Funny Thanksgiving Quotes to Share Around the Table

20 Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

Johnny Carson on Thanksgiving reunions

“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson

Nicole Hollander on Thanksgiving leftovers

“Cooking tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander

(Psst—here’s why you actually shouldn’t wrap your leftovers in foil.)

Kevin James on Thanksgiving attire

“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James

These funny food tweets are sure to make you smile!

Phyllis Diller on prepping the turkey

“I took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller

These chicken jokes are anything but fowl.

Erma Bombeck on Thanksgiving gravy

“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.” —Erma Bombeck

Keep the laughs coming with this collection of family jokes.

Jim Gaffigan on Thanksgiving traditions

“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?” —Jim Gaffigan

Don’t miss this roundup of the best Canadian jokes of all time.

Mitch Hedberg on types of turkey

“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkey. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.” —Mitch Hedberg

Here are 10 funny podcasts worth adding to your playlist.

Jim Davis on the Thanksgiving menu

“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis

You’ll want to add these tasty fall pie recipes to your Thanksgiving menu.

Ted Nugent on turkeys as a species

“If you want to save a species, simply decide to eat it. Then it will be managed—like chickens, like turkeys, like deer, like Canadian geese.” —Ted Nugent

Kick off your festive feast with these incredible Thanksgiving appetizers.

Rita Rudner on home cooking

“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.” —Rita Rudner

(Sounds like these Thanksgiving turkey tips could come in handy!)

Kenny Rogerson on hunting your own Thanksgiving turkey

“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson

Surprise—these knock-knock jokes are genuinely hilarious!

George Carlin on alternate Thanksgiving meals

“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin

Try these quick tricks to make store-bought stuffing taste homemade.

Richard Roeper on the holiday season

“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper

Pretty soon, it’ll be time for these funny holiday jokes!

Jay Leno on overeating at Thanksgiving

“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno

Not feeling the attitude of gratitude this year? Here’s expert advice on how to be a more thankful person.

Carl Sagan on apple pie recipes

“If you wish to make an apple pie truly from scratch, you must first invent the universe.” —Carl Sagan

Psst—these are the best apples for apple pie!

Andre Kelley on Thanksgiving firsts

“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley

Check out more clean jokes you can safely share with the whole family.

Michael Dresser on Thanksgiving as patriotism

“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser

Settling in for the long weekend? Here are the best comedies on Netflix right now.

Irv Kupcinet on optimism

“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet

You won’t believe these funny (but real!) Butterball turkey help line calls.

Howie Mandel on being south of the border for American Thanksgiving

“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that?” —Howie Mandel

Here are more knee-slappers from 50 up-and-coming Canadian comedians.

Stephen Colbert on the spirit of Thanksgiving

“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert

If you enjoyed these funny Thanksgiving quotes, be sure to check out our favourite Halloween jokes.