken a test.
“What was it on?” she asked.
Taken aback, Bryce replied, “On paper.” – Dana Winn, Brampton, Ont.

Suddenly Summer

A few years ago, I brought my kids on a trip to Cuba as a respite from the cold Quebec winter. We took a 3 a.m. flight, and both children immediately fell asleep once onboard the plane and dozed through the journey. When we landed, I let them know we’d arrived. Looking out the window, my three-year-old exclaimed, “The snow melted so fast!” – Annie Marcoux, Lévis, Que.

Have It Your Way

When my daughter, Johanna, was three, she loved to throw imaginary tea parties. “This tea is delicious,” I said after one pretend sip. “What kind is it?”

“Any kind you want, Daddy,” she replied. “It’s possibili-tea!” – Steve Forbes, Charlottetown 

Tiny Assistants

Despite kids’ best intentions, their offers to pitch in don’t always go as planned:

My three-year-old insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us six hours and 10 minutes, and apparently pants go in the fridge now. – @outsmartedmommy
Thank you, toddler, for “helping me with dinner” by doing the vital task of unravelling the entire tinfoil roll. – @mamabirddiaries
Just discovered why my dishes weren’t getting clean: I caught my toddler pressing cancel mid-wash. – @JenniferBorget 

Good Odds

Seven-year-old: I’m beating you!
Me: Okay.
Seven-year-old: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
Seven-year-old: I’m gonna win!
Me: …
(My son on the carousel horse in front of me.)  – @charliedelta7

Do the Math

Parenting is 50 per cent arranging nice things for your kids to do and 50 per cent threatening to take them away. – @fluffysuse
Parenting is 20 per cent spending time with your kids, providing love and advice, and 80 per cent looking for their shoes. – @Cheeseboy22
Parenting is 90 per cent answering questions and 20 per cent praying your kid doesn’t ask you a question that is related to math. – @elishadacey

One for the Kids

Q: Why did the burglar take a shower?
A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway. – reddit.com

 

Looking for more laughs? Check out these 9 Funny Jokes to Defuse Awkward Situations at Work!

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Conflict ResolutionPhoto: Shutterstock

Conflict Resolution

My five-year-old daughter and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down.” – @mompsychologist

Got Your Nose

My three-year-old brother, Frankie, had a very bad cold. My mom said, “Frankie, your nose is running.” He looked up at her, confused, then pointed at his face and said, “No, it’s not! It’s right here.” – Shirley Crossley, New Ross, N.S. 

Are You Sure?

Once, my young nephew told my sister-in-law that he remembered what it was like when he was in her tummy. He said, “It was scary in there. There were bats.” – reddit.com 

Like Father, like…

Me to my son: You remind me a lot of me.
Son: That’s just mean. – @JimGaffigan  

Nice Try

My six-year-old daughter recently forgot to ask us to sign one of her tests from school. She’s a good student and didn’t want to get in trouble. Panicking, she tried to fake my signature. In the top left corner of her test sheet she wrote: “Mom.” – reddit.com 

Concerned Student

While I was pregnant, many of my kindergarten students would excitedly ask when the baby was coming. One of them, however, seemed quite concerned. One day she pulled me aside and whispered, “What if it hatches in class?” – reddit.com

Hot Wing Hazards

I took my five-year-old nephew out to lunch and ordered spicy chicken wings. He kept insisting on trying one, despite my warnings that he wouldn’t like them because they were too hot. Eventually I gave in and let him have a tiny piece. As expected, he hated it. Once he got over the taste, my nephew looked at me, wounded, and said, “Next time, blow on it!” – reddit.com 

One for the Kids

Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: Put it on my bill. – laughfactory.com

Strategic Thinking

By the time she reached 18 months old, it was clear that my daughter was smart. One evening I was watching TV and was engrossed. Feeling ignored, my daughter toddled over and suddenly turned the television off.

“Well,” I exclaimed, “it must be bedtime!”

She stopped mid-stride, thought for a second, then turned the tele­vision back on. – Wendy Purves, Toronto 

A Complicated Process

Recently, I had a talk with my eldest son about the birds and the bees. Not long after that, I caught him teasing his younger brother, saying: “You don’t even know how babies are made.” Not wanting to admit ignorance, my youngest insisted he did know. When his brother challenged him to explain, he simply said: “It’s a long and complicated process.” – reddit.com

 

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Use It or Lose ItPhoto: Shutterstock

Use It or Lose It

I told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion, it’s them desperately playing with every toy they own. – @maughammom

Who’s in There?

