Share on Facebook

Laughter, The Best Medicine

Looking for laughs? The world’s leading comedians share the best jokes they’ve ever told.

1 / 12
Laughter, the Best MedicinePhoto: ShutterStock

The Best Joke I Ever Told, by Todd Graham

Another term for camping should be “arguing outside.” Todd Graham

Regional Rules

Canadian: Spell colour.
American: No, you spell color.
Canadian: U.
American: No U.
@FRO_VO

So a Gorilla Walks Into a Bar…

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini. Amazed, the bartender thinks, What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink. As he hands the martini over, the animal holds out a $20 bill. The bartender accepts the cash and decides to test his unusual customer’s intellect. He only gives the ape a dollar in change. The gorilla silently begins to sip his drink. “You know,” the bartender says, “we don’t get too many gorillas in here.” The gorilla replies, “At $19 a drink, I’m not surprised.” SunnySkyz

Eye of the Beholder

Who is this Rorschach guy, and why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting? – Comedian Rob Denbleyker

I haven’t slept for 10 days, because that would be too long. – Comedian Mitch Hedberg

 

Looking for more laughs? Try these 9 Funny Jokes to Defuse Awkward Situations at Work!

2 / 12
I can't believe it's not butter!Photo: ShutterStock

Surprise, Surprise…

You can’t believe it’s not butter? Buddy, almost everything is not butter. @HippieSwordfish

The Best Joke I Ever Told, By Ed Hill

My doctor told me that I need to exercise in the morning. So I told myself I need a new doctor. Ed Hill

Code of Ethics

I’m against animal testing, unless, of course, you’re testing little top hats and miniature sunglasses. – Julieanne Smolinski, writer

Numbers Game

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. “Do you have Eyes of Blue and A Love Supreme?” she asked.

“Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. “But I have a wife and 11 children.”

“Is that a record?” she inquired.

“I don’t think so,” he replied, “but it’s as close as I want to get.” Reddit

That’s the Case

Capitalization can really change a sentence.

Example:
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization. @TheNateWolf

 

Looking for more laughs? Check out the 170 Best Jokes About Marriage That You Can Tell at a Wedding!

3 / 12
See you later, alligator!Photo: ShutterStock

Spot the Difference

Q: What’s the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?
A: One will see you later, and the other will see you in a while. Reddit

The Best Joke I Ever Told, by John Cullen

My girlfriend and I just broke up. We were in a long-distance relationship, which is easily the best kind of relationship to have if you’d like strangers to tel you that it’s not going to work. – John Cullen

Call of the Wild

We get it, birds. You know one song. – @EvanKaufman

Who’s an Agreeable Boy?

If humans had to negotiate with dogs…
Humans: Okay, so—
Dog negotiator: Yes.
Humans: Ugh.
Dog negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it.
Humans: I haven’t even—
Dog: I love you. @Longwall26

Clear Branding

Q: What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A: A can’t opener. Reddit

Famous Last Words

Canadian Julius Caesar: “Tu Brute, eh?” @Aaronhm

 

Looking for more laughs? Check out these 17 Light Bulb Jokes That Make You Sound Smart!

4 / 12
Laughter, the best medicine. Photo: Shutterstock

Security Measures

Q: What is Forrest Gump’s password?
A: 1forrest1. -Reddit

The Best Joke I Ever Told, by Cliff Prang

When I tell bar audiences I used to be a pastor, they laugh at me. When I tell church people I am a comedian, they pray for me. -Cliff Prang 

Basic Math

Q: How do you make seven even?
A: Take away the S. -Reddit

Pull Up a Seat Tiny

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The bartender says, “Oh, what an odd pet. What’s his name?”
“Tiny,” the man replies.
“Such an interesting name! Why do you call him Tiny?”
“Because,” the man says, shrugging, “he’s my newt.” -Reddit 

Cat Games

Bartender: What can I get you?
Cat: A shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another one. @sadanduseless

 

Looking for more Laughs? Check out these 25 Clever Jokes That Make You Sound Smart!

Got a great joke or funny story to share? They could be worth $50! Click here for more details!

5 / 12
The Way the Cookie CrumblesPhoto: Shutterstock

The Way the Cookie Crumbles

While eating Chinese takeout one evening, my son noticed there was no fortune in his cookie. “Oh, how unfortunate!” he exclaimed.  – Wesley McKay, Thunder Bay, Ont.

The Best Joke I Ever Told, by Steve Patrick Adams

Judging by all dream sequences in movies, I wonder if anyone in Hollywood has ever actually had a dream first-hand. – Steve Patrick Adams

Of All Stripes

“Boop”
Zebra walking past a self-service checkout. – @jazmasta

The Sound of Music

A Scottish mother visits her son at his Toronto apartment and asks, “How are you finding your neighbours, Donald?”

