Q: Dear Dr. Hedva:

After my husband's affair and our subsequent reconciliation, following a good deal of counseling, I was quite sure that we would be able to continue our marriage of 32 years happily. On a daily basis we are but I continue to be haunted by thoughts of the other woman. When we are snuggling on the couch and I have my hand on my husband's arms, I see hers beside mine. When we are making love, I see her over my husband's shoulder. I can't get this "ghost" out of the video that continually replays in my mind. The counselor tried to convince me that I needed to put these interrupting thoughts and visions out of my head. I try desperately to shut the door on them but as soon as I relax, they slip through crack underneath the door. The forgiving was easy....now for the forgetting.

Please help!

A: Dear Small Town Ontario Reader,

Every time you entertain this ghost lover you give your power away to her, and keep the affair going. I think you are dealing with residual jealousy now more than betrayal. Yet, jealousy, like betrayal can be re-channeled for good instead of only being destructive, if we use it as an opportunity to learn and grow. The ancient Egyptians suggested that what we envy in others is actually a reflection of some unexpressed part of our own potential. To turn the negative into a positive, use your jealousy as a signal to look within to discover your own hidden potential, instead of projecting it onto her.
How do you do this? Close your eyes and invoke her image. Next imagine ‘becoming’ her, looking at you and your husband through her eyes. Observe from her perspective: how 'she' feels, what 'she' sees, what 'she' wants, what 'she's' got. For example, do you imagine ‘she’ feels strong, confident, independent, sexy, powerful? These would be the qualities you might have projected onto her. Next, commit to develop your confidence, strength, independence etc.

Example: If you projected independence and power, consider taking an assertiveness training course. If the projection is ‘luring’ or ‘attractive’, remember your natural beauty, enhance self-appreciation with a more flattering hairstyle, or ‘spa treatment’. This is not to become more like her, but to unleash your own hidden potential and become even more YOU. It is time to build self worth by remembering and revitalizing your own innate skills, attractiveness, talents, and valued character traits. You might also go to http://www.selfesteem4women.com/site/Question_Pages/QP1_looking_after_yourself.php and consider reviewing the results with your former counsellor. One more thought, maybe review the letter to “Dear Broken Hearted in Alberta” (also in this forum) for more ideas on how to eliminate the images.

Sincerely, Dr. Beth Hedva

Q: Hi...

This is still very fresh for me. I recently (4 days ago) found out about a one night stand my fiance had while I was out of town. He claims there was no intercourse. He is 46 she in her late 20's. She showed up at our home very late one evening to confront him...apparently someone told her he was married. I am needless to say hurt, devastated and feel my love and trust has been betrayed. He has profusely apologized, begged for forgiveness and has told me he loves me and doesn't want me to leave. He swears on everything he holds dear that this will never ever happen again. He has committed to doing whatever it takes to rebuild the love and trust I once had for him, including promising absolutely no contact whatsoever with her. After a few days of conversations I asked why this happened? His response was he thinks it was the younger woman pursuing him. That it was flattering that someone younger would find him

A: Dear "Still Very Fresh,"

Before making suggestions, I have a few questions. Is infidelity part of a pattern or an isolated incident? What are each of your previous relationship histories? And, did you two just meet, have a whirlwind romance, get engaged and move in together (all in three months)? Or have you known each other for years, dated, then moved in together, have been living together for a year (or more) and finally picked a wedding date? Consider your circumstance.

Next, imagine that every experience in your life (including this one) has a greater purpose. Try to use this as opportunity for you and your fiancée to get clear, and to become open and honest with yourselves and each other.

1) If this is part of a pattern, reflect on your personal relationship history. Ask yourself: What is the repeating theme or life-lesson? Is this something I want to continue to create in my life? Is it something I want to maintain? Is this a pattern that I want to release?
2) If you are just getting to know each other, put it in that context. And, you might want to read the book "Before We Say I Do" by Nomi Whalen.
3) If you have been with each other for a long time, or if this is an isolated incident, then consider reading the other questions and answers in this forum for self-help suggestions and ideas on what kind of resources might support you in these endeavors. (Included are helping professionals, books, workshops and classes).

As you read the other letters, use this Q&A forum to help you 1) learn about stages of healing from betrayal; 2) how to forgive; 3) rebuild trust through communication and compassion; 4) let go of the haunting images; and 5) move-on (together, or separately).

Sincerely, Dr. Beth Hedva

Q: Dear Dr. Hedva:

My husband of 26 years is going through a mid-life crisis including an affair (which he says is over) with a women he dated before I knew him. He has moved out of home 3 months ago to give himself some space to think things through to decide whether he wants to recommit and go to counselling or to move on. From your professional experience, when is it time for an ultimatum or what is the best approach to handle this situation? Our children and I are hoping he will come to his senses.

