Good Kids, Bad Habits
Sometimes, getting children to co-operate is like pulling teeth

BY GABRIELLE BAUER

Every evening Clifford Pearce* braces himself for battle with his 13-year-old son, Brian.*

“I’d like you to take the garbage out,” he asks.

“Later, Dad,” says Brian.

“When’s later? In a week?”

“I said, ‘Later, Dad.’”

“And your room’s still a mess. I asked you to—”

“Blah, blah, blah.”

“Don’t talk to me that way. I’d like your room cleaned before bedtime.”

“I’m tuning you out, Dad.”

And so it goes. Clifford is frustrated. Brian is basically a “good kid,” polite to family friends, well behaved at school. But Clifford worries about his son’s “lip” and his disdain for family chores. Clifford grew up on an Ontario farm; the way he remembers it: “Chores were chores. It’s not that I never grumbled, but the grumbling lasted a minute or two and then was over. Why is it so different with my son and me?”

According to Kathy Lynn, a Vancouver parent educator and TV and radio columnist, what’s different is the culture. “We’re told to spare the rod and most of us agree,” she says. “As well, we’re more in tune with our children’s feelings and developmental stages.”

While Lynn applauds these changes, she acknowledges that the current model of child rearing makes it harder to lay down the law, and easier for the child to contest the parent’s will. What we’re often left with, she says, are good kids with bad habits: kids who say “thank you” to their teacher but “yada, yada” to their mother.

Rejecting corporal punishment does not mean relinquishing parental authority, however. “Parents and children should never be thought of as functional equals,” says Paul Kropp, author of I’ll Be the Parent, You Be the Kid! “The parent who is afraid to call the shots isn’t living up to the responsibility of raising a child to do well in society.” In our permissive, child-centred culture, Kropp says, “many parents are in retreat from their kids, afraid to say ‘boo’ for fear of scarring them for life.” But what really scars kids is not having a firm hand to guide them.

In order to teach responsibility and caring—that is, good habits—Kropp says parents need not be so afraid of shaming their children, that feeling ashamed of one’s behaviour can be an excellent motivator for self-improvement.

Here are some expert-tested strategies for dealing with problems:

Avoidance of Chores

Related Links The following links offer general information on disciplining children. They are for informational puposes only, and Reader's Digest does not endorse or guarantee their content. For expert opinion and counselling, always seek the services of a health-care professional. Experts investigate a host of child behaviours and phases, at iVillage.com Parenthood.com's ABC's of Parenting http://www.parenthood.com/parent_cfmfiles/topics.cfm http://www.parenthood.com/parent_cfmfiles/articles.cfm Ages and stages - from Girls and Boys Town (parenting.org) You can handle all behavior problems - from disciplinehelp.com, a resource primarily for teachers Parenting challenges with kids aged 2 to 8, at parentcenter.com A therapist's advice on a range of parenting issues, including crisis management with teens. Basic tips on effective but gentle discipline, from alternativeparenting.com Raising difficult children - one expert's own experience.

Why do kids balk at doing chores? “I can think of two reasons,” says Brian. “First, my dad nags me so often I get annoyed just listening to him. The second is that I hate chores. It’s boring to empty the dishwasher.”

Brian’s points are both valid, says Marion Porath, a professor of psychology and special education at the University of British Columbia. “No child likes to be nagged. It’s an ineffective strategy.” The alternative, says Porath, is to state your expectations clearly, explain why you have them, then follow through on the consequences of not meeting them. For example: “I need you to empty the dishwasher before seven so we can refill it with dirty supper dishes. Either that or you’ll have to wash the supper dishes by hand.”

Regarding Brian’s professed hatred of chores, Porath advises parents to deal with the issue this way: “You have to separate the liking from the doing. Tell the child you also dislike doing such and such, but it needs to get done and is part of running a household.” The idea that you can dislike doing something but have to do it is one of the most valuable lessons a parent can impart.

Barbara Coloroso, author of Kids Are Worth It! says chores should be presented to the children as a contribution the family is counting on them to make. In this light, she discourages the practice of giving money to a child as a reward for doing a chore. Bribing kids to do chores, she says, “gives them the false message that all good deeds are rewarded financially, and that a job
is not worth doing unless it’s rewarded.” What Coloroso prefers is to let children experience “natural rewards and consequences.” For example: “When you set the table, we all get to eat. That’s your contribution to our dinner.”

