I have recently been seeing a therapist to help with the health anxieties that have been plaguing me ever since my heart attack. The therapist is a Cognitive Behaviourist, and she has me working from a book where I recount the times when my mood took a turn for the worse, which we later discuss in person. These are my most recent entries:
Trying to broaden my horizons, I decided to listen to some award-winning throat singing. The music scared me and made me very anxious, which brought on a panic attack. As I hyperventilated, rocking back and forth, the dog thought I wanted to play and began to bark hysterically.
YOUR MOODS (rate each mood 0-100%)
YOUR THOUGHTS (highlight the HOT thought)
Throat singing sounds like an Ayahuasca hallucination.
It is demonic.
The Amityville Horror.
Is there a ghost in the apartment?
HOT THOUGHT: WAS THERE EVER A MURDER IN THIS APARTMENT?
The bedroom is always cold. Maybe the murder took place in the bedroom?
I can’t breathe.
I am going to die.
Will the dog eat me when I die?
How many days/hours will pass before the dog begins to eat me?
I took a Buzzfeed quiz on Facebook and it said the city I should actually live in is Portland, which was stupid and insulting.
I don’t even do yoga.
I hate hippies, plaid and Tonya Harding.
The city I should actually live in is New York.
BuzzFeed are a bunch of morons.
HOT THOUGHT: I SHOULD SUE BUZZFEED.
And when I win, move to New York.
Although I am curious about Bigfoot, and he lives near Portland.
Maybe Buzzfeed knows something I don’t.
Feeling insecure and judged.
And a little cold. Damn blood thinners.
I watched a video on global warming and then felt hot and panicky. I took my temperature and it was fine, so I took it again and it was still fine. Then I thought the thermometer must be broken and I was probably experiencing the onset of a fatal heart attack.
Abject Terror: 200%
Anger at Big Oil and Thermometer-Making Companies: 120%
At least I’ll be spared dying of a catastrophic flood or something.
I hope the heart attack is quick and painless.
I wonder if Anthony would fly back from Africa for my funeral?
HOT THOUGHT: ANTHONY IS FULL OF HIMSELF.