A: Dear “When is it Time?”

It is never time for an ultimatum; yet, it is important to have healthy boundaries and limits. The difference? Ultimatums focus on the other person, and attempt to control another’s behaviour through manipulation. Boundaries and personal limits focus on your needs, re-establish self respect, and help you go forward with your life, independent of outcomes or another’s behaviour.
When I work with couples, I suggest that there are at least 8 different choices (4 living together plus 4 living separately):

Living together:
1.You each do your own work to grow as individuals and together.
2. You each do your own work to grow as individuals without focusing on the relationship.
3. One of you does your own growth work, and the other does nothing.
4. Neither of you do your own work, and neither of you grows.

Living separately:
5. You each do your own work to grow as individuals and together (though you are living separately you agree to meet regularly, with or without professional help, to grow your relationship).
6. You each do your own work and each grow as individuals
7. One of you does your own growth work, and the other does nothing
8. Neither of you do your own growth work

Because betrayal is always painful, it is important to find a way to be pro-active and move through the shock and trauma so you do not get stuck in helplessness and feeling victimized. For self-help and counselling resources refer to other letters in this column, or if appropriate, considering borrowing Bruce Fisher’s ‘Rebuilding’ from the library. Rebuilding workshops (designed for individuals going through a marriage separation or divorce) are held many places including Calgary and Edmonton. Call (403) 240-0045 or go to http://www.rebuildingcanada.com/about/about.html

With Respect, Dr. Beth Hedva

Q: Dear Dr. Hedva:

My husband had an emotional affair that lasted over 2 yrs. I have known about it for about some time. Initially when I found out, he told me not to make him choose (between her and me). I feel that he is being honest when he says he has not had any contact with her for some months. We have fought, and screamed and name called so much that I wonder if there is any hope for us. On the other hand, I do believe that deep down we both want things to work it out. The frustrating part for me this last while is that every time I try to do something that would move our relationship forward, he makes sure it doesn't happen. For example, I try to communicate better and he makes sure that he doesn't engage himself in the conversation. He has told me that he can't talk to me about things because I always get defensive. I feel that if there was something positive going into the relationship from him, I could handle some of our "discussions" better. It is so hard to begin again. I feel emotionally abused and worn down. I have developed some health issues that I feel have been brought on my all of the stress. My Dr. agrees. I am going to ask him to read the article and also something from our church on forgiveness. I feel we both have a lot of forgiving to do.
Any suggestions from you would be greatly appreciated.

Hanging On (Just Barely)

A: Dear Hanging On (Just Barely).

You and your husband are stuck in a classic power-struggle. Each of you is waiting for the other to change first. For better or worse, neither of you have the power to make the other be different than they are. The only one you have control over is you (and as you can see, even that is debatable, when over-powering emotional reactions take control over your best intentions). To get a handle on your emotional reactions, you need to find out what is eating you and heal it from the inside out (eg. insecurity, feeling frustrated, powerless, rejected, or jealous). Your husband may have to do the same, but the truth is, if even just one of you change, the dynamic between you will change. Change the dynamic, and everything changes.

Seek to understand yourself first, and begin your healing by having compassion for yourself. My hunch is that this past emotional relationship is testing your self-esteem. As you feel more confident and comfortable with yourself, other’s behaviours or negative attitudes don’t have the same impact. Increasing your self-esteem will change the dynamic between you and your husband. Then you can begin to open a new level of understanding and discussion, and perhaps help him, if he is willing. Communication hint: Approach him with genuine curiosity, and a desire to understand and appreciate him from HIS perspective (instead of from your interpretation or assumptions).

To evaluate how your self-esteem is doing, and what area could be shored-up consider taking the self-test at http://www.selfesteem4women.com/site/Question_Pages/QP1_looking_after_yourself.php. For self-esteem building exercises read the letter “Dear How Do I Move On?” above, also in this column.

Sincerely,

Dr. Beth Hedva

Q: Dear Dr. Hedva:

During late in my second pregnancy, my husband admitted he had an affair with a younger woman in his office. The affair lasted about 3 months and now there is no contact as she is also married (without children). It has been 6 months since this revelation and I can't stop thinking about the graphic sexual details of the affair. They haunt me every night and as a result I am a walking zombie trying to care for a 2-year-old and a 6-month-old and trying to keep this marriage together. My husband seems to be really remorseful about what happened (he said it was to fill a sexual void while I was pregnant), but I still can't get these horrible images out of my head. He is trying his best to prove his love for me but I feel like I am living with a complete stranger. How do I get some sleep and put this affair behind us? I also have this urge to get revenge on this woman who aggressively pursued my husband - how do I move on and forget about her?

A: Dear How Do I Move On?