“Mother,” says Donald, “the people in this building are so noisy. One won’t stop banging his head against the wall, while the other screams and screams all night long.”

“Oh, Donald! How do you manage to put up with them?”

“What can I do? I just lie in bed quietly, playing my bagpipes.” – reddit.com

[Dogs on coffee break]

Dog 1: “I heard a great joke.”
Dog 2: “Oh yeah?”
Dog 1: “Knock kn—”
*Dog 2 goes nuts.* – @Writeplay

 

Looking for more Laughs? Check out these 15 Witty Bar Jokes Anyone Can Remember!

Got a great joke or funny story to share? They could be worth $50! Click here for more details!

6 / 12
Simple Explanations Photo: Shutterstock

Simple Explanations

Q: Why did the cat fall into the well?
A: It couldn’t see that well. – reddit.com 

The Best Joke I Ever Told, by Jeremy Woodcock

I really love the book The Picture of Dorian Gray. Wow. Never gets old. – Jeremy Woodcock

As Seen on TV

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from mattress commercials, it’s that you do NOT want a hot red spine. The body prefers a cool blue spine. – @monicaheisey

And the award for best neckwear goes to…Well, would you look at that? It’s a tie. – @cornonthegoblin

What if dogs had their own 911 line?

Case #1:
Dog 911: What’s your emergency?
Dog: MY HUMAN WENT TO WORK.
Dog 911: So?
Dog: WHAT IF THIS TIME HE DOESN’T COME BACK?
Dog 911: OMG.
Dog: OMG.

Case #2:
Dog 911: What’s your emergency?
Dog: MY BALL IS UNDER THE COUCH.
Dog 911: You try barking at it?
Dog: IT DIDN’T WORK.
Dog 911: OMG.
Dog: OMG. – @Reverend_Scott 

Most Unusual

A snake walks into a bar…
And the bartender says, “How the heck did you do that?” – reddit.com

 

Looking for more Laughs? Check out these 13 Funny Dad Quotes to Use This Father’s Day!

Got a great joke or funny story to share? They could be worth $50! Click here for more details!

7 / 12
It's All Greek to MePhoto: Shutterstock

It’s All Greek to Me

Apollo: I’ll be the god of the sun!
Hermes: Okay, I’ll take light—
Apollo: I’m also light.
Artemis: I’ll take music!
Apollo: No, I’m also music. That’s me too. – @Carouselmouse

One day my husband asked me if I remembered the name of the god of love.
“Eros,” I told him.
“No, not Eros,” he said. “The one who shoots the Eros.” – Virginia Anderson, Sarnia, Ont. 

The Best Joke I Ever Told, by Daniel Woodrow

I wish my cellphone was made out of whatever my TV remote is, because I’ve dropped it countless times, and it’s still mint condition. – Daniel Woodrow

What if…

The person who named walkie-talkies named everything?

*Socks would be feetie-heaties.
* Forks would be stabbie-grabbies.
*Wigs would be hairy-wearies.
*Microwaves would be heatie-eaties. – reddit.com

Origin Story

God *giggling*: They are gonna be so tiny.
Angel *writing*: Ants…tiny…got it.
God *suddenly tearing up*: But, OMG, so strong.  – @iamspacegirl 

Reality Check

Thank you, fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I’m bad at sports. – Comedian Jimmy Fallon  

 

Looking for more Laughs? Check out these 3 Funny Pet Stories!

Got a great joke or funny story to share? They could be worth $50! Click here for more details!

8 / 12
Dietary Restrictions

Dietary Restrictions

Q: What do vegetarian zombies eat?
A: GRAIIIIIIINS! – reddit.com

The Best Joke I Ever Told, by Scott Vrooman

The best investment is in yourself, which is why I eat all of my money. – Scott Vrooman

A Matter of Taste

Q: What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
A: Attire. – reddit.com

Funny Farm

Q: What did the farmer say when his hay blew away?
A: Hay! Come back! – reddit.com

Two horses are standing in a field. “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse,” says the first.
“Moo!” says the second. – reddit.com

Sobering Realization

A driver is pulled over for speeding. As the officer writes the ticket, he notices several machetes in the car.
“What are those for?” he asks, suspicious.
“I’m a juggler,” the man replies. “I use those in my act.”
“Prove it by showing me,” demands the officer.
The man gets out and performs his trick, juggling several blades. Just then, another car passes by. Doing a double take, the driver turns to his passenger and says, “As if there wasn’t already enough incentive not to drink and drive—look at the sobriety test they’re giving!” – reddit.com

 

Looking for more Laughs? Check out As Kids See It! 

