144 Doctor Jokes That Prove Laughter Is the Best Medicine
Updated: May 08, 2024
Here's a prescription for doctor jokes, hospital humor, medical puns and more to cure your laughter deficiency. But no, it's not covered by insurance.
Despite the title of this article, four out of five doctors actually say medicine is the best medicine (and that fifth doctor wears a red clown nose, so believe him at your own risk). However, laughter was probably the first medicine, since sometimes the only way to feel better is to have a big belly laugh. Jokes are like chicken soup for our smiles when we’re sick or injured, and offer a light catharsis to medical professionals during their stressful shifts. Every situation is better with a chuckle, which is why you want nurse jokes in the emergency room, dentist jokes during root canal, and the funniest jokes of all time for an audit. So for that reason, and because we are (rightfully) not allowed to give you drugs, these jokes are the medicine we’re offering.
Doctor jokes
- Doctor: “There’s good news and bad news. The bad news is, you have partial short-term memory loss.”
Patient: “Oh no, Doctor. What’s the bad news?”
- Doctor: “Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?”
Patient: “Give me the good news.”
Doctor: “You’re about to have a disease named after you.”
- Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
- Patient: “Doctor, I think I need glasses.”
Teller: “You certainly do! This is a bank.”
- Patient: “Doctor, I broke my arm in two places.”
Doctor: “Stop going to those places.”
- Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a dog.”
Doctor: “How long have you felt like this?”
Patient: “Since I was a puppy.”
- Patient: “Doctor, are the test results ready yet? I’m dying of curiosity!”
Doctor: “Actually, not only from curiosity.”
- Doctor: “You’re losing a lot of blood and need an infusion. What’s your blood type?!”
Patient: “B positive.”
Doctor: “I’m trying, but you’ve lost a lot of blood.”
- Doctor: “You’re as healthy as a horse!”
Patient: “That’s great.”
Doctor: “A horse with kidney stones.”
- Doctor: “I’m sorry, but you only have five minutes to live.”
Patient: “Five minutes?! Is there anything I can do?”
Doctor: “Boil an egg?”
- Patient: “Doctor, I have a ringing in my ear.”
Doctor: “Then whatever you do, don’t answer it.”
- Patient: “Doctor, everyone hates me.”
Doctor: “Don’t be ridiculous. Not everyone has met you.”
- Doctor: “Bad news: Your white blood cells are elevated.”
Patient: “What does that mean?”
Doctor: “Up.”
- Patient: “Doctor, Doctor! My son just swallowed a roll of film!”
Doctor: “Let’s hope nothing develops.”
- Patient: “Doctor, it hurts when I do this.”
Doctor: “Then don’t do that.”
- Patient: “Doctor, my throat is sore.”
Doctor: “Go to the window and stick out your tongue.”
Patient: “Will that make me feel better?”
Doctor: “No, I just hate my neighbor.”
- Patient: “Doctor, my child swallowed a pen. What should I do?”
Doctor: “Use a pencil.”
- Patient: “Doctor, will be able to play in the band?”
Doctor: “No. You have Tuba-culosis.”
- Patient: “Doctor, every time I look into the mirror, I get sick to my stomach. What’s wrong with me?”
Doctor: “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”
- Patient: “Doctor, my leg hurts. What should I do?”
Doctor: “Limp.”
- Patient: “Doctor, I was bitten by a radioactive spider!”
Doctor: “Congratulations! You get a movie franchise.”
And in case the conversation with your doctor goes badly, here are some of the funniest last words ever uttered.
Medical jokes
- Want to hear about that new do-it-yourself orthodontist? Brace yourself.
- It takes guts to be an organ donor.
- You can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely.
- I went to the library to get a medical book on abdominal pain, but somebody had ripped the appendix out.
- Medical students hate the test on kidney stones, it’s the hardest to pass.
- I once heard a joke about amnesia but I forgot how it goes.
- Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine but CAT-scan.
- I just had a successful liver transplant operation. That surgeon really de-livered!
- The plague, the flu and common cold walk into a doctor’s office. The doctor asks, “What is this? Some kind of sick joke?”
- For years, I was against organ transplants. Then I had a change of heart.
- The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-Tip, but it went in one ear and out the other.
- I have a mysterious illness where I seem to get sick only during the work week. My doctor says it’s a weekend immune system.
- The doctor told a patient, “You have acute appendicitis.” The patient replied, “Is that better than an ugly one?”
- I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport puns. The doctor says it’s terminal.
- I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.
- Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
Need to keep your little ones in stitches? Here are more short jokes for kids.
Medical puns
- PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.
- A friend of mine made so many rash decisions that he became a dermatologist.
- Nurse: “Wow, that cut looks terrible. Do you want me to stitch it up?” Patient: “No, thanks.” Nurse: “Fine, suture self.”