Your husband had an affair when you were in a very vulnerable position during the last trimester of your pregnancy. I can imagine that it is really just sinking in now. But remember: what your husband did was not about you, or the other woman. It was about him -- likely his own need to be more self-reflective and self-determined. It is easy to blame the woman who aggressively pursued your husband. In truth he must find a way to be more true to his values and commitments to your family, to you and to himself. Your husband’s expressing genuine remorse is a good sign.

How to get the images out of your mind? First, you need to remind yourself of your value. Make a list of at least 10-20 attributes that you know to be true about you, that make you special. Cross-cultural anthropologist Dr. Angeles Arrien suggests that we build our self-esteem by acknowledging and appreciating four dimensions of being. 1) personal skills and accomplishments (eg: mother of two, organizer etc.); 2) character traits (eg: loyalty; honesty); 3) innate talents (musical; athletic etc.); and 4) physical attractiveness (eyes, smile, texture of your skin etc).

Next, you need to find out what keeps you going back to these images. Is it jealousy, self-blame, insecurity, resentment towards your husband, or desire for vengeance or vindication? Every time you entertain these images you are fueling the fire. At some point you must make a decision to stop this and actually take logs off the fire. You can replace the images with confirmations of your worth, the value of your relationship and family, and how committed you and your husband are to working together to improve and enhance your marriage.

You both might benefit from reading and discussing the book ‘Straight Talk About Betrayal: A Self-Help Guide for Couples’ by Donna R. Bellafiore. Or consider an imago couple’s communication workshop (http://www.imagorelationships.org/directory/)

Sincerely,

Dr. Beth Hedva

Q: Dear Dr. Hedva,

I recently found out that my husband has joined a website, which caters to married people looking to have an affair or have cybersex. He even created a profile, which discussed how far he would be willing to go.

I became very angry and confronted him about this. He claims he did not act on anything, but only looked at other women's profiles as they contained dirty images. He would not however tell me what his profile entailed.

I do not trust him now, and can't be sure if he is being completely honest with me. He has his own business and works a variety of hours.

How can I trust him again when I am not even sure of how far he actually went? We have five children together, and they are sensing an unhappiness in me. My mistrust is definitely affecting our relationship.

Help!!

A: Dear Help!

To re-establish honest communication and trust, the two of you will need to find a way to feel safe sharing very intimate and delicate material with each other, including definitions of fidelity. Your husband may be turning to cyberspace for what he might believe is safe recreational release -- without thinking about how it might impact you. Because there is no physical touching, many cybersex users compartmentalize their experience, and put this in the same category as using magazines or movies for self-stimulation. Sexual excitement is objectified -- not personal. As to not sharing his profile: The anonymity of cyberspace may allow him to explore parts of his sexual nature without fear of turning you off, or risk being judged and feeling shame.

True intimacy is a risk, and includes sharing our deepest thoughts and most vulnerable feelings. Do you feel you understand and empathize with each other? If you take the initiative, this crisis may be an opportunity to open up to each other. Is it possible for you to discuss what he gets from his cyberspace contact? What turns him on? (Example: Is it the novelty; doing something forbidden; the sense of adventure or risk; any particular fantasy?) Have you ever shared your desires, needs, or fears with him? You may be able to use this discussion to open communication, clarify needs, and increase the fun/recreational quotient in your marriage (adventure, novelty, emotional closeness etc.) as you each bring some of what the other desires back into your lives, (even with 5 children and a household of responsibilities).

If it is too hard to have this conversation on your own, consider talking with a professional, ideally one who specializes in sexual and relationship issues. For a list of qualified therapists contact the Ontario Board of Examiners in Sex Therapy and Counselling or call the Sex Education Council of Canada (tel) 416-666-5304 (e-mail) sieccan@web.net . To help him understand your point of view also try reading and discussing this 48 page book: ‘Straight Talk About Betrayal: A Self-Help Guide for Couples’ by Donna R. Bellafiore.

With respect, Dr. Beth Hedva

Q: Dear Dr.Hevda,

I've been with my husband for 13 years, he recently lost a very close loved one. I've tried everything to help him accept this but to no avail...I gave him the time and space I thought he needed but that proved to be the gas on the fire...we don't talk anymore, and I recently found out he's been having an affair for the past 5 months. I am so hurt..we have two young children, we used to be so happy and open about everything..I tried to forgive him as he is going through a major depression-not that he is doing anything about that either. He talks about dying everyday and can't wait until his life is over. I realize that this is not in is usual character and tried to be there for him. But I've caught him several more time with this "person" and this "person" keeps calling our house and hanging up. I feel so betrayed after everything I've tried to do for him,and it's as though he couldn't care less about me or my feelings. Worst of all what he is doing to our children

I am so terrified, I gave up my job to raise our children. I scared to have to raise these children on my own.

please help.

hurt in quebec

A: Dear Hurt in Quebec

With five children, you are in a difficult situation economically and emotionally. Apathy, self-absorption, irritable mood, all these signs are symptoms of depression. It is very difficult to get through to someone when they are under the fog of this illness. Your husband is probably using the excitement of the affair as a 'lift' or distraction from the depression. Better would be for him to visit his doctor and get a referral for some psychotherapy and/or antidepressant medication, to begin healing in earnest.