My three-year-old daughter, Violetta, was watching her grandmother get ready one morning. After Grandma used some product to style her hair, Violetta asked, “What’s that for?”

“To give it some body,” her grandmother replied. Violetta paused to process this information, then asked, “Why would you want somebody in your hair?” – Cari Mathews, Calgary

Home Decor

While shopping for a painting, a woman and her 10-year-old son were having trouble choosing between two options. A few minutes later, they settled on a picture with an autumn theme.

“I see you prefer fall scenes to floral ones,” said the shop owner assisting them.

“No,” replied the boy. “This painting is wider, so it’ll cover the three holes I put in the wall.” – gcfl.net 

Bright Future

Recently heard this quote from my six-year-old: “It’s almost a little bit mostly completely done.”
I’m not sure if that makes him an optimist or a politician. – @HowToBeADad 

Kids Believe the Darndest Things

Adults remember lies they were told as children:

*When I was younger, my dad told me people only get to speak 10,000 words per month. If you reached the limit, he said, you couldn’t physic­ally talk until the new month began. Anytime I was especially talkative, dad would say, “Careful, you’re over 9,000 by now.”
*My mom convinced my brother and me that a penguin lived behind our fridge. She warned us that if we left the door open too long we’d use up his cold, and he’d get mad and come out and bite us.
*My father told me that pears were apples from outer space. – buzzfeed.com

Picky Eaters

Hell hath no fury like a four-year-old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles. – @LurkAtHomeMom

Bargaining Tools

I just had this exchange:
Four-year-old: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
Four-year-old: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
Four-year-old: Can I have ice cream?
Think about what I said. – @EverydayGirlDad

One for the Kids

Q: Why don’t lobsters give to charity?
A: Because they’re shellfish. – reddit.com

Is That You God?

At church, during the collection, we gave our two-year-old son, John, some money to chip in. When the basket came around, my son added his contribution and I whispered in his ear, “We’re giving money to God.”

“Oh,” my son replied, staring at the man holding the basket. “That’s God?”  – Mary-Kate Long, Whitehorse  

Baby Einsteins

Parents share their children’s wealth of knowledge:

*I think fog is just clouds that have fallen down. Dylan, age 6
*I know this because it’s a fact: T. Rexes were so angry because they couldn’t get hugs. Henry, age 5
*When it gets cold outside, my teeth start to chew on their own. Annabel, age 4  – littlehoots.com

 

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Senior Scholar

After my wife passed away in 2003, I decided to pursue a university degree—something I’d been unable to do when I was younger. At the age of 79, I achieved my goal and acquired a bachelor of arts. Not long after I graduated, a friend came for a visit and brought along her 12-year-old nephew, Tomas. Learning of my accomplishment, he took in my grey hair and wrinkles and commented, “Wow, did they ever hold you back.” – James Featherstone, Hamilton, Ont.

Bright Ideas

A while back, our family decided to move into a larger house. Though we started our real-estate search around November, it was very clear that our six-year-old son, Thomas, already had Christmas on the brain. As we drove away after touring a potential new home, Thomas pointed at the building next door. “Why don’t we buy that one?” he asked. “It has two chimneys. That means we can have two Santas!” – Cos van Wermeskerken, Langley, B.C.  

Steady Stream

While waiting for my teenage son, Seth, to come home one Saturday night, I switched on the television. They were playing The Breakfast Club, an old favourite of mine. At curfew, Seth arrived home and began watching with me. When the movie went to commercials, he was startled—he’d become so accustomed to watching Netflix that he’d forgotten ads existed. “What happened?” he asked. “There’s something wrong with the TV!” – Stacy Blois, Quispamsis, N.B. 

Nice Mice

My family and I were enjoying dinner the other day when the subject of mice came up. I mentioned that I trap them humanely and set them free near our local airport. Our son, Ryan, looked at me for a moment, then asked, “Do they ever send you postcards?” -Brian Price, Wellington, Ont.  

Reasonable Reply

My four-year-old son, Kasen, was counting the four segments of orange he had on his plate.
“If you eat two, how many are left?” I asked.
“Two.”
“That’s right! And if you eat two more, then what’s left?”
He replied, “The peel!” – Jan Broersma, Surrey, B.C.  

