Kids Say the Funniest Things

Honestly, where do they come up with this stuff?

As Kids See It CartoonIllustration: Mike Shiell
“The paper boy is here to collect.”

My toddler asked what my favourite animal is, and if I’d known she was going to spend three hours calling me the name of this animal I would not have said manatee. —@Lottie_Poppie

I gently woke up my four-year-old to get ready for daycare. He sadly said, “You broke my dream,” rolled over and pulled the covers over his head. —

In case you’ve ever doubted the brilliance of a toddler, mine just told me that a kid in her daycare is allergic to peanut butter so I have to send her chocolate instead. —@Reallifemommy3

After I dumped a load of warm towels out to be folded my three-year-old curled up in the towels and said, “I just want to be laundry.” —

Me: What are you looking forward to doing as a grown-up?
My four-year-old: I’m not doing that. —@Lifepitts

My wife was trying to tell our five-year-old a story and two minutes in, he interrupts to say, “Who are you even talking to?” —@KevinTheDad

My 13-year-old had to draw a woman he admires for an art project and when he told me he chose me, my heart almost exploded. But then he said, “My sister is too little so you were the only other choice.” —@SnarkyMommy78

My daughter said she can’t wait to have kids. I asked her why and she said, “So they can bring me stuff when it’s in another room.” —@HollyBallantine

Me: Different people believe in different things.
My daughter: Like how some people believe in unicorns and some believe in turtles. —@KatieDeal99

My four-year-old learned all about wrinkles today after she asked me where I got my forehead stripes. —

“Why does he have stickers on his teeth?” My three-year-old daughter when she saw a picture of her cousin after he got braces. —

“I don’t need pants. I can pretend my legs are pants.” My five-year-old getting dressed after bath time. —

My five-year-old: Why are we named after a vegetable?
Me: What do you mean?
My five-year-old: Human Beans. —

My three-year-old asked if they had batteries inside them. When I told them no, they asked, “Then how come I can talk?” —

My four-year-old will not fall asleep. She said it’s because she wonders what she looks like when she’s sleeping and it’s keeping her awake. —@AOTAKEO

My five-year-old made us breakfast in bed yesterday. He brought orange juice and cereal, and when I asked where the toast and eggs were, he replied: “Make it yourself, this isn’t Hogwarts.” —@GrahamKritzer

I asked my five-year-old to share her grapes with her brother and she said, “I haven’t figured that out how to do that yet,” and carried on eating the grapes. —@MumInBits

An elderly relative looked at my six-month-old and exclaimed, “I bet you just get all the attention, don’t you?” My five-year-old said, “She can’t get all the attention, she doesn’t even have any teeth!” —

Check out more hilarious tweets every parent can relate to.

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Reader's Digest Canada
Originally Published in Reader's Digest Canada