As you said, you do not have control over his behaviour. A good book that might help is “When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times” by Author Pema Chodron. The most important thing is to bring your attention and energy back to you -- to empower yourself. Find ways to nurture and take care of yourself emotionally. Ask yourself, what is it that hurts the most: is it feeling rejected; feeling unattractive; feeling taken advantage of; feeling helpless or inadequate; the loss of your sense of partnership? Whatever the primary trigger is that sits under your feelings of betrayal, it can be addressed and resolved—with or without your husband’s involvement. Usually this kind of hurt relates to earlier injuries (from our teen years, childhood or even earlier).

Begin your healing work. This will enable you to rebuild confidence and self-trust, and to resolve the emotional insecurities that paralyze you with fear. This way you will be truly free to make a decision that is most appropriate for you and your family. Once you have helped yourself, you can be clear on how (and whether) you can help your husband. You might want to go to http://members.shaw.ca/bethhedva/exercises1eto1i.htm for more support.

Sincerely, Dr. Beth Hedva

Q: Dear Dr. Hedva:

I am in my late 30s, my common-law husband is in his 50s. We have been together for 10 years. We met at work and our relationship blossomed. We jointly choose to have a child. My husband has always been a huge flirt but that is as far as it ever went until a short time ago. I recently found out - two weeks ago - that his flirting with one female in particular had escalated to the next level. Although he claims they did not have intercourse, he did admit to him having oral sex or at least her giving it to him on three separate occasions.

He claims that it was never to go that far, it was a kind of game and that he never gave a thought to maybe losing me or the family. I am trying so hard to convince myself it was only a mistake. That he got caught up in the attention of someone else and took what was being offered as a child would except candy but I can't seem to get myself past the fact that he went elsewhere and what's to stop him from going again? My whole inner system shakes and continually feels sick. I see him and I only want him to hold me. I have this continuos longing for him to make love to me and yet my head tells me not to get close. You would think the last thing I would want is for him to be close to me. I really can't seem to find an answer of how to continue on together without the lasting feeling of possibly being hurt again.

A: Dear Feeling Sick,

Two weeks ago you found out that your husband had oral sex with another woman on three occasions. Feeling shaky and sick is a signal that you are still in shock. However, by the time you read this letter, you will, most likely, be in another stage (see "Very Hurt in ON" for details on betrayal reactions and how to heal).
Infidelity is a horrible experience, so if you are going to avoid further damage and more hurt, you will use it as a call to grow and to learn. Because you share a child together, whether you stay together or separate, communication is needed. And having good communication skills can make a huge difference. You and your husband would benefit from an open, honest conversation about the underlying motive for the affair and what you can learn about yourselves and each other as a result of this discussion. And ask what EACH of you WANT.

In Chapter 4 of Betrayal, Trust and Forgiveness (http://www.betrayaltrustandforgiveness.com) I discuss trigger points that make a couple vulnerable to infidelity:
1). Not having fun together anymore--a lack of play, spontaneity, creativity and joie de vivre
2). Commitment to the partnership is diminished—one or both partners over commit to work, children, family/in-laws, or indulgence in addictive behavior (alcoholism, gambling, co-dependence etc.)
3). Cooperation ceases—feelings of power imbalance / power-struggle increase and sharing responsibilities or decisions making decrease
4). Communication decreases and resentments increases—this creates emotional distance, decrease in sexual desire, withheld communications, loneliness and isolation
I recommend that you work together to improve each of the above, but especially communication and cooperation. Here are some helpful resources not mentioned in other letters in this column http://www.aamft.org/TherapistLocator/Canadasearch.htm or http://www.cpa.ca/inprovinces.html

Also, check the letter to "This is not me" --I think parts may apply to you as well.

Sincerely,

Dr. Beth Hedva

Q: Dear Dr. Hedva,

I have been married for 10 years and married very young. I beleive through these years I have changed and grown to realize that the love I thought I had for my husband (high school sweetheart) was very immature and I know I married for my own insecurities and out of spite. All of these years my husband has been somewhat content with our relationship, me staying at home raising the kids and living in our home town where we grew up, while he has worked on the road and only home for 8-12 days per month total. I have always wanted to explore and chase my dreams but it was not important due to his successful business. Recently I told him I wanted to move to pursue my dreams and that I would go with or without him and he did come and so did his successful business, but since then he has turned so jealous and is trying to support me but is very mean in a nice way. I just feel that this is not me, and that it's better to be disliked for who you are .

