Hilarious Struggles That Every Parent Will Relate To

A celebration of those moments when all you can do is laugh.

Funny Parenting Quotes Kid Ordering At RestaurantSusan Camilleri Konar
“I’ll have the spaghetti with meatballs but don’t let the meat, sauce or noodles touch.”

As a Sunday school teacher, I always enjoyed teaching young elementary students a series of lessons about Moses leading the children of Israel out of Egypt. I must have shown my enthusiasm. One day a young girl quietly asked me, “Do you remember him?” —Ralph Dillenbeck, Bow Island, Alberta

My husband was a professional violinist and once performed at our son’s school. Some of the students sent him letters of appreciation. One eight- year-old wrote, “Dear Mr. Violinist, thank you so much for coming to play for our school when you could have been doing something more useful.” —Margaret Growcott, Port Alberni, B.C.

My three-year-old’s favourite game is Restaurant, which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert. No matter what I order, she says, “We don’t have that.” @missmulrooney

My kids know I’m asthmatic and very allergic to cats.
Older daughter: “I don’t like cats because mommy’s allergic to them.”
Younger daughter: “When mommy dies, I’m getting a cat!” @Meena

A Grade 3 student of mine asked if he could get ice from the office for his sore neck. I wrote his name on an office form, jotted down the reason he was going there and dispatched him with the note. I belatedly realized the secretary could misinterpret why he was there, considering I merely wrote “severe pain in the neck.” —Lena Desjardins, Oakville, Ontario

I was cooking dinner when my six-year-old came in and told me she was writing a song called “What’s that burning smell coming from the kitchen?” Then she walked out, banging her tambourine. @MumInBits

My son walked into the kitchen and said, “I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by 4 is.” I told him it was 11, remainder 3. He said thanks and walked back to the room in which he was doing his homework. —@DevonESawa

My three-year-old granddaughter and I were playing a board game. I explained that the “3+” label on the box meant anyone aged three or older could play the game. The next game we played, she turned the box over. Seeing the first number on the bar code was a nine, she said, “I can’t play!” —Mary-Lynne Stordy, Aurora, Ontario

My five-year-old grandson got some new shoes. I asked him if he liked them, and he said, “I love them but I have to take really small steps.” He lifted his feet to show me. The shoes were still as they had come from the store, with the laces tied together. —Greg Wilmot, Pitt Meadows, B.C.

Here, more grandparents reveal the funniest things their grandkids have said.

As Kids See It cartoon - Teacher and StudentSusan Camilleri Konar
“My dog ate my homework but you’ll be pleased to know that he gave it five stars online.”

My daughter is still getting to grips with the “Would You Rather…?” game. Today she asked me if I’d rather be eaten by a shark or have lovely dinners every day. —@dadofthreeblogs

My son asked me if I would tell his grandma how to cut strawberries the “right way.” —@bekindofwitty

My nine-year-old has wanted to bake a cake for weeks, and today after I finished work we finally did it. Being so busy means it’s easy to forget about making memories with my kids. I can tell she loved every one of the four minutes of it before she went to watch TV and left me to do it all. @threetimedaddy

My six-year-old granddaughter wanted to play a computer game with me. I told her I had never played it before and she would have to teach me how. She replied, “That’s alright, Grandma. It would be my honour to teach you.” —Amanada Mcleod, Salt Spring Island, B.C.

Me: Don’t open the oven door.
My seven-year-old: I just want to see.
Me: Those are meringue cookies. If you open the oven door for anything, they will crack.
My seven-year-old: What if the cat opens the oven door with his paws, gets inside, closes the door behind him and is trapped? Can we open the oven door to save him? —@michaelvogel1

Is putting your feet in the bathtub while your kid takes a bath and tries to stick toys between your toes considered a pedicure? I’m just going to say it is and try to feel pampered. —Carrie Underwood, singer

My 13-year-old said she was sick of relatives asking her, “How’s school?” I wanted to know what she would prefer, and she said she wants to be asked if there’s any drama at school. @copymama

One year my younger sister and a friend went door-to-door with trick-or-treat bags several days before Halloween. When told it wasn’t actually Halloween yet, my sister replied, “We were practicing!” —Elaine Parks, Toronto

I sent my daughter a text and she responded with, “I will look into this. Thank you.” So I guess we’re business associates now. —@_wendyb07

A simple way to get my kids to brush their teeth and do their homework: if they don’t, they have to be a guest on my podcast. —Conan O’Brien, comedian

While taking my five-year-old to his friend’s birthday party, he decided to use the birthday card to squish a bug in the car. His friend is getting a little extra surprise this year. —@kevinthedad

Kid Shaking Easter Bunny CartoonSusan Camilleri Konar
“C’mon, you must know—where did the Easter Bunny hide all the best eggs?”

