Kids Say the Funniest Things

Honestly, where do they come up with this stuff?

Funny Things Kids Say CartoonSusan Camilleri Konar
“A hard pass on the markers—crayon is my medium of choice.”

The Funny Things Kids Say

My two young children were watching me assemble a swing set. Tightening the screws was difficult for me, so I asked their father to come and help. He swaggered out, grinning like the hero, and tightened the screws. My three-year-old blurted out, “Mommy makes things and Daddy screws them up.” —Dale Jewett, Wasaga Beach, Ont.

Me: “Where are your dirty clothes?”
My 10-year-old: “On the floor.”
Me: “Where should they be?”
My 10-year-old: “On the floor where you can’t see them.” @XPlodingUnicorn

I told my daughter to put socks on her baby doll. She responded, “You can’t tell people how to take care of their kids.” —@nyooxo

My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of “something” to school tomorrow, so his choices are Cheerios or my tears. —@deloisivete

My three-year-old son was crying in the car while we were driving. I noticed a police car driving near our car, so I said he shouldn’t cry in front of the police. He quickly stopped. Shortly after, the police car drove ahead and away. My son said, “The police are gone. Can I cry now?” —Ruchi Prasad, Ottawa

When my daughter started elementary school, she made some new friends and they started to go to each other’s houses after school. Every time I picked my daughter up from one of their homes, the mother would make a point of saying what a great job I was doing with her. It was nice of them to say, I thought, but a little over the top. I was just doing what mothers do, wasn’t I?

Eventually I pointed this out to one of them. She patted me on the arm and said, “Yes, you’re doing exactly what her real mother would have wanted you to do.” I soon learned my highly imaginative daughter had told all her friends that her family had been in a shipwreck, her parents had drowned, and I had rescued her and agreed to adopt her.

I had to set the record straight, but I must admit, I miss being treated like a hero in the school playground. —Kay Stead, York, United Kingdom

My six-year-old daughter, to her crying brother: “It’s okay to be sad. Sometimes we need to let our feelings out.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely. Well done. Why is he crying?”
My daughter: “I hit him.” @elspells13

My grown son asked my nine-year-old grandson, “What did you learn at school today?” He responded, “Apparently not enough because I have to go back tomorrow.” —Janie Teasdale, Antigonish, N.S.

Looking for more laughs? Add these funny podcasts to your playlist!

Kids Say The Funniest Things - Baby CartoonSusan Camilleri Konar
“How about that—I’ve just taken my first 10,000 steps.”

I told my 5-year-old that he could have some popcorn if he promised to listen to me more. His response was, “What did you say?” So we’re off to a great start. @Kevinthedad

My son calls the butter shelf in the fridge “the dairy penthouse.” @Itssherifield

I was writing in my journal at the kitchen table while my grandson, age 10, sat beside me eating his cereal. Eli watched my cursive carefully for several minutes, then said, “You should learn how to print. Nobody’s ever going to be able to read that.” —Brenda Nicholson, Rocky Mountain House, Alta.

Last winter, during a period of unpredictable and reduced snowfall, a nearby ski resort got snow-making machines. When I told a 10-year-old I know that the machines could generate enough snow to cover 10 football fields, the kid quickly interjected, “Why don’t they use the snow to cover the ski slopes instead?” —Deepak Vohra, White Rock, B.C.

My husband and I have a 3-year-old who believes the whole world revolves around her. One night, when her dad was out socializing, she asked me what he was doing. I told her he was having fun with his friends. She replied in a shocked voice, “He can’t be having fun there when I’m here!” —Shawna Mathieson, Watson, Sask.

My kid asked me what gaslighting is, but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing. @Ihidefrommykids

My daughter was lecturing the cat about eating too much and I’m nervous that I’m next. @Katiedeal99

My husband showed our 5-year-old son a picture of himself at the age of 16 and asked Harri if he knew who it was. He stared at it for a long time before replying, “It’s me when I’m bigger!” —Shulah Clarkson, Great Yarmouth, U.K.

4-year-old: Mom, the whistle makes my brain hurt.
Me: Mine, too.
4-year-old: *blows whistle again* —@Deloisivete

After picking up our 4-year-old granddaughter from school, I was trying to get her changed out of her uniform into something casual when my husband started teasing her. All her squirming and screaming with delight wasn’t helpful for the task at hand, so I asked my husband, “Why don’t you go and make us some tea?” When he left, our granddaughter Claudia looked at me and said, “That should keep him busy.” —Rose Demmer, Oakville, Ont.

While getting my two kids ready for a long road trip, I asked them to please not ask “How much longer until we get there?” I said we would be travelling all day and wouldn’t arrive at our destination until dark. An hour into our journey my 6-year-old piped up, “How much longer until it’s dark?” —Heather Trundle, 100 Mile House, B.C.

Here are 25 knock-knock jokes that are genuinely funny!