A: Dear "This is not me":

Though you did not mention your age, I have a picture that you may have recently entered into (and possibly your husband may have just completed) an interesting period of your life that might be helpful to understand. Transpersonal psychologists like Dr. Stanislav Grof, who incorporate cross-cultural spiritual teachings from around the world into their therapy work, describe three astrological ‘cycles of maturation’. If they are right, you are mostly likely in the 1st cycle, also called ‘Saturn Return’ – a phase of life where it is very important to know yourself and define who you are—and who you’re not.

Note that each cycle (plus or minus two years for early or late bloomers) is a crisis point and time of learning:
1) Age 29—a time of pressure: conformity and compliance vs. self-responsibility and personal accountability. Learn to listen to your own inner authority over social convention and external authority, rules, and roles
2) Age 39—a time of disruption, loss of control, or shake-up. Cultivate emotional maturity, speak truth, and be authentic instead of giving in to restlessness, impulsive action, escapism or addictions.
3) Age 49—a time of physical, emotional or mental health crises. Confrontation between psychological stagnation and physical degeneration vs. personal regeneration, healing and /or spiritual integration

You and your husband will benefit from learning new personal skills so you may successfully complete this phase of life. Learn to 1) know and respect yourselves and each other; 2) love, accept and value yourselves and each other equally; 3) recognize and appreciate differences; 4) expand communication skills; 5) create win-win negotiations (learn to say ‘no’ and ‘yes’ instead of controlling and complying). Sharing children and parenting makes this especially significant, as you will need these skills regardless.

Consider reviewing previous letters in this column for referrals to counsellors, therapists, or conflict resolution and communications courses, books and other useful resources that may assist in learning these important life skills.

With Appreciation,

Dr. Beth Hedva

Q: Dear Dr. Hedva:

I myself have had an affair, with a family friend. We both have tried to break it off several times over the last three years but find ourselves drawn back together again. Recently he became seperated from his wife and I want to break it off once and for all. The problem is we do so much together in the neighbourhood, we are constantly thrown back together again. My question is should I tell my husband and ask for his support, I'd really like to move out of this area, but don't know how to work around the questions this would pose without coming clean with my husband.

We've been married 22 years and I know this will devestate him. What should I do?

Coming Clean

A: Dear Coming Clean,

While I can understand how moving away would make it ‘easier’ for you, it would not resolve any of the real issues at hand. It might seem like this is a question about whether or not you should confess to your husband. In truth, it’s about how you handle or avoid discomfort.

I recommend you speak with a professional who can help you discover what motivated you to seek stimulation or comfort with your family friend (for example: were you seeking validation; looking for emotional intimacy; more fun; feeling powerless in your marriage and powerful with your friend etc). Also note what kept you from communicating directly with your husband about these deeper concerns three years ago, and notice what motivates your confession now. Honesty with yourself makes it possible to be honest with others.

No matter what you do, it is going to be uncomfortable—whether you go into therapy; say ‘no’ to your lover; tell your husband, or even if you choose to move and keep the secret. Ultimately, you will need to learn how to express your feelings in ways that are less self-destructive and more genuinely loving to yourself and others.

Another thought— When we try to manage our discomfort by filling it in with a distraction, a person or situation, that changes our mood, it can lead to dependence/co-dependence that may turn into what is known as a love or sex addiction. The stages are 1) preoccupation, 2) ritualization; 3) compulsion and 4) despair. If this speaks to you (or your lover), support to break the relationship habit is available by going to an SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) group meeting.

http://www.icomm.ca/slaa/ or http://www.psychlinks.ca/Pages/sexaddict.htm for books, resources, therapy referrals in ON.

With Respect,

Dr. Beth Hedva

Q: Dear Dr. Hedva:

I know that my husband has had at least 2 affairs plus a fantasy one in which he was writing letters & phoning a younger relative who is younger than our youngest daughter.

When I would ask him if there was a problem, he would always go on the attack & tell me that I was crazy, stupid & imagining things. I knew that I had to get solid evidence to prove what I knew in my gut was taking place. When I finally got that proof & confronted him with it, I asked him repeatedly what I could have done differently. The answer is always the same "Nothing. You didn't do anything wrong." I've gone over & over things in my mind & can't understand it. I really did all that I knew to do to be a good wife & mother.

How does one make any kind of progress at reconcilliation when the cheating partner will not even come clean?

Frustrated

A: Dear Frustrated,

This is not about you, and what you could have done differently. This is truly about your husband; the secrecy, the continual lying, the multiple affairs, and constant fantasies. Either your husband is dealing with a compulsive/addictive behaviour disorder, or he is 'in-the-closet' and feeling shame about being part of a sexual minority that sexologists call 'polyamorous' i.e. a non-monogamous sexual orientation.