- I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.
- I considered inventing a new pill for erectile dysfunction but decided the competition was too stiff.
- Doctors are like God: people also put off seeing them until it’s time to die.
- The infectious diseases ward of the hospital has the best Wi-Fi because of all of the hotspots.
- I only trust happy doctors, which is why my primary care physician is Dr. Phil Goode.
- I went on a date with a beautiful cardiologist. My heart was racing the whole time.
- My doctor said I only have 10 weeks to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill, he gave me another six months.
- My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror.
- Why do surgeons wear masks? So no one will recognize them if they make a mistake.
- What do you never want to hear after you get a prostate exam? “Anyway, the doctor should be in shortly.”
- How is an ER like a hot nightclub? People are dying to get in.
- What’s the one procedure that has never ended in a patient’s death? An autopsy.
- A skeleton goes to the doctor. The doctor sizes up the skeleton, then says, “Aren’t you a little late?”
- My doctor told me to run 5 miles a day. When he called in two weeks for a follow-up, I was 140 miles from home.
Need another quick shot of humor? Check out these short jokes anyone can remember.
Medical dad jokes
- What do you call a pony with a cough?
A little horse.
- Why did the shark call the doctor after eating a clownfish?
It tasted funny.
- Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
Only if your aim is good!
- What’s one thing you never want to hear in the middle of surgery?
“Didn’t I have a watch?”
- Why did the vampire go to the doctor?
So much coffin!
- What did the doctor prescribe to the man with excessive flatulence?
A kite.
- Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
- Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
He had low elf-esteem.
- What did the balloon say to the doctor?
“I feel light-headed.”
- Why wasn’t I able to play the piano after my surgery?
Because they removed that organ.
- What did the helpless T cell say when facing infection?
“Is there antibody out there?”
- Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
- Why did the banana go to the doctor?
He wasn’t peeling well.
- Why did the doctor tell the nurses to be quiet when walking past the medicine cabinet?
So they don’t wake the sleeping pills.
- What type of dogs deliver blood test results?
Laboratory retrievers
- Who is the flu’s favorite Star Wars character?
Achoo-Detoo.
These don’t stop when you leave the doctor’s office. Here are even more Dad jokes!
Lab jokes
- They’ve just found a gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.
- Two blood cells met and fell in love. But alas, it was all in vein.
- People think diabetes jokes are too harsh, but c’mon, it’s not like we can sugarcoat them.
- Genetic testing revealed that my DNA is backwards. I was like, “AND?”
- Honestly, I prefer can’t-cer.
- I used to work in the lab with an incredibly ambitious guy who was obsessed with collecting skulls. Just obsessed! Like he would do anything to get a head.
- After a long conversation, my wife and I have decided that we won’t vaccinate our kids. We think a doctor would do a way better job.
- When I went back to the medical lab to have some blood drawn, I was greeted with a battery of questions from the technician. “Has your address changed?” she asked. “No,” I answered. “Your phone number?” “No.” “What about your birthday?”
- A biologist grew human vocal cords from stem cells in the lab. The results speak for themselves.
- What’s the opposite of antibiotics? Unclebiotics.
- A new study finds repeating false statistics is hereditary. At least that’s what my dad says.
- Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your genes.
Wish to study more laughter? Experiment with this list of the best science jokes.
Doc, doc knock-knock jokesÂ
- Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble!
- Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Colin.
Colin who?
Colin the doctor! I’m sick!
- Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Minneapolis.
Minneapolis who?
Minneapolis a day keeps the doctor away!
- Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Interrupting tongue depressor.
Interrupting tongue de–
AHHHHHHHHH!
- Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Doctor.
Doctor Who?
No, that’s a TV show. I’m a medical professional.
- Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Ah.
Ah who?
No, it’s achoo. If you can’t even sneeze right, you must be very sick!
- Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Tish.
Tish who?
Yes, thanks. I just sneezed.
- Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Sarah.
Sarah who?
Sarah doctor in the house?
Someone’s still at your door: it’s this list of the best “Knock, knock” jokes.
Prognosis puns
- Do you have a bladder infection?
Ooh, ur-ine trouble.
- What is it called when you can’t sleep but instead eat all night?
Insomnomnomnia.
- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.
- Why don’t yogurt and medicine get along?
One is probiotic, and the other is antibiotic!
- What do you call frozen Ibuprofen?
A chill pill.
- What happens when you steal somebody’s heart?
You get cardiac arrested.
- Why do nurses bring red markers to work?
To draw blood.
- Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organ-ized.
- Why are pediatricians always annoyed?
Because they have such little patients!
- What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
“The doctor’s taking us out tonight.”
- Why can you never lie to an X-ray technician?
Because they see right through you.