Got a great joke or funny story to share? They could be worth $50! Click here for more details!

9 / 12
Colourful ResponsePhoto: Shutterstock

A Colourful Response

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside. – Kim Nowak, Calgary  

The Best Joke I Ever Told, by Sophie Kohn

I bought a new blender the other day. The box says it “easily processes everything!” And it’s like, okay, buddy, we’re not all so lucky. – Sophie Kohn

Fair Enough

A woman walks into a store and asks the clerk, “Can I try on the dress in the shop window, please?”

“I’m sorry, but you can’t,” says the employee. “We have change rooms for that.” – short-funny.com

Haute Cuisine

How many eggs are there in a French omelette? Just one, because one egg is un oeuf. – reddit.com  

Code Red

A man calls 9-1-1. When the dispatcher picks up, the man yells, “You have to send the firefighters immediately. There’s a fire!”
“Okay, sir,” the dispatcher says. “But please, tell us how to get to you.”
Puzzled, the man asks, “What, you don’t have those big red trucks anymore?” – short-funny.com

Basic Instincts

Two clairvoyants meet. One says to the other, “You are fine, and how am I?” – short-funny.com

 

Looking for more Laughs? Check out these 18 Math Jokes to Get Every Nerd Through Pi Day!

Got a great joke or funny story to share? They could be worth $50! Click here for more details!

10 / 12
Pick Up Line FailPhoto: Shutterstock

Pick Up Line Fail

A stamp collector walks into a bar. He approaches the waitress and says, “You’re more beautiful than any stamp in my collection!”

She replies, “Sir, philately will get you nowhere.” – reddit.com

The Best Joke I Ever Told, by Jessica Salomon

I’ve never been especially cool. When I was a kid, I once shoplifted a thesaurus. But then I felt so guilty, so sorry, so remorseful, so shameful, so repentant—so I returned it. – Jessica Salomon

Flight of Fancy

Q: What do you call a snobbish criminal walking downstairs?
A: A condescending con descending.

Q: Why should you be wary of staircases?
A: They’re always up to something. – reddit.com

Shape Shifting

Q: When is a door not a door?
A: When it’s ajar. – reddit.com

New Tricks

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air while I popped into a store. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to emphasize that she had to remain there. As I walked backward to the curb, I pointed toward the car and firmly said, “Now, you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!”

A driver parked nearby gave me a startled look. “I don’t know about you, lady,” he said, “but I usually just put my car in park.” – gcfl.net

 

Looking for more Laughs? Check out these 7 Classic Jokes and Their Fascinating Origins!

Got a great joke or funny story to share? They could be worth $50! Click here for more details!

11 / 12
Elephant in the RoomPhoto: Shutterstock

Unmentionables

 

I bought my friend an elephant for his room, and he said, “Thanks.”
I said, “Don’t mention it.” –reddit.com

The Best Joke I ever Told, by Kate Davis

Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life. –Kate Davis 

Lost and Found

A man loses his dog, so he puts an ad in the paper, and the ad says: “Here, boy.” –Comedian Spike Milligan

Any Way You Want It

*Ordering cake over the phone*
“And what would you like the cake to say?”
*Covers phone to ask wife*
“Do we want a talking cake?” –@KeetPotato 

Need a New Hobby?

Spent all evening gluing watches together to make a belt. Complete waist of time.  –@Pundamentalism

Three Times the Fun

Hey, nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.  –@GrowlyGrego

 

Looking for more Laughs? Check out these 15 Witty Bar Jokes Anyone Can Remember

Got a great joke or funny story to share? They could be worth $50! Click here for more details!

12 / 12
They know how to put tu and tu togetherPhoto: Shutterstock

On Pointe

Say what you will about ballet, but those people know how to put tu and tu together. – @jwPencilAndPad

The Best Joke I Ever Told, By Brandon Calder

I wonder if there’s an alternate universe out there where zombies tell stories about “non-dead” humans:
“And then it was July and Linda realized she was three months late on declaring her taxes.”
“Mommy, I’m scared.”
“Its just a story, baby…it’s just a story.” – Brandon Calder

Deep Truths

*Heaven*
God: You may ask me one question.
Me: Why aren’t there lower case and upper case numbers?
God: What?
Me: I want to write loud numbers. – @LeBearGirdle

 

Origin Story

*Creator of Charlie Brown sits down to draw a cartoon*
“What do eight-year-old boys look like again? Bald? It’s bald, right?” – @thenatewolf

Science Lesson

Q: Why don’t ants get sick?
A: Because they have little antibodies. –reddit.com

 

Looking for more Laughs? Check out these 10 Short Jokes

Got a great joke or funny story to share? They could be worth $50! Click here for more details!

Originally Published in Reader's Digest Canada