Addictions specialists have an acronym 'C-A-G-E' to help determine if there is a problem with addiction (alcohol, gambling, work, food, sex/relationship; spending--it can be applied to any compulsive behaviour).

C-are you (or your husband) concerned about his behaviour--in this case multiple affairs?
A-does he get angry or annoyed when you confront him or share your concern?
G-does he feel guilty about his behaviour, or try to make you feel guilty?
E-eye-opener--is there something that simply can not be denied--something that makes him (and you) look at the behaviour with eyes wide open?

If he is struggling with a sex addiction, contact the Alcohol and Drug Information Referral Service in BC at http://www.vcn.bc.ca/isv/adirs.htm and pick up a copy of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA). Whether he is able or willing to recover from his addiction is beyond your control, but you do not have to lose yourself or your serenity over his addiction. SLAA offers hope to spouses of addicts as well as offering programs for addiction recovery, should he choose to take that step.

I would first contact the Sex Education Council of Canada (tel) 416-666-5304 (sieccan@web.net ) for the name of a qualified professional (MD, psychologist etc) in your area to help you and your husband evaluate if he has a ‘poly’ sexual orientation, whether he is dealing with a sexual addiction, or perhaps some other condition beyond this current discussion. Example: bi-polar manic/depression can create similar symptoms, which is due to brain physiology--a smaller amygdala (part of the brain that regulates emotions), different biochemistry, etc, and can be treated with proper medication.

With Respect,

Beth Hedva

Q: Dear Dr. Hedva:

My husband has been having an emotional relationship with a woman for about almost 2 years. She has recently broken it off with him due to unknown reasons, and he is hurting badly..and he talks to me about how much he misses her and he can't get her out of his mind...but in turn he does not really want to break up his family or with his wife and destroy his 27 year marraige. But he is in such turmoil. How does a wife listen to her husband telling her all about his feelings for this other woman and still stay sane and what can i do to help him get over it and why in the world would i want to help him after all the pain he hascaused me?

A: Dear "How To Listen and still stay sane?"

From the sounds of your letter, your husband is not the only one in turmoil. Hard as it may be, the fact that he is confiding his deeper feelings to you is a good thing. It helps him transfer the loss of the emotional intimacy with his friend, to building emotional intimacy with you -- which is what you want.

As to "How to listen and still stay sane?" The Buddhists have a term called 'mindful detachment.' That means remembering that what your husband tells you is really all about him, and not a statement about your inadequacies. Comparing yourself and your marriage to her and their relationship is lethal emotionally, and the true cause for your tourmoil and pain. You may have forgotten your own value. Remember how precious you are as a person, partner, friend, and wife. (I am assuming your “why in the world” comment is rhetorical, since only you could answer it.)

You are both in a difficult situation, and it helps if both of you can clearly acknowledge your feelings. But, the communication sounds one-way, with him speaking and you listening. You two would be great candidates for a "Getting the Love You Want" a workshop, home-study course or simply get the book from the library and use it. You both can learn to listen, understand and empathize with each other, and thereby become allies in each other's healing, instead of just re-stimulating hurts and old wounds.

Sincerely,

Dr. Beth Hedva

Q: Dear Dr. Hedva:

Almost 5 years ago, my wife went back to South Africa to visit with family. We had been aguing for a long time and I thought that sending her back to visit maybe for a break, this would be the perfect remedy. However upon her return, she kept to her doctors appointment , had some tests, which came back that she had contracted a STD. I her approached about this, she denies that anything had happened during her stay. I have never had sexual intercourse with any person than my wife. I am a bit worried that she is lying. Am I correct in my thinking. I had myself tested at our doctors and the result came back negative.

A: Dear Questioning,

If I got this right, you are asking me now, today, about an STD (Sexually Transmitted Disease) contracted by your wife 5 years ago when she went home to South Africa to give you both a respite from un-ending arguments.

The fact that this question has been smoldering in silence for five years is not a good sign. Whether you have a red-hot discussion, or icy-cold silence and taboo topics -- the main concern is the unresolved power-struggle between you two. The emotional distance is more serious than an STD--which, with the exception of AIDS or Herpes, can be treated and cured.

Resolving the power-struggle takes more than a couple of does of medication. I would like to recommend you read: The Couple's Journey, by Susan Campbell. She describes how relationships go through four stages: 1) symbiosis--that initial 'in-love' kind of feeling; 2) the power struggle; 3) stagnation; and finally 4) co-creation where we experience genuine intimacy, friendship and partnership.

As to your stated question,unless her infection was something like cystitis, which is not sexually tranmited, note that they are called STD's for a reason. Find out the name of the condition and check with your family doctor to see if it truly was sexually transmitted. While you're at it, get some referrals to local therapists, so you can talk the results over with a professional--and see if you can un-freeze your feelings in a safe environment. You may need to explore what's called 'family of origin' issues. The silent-treatment may have deep roots. If your wife is not interested in joining you, it would still be valuable for you to have someone you feel comfortable talking to.