- What do you prescribe to a sick lemon?
Lemon-aid!
- Why did the cell phone go see an eye doctor?
Because it needed some new contacts.
- What should you call if you hurt your foot?
A toe truck.
- Why should you trust the surgeons who are repairing your slipped disk?
Because they have your back!
- Why did the window go to the doctor?
It had a lot of pane.
- How did the cat know it was sick?
It wasn’t feline well.
- What do you call an alligator’s nurse?
Gator-aid.
- Why did I keep losing at hide and seek in the hospital?
I always hid in the ICU.
- Why is everyone so sick of optometry puns?
- They keep getting cornea.
Glutton for pun-ishment? Here are the best puns, to make you pun-stoppable.
Hospital jokes
- One day in the pediatric clinic, a nurse handed a young patient a urine sample container and told him to fill it up in the bathroom. A few minutes later, he returned with an empty cup and said, “I didn’t need this after all. There was a toilet.”
- As I was admitted to the hospital prior to a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, “I’m going to give you a bracelet.” “Has it got rubies and diamonds?” I asked coyly. “No,” he said, “But it costs just as much.”
- Years of smoking finally caught up with my friend John one morning when he keeled over at work, clutching his heart. He was rushed to a hospital and peppered with questions. “Do you smoke?” asked a paramedic. “No,” John whispered. “I quit.” “That”s good. When did you quit?” “Around 9:30 this morning.”
- A patient in the Emergency Room filled out a form. After Name and Address, the next question was “Nearest Relative.” She wrote “Walking distance.”
- When a patient was wheeled into our emergency room, the nurse on duty asked, “On a scale of 0 to 10, with zero representing no pain and 10 representing excruciating pain, where is your pain level is now?” The patient snapped, “How should I know? I’m terrible at math!”
- A patient is super nervous, before their first surgery. So the anesthesiologist reassures them, “This is a very simple procedure.” The patient relaxes… until the anesthesiologist adds, “Heck, you havea better chance of dying from the anesthesia!”
- An Emergency Room Nurse asks, “So, what brings you here?” The patient looks around confused, then replies: “An ambulance.”
- An 88-year-old woman is rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion. The doctor asks her a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at County General.” “What city are you in?” “Portland.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Greene.” Satisfied, the doctor walks away… but then the elderly woman turns to the nurse and says, “Phew! I’m glad he didn’t ask me any further questions.” “Why?” “Because all of those answers were on his badge.”
- A woman calls her mother. “Mom? Don’t freak out, but I’m in the hospital…” “Stephanie, you’ve been a doctor for over eight years. Stop starting every phone conversation we have like that.”
- A harried man runs into an emergency room. “Nurse! Nurse! My wife’s in labor! But she keeps screaming, ‘Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, can’t!'” “Oh, that’s okay,” says the nurse. “She’s just having contractions.”
- A man calls the mental hospital and asks the receptionist if he can talk to the patient in room 42. They go to check, then return to report that room 42 is empty. The man sighs, relieved, “So I really did escape!”
- Hospitals would be a lot more popular if they rebranded themselves as really, really intense spas.
- Never understood why so many hospitals are named after saints. If I need a serious surgery, I want to go somewhere named after a person who’s famous for not dying.
- Doing rounds, a new nurse kept overhearing a surgeon yelling, “Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!” Confused, they asked a colleague, “Why does he keep doing that?” They explained, “Oh, he likes to call the shots around here.”
For after you’re discharged, here are the best work-from-home jokes.
Long doctor jokes
Do you need a fork?
A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. “What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”
A cure-all
A guy suffering from a miserable cold begs his doctor for relief. The doctor prescribes pills. But after a week, the guy’s still sick. So the doctor gives him a shot. But that doesn’t help his condition either. On his third visit, the doctor thinks for a beat, then says, “Okay, this is what I want you to do. Go home. Take a hot bath. Then throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.” The patient protests, “But I’ll get pneumonia!” The doctor nods, “I know. And that I can cure.”
A matter of perspective
A rich businessman starts choking on a fish bone at a restaurant. Fortunately, a doctor seated at a nearby table springs up and performs the Heimlich maneuver to save his life. “Thank you, thank you!” said the businessman. “Please, allow me to pay you for this.. Name your fee.” The doctor considers this, then says, “How about half of what you’d have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?”
My job is better …
During an appointment, a lawyer chats with their doctor, saying, “My job is the best. People come into my office, tell me their problems, and pay me for my advice.” The doctor chuckled, “Well, at my job, people come into my office, tell me their problems, take off all their clothes, and then pay me for my advice.”
Handwriting handicap
Our nephew was getting married to a doctor’s daughter. At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion. But after a particularly long pause, he explained, “I’m sorry. I can’t make out what I’ve written down. Is there a pharmacist in the house?”
