Big Boys Don’t Cry

Big Boys Don’t Cry
And other myths about men and emotions

BY DIANE SEWELL

Who chokes up at sappy movies? Who gets so swept away by excitement that they leap to their feet and hug complete strangers? Who falls apart when a relationship ends? The surprising answer: men. Granted, the film might be Saving Private Ryan; the exuberance let loose in hockey rinks; and the breakup their own idea. However, new research reveals that a man’s emotional life is as complex and rich as a woman’s but often remains a mystery to him—and to her.

Long considered a female trademark, men report feelings as often as women do and describe their experiences of emotion similarly. In an analysis of the emotional intelligence of 500,000 adults, men rated just as high in emotional awareness. In studies of married couples, husbands proved as attuned to their mates’ stress levels as wives did—and just as capable of offering support.

But while both men and women sigh, cry, rejoice, rage, shout and pout, the sexes tend to process and express emotions differently. “Men are taught to squelch their feelings because they get in the way,” says Guy Grenier, a clinical psychologist and marriage counsellor in London, Ont. “Women are better at processing important emotions and are more likely to talk to other women about their problems. Men don’t always know what to do with their emotions.”

As a result, many men intellectualize and compartmentalize their feelings, and can have trouble empathizing —all of which can make them more remote. “It’s like growing a suit of armour—it’s hard to get in and it’s hard to get close,” says Michael Kaufman, a Toronto-based educator and expert on gender issues. But if a man can free his emotions from that tough, protective shell, the payoff is worth it. “Men who are able to work towards more meaningful emotional relationships—whether it’s with friends or family—are going to be happier,” says Kaufman.

The Sensitive Side Unearthed

Three years ago, Dave Burne looked like he had it all: a wife and two children, a seemingly great job and robust, good health. Over the course of a year, his whole world came crashing down: He lost his job, his marriage fell apart, the matrimonial house was sold, and he was diagnosed with clinical depression. “There was hurt, pain, anger, loss—a whole whack of emotions,” says the 48-year-old computer-systems engineer from Oshawa. “I never knew I could feel so much.”

Scientists believe the male and the female brain may not be hard-wired in the same way. “Research is still ongoing, but there is evidence to suggest that the brains of men and women respond differently to the same emotional stimuli,” explains Sandra Witelson, a neuroscientist and professor of psychiatry and behavioural neurosciences at Hamilton’s McMaster University. In 125 studies in various cultures, boys and men were consistently less accurate at interpreting unspoken messages in gestures, facial expressions and tone of voice.

Men also react less intensely to emotions—and forget them faster. In an experiment at Stanford University, photographs of upsetting or traumatic images triggered greater activity in more regions of female brains. Three weeks later, the women remembered more details about the pictures than the men.

Divorce is typically more devastating for men since it forces them into unexplored emotional territory. “It hit me like a ton of bricks,” says Burne. “It was like a death, but worse.” It also changed him. “Since my divorce, I’ve had a much more emotional life. It’s made me more sensitive to how I feel and more upfront with people. I think I might even make a better husband if the right person comes along.”

Breaking From Expectations

Fifteen years ago, Bruce Kirkby of British Columbia was a young up-and-coming engineer. Working dutifully in his cubicle at age 22, the young man was on a well-worn path: He had graduated from university and had a promising career. Marriage, a mortgage and kids were the next logical—and expected—steps. The trouble was, he wasn’t happy. “I was sitting in this office, and I realized I was forcing myself to keep the spark alive,” says Kirkby. “But it just wasn’t me.” He felt there was something deep inside him that he needed to tap, yet such sentiment hardly belonged in what he saw as a science-based, male-dominated profession.

Despite the voices of “friends’ parents and parents’ friends” who urged conformity, Kirkby made the decision to listen to his feelings and embark on a path of self-discovery. He quit his job and took off on a seven-week bicycle trip across the Karakoram Highway and other parts of Pakistan.

The now 38-year-old is an accomplished photographer and author of two books. His latest, The Dolphin’s Tooth, is a chronicle of his many adventures. Read it, and it’s obvious Kirkby has discovered the emotional side once missing from his life: “Arms stretched outward, face towards the sky, I can feel the world beneath me.… For one enchanted moment I am at one—neither a visitor nor an observer, passerby nor interloper, but rather part of the land, indistinct and inseparable from the greater whole.”

Society, observes Kirkby, who lives in Kimberley, B.C., expects men to turn off their emotions and get on with the duty of making a living. “The goals that society provides for men to shoot for are so money- and possession-driven. Breaking that pattern was difficult. But now my heart, not my head, makes all the big decisions.”