Q: Dear Dr. Hedva:

I found out only recently that my husband of almost 20 years has been having an affair. It has been going on for 6 to 9 months. He has made a decision to try and work out our problems. I have told him that I can forgive him and have. Before he made this decision he was very comforting to me as I was extremely upset. Now that he has made the committment to try he seems very depressed and withdrawn again from me. How should I handle this situation. I do not want to push but the same time I need to feel that he is truely committed and not still focusing on her. My husband travels alot and the women lives in another country. He told her his decision a few days ago. He has had contact with her since via email. She emailed him and he replied. Please reply as I truly need some advice.

A: Dear "Afraid of Pushing"

I would let him know that: A.) you realize that you can not control his behavior (as to whether they have contact or not); and B.) when he gets withdrawn, and doesn't communicate with you after he has contact with her, it makes you feel nervous, like maybe you and your feelings don't matter to him, and you are afraid of loosing him or, perhaps uncertain of his commitment to you.

After an affair it is natural to want reassurance from our partner. However the real healing comes from re-discovering our own worth and value, and re-establishing self trust. I use the acronym T-R-U-S-T to help us recover. T -Turn inward to discover your truth. R- relax and release attachment to outcomes. U-Use intuition to understand how you can grow from this, S-speak up and share your truth, and the final T-Try again.

We can not control others. When we let go of trying to control them, and instead relax into ourselves, our intuition naturally opens and we discover a deeper wisdom, strength and source of healing within our own being. Amidst all the other issues, his affair is an opportunity for you to learn to trust yourself and your own process, and speak your truth to him. (Go to www.betrayaltrustandforgiveness.com or read the book Adultery the Forgiveable Sin by Bonnie Weil, for step-by-step exercises.)

Q: Dear Dr. Hedva:

My husband has been having an emotional relationship with a woman for about almost 2 years. She has recently broken it off with him due to unknown reasons, and he is hurting badly..and he talks to me about how much he misses her and he can't get her out of his mind...but in turn he does not really want to break up his family or with his wife and destroy his 27 year marraige. But he is in such turmoil. How does a wife listen to her husband telling her all about his feelings for this other woman and still stay sane and what can i do to help him get over it and why in the world would i want to help him after all the pain he hascaused me?

A: Dear "How To Listen and still stay sane?"

From the sounds of your letter, your husband is not the only one in turmoil. Hard as it may be, the fact that he is confiding his deeper feelings to you is a good thing. It helps him transfer the loss of the emotional intimacy with his friend, to building emotional intimacy with you -- which is what you want.

As to "How to listen and still stay sane?" The Buddhists have a term called 'mindful detachment.' That means remembering that what your husband tells you is really all about him, and not a statement about your inadequacies. Comparing yourself and your marriage to her and their relationship is lethal emotionally, and the true cause for your tourmoil and pain. You may have forgotten your own value. Remember how precious you are as a person, partner, friend, and wife. (I am assuming your “why in the world” comment is rhetorical, since only you could answer it.)

You are both in a difficult situation, and it helps if both of you can clearly acknowledge your feelings. But, the communication sounds one-way, with him speaking and you listening. You two would be great candidates for a "Getting the Love You Want" a workshop, home-study course or simply get the book from the library and use it. You both can learn to listen, understand and empathize with each other, and thereby become allies in each other's healing, instead of just re-stimulating hurts and old wounds.

Sincerely,

Dr. Beth Hedva

Q: Dear Dr. Hedva:

My partner and I are giving it another go around in terms of a relationship. When things began to go sour I turned to another man's arms. This of course did not happen overnight, as it took a couple of years of us being crude to one another for it to escalate to this. I told my mate that it was over and since telling him did not cause him to raise an eyebrow, I guess I took things a bit farther. We are now back together after a year and a half separation and I am willing to give it another go and obviously he is too. Unfortunately communication is still not the greatest and I know that without this we will not stand the greatest of chances. What would you recommend to be of some help in this case. He is a good man and we are a year apart. I am 45 and he is 46. We have no children except for animals. I have a son who does not live with us as he is grown.

A: Dear 'Giving it Another Go,'

Since you are ‘giving it another go’ this makes me think that there is a significant bond between the two of you—and there is more to learn from each other. We often come together with our beloved to learn significant ‘spiritual’ lessons. Eastern traditions call this ‘karma.’

There are always personal life lessons to be learned. To discover these lessons, go to your heart, use your intuition, and ask: “What is the purpose of this relationship?” “How have I grown, and how can I grow more?” “What are my barriers to personal growth, to being all that I can be with my partner?” “How can I eliminate these barriers?” Finally, “How can we help each other grow and fulfill our greater purpose together?” A communication hint: speak only for yourself, and let your partner speak only about himself, without interruption.