My six-year-old said that when she grows up she wants to be a “chainsaw guy.” Not sure if she means a professional tree trimmer or a serial killer in a hockey mask. —@xplodingunicorn

When my four-year-old came out of school today his teacher said he’d been a bit quiet and not like his usual self. I asked my son what was the matter. He said, “I’m just uncharged today. I used all my energy playing. Can I charge some more tonight?” —reddit.com

On my 12-year-old’s list of things to be thankful for, she wrote, “People who like me, not just the idea of me.” I’m sorry, but that’s genius. —Busy Philipps, actor

My daughter told me a boy in school asked her out.
Me: What did you say?
My eight-year-old: I said I can speak three languages and was the lead in my camp’s play, and what could he offer? @panagis21

My seven-year-old: Dad, why don’t you grow a beard?
My husband: Your mom wouldn’t like it if I did.
My seven-year-old: Oh, would she be jealous because she can’t grow one? —@wordesse

The funniest thing that ever happened to me as a parent was when my two-year-old had a meltdown and accidentally kicked an electronic toy dinosaur. It said, “Can you feed me?” and my son, through massive sobs, said, “No, I can’t right now, dinosaur,” and continued screaming. —Lucy Huber, writer

My seven-year-old, sweetly: Can we have peace and quiet?
My five-year-old, furiously: No! I want peace and loud! —@lizerreal

I tripped over my kid’s shoes in the middle of the floor, and she said it was my fault because I should have known they are always there. @mcdadstuff

After I tucked my three-year-old into bed, he handed me his water cup and said, “You can freshen this on your way out.” I’ve since updated my résumé to reflect my experience running a hotel. —@fullofmomsense

My twins learned some new adjectives at school today and are currently arguing about whether the dinner I cooked is abominable or diabolical. —@muminbits

One of my students asked me, “Why do you have a bald spot that goes right down the middle of your head?” I have no baldness. It was my hair part. —reddit.com

While at the aquarium, my kid asked me, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian. —@notmythirdrodeo

My toddler is pretending to cook a meal and it involves a lot of screaming and throwing food in a pot. Which means she gets it. —@mommajessiec

Check out the funniest comedies on Netflix right now.

Kids say the funniest things - cartoonMike Shiell

If you’re unable to handle rejection, then you shouldn’t be in showbiz or a parent. —Scott Porteous, Winnipeg

The price of gas made me cave and get my six-year-old that pony for her birthday. —@devonesawa

Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth. —@homewithpeanut

My daughter told me that my belly is squishier than a pillow, so I’ll be accepting applications for a new heir. —@katiedeal99

Me: How’s your pancake?
My three-year-old rubbing the pancake on his face: It’s soft. —@notmythirdrodeo

My five-year-old daughter is confident, happy and not afraid to speak her mind. All these amazing qualities come out at once when she announces to her entire class that she has to poop. —@gfishandnuggets

My daughter just learned about evolution and is now mourning that she didn’t morph from a kitten. —@mom_tho

I’m trying to be grateful for one thing each day. Today I’m grateful that my kids are old enough to make their own dinner after they tell me they hate my cooking. —@sweetmomissa

Love when kids rename things. For example, my kids call snacks “nackies,” granola bars “nolas” and homemade meals “do we have anything else to eat?” —@mommajessiec

Me: We’re going to a surprise party today.
My six-year-old: For me?
Me: No. It’s not your birthday.
My six-year-old: I know. I would be surprised. —@xplodingunicorn

My five-year-old got in the car this morning and asked if we “should roll the windows down and party” and I think I need to approach everything with that level of energy from now on. —@whinecheezits

If I ever want to hear about all the injustice in the world, I just ask my 12-year-old to clear the table after dinner. —@threetimedaddy

Ninety per cent of parenting is convincing your children to participate in basic life necessities. Eat. Sleep. Shower. Repeat. —@kidversations_

My daughter can’t find her glasses, her shoes or her backpack, but she can spot a sliver of onion in a bowl of rice from 10 feet away.

I told my kids they had to share a doughnut and they whipped out a ruler, protractor, scale and magnifying glass. —@struggledisplay

Parenting tip: To keep your kids quiet in the car, let them throw the crumbs from their seats out the window for the birds. For 10 minutes my car was quiet and now it’s a little cleaner. —@fullofmonsense

No parenting book can prepare you for when your three-year-old literally sticks her finger in your nostril and says, “Hey Mom, smell this!” —@wordesse

My son just said IKEA is grown-up Legos and I’ve never felt more connected and seen. —@anagasteyer

Check out more hilarious tweets every parent can relate to.

Reader's Digest Canada
Originally Published in Reader's Digest Canada