22 Secrets of a Shopping Mall Santa
Truth is, most shopping mall Santas aren’t like like the ones from “A Christmas Story.” (Thanks goodness!)
1. I Know How to Make Kids Smile
Never force your screaming kid onto my lap. Just bring him close and give me a few minutes. I’ve got plenty of tricks up my sleeve.
3. The Wish List is Long
I make around $10,000 a season doing this, but cut me some slack. Between October and December, most of us work about forty 10-hour days and listen to 30,000 children.
4. Hands Out
Wondering why both of my white-gloved hands are always where you can see them? Ask my lawyer.
6. Skip the Mall
Want to have more than just a few seconds with me? Let’s meet at your kid’s preschool or a photo studio that invites Santa in for special portraits.
7. Santa Academy Exists
As a matter of fact, I did go to school for this. Topics of study: how to hold children, manage sticky conversations, and care for my hair and beard.
9. These Beards Don’t Come Cheap
Those of us with real beards think we’re superior. But the best of the rest of us pay as much as $3,000 to wig makers to make us authentic-looking whiskers.
(Photo: Digital Vision/Photodisc/Thinkstock)
10. I Don’t Make Promises I Can’t Keep
I see you vigorously nodding your head, but even so, I will never, ever promise anything to a child.
12. Is Santa Real?
“Well,” I reply, pinching myself and grimacing, “I feel real.”
13. The Reward Outweighs the Negatives
I’ve been kicked in the shins, hit in the groin, scratched, bitten, and peed on. But there’s a reason I keep doing this year after year – This is the best work I’ve ever found.
15. Stop Ruining the Fun
I’ve noticed a lot of you have started telling your kids the truth about me a lot younger than you used to. Sometimes you spoil things before your child even asks the question, just because you’re worried he’ll hear it from someone else. Please stop.
21. Speaking of Good Hygiene…
Please take your barely potty-trained two-year-old to the restroom before you get in line. Soil my suit, and it’s coal for you, buster.