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20 Funny Thanksgiving Quotes to Share Around the Table

Gobble them up!

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Funny Thanksgiving quotesPhoto: Tatiana Ayazo, RD.com/Shutterstock

Jon Stewart on traditional celebrations

“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighbourhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart

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Funny Thanksgiving quotes - Johnny CarsonTATIANA AYAZO /RD.COM, SHUTTERSTOCK

Johnny Carson on Thanksgiving reunions 

“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson

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Funny Thanksgiving Quotes - Nicole HollanderTATIANA AYAZO /RD.COM, SHUTTERSTOCK

Nicole Hollander on Thanksgiving leftovers

“Cooking tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander

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Funny Thanksgiving Quotes - Kevin JamesTATIANA AYAZO /RD.COM, SHUTTERSTOCK

Kevin James on Thanksgiving attire

“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James

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Funny Thanksgiving Quotes - Phyllis DillerTATIANA AYAZO /RD.COM, SHUTTERSTOCK

Phyllis Diller on prepping the turkey

“I took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller

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Erma Bombeck quotePhoto: Tatiana Ayazo, RD.com/Shutterstock

Erma Bombeck on Thanksgiving gravy

“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.” —Erma Bombeck

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Funny Thanksgiving Quotes - Jim GaffiganTATIANA AYAZO /RD.COM, SHUTTERSTOCK

Jim Gaffigan on Thanksgiving traditions

“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?” —Jim Gaffigan

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Funny Thanksgiving Quotes - Mitch HedbergTATIANA AYAZO /RD.COM, SHUTTERSTOCK

Mitch Hedberg on types of turkey

“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkey. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.” —Mitch Hedberg

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Funny Thanksgiving Quotes - Jim DavisTATIANA AYAZO /RD.COM, SHUTTERSTOCK

Jim Davis on the Thanksgiving menu

“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis

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Funny Thanksgiving Quotes - Ted NugentTATIANA AYAZO /RD.COM, SHUTTERSTOCK

Ted Nugent on turkeys as a species

“If you want to save a species, simply decide to eat it. Then it will be managed—like chickens, like turkeys, like deer, like Canadian geese.” —Ted Nugent

Don’t miss these hilarious Tweets about food!

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Rita Rudner quotePhoto: Tatiana Ayazo, RD.com/Shutterstock

Rita Rudner on home cooking

“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.” —Rita Rudner (Sounds like these Thanksgiving turkey tips could come in handy!)

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Funny Thanksgiving Quotes - Kenny RogersonTATIANA AYAZO /RD.COM, SHUTTERSTOCK

Kenny Rogerson on hunting your own Thanksgiving turkey

“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson

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Funny Thanksgiving Quotes - George CarlinTATIANA AYAZO /RD.COM, SHUTTERSTOCK

George Carlin on alternate Thanksgiving meals

“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin

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Funny Thanksgiving Quotes - Richard RoeperTATIANA AYAZO /RD.COM, SHUTTERSTOCK

Richard Roeper on the holiday season

“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper

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Funny Thanksgiving Quotes - Jay LenoTATIANA AYAZO /RD.COM, SHUTTERSTOCK

Jay Leno on overeating at Thanksgiving

“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno

Not feeling the attitude of gratitude this year? Here are 30+ reasons to be thankful this Thanksgiving.

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Carl Sagan quotePhoto: Tatiana Ayazo, RD.com/Shutterstock

Carl Sagan on apple pie recipes

“If you wish to make an apple pie truly from scratch, you must first invent the universe.” —Carl Sagan

Psst—these are the best apples for apple pie!

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Funny Thanksgiving Quotes - Andre KelleyTATIANA AYAZO /RD.COM, SHUTTERSTOCK

Andre Kelley on Thanksgiving firsts

“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley

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Funny Thanksgiving Quotes - Michael DresserTATIANA AYAZO /RD.COM, SHUTTERSTOCK

Michael Dresser on Thanksgiving as patriotism

“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser

Don’t miss this roundup of hilarious short jokes!

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Funny Thanksgiving Quotes - Irv KupcinetTATIANA AYAZO /RD.COM, SHUTTERSTOCK

Irv Kupcinet on optimism

“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet

Looking for more laughs? Check out the funniest Reader’s Digest jokes of all time!

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Funny Thanksgiving Quotes - Howie MandelTATIANA AYAZO /RD.COM, SHUTTERSTOCK

Howie Mandel on being south of the border for American Thanksgiving

“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that?”

Check out more hilarious jokes from Canada’s up-and-coming comedy stars.

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Funny Thanksgiving Quotes - Stephen ColbertTATIANA AYAZO /RD.COM, SHUTTERSTOCK

Stephen Colbert on the spirit of Thanksgiving

“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert

Next, check out these hilarious Butterball help line calls!

Originally Published in Reader's Digest