As children get older, the bedroom often becomes a battleground. Is the bed made? Is everything picked up? “Give your kids the skills to clean a room, then stay out of it,” suggests Coloroso. “If you don’t like what you see, shut the door.” This doesn’t mean the child is off the hook. “It’s reasonable to expect your teenager to change bedsheets, vacuum the floor, and do his laundry—you can negotiate the frequency.”

Some parents may worry that a messy bedroom paves the way for a messy, disorganized life. If that’s a concern, Kathy Lynn says, it’s more effective for parents to set high standards of order and cleanliness in the rest of the house than to nag their children about the state of their rooms. “It rubs off,” she says.

Back Talk
Why does Brian talk back to his father? The way Lynn sees it: “Clifford scolds his son with phrases like ‘Don’t talk to me that way,’ which a kid basically tunes out. He needs to send a stronger message.” But how? “I often suggest to parents of older children that they walk away from the scene rather than, say, send the child to his room,” says Lynn. “It sends a clear message of distaste without entering into a power struggle with the child.”

But what if the child talks back again the next day? Then you assert your power as a parent, says Kropp, a process he divides into three steps. The first step is simply to raise your voice. “The strong message of disapproval contained in a loud voice is often enough to persuade a child to mend his ways,” he says. If this doesn’t work, proceed to step two—removal of privileges such as favourite toys or television. The final step is to ground the child (restrict his activities outside the house) or dock his allowance. Sound harsh? Not if you want results, says Kropp.

Inappropriate Attire
Your preteen daughter comes down for breakfast wearing a tank top that exposes her midriff. Your son shuffles in with jeans that have holes at the knees. And you swear he hasn’t taken a shower since the day before yesterday. What do you do?

“You and your child need to negotiate rules about school attire,” says Coloroso. For example: Baggy jeans are okay, jeans that barely cover your hip bones are not; a faded sweatshirt is fine, a sweatshirt reeking of sweat is not. To a child wearing the jeans with holes, you might say, “You can wear those jeans after school; for school, choose another pair.”

And if the child simply refuses? Raise your voice, then remove privileges as you see fit, but do it without flying off the handle, Kropp advises.

Of course, says Coloroso, parents need not dictate all their children’s choices in how to present themselves. “If you let them make mistakes, they’ll get feedback from the real world and develop their own intuition about what is appropriate,” she says.

For the child who “forgets” to take showers, for example, “a real-world consequence would be that a classmate teases him about his body odour—which would probably drive him straight to the shower.”

Poor Work Habits

Time-Outs That Work The time-out can be an effective way to deal with highly immature or dangerous behaviour. But the technique is often used incorrectly, says psychologist Jacob Azerrad, author of Anyone Can Have a Happy Child. “A time-out means removing a child from all rewarding activities for a short period,” says Azerrad. “This means nobody to talk to and nothing to do.” Parents who send their children to their rooms to “think” about their misbehaviour are really giving their children a “time in,” he says. “Time to play with toys, listen to music or maybe even watch TV.” For a time-out to be effective, Azerrad says, it must provide as close to zero stimulation as possible and should not exceed three to five minutes. Say your child has just punched a playmate in the arm. According to Azerrad, here’s how a time-out should unfold: 1. Tell the child that her behaviour is unacceptable: “We do not hit.” 2. Take her by the hand and seat her in a chair facing a blank wall. 3. Keep her in the chair for three minutes, ignoring her protests. 4. After three minutes, allow her to leave if she has been quiet for at least five seconds. 5. Following the time-out, do not discuss the event with her except to reiterate “We do not hit.” “Once the child realizes you mean business,” says Azerrad, “time-outs will proceed more smoothly, and there will be far fewer occasions when you need to use them.” —G. B.

Homework is often a struggle for Vancouver mother Nora Ridley* and her 12-year-old son, Michael.* She has high academic expectations of him. But Michael, like so many children his age, takes a perfunctory approach to schoolwork. He puts it off as long as he can, then hurries to get it finished in time to watch TV. “There’s so little care put into it,” Ridley laments.