Patience Is a Virtue

One day, when my daughter, Trinity, was about nine, we were watching a program about extreme sports. At one point, they showed a person flying in a wing suit onscreen, and Trinity informed me she’d like to try one some day.

“Over my dead body!” I said. Shrugging, Trinity replied, “Okay, I can wait.”  – Nicole Barnes, Dartmouth, N.S. 

Short People Problems

My four-year-old niece, Kiley, was observing as her mother scrubbed the walls of their house one afternoon. Although my sister was standing on a chair, she could not reach the ceiling. Noticing this, Kiley advised, “Mommy, you need a shorter wall.” – Ruth Thiessen, Waldheim, Sask.

One for the Kids

Q: What’s made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A: A shoe. - reddit.com

 

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One Thing at a Time

Our four-year-old grandson, Zachary, recently started junior kindergarten. One day I saw him sitting at our kitchen table scribbling furiously on a piece of paper. He told me he was “writing a letter to Mommy.” When I asked what it said, he replied, “I don’t know, Grandma. I haven’t learned how to read yet.” – Karen Lang, Scarborough, Ont. 

Blast From the Past

When my daughter, Trinity, was five years old, she went to spend some time with her great-grandmother. During their visit, Great Grandma put on an old black-and-white Shirley Temple movie for Trinity to watch. When my daughter came home, she told me about the film she’d seen. Looking up at me with wonder, she asked, “Mom, were you alive when the world was only black and white?”  – Lisa Larch, St. Catharines, Ont.

Family Bonding

As a kid, I got to watch my dad fix everything, and I hope to share that experience with my kids. That way we can all watch my dad fix things together. – Comedian Mark Chalifoux  

Correct Terminology

Recently I came upon my 13-year-old leaning against the kitchen door with his eyes closed. When I asked if he was feeling sick, he replied, “No, I think I just have narcosleepy.” – gcfl.net

The Mind Reader

When my youngest daughter, Alicyn, was about three and a half, she had a terrible fear of spiders. Whenever she saw one, she’d scream. Each time, I’d tell her to pretend the critter wasn’t there, and I’d assure her it wasn’t even thinking about her. One evening, Alicyn yelled loudly from the bathroom. When I asked her what was going on, she hollered back, “Mom, there’s a spider in here and he’s thinking about me!” – kidspirit.com

One for the Kids

Q: Why was the teacher cross-eyed?
A: Because he couldn’t control his pupils! – reddit.com

Where were you?

One morning during snack time, the students in my preschool class were discussing where they were born. One little boy mentioned that his mother had given birth to him at a hospital called Sacred Heart. The girl sitting next to him replied, “I was born at Sacred Heart too!”

The boy turned to her, very confused, and said, “Really? I didn’t see you there.” – kidspirit.com

Mom’s Signature Move

For the longest time I thought my mother, father and cat all had the same handwriting. Then I found out Mom was just signing cards for all of them.  – @Michelleisawolf 

Whatever You Say

As Teddy came thundering down the stairs, his father grew annoyed.
“Teddy,” he called, “How many more times must I tell you to come down the stairs quietly? Go back up and try again, but less noisily.”
There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.
“That’s better,” said his father. “Now, will you always use that approach?”
“Suits me,” said Teddy. “I slid down the banister.” – broadcaster.org.uk

 

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"Is Tim Hortons Not Home?"Photo: Shutterstock

Where’s Tim?

Many years ago, I had dropped my eldest daughter off at kinder-garten. I decided to stop for a Tim Hortons coffee on the way home. As we approached the drive-through line, I remarked that we were in for a long wait. My three-year-old piped up from the back seat: “Is Tim Horton not home?” – Jennifer  Goodnough, Edmonton  

Riddle Me This

Why do kids cry when you brush their teeth, but they can’t feel food on their face? – Comedian Jim Gaffigan

Perks of Working From Home

The best part of working from home is having your five-year-old run in while you’re on a conference call and cry, “I accidentally peed in the wrong place!”- @behindyourback 

Botched Job

My four-year-old grandson, Michael, was taken to the ER after a fall that resulted in a cut lip. He ended up needing stitches. Following the procedure, the doctor led Michael over to a mirror, hoping to reassure him that all was now okay. Upon seeing his swollen, stitched face, Michael exclaimed, “You should have let my grandma do it. She sews better than you!” – Margaret Avenue, Kitchener, Ont.