Equally important to communication are acknowledgment and acceptance. When we know and accept ourselves it is easier to extend understanding and acceptance to our partners, and they feel respected too. (Instead of feeling ‘wrong'—a side effect of wishing they were different, or trying to ‘change’ them). To break the pattern of name calling and crude language consider a communication or conflict resolution course. Here are 3 resources: http://www.couplecommunication.com/ http://www.equalityinmarriage.org/nrquest.html or NUforFamilies.unl.edu This is a free on-line course from the U of Nebraska (click on ‘Positive Communication’ to get to "Learn On the Web"). Sometimes a trained or mutually trusted facilitator can help. (see “Dear Ontario for URL’s).

Sincerely,

Dr Beth Hedva

Q: Dear Dr. Hedva:

My husband had an affair a few years ago. We had at that point been together almost 20 years. The other woman was a prior girlfriend . Through a lot of tears and talking we reconciled. Months passed and because I really wasn't sure if it was over I did my own investigating and discovered the story he gave me of their chance meeting was a lie. He refuses to discuss this anymore because to him it is in the past, over and done. How do I learn to trust him again? Especially when we reconciled based on a lie.

Alberta

A: Dear Alberta:

This may not be so much about trusting him, but about trusting yourself, and your choice to be with him. You sensed something was ‘off’ in his story, so you investigated your hunch. You you found out that he did not tell you the whole truth about how they ‘met’. But, you did not mention that he was still seeing his old flame. Thus, I gather this relationship was (and is), in fact, over.

So if you want to open to trust and are truly ready, take a moment to think of whether you have ever, in your entire life, had prior experience with lies? Have you, perhaps, ever withheld information to spare someone else pain, or perhaps to spare yourself from their reaction? If you did, can you have compassion for that part of you, (however old you or ‘she’ was), for being afraid to tell the whole truth? Becoming more conscious of our unconscious motives is called ‘owning your shadow.’

It is easy to see our partner’s foibles, but if we search our own hearts, we will discover that we all suffer from vulnerability and insecurity due to a need to be loved and approved of. It’s possible that he was motivated by similar fears and needs when he confessed. If he is able to discuss these kinds of deeper feelings, including what you both need to feel safe in order to discuss uncomfortable topics, you may open greater understanding and trust between you. For more help go to the exercises at http://www.betrayaltrustandforgiveness.com

If it helps to reflect on another perspective: It sounds to me like he chose you over her twice: 20 years ago and again a few years ago. Now it is time for you to choose whether you want to be with him, in all his human-ness—including the shadow of his vulnerabilities and fears. With respect,

Dr. Beth Hedva

Q: Dear Dr. Hedva:

My husband had a 3-some with another couple while I was out of town. How can I get over it? He is still friends with this couple and I tried to be too but I can't get it out of my head that he was with them. He doesn't understand why I am still so bothered by this. It happened a few months ago so it is still pretty fresh in my mind.

We have been together for almost 24 years and he says maybe it is a mid-life crisis. I want to be able to trust him again but I don't know how to get over it.

Please help me with this. It almost ruined us.

Thank you,
An Ontario Reader

A: Dear Ontario,

Many people fantasize about being involved in a sexual three-some; but finding out that your husband acted out the fantasy with friends while you were out of town puts it in another category. So, let's review your question "How can I get over it?"

The key to healing and re-establishing trust depends on how well the two of you are able to forgive. Forgiving is not forgetting. Forgiveness requires that you be able to 1.) understand yourselves, and each other, 2.) empathize with each other, i.e. genuinely appreciate each other's feelings and points of view (your husband's 'mid-life crises' and your feelings of shock and ‘obsession’ about what happened), and 3). be willing to use this as a growth-opportunity to draw you closer to each other.

A 23+ year marriage is worth investing the time and energy it takes to grow into the next phase of your lives together. Ideally, you and your husband would work together to rebuild the trust in your partnership. If he is unable or unwilling to join you in that process, you need to make a commitment to yourself to do your own healing work, and to let your heart guide you beyond the pain to what is ‘right’ or ‘true’ for you.

Getting through something like this does takes time. You can speed things up with 3 to 6 months of therapy—preferably relationship counselling that improves your communication with each other. I would like to recommend sex therapy (call the Ontario Board of Examiners in Sex Therapy and Counselling for a qualified therapist); marriage therapy (www.aamft.org); or, at the least, take a Getting the Love You Want couples communication weekend seminar (http://www.imagorelationships.org/directory/). With a little help, this betrayal can actually be the gateway to improved communication, and greater emotional and sexual intimacy in your marriage.