Males are conditioned from an early age not to tune in to emotions. By age one, boys are already making less eye contact than girls and paying more attention to moving objects like cars than to human faces. Both mothers and fathers talk less about feelings (except anger) to sons than daughters, and boys’ vocabularies include fewer “feeling” words. In the playground, if not at home, boys learn to choke back tears and show no fear. These behaviours tend to follow a boy into his life as a man.

What lurks behind a man’s silent, stoic mask? Vulnerability. Many men, experts agree, are far more insecure than they would like to admit—and than their wives would ever guess. “Men are supposed to be leaders, decisive, unemotional,” says Grenier. “That’s what they’re taught because, if you’re a captain of industry, a lieutenant in the army or the head of the family, being afraid might interfere with your ability to be the leader.”

Kinder, Softer—and Still a Man

As gender roles and rules have loosened, some men—dubbed Sensitive New Age Guys—have dared to let their softer side show. But many remain confused about how much they can dare to share. “This is the No. 1 complaint I get from men at the university level,” says Greg Fouts, a psychologist and University of Calgary professor emeritus. “Here’s this guy, the considerate, open and intimate type. He starts dating a woman only to find she wants the strong, silent type. And he’s crushed.”

Clearly there’s no road map. But there’s evidence that the image of the stoic breadwinner is becoming a thing of the past. Statistics Canada reports that more and more dads are taking leave from work so they can care for their newborn babies. And though it’s still not all that common, some are even committing to staying home with the kids while mom follows the career path.

Dan Lennox of Vancouver was a firefighter for eight years before he found his calling as a full-time dad. For the past 14 years, he has been chief cook and bottle washer, and main caregiver for two boys, now 17 and 15, while his wife brings home the paycheque from her job as an anesthesiologist. “I was going 100 miles an hour with my hair on fire, then all of a sudden I’m at home making peanut-butter sandwiches,” says the athletic 47-year-old. “Now I do all the cooking, laundry, housecleaning and groceries. I’m very comfortable with who I am.” Still, he knows it’s a nurturing role many men have never been able to embrace—his own father fought in the Second World War and was a “rough-and-tumble, macho guy” who didn’t show his emotions. Not Dan. “I hug my kids a lot, and I’m very touchy-feely.”

Dad as nurturer is an encouraging new trend, says Kaufman. “Boys are going to grow up understanding that part of being a man is to be nurturing. They’ll learn by example.”

Guys, Try These

In his Dirty Harry days, Clint Eastwood never flinched. Now as a husband, father and Oscar-winning director of movies that explore the depths of men’s souls, the tough guy has turned tender—but not talkative. The men who hide their emotions the most may in fact be the most sensitive. Yet men can become more emotionally expressive without tears or fears. Here are some ways to start:

Develop a creative outlet. Hobbies like painting or playing a musical instrument can tap into a man’s soul. Remember that much of the world’s greatest art, music and literature was created by the allegedly emotionally challenged sex.
Release stress and anger through exercise. The recently divorced Dave Burne found that getting out for a brisk walk, a bike ride or a game of golf helped calm his feelings of anxiety.
Try expressing “a little” emotion. “You don’t need to turn your life into one big counselling session,” emphasizes Kaufman. “But you can find people you can feel safe enough to talk to about what you’re feeling.”
Don’t be afraid of your emotions. “Ease into the feelings,” advises Kaufman. “If something hurts or scares you, just say so. Remember, it is just a feeling. Talking about it takes practice.”

Women, Be Aware

“I found that sometimes, if you’re pushed to share your emotions, it just buries them deeper,” says Burne. “Or they come out the wrong way when they do come out. It takes the right conditions.” Here are a few ways you can help your man become more comfortable about expressing his emotions:

Do something physical together. When you hike or bike, a man’s defences come down. Let topics bubble up naturally. But don’t try and force a man to walk and talk, or he may withdraw.
Don’t press a man to talk about a bad day. “Respect someone’s emotional state,” advises Grenier. “All you can do is make the offer ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Trying to force someone to express their emotions doesn’t help create an environment where feelings can be expressed openly and honestly.
Choose your language. “Always stay away from the words ‘You never,’” advises Fouts. Instead, he suggests using the “I” word, as in “I feel left out when I don’t know how you feel,” as opposed to “You never talk about your feelings.” “That immediately puts up a roadblock, and you can’t win,” says Fouts.
Let men know what emotional support you need. One U.S. study found that husbands can be as emotionally sensitive and supportive as wives, but often their timing is off. Men aren’t oblivious, but wives need to let them know what they want and when they need it.
Show, don’t tell. “Model what sharing is like,” says Grenier. “Talk to him like you wish he would talk to you. Create an environment where this is the norm. Talking about feelings creates that culture. And there’s no downside.”

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