It could always be worse
I’d just come home from my sixth medical appointment of the week with one more to go, so I was in a lousy mood when my daughter called. I griped to her, “Is there anything worse than seven doctors?” My daughter said, “Yes. One coroner.”
The fountain of youth
A doctor has this patient who loves Botox, like she can’t stop getting the injections. But surprisingly, when the doctor reminds her to get a flu shot, she shudders and says, “I hate needles.” The doctor is surprised for a beat, then adds, “Did I mention it will make your arm look younger?”
A family vote
After a checkup, a doctor asks his patient, “Is there anything else you’d like to discuss?” “Well,” goes the patient, “I’m thinking about getting a vasectomy.” “That’s a big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?” “Yes, we took a vote… and they’re in favor of it 15 to 2.”
We’re not that close
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs 10 miles to a small town and finds its only doctor… but they’re delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground.” The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. He cries out, “What did the doctor say?” “…He says you’re gonna die.”
Doctor, doctor
Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. The first doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.” St. Peter lets him enter. The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.” St. Peter tells him to go ahead. The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care.” St. Peter replies, “You may enter. But,” he adds, “you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”
Doctor’s note
A doctor was in the middle of giving a man a colonoscopy when the man asked if the doctor could do him a favor. After a nervous beat, the doctor said “Depends. What’s the favor?” “Could you write a note for my wife saying that you took a look but didn’t find my head up there?”
News too late
Jim wasn’t able to make his doctor’s appointment for Tuesday, so he rescheduled it for two days later. When Jim sees his doctor on Thursday, the Doctor says they have good news and bad news. “The good news is I got your test results, and you have 48 hours to live.” Jim is outraged, “That’s the good news?! What’s the bad news?” “This appointment was originally scheduled for Tuesday.”
Scary news
Mrs. Chen goes to her doctor’s office with a seemingly incurable case of hiccups. A doctor examines her, and after a few minutes, she is seen running out of the office, screaming. A nurse stops her and asks if everything is okay. After Mrs. Chen explains what happened, the nurse marches back to the doctor and says, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Chen is 63 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her that she was pregnant?” The doctor smiles, “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t I?”
Better before
An old lady goes to the doctor with a unique problem: she constantly farts, but they are always silent and never smell. To illustrate her point, she lets one go and says: “See, Doctor? No sound, no smell.” The doctor nods, gives her a prescription, and asks her to return in a week to see how she’s progressing. One week later, the old lady returns, saying, “I don’t know what you gave me, doc, but now my farts smell horrible!” The doctor replies, “Great! Now that we fixed your sinuses, we can work on your hearing.”
It was a long time ago
My wife is pregnant, so my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before. I replied, “Yes just once.” The doctor asked, “What was it like?” I said, “Dark, then suddenly very bright.”
Falling flat
A man returns to the U.S. after a trip abroad, feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and finds the phone by his bed ringing. He picks it up; it’s his doctor, saying, “We got the results back from your tests and found you have an incredibly nasty virus that is extremely contagious!” The man immediately panics, asking, “What are you going to do, doctor?” “Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes and quesadillas.” “Will that cure me?” asks the man, hopeful. “No,” the doctor replies, “But it’s the only food we can slide under the door.”
Pep-talk
Right before performing a major operation, the surgeon quietly says, “Relax, Jim. It’s just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic.” The patient turns confused and says, “Um, Doctor? My name is not Jim.” The doctor replies, “I know. I’m Jim.”
A short cut
Lenny tells a psychiatrist, “Every time I climb into bed, I panic, thinking there’s somebody underneath it.” The therapist nods and says he can cure Lenny, if he sees him three times a week for two years, at $200 a visit. Lenny says he’ll think about it. Six months later, Lenny runs into the psychiatrist, who asks why he never came back. Lenny chuckles, “For $200 a visit? A bartender cured me for $10.” “Is that so! How?” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”
Have a tax appointment next? Keep laughing with these accounting jokes.
Why trust us
Reader’s Digest has been telling jokes for more than 100 years, curated and reviewed over the last 20 years by Senior Features Editor Andy Simmons, a humor editor formerly of National Lampoon and the author of Now That’s Funny. We’ve earned prestigious ASME awards for our humor—including comical quips, pranks, puns, cartoons, one-liners, knock-knock jokes, riddles, memes, tweets and stories in laugh-out-loud magazine columns such as “Life in These United States,” “All in a Day’s Work,” “Laughter, the Best Medicine” and “Humor in Uniform,” as well as online collections such as short jokes, dad jokes and bad jokes so bad, they’re great. You can find a century of humor in our 2022 compendium, Reader’s Digest: Laughter, the Best Medicine. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Originally Published: May 08, 2024
