20 Funny Thanksgiving Quotes to Share Around the Table
Gobble them up!
On traditional celebrations
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighbourhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
On Thanksgiving reunions: “Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
On leftovers: “Cooking tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
On Thanksgiving attire: “Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
On prepping the turkey: “I took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
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On Thanksgiving gravy
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.” —Erma Bombeck
On Thanksgiving traditions: “The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?” —Jim Gaffigan
On types of turkey: “If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkey. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.” —Mitch Hedberg
On vegetables: “Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
On turkeys as a species: “If you want to save a species, simply decide to eat it. Then it will be managed—like chickens, like turkeys, like deer, like Canadian geese.” —Ted Nugent
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On home cooking
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.” —Rita Rudner
On hunting your own Thanksgiving turkey: “Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
On alternate Thanksgiving meals: “We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
On the holiday season: “Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
On eating too much: “You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
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On apple pie recipes
“If you wish to make an apple pie truly from scratch, you must first invent the universe.” —Carl Sagan
On Thanksgiving firsts: “I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
On Thanksgiving as patriotism: “Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
On optimism: “An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
On the spirit of Thanksgiving: “Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
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