Parents facing this scenario can examine their own attitudes towards work, says Marion Balla, veteran social worker and director of the Ottawa-based Adlerian Centre for Counselling and Education. “All too often,” she says, “we complain about the hardships of our own work—and then tell our kids to get to work.” Before anything else, Balla says, we need to make sure we’re not communicating negative messages about work to our children.

The next step is to investigate whether specific problems are contributing to homework blahs. “Maybe a child is being bullied at school and thus seeks to avoid everything associated with school,” says Balla. Indeed, this turned out to be the case with Michael. The problem might also be a lack of sleep or a sense of being overwhelmed by the perceived size of an assignment.

Once these problems have been ruled out or solved, Balla says, parents should use the same strategy with homework as with any other task: “Make it clear this is nonnegotiable, and give the child choices.” Homework before or right after supper? Math or English homework first? Science project tonight or on the weekend?

Fibbing—Uh, Lying
When a child tells a lie, there’s always a reason, says Balla—either for self protection or to express a wish. A young child who has trouble socializing may invent an imaginary friend and talk to others about that friend. Rather than punish the child for the fabrication, Balla says, the parent should tune into the longing behind the lie and help the child make real-life friends.

A parent’s tone of voice can “bait” a child to lie, says Coloroso. “The parent who marches into a room and asks ‘Who made this mess?’ in a menacing tone invites a dishonest response.” Instead, the parent might comment neutrally on the mess and ask her child to find the fastest way to clean it up.

Some lying, of course, is more deliberate and deceitful—for instance, the child who says he didn’t break the neighbour’s window when others, in fact, saw it happen. In such a case, Kropp says, parents need to express disapproval in no uncertain terms, which could mean grounding the child for a few days. And, he says, “explain to your child that once you lose people’s trust, it’s very hard to get it back.”

Insensitivity
The child who taunts or bullies other children needs to understand, on a gut level, that other people have feelings, too. The process doesn’t happen overnight, says Balla. “To a certain extent, we all start out believing that we alone are vulnerable and other people have no feelings. It’s only through experience and education that we learn otherwise.”

Thus, parents need to repeatedly explain the concept of empathy to their children. But words are not enough, says clinical psychologist Jacob Azerrad, author of Anyone Can Have a Happy Child.

“Be aware and make note of specific examples of the child’s caring behaviours,” says Azerrad. “Then, at the appropriate moment, remind the child of the prior behaviour, labelling it as ‘grown-up’ because it’s more adult to be caring and thoughtful about other people’s feelings.”

General Obnoxiousness
Traci Field, a mother of two in Allan, Sask., says her seven-year-old son, Mason, is always testing her limits. “He’s not disrespectful,” she says. “He just knows how to push all my buttons. He dawdles in the morning, whines about schoolwork. I find I’m constantly nagging.”

Why do so many children behave this way? “Because they can,” says Azerrad. “We tolerate too much bad behaviour,” he explains. “We nag, we plead, we make deals, which is exactly what the child wants – our attention.” What’s more, Azerrad says, our society has come up with a multitude of diagnoses to excuse bad behaviour—the difficult child, the explosive child, the spirited child. “But in most cases it’s just bad behaviour.”

The solution? “Give the child as little attention as possible for bad behaviour and lots for good behaviour,” says Azerrad. “If children realize they’ll only get attention by behaving well, they’ll behave well.” Which is not to say bad behaviour should be ignored. “Be firm in the standards and limits you set,” Azerrad advises. “If your child senses
hesitation on your part, she’ll seek to exploit it.”

While your kids’ bad habits may drive you crazy, most of them are more of an annoyance than a cause for alarm. But sometimes a child’s behaviour warrants more serious concern. A 14-year-old who chronically lies about her whereabouts does not stand on the same ground as a five-year-old who invents playmates.

How do you tell the difference between annoying and alarming behaviour in your child? “Your gut feeling is a good place to start,” says Barbara Coloroso. When it comes to her own children’s behaviour, Coloroso says she has always asked herself the question: Is it life threatening, morally threatening or unhealthy?

“If it’s none of those things, let it go and allow the kid to learn from her choices, decisions and mistakes,” she says.

If you’re not sure about a particular behaviour, a talk with your child’s pediatrician can set your mind at ease—or lead you to get the appropriate help for your child.

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.

ILLUSTRATION: © ALAIN MASSICOTTE