Kids say the funniest things cartoonRose Anne Prevec
“Much better! I swapped our bowls so they match the shape of our faces.”

My three-year-old as she pulls out a chess board from a storage box: “I haven’t played this in years!” —

My son is arguing with my husband about a math problem. My husband is an engineer. My son is in Grade 4. His confidence is strong. @Bunandleggings

I overheard my 11-year-old daughter record her voice mail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it. —@Dad_at_law

One day my nine-year-old son came home from school and joyfully told me, “My friend said that if we press the airplane mode button on a cellphone, it might be able to fly away like an airplane!” —Janis Chen-Yi Ko, New Westminster, B.C.

A woman in the bathroom stall next to me was struggling to convince her toddler to use the facilities. “You need to go,” I heard her plead. “It’s been two days!” The toddler responded, “But my poop wants to stay home.” —Rita Hickey, Brampton, Ont.

We went to a nice hotel for lunch the other day. Afterward, we stopped at the valet booth to ask them to retrieve our car. My toddler asked the attendant inside, “Is this your house?” —

My four-year-old daughter was sitting in an adjacent room and sneezed. After a brief pause, a little voice came from the room: “Isn’t anyone going to ‘bless you’ me?” —Stacey Thompson, Oshawa, Ont.

When we’re in the car, my daughter and I have a game where she plays a song and I guess the artist and title within seconds of listening. She’s unaware the song information is on the dashboard. @Djlevela

My granddaughter was looking at old photos of her father, taken before our family immigrated to Canada. “Thank you for bringing my dad,” she told me. “Otherwise, me and my sister would be here alone with our mom!” —Mirjana Kovacevic, Toronto

My son just turned three, so I took him for his yearly checkup. The doctor asked him what his favourite fruit was, and he said cheese. @Dadof2crazyboys

I was making my toddler a peanut butter and jam sandwich. She examined the containers and I asked her which one would be more dangerous if it fell on the tile floor. She said, “The glass one because then we’d have no more jam!” —Ashley Ashfield, Hampton, N.B.

When we passed a wind turbine farm, my son asked me if they make the fans go faster when it gets hot. —Richard Merrick, Orangeville, Ont.

These hilarious birthday jokes are sure to make you smile!

As Kids See It CartoonMike Shiell
“The paper boy is here to collect.”

My toddler asked what my favourite animal is, and if I’d known she was going to spend three hours calling me the name of this animal I would not have said manatee. —@Lottie_Poppie

I gently woke up my four-year-old to get ready for daycare. He sadly said, “You broke my dream,” rolled over and pulled the covers over his head. —

In case you’ve ever doubted the brilliance of a toddler, mine just told me that a kid in her daycare is allergic to peanut butter so I have to send her chocolate instead. —@Reallifemommy3

After I dumped a load of warm towels out to be folded my three-year-old curled up in the towels and said, “I just want to be laundry.” —

Me: What are you looking forward to doing as a grown-up?
My four-year-old: I’m not doing that. —@Lifepitts

My wife was trying to tell our five-year-old a story and two minutes in, he interrupts to say, “Who are you even talking to?” —@KevinTheDad

My 13-year-old had to draw a woman he admires for an art project and when he told me he chose me, my heart almost exploded. But then he said, “My sister is too little so you were the only other choice.” —@SnarkyMommy78

My daughter said she can’t wait to have kids. I asked her why and she said, “So they can bring me stuff when it’s in another room.” —@HollyBallantine

Me: Different people believe in different things.
My daughter: Like how some people believe in unicorns and some believe in turtles. —@KatieDeal99

My four-year-old learned all about wrinkles today after she asked me where I got my forehead stripes. —

“Why does he have stickers on his teeth?” My three-year-old daughter when she saw a picture of her cousin after he got braces. —

“I don’t need pants. I can pretend my legs are pants.” My five-year-old getting dressed after bath time. —

My five-year-old: Why are we named after a vegetable?
Me: What do you mean?
My five-year-old: Human Beans. —

My three-year-old asked if they had batteries inside them. When I told them no, they asked, “Then how come I can talk?” —

My four-year-old will not fall asleep. She said it’s because she wonders what she looks like when she’s sleeping and it’s keeping her awake. —@AOTAKEO

My five-year-old made us breakfast in bed yesterday. He brought orange juice and cereal, and when I asked where the toast and eggs were, he replied: “Make it yourself, this isn’t Hogwarts.” —@GrahamKritzer

I asked my five-year-old to share her grapes with her brother and she said, “I haven’t figured that out how to do that yet,” and carried on eating the grapes. —@MumInBits

An elderly relative looked at my six-month-old and exclaimed, “I bet you just get all the attention, don’t you?” My five-year-old said, “She can’t get all the attention, she doesn’t even have any teeth!” —

Next, check out these funny parenting quotes every mom and dad will relate to.

Reader's Digest Canada
Originally Published in Reader's Digest Canada