Figures…

Give my son a lacrosse stick and he’ll dominate. Give him a broom and ask him to sweep and he’ll act like he’s never held anything ever. – @PetrickSara

Selective Attention Span

The same kid who claimed she needs a fidget spinner because she “can’t focus” just spent eight minutes picking every sesame seed off her bagel. –@Six_Pack_Mom 

Emergency Vehicle

My two-year-old called the vehicle for sick people a “wee-woo truck,” and now I don’t even remember what the right name is anymore. – @XplodingUnicorn

The Best Part

My daughter gets so pumped watching Disney films. She loves that they all have singing, dancing and a part when the parents die. – Actor Ryan Reynolds

If Only

Five-year-old: I’m not going to have a job.
Me: Where are you going to get money?
Five-year-old: The ATM. – @msemilymccombs

Caught in the Act

We had just celebrated Halloween. My husband nabbed some of the chocolate out of our seven-year-old’s bag and was snacking on it. Our daughter, quick as a whip, noticed her father had something in his mouth. Realizing his fingers were covered in chocolate, she exclaimed, “Daddy, I caught you left-handed!” – Karla Hewitt, Burlington, Ont. 

Tomorrow’s Problem

I kept my last name when I got married. When my daughter was in Grade 2, her teacher got hitched and took her partner’s surname. Soon after, my daughter and I had a conversation about the custom. I asked her if she thought she’d change her name if she ever got married. She replied, matter-of-factly, “Well, that depends on what my adult brain thinks about it, doesn’t it?” – reddit.com

 

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The problem with GuacamolePhoto: Shutterstock

Icky Ingredient

My son, Michael, 11, had eaten half a bowl of guacamole when I asked him what he thought of it. “Pretty good,” he replied. “But I think I’d like it a lot better without the avocado!” – Carrie Baayen, Burlington 

Gained Perspective

“There’s nothing worse than Legos all over the floor,” I said before slipping on a marble. – @FunnyIsFamily

A Sound Prognosis

Elliott, my grandson, was having difficulty hearing. His dad took him to the family doctor to have his ears checked, and they discovered a waxy buildup that needed to be flushed out. Soon after, Elliott was playing with my iPad and started talking to Siri. When Siri failed to understand one of my grandson’s questions, he exclaimed, “You need to have your ears flushed!” – Marguerite King, Charlottetown

Creative Ingenue

As I was drawing with my six-year-old grandson, Jonah, I mentioned that we should enlist his grandpa’s help, since he has a really good eye for art. Jonah looked at me, puzzled, and asked, “Which one of his eyes is it?” – Sabine Coulson, Pembroke, Ont. 

Backhanded Compliment

I had gotten dressed up to go out for dinner with my hubby. My eldest saw me and exclaimed excitedly, “Mom! You look beautiful! Just like a bat!” – The Mabelhood

Lost Limbs

I recently took my three-year-old daughter, Tanvi, swimming. When we arrived, someone was doing a handstand underwater, so only his legs were visible from the surface. Looking at the water, my daughter said, “Mom, somebody forgot their legs in the pool!” – Pooja Jain, Brampton, Ont.

Whatever To Do

“I’m so bored. There’s nothing to do,” my son says as he longingly stares out the back window at our playground, trampoline and bicycles. – @Cheeseboy22

Nevermind

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped. Then I birthed my own mini-judges who criticize and reject everything I cook. – @MamaFizzles

Troubled Toddler

My two-year-old son lives a dramatic life. The other day he came into my room crying. I asked, “What’s wrong, my baby?”
His reply: “You have no idea!” – Tiffany Sutherland, Duck Lake, Sask. 

Not Quite

While I was waiting outside with my 10-year-old niece, Jenna, a vintage 1920s car with a black canopy roof came rolling down the street.  “Oh look!” said Jenna. “A car from the 1980s!” – Linda Viduka, Ottawa 

Playtime in Utero

During my recent pregnancy, my four-year-old niece, Sonia, awaited the baby’s arrival impatiently. At the eight-month mark, she wondered aloud what was happening in my tummy. I distractedly said, “The baby is playing.” Sonia then asked what the baby was playing with. “A ball,” I answered.

Looking bewildered, my niece asked, “Auntie, did you swallow the ball?”- Aarti Patel, Markham, Ont.

 

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Originally Published in Reader's Digest Canada